It is early. My body, once again, decided it was time to get moving. Of course, I thought it was only 4:30am versus the time change time of 3:30am. Damn. I forgot and now my early rising seems...earlier. I had one of those odd, too real to be a dream, dreams tonight. I would rather not go into the details.
So, I have been trying to do something that instills droopy eyelids. Reading usually does that for me. I went online and started flipping through some favorite sites. All I accomplished, however, was the emotion of what I was reading. Pretty much frustration and confusion. I should have picked something a little less exciting to read about. I have tried and been successful really, to keep my personal political views out of the context within this page. Personal politics is just that. Deeply personal and I have not been one (usually) to enforce my personal viewpoints or that of a spiritual nature on any one. If they ask me, I will answer. But it is not my place to walk up to someone on the street and inform them they are wrong. Life is about choice. The information is there for those who choose to seek it. It is a fine line, nevertheless, and have found myself crossing it on several occasions. Like now, I am balancing the white, toe to heel.
My belief has varied over the years. Well, mostly when I was young(er). The last 10 I would say, I have been positive and strong in them. My vote hasn't budged and it still does not. It is where my core values lie. I can't look past that because of a particular temporary issue that may not fit with what I am doing today. I can't vote for someone that I know nothing about either. Uninformed decisions, are a fool's diary, one that I have a few entries in myself.
I am ready for this election to be done. Ready for the media to get down of their convenient pedestal of enforced personal opinions, and see if this country, that seems so massive, minute [3,adjective], united and divided, can elect someone of conviction and substance. I honestly fear what will happen to this country of independence, which was the reason it was created to begin with, elects someone that is so blatantly manipulative and self serving. Somewhat of a puppet master, if you will.
I am restraining at this point and feel I need to stop before I go any further. All I can say, is that I hope the decisions made this Tuesday will be informed ones.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Tuckin' in Ice Cubes
In the kitchen getting a glass of water; My daughter comes storming by, heels pounding the floor, clutching her dirty clothes and thrusting them in the washer. 5' of hormone whizzing through my house.
"Rachel, would you come here please?" I say calmly, bracing my brain for the attitude adjustment discipline.
With her arms crossed and a sorrowful look she says "I am just really tired and my stomach is full and I am frozen but SOLID!"
"Solid?" I say, poking her stomach, squeezing her arms. "Hmmm...really? Solid...huh?"
I was trying very hard to control my laughter, but I waned. That was it. One small smirk and it was all over. The adolescent drama was too much to bare. She hugged me tight and then burst into to her own round of giggles. Such moments...
She is now laying in bed singing sweet hymns from church.
I have heard the saying "Small Miracles". I cringe a bit when hearing it because it is such a contradictory statement. Miracles are not small. They are quite huge really. But even huge isn't a good enough word. It doesn't matter what it pertains to, or what feat has been accomplished by it. The turning of a stone is just as big as the moving of a mountain. It is beyond our comprehension the depth and power behind it. My daughter is a miracle. There is nothing small about that. She may be just a pebble in the pond right now, but I see nothing except beautiful mountain summits.
I am a gushing mother, you don't have to say so. But frankly, I choose my battles. Maybe some would be upset with the attitude their child took with them, as mine did with me tonight. It wasn't personal. It wasn't a lack of respect. There is a difference, and discernment comes from the empathy. She is feeling the rush of puberty which makes emotions and thoughts 10 fold. I remember the feeling. I hope she realizes that even though my words of discipline are sometimes sharp and rigid or soft and relaxed, that my devotion to her is constant. That there is no sway or altering depending on the circumstance. I love this sweet child o'mine.
"Rachel, would you come here please?" I say calmly, bracing my brain for the attitude adjustment discipline.
With her arms crossed and a sorrowful look she says "I am just really tired and my stomach is full and I am frozen but SOLID!"
"Solid?" I say, poking her stomach, squeezing her arms. "Hmmm...really? Solid...huh?"
I was trying very hard to control my laughter, but I waned. That was it. One small smirk and it was all over. The adolescent drama was too much to bare. She hugged me tight and then burst into to her own round of giggles. Such moments...
She is now laying in bed singing sweet hymns from church.
I have heard the saying "Small Miracles". I cringe a bit when hearing it because it is such a contradictory statement. Miracles are not small. They are quite huge really. But even huge isn't a good enough word. It doesn't matter what it pertains to, or what feat has been accomplished by it. The turning of a stone is just as big as the moving of a mountain. It is beyond our comprehension the depth and power behind it. My daughter is a miracle. There is nothing small about that. She may be just a pebble in the pond right now, but I see nothing except beautiful mountain summits.
I am a gushing mother, you don't have to say so. But frankly, I choose my battles. Maybe some would be upset with the attitude their child took with them, as mine did with me tonight. It wasn't personal. It wasn't a lack of respect. There is a difference, and discernment comes from the empathy. She is feeling the rush of puberty which makes emotions and thoughts 10 fold. I remember the feeling. I hope she realizes that even though my words of discipline are sometimes sharp and rigid or soft and relaxed, that my devotion to her is constant. That there is no sway or altering depending on the circumstance. I love this sweet child o'mine.
Self Imposed
Hmmm. Didn't I just post something on procrastination? But I am really enjoying just being. My home is quiet, warm and clean. A nice little shelter from everything and I am relishing it. I will get moving here pretty quick. The clock is ticking above my desk.
Anyway, I was blog surfing, rolling, jumping...whatever. I was getting a bit frustrated because I would end up on a blog that didn't have the handy dandy tool bar to move on. I felt entrapped within their space. Arg... But then. I got one quite fascinating to me. It was about their trip to Italy. Beautiful. Pictures of St. Peter's. The country etc... I want to go so bad. I have always wanted and this just reinforced my desire. One day...
Meanwhile.
I think I am hooked on my daughter's fruit snacks. I just read the carb count, however, and many other components. Not positive.
Have I mentioned how much I like the dictionary? :P Looking up a word sends me on a journey, I swear (figuratively). Because once I find the many meanings of one, I then need to search out the thesaurus to see what other words could give the same meaning only used in different ways. Then, I want to know the opposites of those words and their effects. Antonyms and such. It is interesting. Well, to me anyway. So, in my journey only moments ago, I found Blithe. As in blathering, blithering. A word I have used before because, in definition, it equates a sort of lighthearted attitude but one of jovial substance. But there is a 2nd definition. And that is someone with a lack of thought or concern for others. Well, that just brought up a whole bunch of thought right there. I know a blitherer...yep. Just another thought of me calling him such a thing, the look on his face and my immediate laughter.
Ok. Hittin' the showers...I promise.
Anyway, I was blog surfing, rolling, jumping...whatever. I was getting a bit frustrated because I would end up on a blog that didn't have the handy dandy tool bar to move on. I felt entrapped within their space. Arg... But then. I got one quite fascinating to me. It was about their trip to Italy. Beautiful. Pictures of St. Peter's. The country etc... I want to go so bad. I have always wanted and this just reinforced my desire. One day...
Meanwhile.
I think I am hooked on my daughter's fruit snacks. I just read the carb count, however, and many other components. Not positive.
Have I mentioned how much I like the dictionary? :P Looking up a word sends me on a journey, I swear (figuratively). Because once I find the many meanings of one, I then need to search out the thesaurus to see what other words could give the same meaning only used in different ways. Then, I want to know the opposites of those words and their effects. Antonyms and such. It is interesting. Well, to me anyway. So, in my journey only moments ago, I found Blithe. As in blathering, blithering. A word I have used before because, in definition, it equates a sort of lighthearted attitude but one of jovial substance. But there is a 2nd definition. And that is someone with a lack of thought or concern for others. Well, that just brought up a whole bunch of thought right there. I know a blitherer...yep. Just another thought of me calling him such a thing, the look on his face and my immediate laughter.
Ok. Hittin' the showers...I promise.
Toothpick
I had something else to write about. But that first morning gulp of hot coffee pretty much changed my train of thought. It is so good. I know, I am an addict.
My adopted mother is in the hospital again. My brother had left a message last night but I didn't check them until this morning. I saw them blinking before I went to bed...but really wasn't interested in what I would find there at the time. Now, I feel like I suck really bad. She lives in California, so it is hard to just pop over to see how she is doing. My main communication with her and family there is by phone. Some occasional emails to my brother. I have such varying feelings for this woman. She has been sick for so long now and my heart goes out to her. On one hand I feel so bad that I am not there to help. I have an obligation as a child raised by her to now help in her care during her later years. My sister wants me there. She even offered to move me back. (Of course, she doesn't have any children and doesn't understand that I can't just uproot my daughter from everything she has known. There is more to consider here than the convenience for my sister if I were to live with my mother and care for her full time.)If you know me, then you know the battles I have with this. It weighs heavy on me. I want to help. It is in me deep to do that. When someone is in need then I am there to do whatever I can, if it is just to hold a hand for comfort. There is extreme guilt that I go through when I don't. No, I am not bucking for sainthood, and I am not trying to sound like some Mother Teresa type. I think anyone feels the same to some degree. Some only have that what would fill a thimble, and some, buckets. There is a lot to go into, priorities of self and such. But I won't, hopefully you get where I am going with it.
But my other hand...remembers the time growing up. All that entailed. And my early 20's when I took care of her. I dealt with many a thing to do with her. Health issues, mental issues, and some physical ones. My brother and sister weren't there. They went to enjoy their youth and produce their lives. Don't get me wrong though. I wasn't imprisoned in the house, I had my fun too. I am not sure how to explain the experience without sounding martyr-ish. It wasn't like that. And, the past is the past. You can't change it or dwell on it. But it does influence my feeling on it all, of course. Now, I try to help in the way I can from here until I can go down for a visit again. Whether words expressed or researching the different aspects of the state health care system to provide her with some benefits. But I think all that fell on deaf ears anyway. It isn't much. I feel I should be doing more. Giving more. What to do. I don't know. My life is here though. And it is for reason that I Am here. Many...and varied.
I have told some, that if they can't find me in 8 or 9 years, that is because I am on the beach in Hawaii or something. I only say Hawaii cause that is the closest tropical place I can think of that is attainable. I haven't traveled much yet so I might find another place that I would fall in love with and say is my home for that time. Who knows really. It is nice to think on...
I am a fruitcake, I know. Dense with lots of little pieces strewn throughout, that require a bit of gum action before swallowing. And lots of nuts...
My adopted mother is in the hospital again. My brother had left a message last night but I didn't check them until this morning. I saw them blinking before I went to bed...but really wasn't interested in what I would find there at the time. Now, I feel like I suck really bad. She lives in California, so it is hard to just pop over to see how she is doing. My main communication with her and family there is by phone. Some occasional emails to my brother. I have such varying feelings for this woman. She has been sick for so long now and my heart goes out to her. On one hand I feel so bad that I am not there to help. I have an obligation as a child raised by her to now help in her care during her later years. My sister wants me there. She even offered to move me back. (Of course, she doesn't have any children and doesn't understand that I can't just uproot my daughter from everything she has known. There is more to consider here than the convenience for my sister if I were to live with my mother and care for her full time.)If you know me, then you know the battles I have with this. It weighs heavy on me. I want to help. It is in me deep to do that. When someone is in need then I am there to do whatever I can, if it is just to hold a hand for comfort. There is extreme guilt that I go through when I don't. No, I am not bucking for sainthood, and I am not trying to sound like some Mother Teresa type. I think anyone feels the same to some degree. Some only have that what would fill a thimble, and some, buckets. There is a lot to go into, priorities of self and such. But I won't, hopefully you get where I am going with it.
But my other hand...remembers the time growing up. All that entailed. And my early 20's when I took care of her. I dealt with many a thing to do with her. Health issues, mental issues, and some physical ones. My brother and sister weren't there. They went to enjoy their youth and produce their lives. Don't get me wrong though. I wasn't imprisoned in the house, I had my fun too. I am not sure how to explain the experience without sounding martyr-ish. It wasn't like that. And, the past is the past. You can't change it or dwell on it. But it does influence my feeling on it all, of course. Now, I try to help in the way I can from here until I can go down for a visit again. Whether words expressed or researching the different aspects of the state health care system to provide her with some benefits. But I think all that fell on deaf ears anyway. It isn't much. I feel I should be doing more. Giving more. What to do. I don't know. My life is here though. And it is for reason that I Am here. Many...and varied.
I have told some, that if they can't find me in 8 or 9 years, that is because I am on the beach in Hawaii or something. I only say Hawaii cause that is the closest tropical place I can think of that is attainable. I haven't traveled much yet so I might find another place that I would fall in love with and say is my home for that time. Who knows really. It is nice to think on...
I am a fruitcake, I know. Dense with lots of little pieces strewn throughout, that require a bit of gum action before swallowing. And lots of nuts...
Friday, October 29, 2004
Lesson #4,052
Procrastination: It is a bad, bad, bad thing. Why can't I seem to get this one? Perhaps, I do know and just don't want to admit it to myself. It is a difficult one to swallow each time it comes around. I only end up making an immediate situation....desperate. And I know that without a doubt, this is what will come to pass. Maybe this time, it will actually stick.
Anyway, I don't think I have had that many lessons. Maybe I have. More like 3,962. Who knows. I stopped counting a few years back. Besides, my fingers were gettin' kind of chalky... :P
Weekends...got to love it!
Anyway, I don't think I have had that many lessons. Maybe I have. More like 3,962. Who knows. I stopped counting a few years back. Besides, my fingers were gettin' kind of chalky... :P
Weekends...got to love it!
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Frizz
I finished it! I got all my credits. My issue now, is with the college I went through. They are having trouble finding my certificates of completion. Yeah...I am Not doing this again people! I worked my butt off for these credits and not so I could be told that they can't find them? Hmmfp..
Whew..just a little vent there. I am good... :D
Whew..just a little vent there. I am good... :D
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Hit the hold button...please?
Ok. I cleared 3 tests today and a total of 15 more credits towards my CE. (Continuing Education) That leaves me with a balance of 8 to complete by tomorrow. My work on my desk is backed up from focusing on this and my house is a mess. I am hoping this weekend I can rejoice in the fact that it is done, and I can get my focus back on the more mundane parts of my life. I got the laptop home...looks like blankets, my bed and a bunch of State Law regulations are my company tonight. :P Joy...
I am enjoying some debate or just conversation rather, with my techy friend. I love it when you can disagree with someone and not have it turn into some big "thing". I say, you can have different point of views with someone, or just takes on a situation and still be able to maintain respect and decorum with the other person. It is great fun! And extremely enlightening too. My experience in the past has been that when I disagree with someone and offer my own point of view...they just get angry and defensive. In turn, I get angry and defensive or I just retreat back and go no further. Not much you can say when someone isn't willing to listen and consider a different aspect. I love people that make me think and challenge me with an actual intellect. It is awesome and so cool to know someone like that.
Ok...off to cram in one more test before I have to run again...
I am enjoying some debate or just conversation rather, with my techy friend. I love it when you can disagree with someone and not have it turn into some big "thing". I say, you can have different point of views with someone, or just takes on a situation and still be able to maintain respect and decorum with the other person. It is great fun! And extremely enlightening too. My experience in the past has been that when I disagree with someone and offer my own point of view...they just get angry and defensive. In turn, I get angry and defensive or I just retreat back and go no further. Not much you can say when someone isn't willing to listen and consider a different aspect. I love people that make me think and challenge me with an actual intellect. It is awesome and so cool to know someone like that.
Ok...off to cram in one more test before I have to run again...
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Hand is to Glove as Head is to Bag
It snowed today. It began as the wet sleety type snow. Then it turned to those huge fat fluffy ones that land on your nose and blanket the tip with wet and cold. Tickles. I ran across from my work to get a cup of coffee this afternoon, and returned covered in these fat flakes. My co-worker, Kyle, laughed at me when I walked in the door. "Ummm October?" he said. Yep...
How I wish it was Saturday. I could lay in bed, snuggled in my blankets and reading. Maybe envisioning a fire crackling at my feet and singeing my toes. That would have to be a vision cause I don't have a fire place in my bedroom...wouldn't that be nice. One day maybe...
Anywho...
I think I may have upset someone today. Which really sucks cause they are important to me. I am hoping that discussion can occur, even when not in agreement, in a non-judgemental way. I guess I shall see. Misunderstandings happen.I misunderstand people all the time, I can certainly see where someone would do the same to me. Especially in my round about way of speaking sometimes. I try to compare things to another situation in order to get my point across. That is because I lack the vocabulary to say it in plain terms...apparently. I really don't know. I just hope I didn't upset this person, or do something to mess the friendship.
I know. My posts' may be boring to you as late. And to some, it may have always been. But my head is filled with State Laws and premium factors. There isn't much room for anything else. I am almost done...
I am on my 3rd 20oz cup of coffee today...anyone care to join me in an arousing round of wall bouncing? :P
How I wish it was Saturday. I could lay in bed, snuggled in my blankets and reading. Maybe envisioning a fire crackling at my feet and singeing my toes. That would have to be a vision cause I don't have a fire place in my bedroom...wouldn't that be nice. One day maybe...
Anywho...
I think I may have upset someone today. Which really sucks cause they are important to me. I am hoping that discussion can occur, even when not in agreement, in a non-judgemental way. I guess I shall see. Misunderstandings happen.I misunderstand people all the time, I can certainly see where someone would do the same to me. Especially in my round about way of speaking sometimes. I try to compare things to another situation in order to get my point across. That is because I lack the vocabulary to say it in plain terms...apparently. I really don't know. I just hope I didn't upset this person, or do something to mess the friendship.
I know. My posts' may be boring to you as late. And to some, it may have always been. But my head is filled with State Laws and premium factors. There isn't much room for anything else. I am almost done...
I am on my 3rd 20oz cup of coffee today...anyone care to join me in an arousing round of wall bouncing? :P
Sunday, October 24, 2004
...
People never cease to disappoint me. Does God grade on a curve? 'Cause I am a slow learner...
I sure hope so.
I sure hope so.
Slices of Ginger...
It is quiet here. Early Sunday morning. The sun is shining this morning after a long week of rain storms. It is cold out though. I am surprised there isn't a dusting of snow on the ground or ice crystals glimmering within the crevices of the pavement. The birds are getting thinner and pretty soon we will have one of those first snow mornings. Where everything is completely still...and time seems to have stopped. I liken it to an artists' easel. The canvas bare, awaiting his brush. No noise or emotion expressed on it's surface.
I am enjoying the peace. I like my music in the background most times. But I have times, too, where quiet is just as fulfilling.
My baby is still asleep. And quite warm and toasty I imagine. I picked her up late last night and when I did, she was crashed on grandma's couch. When we got home, she put full PJ's on with socks and a sweat shirt. She was cold... I took a peek at her this morning and she looks like she is out camping or something...funny. When I look at her sleeping, I still see my little toddler. So innocent and honest. A little one always questioning for answers and discovering them with amazement and wonder. It is hard to describe this feeling of watching something I created, grow and develop. It is one of life's most awesome experiences. I have heard new moms touch on this feeling before. I am far from being a "new mom" but that feeling you feel when you first have that new born infant laid on your tummy...never goes away. It never subsides.
I know she is getting older. They call it now a "'tween" (pre-teen, the be"tween" stages of development from child to maturity, usually the ages of 8-14 for girls. Although, maturity is much more than the physical attributes but we won't go into that because I could go on about how Some people that are 30 soon to be 31 still have no clue. But I digress...and remove my shovel.) and her questions are changing. My mom told me that when they went out to eat last night, that there was a boy her age flirting with her. Rachel didn't notice at all. My mom did however and was watching this boy fluff his feathers, so to speak. I am not ready for that at all. We were talking last night, before dropping her off at my moms, that in 20 years she will understand. She said "I have to wait till I am 30 to date?" I said "yeah..that sounds about right." She just shook her head at me and giggled "Oh mom". Ok, I know it is going to happen way before then...but I can joke about it. At least give me that!
I am enjoying the peace. I like my music in the background most times. But I have times, too, where quiet is just as fulfilling.
My baby is still asleep. And quite warm and toasty I imagine. I picked her up late last night and when I did, she was crashed on grandma's couch. When we got home, she put full PJ's on with socks and a sweat shirt. She was cold... I took a peek at her this morning and she looks like she is out camping or something...funny. When I look at her sleeping, I still see my little toddler. So innocent and honest. A little one always questioning for answers and discovering them with amazement and wonder. It is hard to describe this feeling of watching something I created, grow and develop. It is one of life's most awesome experiences. I have heard new moms touch on this feeling before. I am far from being a "new mom" but that feeling you feel when you first have that new born infant laid on your tummy...never goes away. It never subsides.
I know she is getting older. They call it now a "'tween" (pre-teen, the be"tween" stages of development from child to maturity, usually the ages of 8-14 for girls. Although, maturity is much more than the physical attributes but we won't go into that because I could go on about how Some people that are 30 soon to be 31 still have no clue. But I digress...and remove my shovel.) and her questions are changing. My mom told me that when they went out to eat last night, that there was a boy her age flirting with her. Rachel didn't notice at all. My mom did however and was watching this boy fluff his feathers, so to speak. I am not ready for that at all. We were talking last night, before dropping her off at my moms, that in 20 years she will understand. She said "I have to wait till I am 30 to date?" I said "yeah..that sounds about right." She just shook her head at me and giggled "Oh mom". Ok, I know it is going to happen way before then...but I can joke about it. At least give me that!
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Julianne does Brooklyn
I actually went and saw an adult movie tonight. NO...not "that" kind of adult movie. I mean a movie that doesn't involve animation. As a single parent who has all married friends, it doesn't happen too often. Well, almost all my friends are married. The friend I went with tonight isn't married. Which is a good thing. Because if they were...it would not be good. And, well, I don't want to do anything not good. Mostly. :P Moving on...
The movie. We went and saw The Forgotten. I had some expectations in that, I thought it was going to be one of those Psyche thriller, keep you guessing, just when you think you figured it out, smack yourself upside the head cause you didn't think of that to begin with...movies. Well, I can say I smacked myself in the head. It started out good. Giving you a good baseline to work with, nice character buildup and such. It had emotion and action. I love that. I was going along with it great. It had some nice special effects too. But then...the last hour of this two hour flick...just sort of left me...
I am still thinking of the word.
hmmmm.
Ok..I tried. I can't. I paced...I thought...I would say disappointed and am in a way. I could say dumbfounded, stupified, deflated because they settled for such an easy ending. It was like the people directing got tired of the whole thing and decided "Hey...let's just do this so we can be done now. I got dinner in the oven and a beer in the 'fridge." Don't get me wrong. I did like it. I can enjoy me a good quality sci-fi when that is what I am going to go see. I had no idea that was what I was in for. This began with such a deep questioning. I was dying to figure it out and have some answers. Only to find out...the aliens did it. I wonder if I can say that about all the crap in my life. "It's ok...it's the aliens and there is nothing you can do about it." Sorry to give it away if you haven't seen it. But ya know...save your 10 bucks and wait for it to come out in rental.
Let's just say that I was walking out of the theatre feeling as if I had just watched an episode of the X-Files. And my friend that was with me was singing "David Duchovny isn't gonna love me..." (however that song goes) all the way to the car. Now that? ...was entertainment!
The movie. We went and saw The Forgotten. I had some expectations in that, I thought it was going to be one of those Psyche thriller, keep you guessing, just when you think you figured it out, smack yourself upside the head cause you didn't think of that to begin with...movies. Well, I can say I smacked myself in the head. It started out good. Giving you a good baseline to work with, nice character buildup and such. It had emotion and action. I love that. I was going along with it great. It had some nice special effects too. But then...the last hour of this two hour flick...just sort of left me...
I am still thinking of the word.
hmmmm.
Ok..I tried. I can't. I paced...I thought...I would say disappointed and am in a way. I could say dumbfounded, stupified, deflated because they settled for such an easy ending. It was like the people directing got tired of the whole thing and decided "Hey...let's just do this so we can be done now. I got dinner in the oven and a beer in the 'fridge." Don't get me wrong. I did like it. I can enjoy me a good quality sci-fi when that is what I am going to go see. I had no idea that was what I was in for. This began with such a deep questioning. I was dying to figure it out and have some answers. Only to find out...the aliens did it. I wonder if I can say that about all the crap in my life. "It's ok...it's the aliens and there is nothing you can do about it." Sorry to give it away if you haven't seen it. But ya know...save your 10 bucks and wait for it to come out in rental.
Let's just say that I was walking out of the theatre feeling as if I had just watched an episode of the X-Files. And my friend that was with me was singing "David Duchovny isn't gonna love me..." (however that song goes) all the way to the car. Now that? ...was entertainment!
Friday, October 22, 2004
Crow...A little on the chewy side...
Ok, so I owe an apology here. He showed up. My daughters father. I got home to 3 messages saying he was in town. When he got here, it took me about 20 minutes before I could even look at him. I figured I needed to set my feelings aside for the sake of Rachel and make it a good experience for her. It doesn't happen often that she sees him or spends any amount of time with him. I needed to do that for her.
He actually turned out pretty decent. I found out he had been telling the truth about where he had been, pictures and all. He brought her gifts, and even me although I didn't accept them, and took us out to dinner. He then took us to Old Navy and pretty much let her have run of the store. I appreciated it, and even made myself ok with it. Watching Rachel gleam with pre-teen wonder at all the fashionable clothing she was acquiring, made me smile too and have some fun with her to boot. His conversation was interesting about the places he had been in the last few months and he managed to not go on about anything that deemed him a victim in something or other. He "seems" to be making an effort to straighten himself out. It is hard for me to be completely accepting of that. Hard, to look past the past and see change coming about in someone. Only time will tell, and the examples shown. I hope it is so, and what is on the surface exists below.Not just for him, but for his daughter as well...
He actually turned out pretty decent. I found out he had been telling the truth about where he had been, pictures and all. He brought her gifts, and even me although I didn't accept them, and took us out to dinner. He then took us to Old Navy and pretty much let her have run of the store. I appreciated it, and even made myself ok with it. Watching Rachel gleam with pre-teen wonder at all the fashionable clothing she was acquiring, made me smile too and have some fun with her to boot. His conversation was interesting about the places he had been in the last few months and he managed to not go on about anything that deemed him a victim in something or other. He "seems" to be making an effort to straighten himself out. It is hard for me to be completely accepting of that. Hard, to look past the past and see change coming about in someone. Only time will tell, and the examples shown. I hope it is so, and what is on the surface exists below.Not just for him, but for his daughter as well...
10..9...8....7....6..
Uh oh...it's Friday. Which is awesome...But I forgot Thursday again. I was going to write out some stuff last night, but got "distracted" again. I ended up writing in an email to a friend of mine and got a lot out that way. He is one of those people that inspires me. I have also been spending a lot of time studying. I am having to renew my licenses and it requires a lot of personal time to get through it. I am basically bring my work home with me, which I have an incredible amount of difficulty doing. Not much choice in this matter. And, it really bothers me when I have no choice in a situation.
Aside from that...
I am having unexpected company this weekend. Not sure on the day exactly. Said he would be here tonight. And I had only heard about this last night. Nothing like a little notice eh? This person? My daughters father. I could go on and on...and on...about how I feel about him. I would rather not, however. He hasn't been around, called or other form of communication for over 8 months. No contact on her birthday. No phone calls to see how school was going.(Oh I take that back, he called back in April to say he wasn't going to be around for her bday..pardon me) Nothing, till yesterday. I am now required to stop whatever plans we may have had in order to accommodate his need. Needs?? Shall I list the needs of his daughter? Has there been any flipping consideration for her? None. Nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. He doesn't do anything monetary to support her either, let alone the emotional. But yet...here I am. Accommodating his need for the yearly visit. So he can say he saw her. Let's not go into the fact that he still talks to her like she is 3. Hello?? The girl is 10 and incredibly smart and mature for her age. You think she doesn't notice what an ass he is making himself to be? She is not the little girl he left 7 years ago. Ugh...this is going to be difficult. I am going to have to stand there and hold my tongue. I can't influence her opinions of him. It is up to her to come to her own conclusions. I understand that. I respect that. But it is so hard to see her go through it.
Aside from that...
I am having unexpected company this weekend. Not sure on the day exactly. Said he would be here tonight. And I had only heard about this last night. Nothing like a little notice eh? This person? My daughters father. I could go on and on...and on...about how I feel about him. I would rather not, however. He hasn't been around, called or other form of communication for over 8 months. No contact on her birthday. No phone calls to see how school was going.(Oh I take that back, he called back in April to say he wasn't going to be around for her bday..pardon me) Nothing, till yesterday. I am now required to stop whatever plans we may have had in order to accommodate his need. Needs?? Shall I list the needs of his daughter? Has there been any flipping consideration for her? None. Nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. He doesn't do anything monetary to support her either, let alone the emotional. But yet...here I am. Accommodating his need for the yearly visit. So he can say he saw her. Let's not go into the fact that he still talks to her like she is 3. Hello?? The girl is 10 and incredibly smart and mature for her age. You think she doesn't notice what an ass he is making himself to be? She is not the little girl he left 7 years ago. Ugh...this is going to be difficult. I am going to have to stand there and hold my tongue. I can't influence her opinions of him. It is up to her to come to her own conclusions. I understand that. I respect that. But it is so hard to see her go through it.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
That didn't last long
I am home. Obviously because I just posted something on here. My dilemma? What to have for dinner. It is rather late to be eating. But I didn't eat earlier...cause I wasn't hungry. Now I am and my choices are limited.
My options you ask? Glad you did...
A. Toast with peanut butter. If you have read any of my posts' then you know this is one of my most favorite things. But usually when I am feeling, how should I say?...intimately challenged. Ha! I am cracking myself up with that one. Ok so I am not in the mood, and the peanut butter isn't sounding quite right.
B. Cocoa Pebbles. Yeah, the cereal. I am out of what I normally like for myself. Honey nut chex...which are so yummy. But I don't have any of those, so the settling for Cocoa pebbles is well...settling. I don't settle for anything.
C. Pasta smothered in butter and parmesean. Sounds good...but do I really want the carbs this late? I don't count them or anything, I just know they are there. Looming...
D. Yogurt. I don't think I need to comment on this one.
E. Granola Bar. Refer to option D sentence 2.
F. Popcorn. Hmmmm now this one is interesting. Ya know...I might have even chosen this one. But after typing option A...my mind starting drifting as I wrote. Thinking of the whole intimately challenged thing and...ahem...my many reflections in that area.
Peanut butter it is!
My options you ask? Glad you did...
A. Toast with peanut butter. If you have read any of my posts' then you know this is one of my most favorite things. But usually when I am feeling, how should I say?...intimately challenged. Ha! I am cracking myself up with that one. Ok so I am not in the mood, and the peanut butter isn't sounding quite right.
B. Cocoa Pebbles. Yeah, the cereal. I am out of what I normally like for myself. Honey nut chex...which are so yummy. But I don't have any of those, so the settling for Cocoa pebbles is well...settling. I don't settle for anything.
C. Pasta smothered in butter and parmesean. Sounds good...but do I really want the carbs this late? I don't count them or anything, I just know they are there. Looming...
D. Yogurt. I don't think I need to comment on this one.
E. Granola Bar. Refer to option D sentence 2.
F. Popcorn. Hmmmm now this one is interesting. Ya know...I might have even chosen this one. But after typing option A...my mind starting drifting as I wrote. Thinking of the whole intimately challenged thing and...ahem...my many reflections in that area.
Peanut butter it is!
Joe's All Night Diner
It's Wednesday? Hmmm and Tuesday happened...when? Right..that was yesterday.
Well, today is now and yesterday was then...tomorrow is yet to be discovered. I got this little bit of info in my email today. My Daily OM...I enjoy what it tells me most days. Today was one of them. These are some things I need to heed, as well as all of us I think. So I thought I would share. Here you go...
10 Ways to Nurture Relationships
Helping Bonds Thrive
1.The relationships you foster will become a mirror of the relationship you have with yourself. Francois de la Rochefoucauld said, "If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere." Learn to take responsibility for your own happiness and security and to treat yourself with acceptance, caring, and compassion.
2. Every person desires to be treated lovingly and simple kindness can often inspire kindness in return. Reflect on those who have made you feel most cared for and appreciated and emulate them in your interactions with others.
3. Though first impressions highlight similarities, it is often the differences between two people that make a relationship unique. Showing interest in the different cultures, beliefs, origins, and interests of your friends and loved ones can enrich and strengthen your ties.
4. Intimacy cannot thrive without contact. Making time for those important to you, even if it is simply the time spent writing a letter, demonstrates the depth of your feeling.
5. Positive thoughts and deeds inspire love, honesty, and respect. Negativity can only cause stress in relationships. Show others that you are grateful for the bounty with which you've been blessed and never hesitate to give to others.
6. Share not only the laughter, but the tears as well. In doing so, you will become richer in spirit.
7. Conflict is a natural part of all relationships. Focusing on creating a balanced compromise rather than winning or losing an argument can draw you and your friend closer together.
8. Feelings of irritation, anger, or frustration flourish when we remain silent. Give voice to your emotions as they arise using neutral, non-accusatory statements. Make your feelings clear.
9. Being hurt by someone we care for is one of life's great sorrows, but forgiveness is one of life's great joys. Practicing forgiveness eases strain on relationships that have been put to the test and will bring peace to your soul.
10. Lillian Hellman said, "People change and forget to tell each other." We often don't know we've changed though we recognize and may be hurt by changes in others. Find the underlying qualities you appreciate in those you care for and be tolerant of their evolution for everything and everyone changes with time.
Edifying...yes?
Well, today is now and yesterday was then...tomorrow is yet to be discovered. I got this little bit of info in my email today. My Daily OM...I enjoy what it tells me most days. Today was one of them. These are some things I need to heed, as well as all of us I think. So I thought I would share. Here you go...
10 Ways to Nurture Relationships
Helping Bonds Thrive
1.The relationships you foster will become a mirror of the relationship you have with yourself. Francois de la Rochefoucauld said, "If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere." Learn to take responsibility for your own happiness and security and to treat yourself with acceptance, caring, and compassion.
2. Every person desires to be treated lovingly and simple kindness can often inspire kindness in return. Reflect on those who have made you feel most cared for and appreciated and emulate them in your interactions with others.
3. Though first impressions highlight similarities, it is often the differences between two people that make a relationship unique. Showing interest in the different cultures, beliefs, origins, and interests of your friends and loved ones can enrich and strengthen your ties.
4. Intimacy cannot thrive without contact. Making time for those important to you, even if it is simply the time spent writing a letter, demonstrates the depth of your feeling.
5. Positive thoughts and deeds inspire love, honesty, and respect. Negativity can only cause stress in relationships. Show others that you are grateful for the bounty with which you've been blessed and never hesitate to give to others.
6. Share not only the laughter, but the tears as well. In doing so, you will become richer in spirit.
7. Conflict is a natural part of all relationships. Focusing on creating a balanced compromise rather than winning or losing an argument can draw you and your friend closer together.
8. Feelings of irritation, anger, or frustration flourish when we remain silent. Give voice to your emotions as they arise using neutral, non-accusatory statements. Make your feelings clear.
9. Being hurt by someone we care for is one of life's great sorrows, but forgiveness is one of life's great joys. Practicing forgiveness eases strain on relationships that have been put to the test and will bring peace to your soul.
10. Lillian Hellman said, "People change and forget to tell each other." We often don't know we've changed though we recognize and may be hurt by changes in others. Find the underlying qualities you appreciate in those you care for and be tolerant of their evolution for everything and everyone changes with time.
Edifying...yes?
Monday, October 18, 2004
Holes
Like a moth in clothing, or a maggot in wood, sorrow gnaws at the human heart.
Proverbs 25:20
I am thinking that parasite was too mild. Maggot is good. But, basically the same thing. Moths can be considered beautiful to some. There is no beauty in this person. I can't think of any other bug, except maybe some kind of flesh eating virus. But, I don't give him that much power. Yeah, so it's bugging me again. How would you feel if someone disregarded you as nothing? Used you to satisfy his need. No thought or consideration for what happens to you. Making feeble attempts at appeasing you so will feel better. When it actually makes you feel even worse because of the lack of thought behind it. It is hard for me to heal.
I think I will go with maggot. Just the name evokes images of something rotten, smelly. It sucks the nutrients and remainder of life out of it's object till it's own needs are met and then develops, moves on and fly's away with no regard. Ignoring and never looking upon what it used up to begin with. Yeah...that about sums it up.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Jumping on the bed...
I had a good day yesterday. It started out pretty normal. Saturday at home..sipping coffee etc.. But in the afternoon I went to one of those Makeup Hen parties. Ya know, the kind where you flip through the catalog of endless dollar signs and reasons why you need to buy their product. I was dead set on not spending a penny. Which, more often than not, I can do without hesitation. However, this one had some delectable lip glosses that I couldn't pass up. My lips never looked so tasty... Anyway, in acquiring my lip candy, I followed the sales woman back to her home in Redmond. She has this beautiful house, northeast of town. Huge grassy lawns and one of those wrap around porches for lazy hot summer evenings. Drool escaped my lips...
She took us, me and my daughter, around to the back where she had these huge cages. They were full of toddler toys and ropes for swinging and climbing. The inhabitants of these jungle gyms, Capuchin monkeys. The most adorable little things. She gave us marshmallows to feed them while she explained how she came to raise them. My questions began to flow, as they usually do with something that peaks my interest, and asked if I could write about them. She said I could come out anytime and take pictures and question her about the arrival of her friends. Their history and what makes up their individual personalities. She is an interesting woman. In talking with her, she shared a lot of other facts about her life. I have an appointment with her this next weekend, for other reasons, but she said she would give me some more info when I see her.
I never expected my day to turn out that way. And...I got to sum it all up with dinner at my moms.
She took us, me and my daughter, around to the back where she had these huge cages. They were full of toddler toys and ropes for swinging and climbing. The inhabitants of these jungle gyms, Capuchin monkeys. The most adorable little things. She gave us marshmallows to feed them while she explained how she came to raise them. My questions began to flow, as they usually do with something that peaks my interest, and asked if I could write about them. She said I could come out anytime and take pictures and question her about the arrival of her friends. Their history and what makes up their individual personalities. She is an interesting woman. In talking with her, she shared a lot of other facts about her life. I have an appointment with her this next weekend, for other reasons, but she said she would give me some more info when I see her.
I never expected my day to turn out that way. And...I got to sum it all up with dinner at my moms.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Fingertips
I actually signed on to my messenger this morning and had a bunch of messages from friends, chewing me out for not being on. One actually asked me if I moved out of the country?? :P Too funny... I am sorry for being so distracted and preoccupied lately. I am...hmmmm...in the angle of one of those shifts and turns that life seems to take on. Trying to make it around the corner to see which way I am going next. If that makes any sense to any of you. If you know me, then you sometimes get what I am trying to get across, and well, some of you don't and just take my metaphorical way of speaking with a grain of salt and confusion. At least the salt makes it somewhat tasty...brings out the flavor so to speak.
TeeHee...ok I just saw this commercial. I love commercials. Can't stand what the program is usually...but the commercials? Now that's entertainment. So this one...nothing really special...but the wife asks the husband about her cholesterol level, all the while looking in the mirror. Basically the "hey honey does this make me look fat?" concept. He just stands there, puzzled. Classic look...cracks me up. Ok, so maybe I am easily motivated to laughter...like that is a bad thing.
Hmmm 2 + 2 = me in the ad business utilizing my desire for a career in writing and my love for the art of message. I wish I could completely shift what I am doing...why couldn't I have developed my true desires when I was younger and had more time and less responsibility to achieve them with? Damn Hindsight...pisses me off. :P
Ok I have to now do something productive. I have a schedule today. Ew...means I have commitments I have to fulfill. Yeah so ok...off here now...turn the computer off Michelle....just hit the button...
TeeHee...ok I just saw this commercial. I love commercials. Can't stand what the program is usually...but the commercials? Now that's entertainment. So this one...nothing really special...but the wife asks the husband about her cholesterol level, all the while looking in the mirror. Basically the "hey honey does this make me look fat?" concept. He just stands there, puzzled. Classic look...cracks me up. Ok, so maybe I am easily motivated to laughter...like that is a bad thing.
Hmmm 2 + 2 = me in the ad business utilizing my desire for a career in writing and my love for the art of message. I wish I could completely shift what I am doing...why couldn't I have developed my true desires when I was younger and had more time and less responsibility to achieve them with? Damn Hindsight...pisses me off. :P
Ok I have to now do something productive. I have a schedule today. Ew...means I have commitments I have to fulfill. Yeah so ok...off here now...turn the computer off Michelle....just hit the button...
Friday, October 15, 2004
One fish, two fish, red fish, blue...
It has been a busy week. Time is whizzing by and I haven't been able to grab a moment out of the motion. I slide my hand in, and it is slapped back by the speed.
I don't know how often it happens. I know that the people most important to me, have come into my life without expectation or forethought. I wouldn't say it was chance. I don't believe in it. Not fully....
There is someone that I am coming to know. And it came about unexpectedly. But am thinking it is for some purpose. I don't know what it is yet. But usually you don't figure it out until it comes around full circle. So I am just enjoying it for now. It is blowing me away that someone could understand my own thoughts. Not because I have expressed them intentionally, just that when they express theirs, it is in complete agreement with what I am thinking as well. Bizarre. The same ponderings, questions, and searching. Strangely entwined circumstances or experiences. "On the same page" as it were in that proverbial book. I have never met someone like this. I would sometimes think someone was at least close to the place where I was...only to discover they were in a completely different chapter. If they were even taking the time to read the flipping book to begin with. I joked once that he must be me in a masculine form. It was funny...but there is truth in it too.
Hmmmm puzzling one this is...
By the way, anyone got one of those fish deboning thingys? I got a fish I would like to gut. :) Oh wait...no...it's too small. I think I'll just toss it back...
I don't know how often it happens. I know that the people most important to me, have come into my life without expectation or forethought. I wouldn't say it was chance. I don't believe in it. Not fully....
There is someone that I am coming to know. And it came about unexpectedly. But am thinking it is for some purpose. I don't know what it is yet. But usually you don't figure it out until it comes around full circle. So I am just enjoying it for now. It is blowing me away that someone could understand my own thoughts. Not because I have expressed them intentionally, just that when they express theirs, it is in complete agreement with what I am thinking as well. Bizarre. The same ponderings, questions, and searching. Strangely entwined circumstances or experiences. "On the same page" as it were in that proverbial book. I have never met someone like this. I would sometimes think someone was at least close to the place where I was...only to discover they were in a completely different chapter. If they were even taking the time to read the flipping book to begin with. I joked once that he must be me in a masculine form. It was funny...but there is truth in it too.
Hmmmm puzzling one this is...
By the way, anyone got one of those fish deboning thingys? I got a fish I would like to gut. :) Oh wait...no...it's too small. I think I'll just toss it back...
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Independent Modifications
There is a goal chart that hangs on my 'fridge. It is for my daughter. Certain "extra" things she can do around the house that can earn her stickers. Once she earns a certain amount, 25, then I will get her something she has had her eye on. There is no time frame on earning these stickers. That is her motivation. Depending on how bad she wants, whatever the object of her desire is (within budgetary specs) be it an item or place, will determine her rate of production. I let it be her choice, a conscious decision. I don't pay allowance. I feel that she should help around the house just as being a productive member of our ever so small family. And she does have chores that need to be accomplished and go without saying. But, as a compromising effort, I thought I would throw in some extra things that are within her reach to earn something special.
Well...lets just say that I haven't taken her shopping or to her place of choosing for a while. She brought this up to me the other day. And I said..."Well, do you see any stickers on that board? Hmmm maybe you should think about that." I noticed tonight, that she has been revising the goals and efforts I put out for her in an attempt to speed her number of stickers accumulated. Little booger. She took some post-its off my desk at home and started adding some things...
The first: Flushing the toilet.
The second: Brushing her teeth.
The third: Picking up her dinner dishes.
I found it all rather funny. And the fact that she had the gumption to take this into her own hands, I was somewhat proud of. However, the whole flushing the toilet and brushing her teeth had me a bit worried that these were things she had possibly not been doing as a regular part of life. Considering the fact, that the other items on the chart had not been attempted for some time. I pulled the post it off the board, walked into her bedroom and held it up for her to see. She gave me this Huge cheesy smile and said "Yes?" then broke out into laughter. Ugh..she is too cute. But we had our "talk" about being considerate for the next person to use the restroom and how brushing your teeth isn't only considerate and spares the dread of your breath to whomever you are talking to, but is good hygiene and keeps your teeth healthy. (Ha! The mommy lecture, punishment enough) And though the efforts she created will remain on the board, the stickers she puts there will not count towards her ultimate goal.
I love my kid.
Well...lets just say that I haven't taken her shopping or to her place of choosing for a while. She brought this up to me the other day. And I said..."Well, do you see any stickers on that board? Hmmm maybe you should think about that." I noticed tonight, that she has been revising the goals and efforts I put out for her in an attempt to speed her number of stickers accumulated. Little booger. She took some post-its off my desk at home and started adding some things...
The first: Flushing the toilet.
The second: Brushing her teeth.
The third: Picking up her dinner dishes.
I found it all rather funny. And the fact that she had the gumption to take this into her own hands, I was somewhat proud of. However, the whole flushing the toilet and brushing her teeth had me a bit worried that these were things she had possibly not been doing as a regular part of life. Considering the fact, that the other items on the chart had not been attempted for some time. I pulled the post it off the board, walked into her bedroom and held it up for her to see. She gave me this Huge cheesy smile and said "Yes?" then broke out into laughter. Ugh..she is too cute. But we had our "talk" about being considerate for the next person to use the restroom and how brushing your teeth isn't only considerate and spares the dread of your breath to whomever you are talking to, but is good hygiene and keeps your teeth healthy. (Ha! The mommy lecture, punishment enough) And though the efforts she created will remain on the board, the stickers she puts there will not count towards her ultimate goal.
I love my kid.
In Perpetuum
My daughter, Rachel, was sitting very quiet, thinking. She looked up at me tonight and said
"Ya know mom...I hope we are like that when I am older."
I gave her a puzzled look "Like what?" I said...
"You and me...Best Friends." she smiled.
"Oh..I thought we already were?" said me.
"Yeah, we are." she said "But I meant forever..."
"I know we will be, Rach."
Maybe it doesn't sound like much to you. But it meant the world to me.
"Ya know mom...I hope we are like that when I am older."
I gave her a puzzled look "Like what?" I said...
"You and me...Best Friends." she smiled.
"Oh..I thought we already were?" said me.
"Yeah, we are." she said "But I meant forever..."
"I know we will be, Rach."
Maybe it doesn't sound like much to you. But it meant the world to me.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Encrypted
Vivid illusions and dancing leaves,
breath in my mind like the wind in the trees.
Pine needles lay on the barren ground,
adding the coarseness to life all around.
Dry and cold they hover in air,
slapping my face, then whispers of care;
"Lead me down to the place who you are.
Turn this way but don't go too far.
I only want, to know you for now.
To find what you need? I can't tell you how."
"Yes.." He speaks, "it is there, it exists."
"But for you it is not, no need to resist."
Fear nothing, be free, is what I've been told
But the fear is all that I have now to hold
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Momentary regressions
I am learning a lesson here. It's a good one I think, that is to read the online users manual of any Digital Camera or other piece of electronics, before actually making the purchase. Had I known some of the things I do now...I would not have purchased this and would have waited till I get my other later this month. All those fine details that make a huge difference but you don't find on the package itself. Ah well, something I can stick in my purse or pocket for last minute pictures. It will come in handy and serve my craving for now.
I got some new jami's last night. I like them, but they are those low rise type with one of those babydoll t-shirts. Ya know, the style all the youngins' are wearing? I am 30 something (although I am still in "H" of it) so I feel a bit weird wearing this kind of cut. Like one of those other 30 s'things that try to keep their youth by dressing like a 25 year old. My dance teacher used to do this. She looked so goofy all the time, she was 40 and dressed like a 16 year old. Her clothes were always ill fitting (cause adult woman have adult bodies) I have no desire for myself to ooze out from crevices unknown and created. I have no problem with being in style, either. I am all for it. I try my best, keeping with what I like, and think I look pretty darn good most days. But, I also think it needs to be age appropriate. I am finding myself, however, trying to pull up the pants everytime I move.
whelp...off to play with the camera I finally figured out...
I got some new jami's last night. I like them, but they are those low rise type with one of those babydoll t-shirts. Ya know, the style all the youngins' are wearing? I am 30 something (although I am still in "H" of it) so I feel a bit weird wearing this kind of cut. Like one of those other 30 s'things that try to keep their youth by dressing like a 25 year old. My dance teacher used to do this. She looked so goofy all the time, she was 40 and dressed like a 16 year old. Her clothes were always ill fitting (cause adult woman have adult bodies) I have no desire for myself to ooze out from crevices unknown and created. I have no problem with being in style, either. I am all for it. I try my best, keeping with what I like, and think I look pretty darn good most days. But, I also think it needs to be age appropriate. I am finding myself, however, trying to pull up the pants everytime I move.
whelp...off to play with the camera I finally figured out...
Genesis 2:22
I am bored. But I would rather been floating around aimlessly online than to get offline and have the phone ring...again. Yes, I have dial up. I hate it, but it does have some perks. Like a valid excuse for not having to talk to someone you don't want to, and not feeling guilty cause you checked the caller ID and just didn't want to answer. Yeah, you know you do it too...
Ugh, I blew it tonight. Had to reboot my system cause Photoshop decided to freak on me. Well, while I was offline, and mind you it was 11:30pm or so, my phone rings. Damn it. And of course I answered, no reason why I wouldn't be home at 11:30 at night. So, I had to talk to him. I tried to make it brief, tried to scoot him off with thoughts that I was tired. After all he did ring me up really really late. But, he kept going on about how we need to go out etc...
I asked him about the relationship he was having with this one girl. He said that they still talk. I was like...ok...and that means what? He tried to ask me out once, when he was in full swing with this girl. He said he wanted to make sure there wasn't something better out there, and that this one was the right decision. Well, ok, flattering that he may think I am better, contrary to what others have said to me, but why would I do that? Even if he was "available" I don't see myself with this person. In any way, except a mild friendship. Extremely mild, more like acquaintance. The kind where you say hi once in a while, how's it going?, yeah I went to church, have a great day. I have been honest with him, told him how I feel on it. Nothing I say here isn't something I haven't already said to him. I respect him as a person and am thankful that I can talk to him openly.
But, there is a lot behind my reasons for this, and actually now that I think on it...I have posted about him before on here. Our views are hugely different. And, he really just torks me off sometimes. Not only with spiritual issues, but politically, emotionally...erg. He said that he doesn't want to raise any more kids. That he has raised his and is done. Well, hello?, I am still raising mine and surely not going to "drop" that because he wants me around at his beck and call 24/7. (that is what he told me he expects from "his" woman) It is part of who I am. A huge part. He also said once, that he could not see a woman as being beautiful and would not tell her so. He said, only that which God created was beautiful. This, from someone who quotes me scripture. Yeah. So who then, might I ask, created woman?
Do I really need to say anymore? I don't think so.
Ugh, I blew it tonight. Had to reboot my system cause Photoshop decided to freak on me. Well, while I was offline, and mind you it was 11:30pm or so, my phone rings. Damn it. And of course I answered, no reason why I wouldn't be home at 11:30 at night. So, I had to talk to him. I tried to make it brief, tried to scoot him off with thoughts that I was tired. After all he did ring me up really really late. But, he kept going on about how we need to go out etc...
I asked him about the relationship he was having with this one girl. He said that they still talk. I was like...ok...and that means what? He tried to ask me out once, when he was in full swing with this girl. He said he wanted to make sure there wasn't something better out there, and that this one was the right decision. Well, ok, flattering that he may think I am better, contrary to what others have said to me, but why would I do that? Even if he was "available" I don't see myself with this person. In any way, except a mild friendship. Extremely mild, more like acquaintance. The kind where you say hi once in a while, how's it going?, yeah I went to church, have a great day. I have been honest with him, told him how I feel on it. Nothing I say here isn't something I haven't already said to him. I respect him as a person and am thankful that I can talk to him openly.
But, there is a lot behind my reasons for this, and actually now that I think on it...I have posted about him before on here. Our views are hugely different. And, he really just torks me off sometimes. Not only with spiritual issues, but politically, emotionally...erg. He said that he doesn't want to raise any more kids. That he has raised his and is done. Well, hello?, I am still raising mine and surely not going to "drop" that because he wants me around at his beck and call 24/7. (that is what he told me he expects from "his" woman) It is part of who I am. A huge part. He also said once, that he could not see a woman as being beautiful and would not tell her so. He said, only that which God created was beautiful. This, from someone who quotes me scripture. Yeah. So who then, might I ask, created woman?
Do I really need to say anymore? I don't think so.
Saturday, October 09, 2004
"It is in their eyes that their magic resides"
I am slowing down on my entries. I actually skipped an entire day. I have had a bit of another creative outlet for writing, so my inspiration has been...umm...distracted. :P But, it is Saturday morning, and my thoughts are wandering. I am going to try to post a new picture up here. A friend of mine was playing with my photos in Photoshop and he made me look actually...kinda...pretty. Go figure...He is one of those talented web graphics/page people. Hmmm he can play with my photos anyday! Yum...
Moving on...
My cat, Sophia. I know, single woman with a cat..typical. I would have a dog, but the house I bought is small. While my yard is a good size, it is still not accommodating for the type of dogs I prefer. Large ones. Growing up, we bred Old English Sheep dogs...ya know, of the Please Don't Eat The Daisies era? (I am dating myself) Litter after litter of the most adorable black and white puppies. I have pictures of me young, completely covered with about 16 puppies crawling all over me. They were so much fun. A lot of work...but fun. Miss the fuzzy little critters.
Anyway...back to Sophia. She is a beautiful Calico (I would have posted a link but after flipping through hundreds of photos and pages I can't find one completely representative, I am link happy today apparently). Fluffy bright patches of orange and black and the purest white underbelly. To look at her, you would think she was still a kitten. Very petite, graceful looking and a face so sweet you can't help but coo at. Deceiving. Scratch just below her chin and she will purr like a tiger. Her personality can be that of one too. How something so sweet and delicate in appearance, can have such a devilish disposition is beyond me. Mostly it makes me laugh. The things she gets into and eventually, out of.
She is about 2 and half now and her hunting skills have been refined. Yet again this morning, she attempted to bring a bird in my house. Yuk. Last week, it was a squirrel. How the heck she won a battle with that poor furry woodland creature, without a scratch, is mind boggling. That carcass was sitting on my stoop as well. Yuk, yet again. I know the nature of a cat and that they do it as an offering to their owners. But hello!! Bring me a flower, rub against my leg, anything. There was a day when she would leave old banana peels, candy wrappers and the like. Whatever she had found out and about on her adventures.
I tossed her back outside this morning with bird in mouth. She is back now, laying on my living room floor, purring contentedly and looking quite satisfied. I don't want to know what happened to the bird...or what warm center it may reside in.
Moving on...
My cat, Sophia. I know, single woman with a cat..typical. I would have a dog, but the house I bought is small. While my yard is a good size, it is still not accommodating for the type of dogs I prefer. Large ones. Growing up, we bred Old English Sheep dogs...ya know, of the Please Don't Eat The Daisies era? (I am dating myself) Litter after litter of the most adorable black and white puppies. I have pictures of me young, completely covered with about 16 puppies crawling all over me. They were so much fun. A lot of work...but fun. Miss the fuzzy little critters.
Anyway...back to Sophia. She is a beautiful Calico (I would have posted a link but after flipping through hundreds of photos and pages I can't find one completely representative, I am link happy today apparently). Fluffy bright patches of orange and black and the purest white underbelly. To look at her, you would think she was still a kitten. Very petite, graceful looking and a face so sweet you can't help but coo at. Deceiving. Scratch just below her chin and she will purr like a tiger. Her personality can be that of one too. How something so sweet and delicate in appearance, can have such a devilish disposition is beyond me. Mostly it makes me laugh. The things she gets into and eventually, out of.
She is about 2 and half now and her hunting skills have been refined. Yet again this morning, she attempted to bring a bird in my house. Yuk. Last week, it was a squirrel. How the heck she won a battle with that poor furry woodland creature, without a scratch, is mind boggling. That carcass was sitting on my stoop as well. Yuk, yet again. I know the nature of a cat and that they do it as an offering to their owners. But hello!! Bring me a flower, rub against my leg, anything. There was a day when she would leave old banana peels, candy wrappers and the like. Whatever she had found out and about on her adventures.
I tossed her back outside this morning with bird in mouth. She is back now, laying on my living room floor, purring contentedly and looking quite satisfied. I don't want to know what happened to the bird...or what warm center it may reside in.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Messin Wit Da Funk....Ha!
Cause when I hear music
I just lose it
I wanna do it, with you, you, you, you
And when I hear music
I get in too it
I wanna do it, with you, you
The Black Eyed Peas
It's Friday!!!
I have been bumping to this CD all day...Ugh how bad I want to go dancing...
Next time I am in So Cal, it will be a definite destination!
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Sinking my teeth in...
It's feeling like Autumn. I know that those of you from, say, So. California, may not understand the changing of the seasons. I grew up there. It's either...hot...or hotter with a few torrents of rain that cause flooding. It has it's own beauty and charm, don't get me wrong.
But up here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest...well at least the part of the region that I am from, has amazing transitions from one time of year to the next. The awe that I feel each time I experience it, never ceases.
Autumn is my favorite amongst them all. The mornings, crisp. How the air grabs your face when you step outside. The wind blows through the trees that look like giant nectarines during the day. And the night, with its fresh cut, burnt cinder smell, finds you wrapped in thick blankets to keep the chill away.
It brings thoughts of harvest. A time to reap what has been sown within the past months and the knowing of a job well done or at least the effort put behind it. It brings thankfulness for those around you, who you love, who have shared the deepest, hardest and most special times the past year. Thankfulness for those who were significant to those hard times, without them, the lessons would not have come, followed by the wisdom. It awakens in me the appreciation I have and value I see in all these people. I realize, more so, how blessed I am.
But up here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest...well at least the part of the region that I am from, has amazing transitions from one time of year to the next. The awe that I feel each time I experience it, never ceases.
Autumn is my favorite amongst them all. The mornings, crisp. How the air grabs your face when you step outside. The wind blows through the trees that look like giant nectarines during the day. And the night, with its fresh cut, burnt cinder smell, finds you wrapped in thick blankets to keep the chill away.
It brings thoughts of harvest. A time to reap what has been sown within the past months and the knowing of a job well done or at least the effort put behind it. It brings thankfulness for those around you, who you love, who have shared the deepest, hardest and most special times the past year. Thankfulness for those who were significant to those hard times, without them, the lessons would not have come, followed by the wisdom. It awakens in me the appreciation I have and value I see in all these people. I realize, more so, how blessed I am.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Shakespeares' Rival
Drama.
Sometimes, I will write out something, only to foretell my own circumstances. Survival has been a main issue for me today. Maybe I make it so. Maybe it is just coincidence. Maybe not. Or, it is just how things are and I only state the obvious. I really couldn't tell ya.
Anyway...
I never realized how many people visit Wal-Mart during the day. Yeesh...had to run there on my lunch break to get some pantyhose. It was an event. All I wanted was some pantyhose. One thing. There isn't much else there I want, except maybe, toilet paper. I could have gone somewhere else but they are cheapest there and well, I am cheap. I prefer "thrifty" however. I could have waited, but I am somewhat anal and had a run down my left leg. I was wearing pants so no one could see but still...I knew it was there. Like many other things, we make it so no one will notice. But we know it's there. (Am I getting redundant yet?) I am big on acknowledgment. If there is something to do? Do it. If there is something to be said? Say it. Got a feeling? Feel it.
I was told by someone today that sometimes...you just got to fake it. I understand why I was told that, why it was needed, and why some do it. It is hard for me not to be real. My discernment in situations has been...hmmm....bad. I have gone from holding my feelings completely back at one time in my life, to spewing them forth like Mt St Helens may soon be. Hot molten words running across my lips. (Thats kind of a weird vision) And as some know first hand, they aren't always nice. Truth can be ugly at times. Even my own. I need balance. I don't want to hold back cause I feel dishonest, but I don't want to push cause I feel like I would hurt someones own feelings. And I really don't want to. I am meant to do something more here and I just don't know what yet. (Ok maybe that last statement was off the wall...work with me)
Sometimes, I will write out something, only to foretell my own circumstances. Survival has been a main issue for me today. Maybe I make it so. Maybe it is just coincidence. Maybe not. Or, it is just how things are and I only state the obvious. I really couldn't tell ya.
Anyway...
I never realized how many people visit Wal-Mart during the day. Yeesh...had to run there on my lunch break to get some pantyhose. It was an event. All I wanted was some pantyhose. One thing. There isn't much else there I want, except maybe, toilet paper. I could have gone somewhere else but they are cheapest there and well, I am cheap. I prefer "thrifty" however. I could have waited, but I am somewhat anal and had a run down my left leg. I was wearing pants so no one could see but still...I knew it was there. Like many other things, we make it so no one will notice. But we know it's there. (Am I getting redundant yet?) I am big on acknowledgment. If there is something to do? Do it. If there is something to be said? Say it. Got a feeling? Feel it.
I was told by someone today that sometimes...you just got to fake it. I understand why I was told that, why it was needed, and why some do it. It is hard for me not to be real. My discernment in situations has been...hmmm....bad. I have gone from holding my feelings completely back at one time in my life, to spewing them forth like Mt St Helens may soon be. Hot molten words running across my lips. (Thats kind of a weird vision) And as some know first hand, they aren't always nice. Truth can be ugly at times. Even my own. I need balance. I don't want to hold back cause I feel dishonest, but I don't want to push cause I feel like I would hurt someones own feelings. And I really don't want to. I am meant to do something more here and I just don't know what yet. (Ok maybe that last statement was off the wall...work with me)
Monday, October 04, 2004
Different Strokes
Trouble sleeping again. I shock myself with things I am capable of. Not only with what I say but what I choose to do. Almost uncontrollable. When something can overcome your common sense and lessons learned and drive you to complete abandon. Stupidity comes to mind. I wish I could claim ignorance, but you can't when you know better. Hindsight never had such meaning. Not much to do but forge ahead, again. I once read that some people live out of survival. That instinct that drives us to move on each and every day. Keep pushing forward and maybe, just maybe, something will produce. I am tired of being a survivalist. Tired of finding that way to make it past another day, only to go through it again the next. The solution? I have no clue.
I have this friend I talk to now and again. He lives his life just basically doing whatever he feels like. One month he may fly off to Puerto Rico...another month off to Europe. He spent 3 months in Alaska last summer just driving around to see what it offered. He is buying a sailboat so he can sail to other unknown places. I actually named the boat for him...reminiscent of the name of this page. Having to do with patches on ones soul.. I am envious that he lives his life with such freedom. With no strings, no confinement, no rules governing his existence. I see also his loss. Some things that I treasure and could not live without, he has chosen to exclude. But still that freedom. The attitude of letting oneself go. Desirous to say the least.
I have this friend I talk to now and again. He lives his life just basically doing whatever he feels like. One month he may fly off to Puerto Rico...another month off to Europe. He spent 3 months in Alaska last summer just driving around to see what it offered. He is buying a sailboat so he can sail to other unknown places. I actually named the boat for him...reminiscent of the name of this page. Having to do with patches on ones soul.. I am envious that he lives his life with such freedom. With no strings, no confinement, no rules governing his existence. I see also his loss. Some things that I treasure and could not live without, he has chosen to exclude. But still that freedom. The attitude of letting oneself go. Desirous to say the least.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Girls best friend
If you are one of the few that actually know me...then you know I don't watch TV. However, you will find me stopping to watch during some commercial that strikes my funny bone. And usually if I even mention something to do with the boob tube then it has to do with just that. My latest one is the diarrhea commercial in the music store...I know it's getting a bit old now but it still tickles me.
However! Once in a fantastic while, one comes along that sparks some interest in me. A strange curiosity to see what may unfold and can actually hold my attention. I must say that I am now guilty of watching an actual TV program. And I have to say...That I absolutely LOVE the Gilmore Girls...
This is a show that I can relate to. The relationship between the Lorelei and Rory are so reminiscent of me and my daughter. The "buddy" aspect of the relationship and the way she treats her daughter as a peer versus a subordinate is the same. With still some mommy love and warmth thrown in. The show is amazingly written. The dynamic between the generations is displayed with an awesome perspective. A gem I have found and wear it proudly.
On a side note... I just posed a question to my daughter "Rachel? Do you have any intent on entering the shower before bedtime?" (I have been trying to goad her to take one for the last hour or so and she has been burying her head in the land of pretend with no regard for my words) She broke herself away..glanced at me with a mischievous smile and said "No..." very sweetly of course...little booger. Of course, some of you more stern parents might see this as deviousness or lack of respect. I happen to know her very well, she has my sarcastic personality and sense of humor and I know she will be wet and soapy here soon enough...
However! Once in a fantastic while, one comes along that sparks some interest in me. A strange curiosity to see what may unfold and can actually hold my attention. I must say that I am now guilty of watching an actual TV program. And I have to say...That I absolutely LOVE the Gilmore Girls...
This is a show that I can relate to. The relationship between the Lorelei and Rory are so reminiscent of me and my daughter. The "buddy" aspect of the relationship and the way she treats her daughter as a peer versus a subordinate is the same. With still some mommy love and warmth thrown in. The show is amazingly written. The dynamic between the generations is displayed with an awesome perspective. A gem I have found and wear it proudly.
On a side note... I just posed a question to my daughter "Rachel? Do you have any intent on entering the shower before bedtime?" (I have been trying to goad her to take one for the last hour or so and she has been burying her head in the land of pretend with no regard for my words) She broke herself away..glanced at me with a mischievous smile and said "No..." very sweetly of course...little booger. Of course, some of you more stern parents might see this as deviousness or lack of respect. I happen to know her very well, she has my sarcastic personality and sense of humor and I know she will be wet and soapy here soon enough...
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Hyjinx
I would just like to mention first, how difficult is was to go to sleep last night. My daughter had crawled into my bed yet again for her slumber. When I finally hit my sheets, she was completely wrapped in my blankets. It's been chilly here at night, since Autumn is upon us, and the blankets I have are quite thick. One is a down comforter and the other a full size (king size) quilted blanket. The feat of a small child completely consuming these 2 sheaths of happiness and warmth is not a small one. However, this...she did. When she was an infant and through the toddler years, the time that I needed to carry her for one reason or another, she was always very "relaxed". Meaning, that some children are like dead weight when you carry them and some hold themselves to you. Mine, was dead weight. And let me just say...this has not changed over the years.
I laid myself down, very late last night and very tired, and tried to reach for at least part of the warmth I was seeking. I pulled and yanked. I even stood back up and with all my force and weight, tried to retrieve a portion of said objects. To no avail. This girl had a death grip going on and wasn't going to budge. Knowing my daughter the way I do, I thought...she must be awake and will burst out in laughter shortly from my feeble attempts. No such thing ensued. I laid back down, grabbed the sweet corner crumb that was left from her blanket binge, curled it up under my chin and slept. She is still sleeping even now. All warm, snug, comfy in my bed. But, I must say..she looks awful cute.
Next...(and why have I not started my coffee brewing?)
My mind has been in total and complete distraction the past few days. Which is actually quite the blessing and somewhat of an answered prayer. It keeps me from dwelling on the anger and hurt from that disturbed ex-friend I talk about. At some point, I will give him a name. But seeing as there may be children that stumble by this, the ones I could offer up would be offensive to say the least. Don't get me wrong though, his nasty little head still keeps popping up from time to time to remind me that there is still no closure aside from my disgust for him and absolute loathing. Yeah, I know, I need to be nice.
At any rate... the distraction. More thoughts than any reality. And it has been a welcome reprieve. Except for the knowing in the back of my mind that it is only thoughts and no type of tangibility will commence. Bittersweet. Like that of the unripened pear. I sliced a bit last night for just a taste, it was sweet and uttered complete satisfaction, but unfortunately it didn't grow from my tree. Much less, on the other side of the fence.
I laid myself down, very late last night and very tired, and tried to reach for at least part of the warmth I was seeking. I pulled and yanked. I even stood back up and with all my force and weight, tried to retrieve a portion of said objects. To no avail. This girl had a death grip going on and wasn't going to budge. Knowing my daughter the way I do, I thought...she must be awake and will burst out in laughter shortly from my feeble attempts. No such thing ensued. I laid back down, grabbed the sweet corner crumb that was left from her blanket binge, curled it up under my chin and slept. She is still sleeping even now. All warm, snug, comfy in my bed. But, I must say..she looks awful cute.
Next...(and why have I not started my coffee brewing?)
My mind has been in total and complete distraction the past few days. Which is actually quite the blessing and somewhat of an answered prayer. It keeps me from dwelling on the anger and hurt from that disturbed ex-friend I talk about. At some point, I will give him a name. But seeing as there may be children that stumble by this, the ones I could offer up would be offensive to say the least. Don't get me wrong though, his nasty little head still keeps popping up from time to time to remind me that there is still no closure aside from my disgust for him and absolute loathing. Yeah, I know, I need to be nice.
At any rate... the distraction. More thoughts than any reality. And it has been a welcome reprieve. Except for the knowing in the back of my mind that it is only thoughts and no type of tangibility will commence. Bittersweet. Like that of the unripened pear. I sliced a bit last night for just a taste, it was sweet and uttered complete satisfaction, but unfortunately it didn't grow from my tree. Much less, on the other side of the fence.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Found a penny in the internet's parking lot
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
And all shall be well . . .
T.S. Elliott
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
And all shall be well . . .
T.S. Elliott
Not the destination...
I was posting on another webpage today about paths and the like. How this is all a journey and that the people that come in and out of our lives are those that cross that path. How to think in these terms, allows me some sort of acceptance for when they leave my life. It is time for them to continue in their direction which is different than my own. It all sounds great and part of me does believe it. Doesn't mean I like it much. I really hope that he doesn't cross my path with his new girlfriend in tow. I can't be responsible for my behavior or what comes out of these lips. Hopefully, if that happens, I will be wearing a bikini at the time and making him feel quite the idiot for walking away. If that should come to pass, I am sure I will be able to restrain my hatred...filled instead with smiles and lots and lots of laughter.
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