(Be nice with that one...)
Ok. The dark, ugly, nasty side of me was displayed. That really is about as bad as it gets. Am I emotional? Yes I am. I don't excuse it. And I don't feel it is always such a good thing. But I am a passionate person. Not sure that I should have to offer an apology on such a thing when I think so many are really just...numb. Oblivious, frankly. Anyway...do I really wish the worst for him? Yes..I do. Just being honest with myself. Maybe that feeling will change at some point. Right now...I dont' think so. I wish I could say I was proud of his achievements...but how can you be proud of someone that hurt people to get there? The rewards of such things...are empty, to say the least. Some are satisfied with that...so be it. But how sad...
I went and talked with a friend of mine at lunch today. He made me laugh. I love that. And really put it all pretty plain. I love that too. Although, I had to lay out some details that I really don't like to talk about. But he seemed to understand. I love that even more. I liked seeing a more serious side to him...
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Eruptions
Sometimes....I feel really evil. I have absolute hatred for some people..or rather a particular person. You would think it would fade over time. That somehow forgiveness would find it's way into my being. But forgiveness seems to be one of my life's lessons. Cause it is something I have the hardest time with. This person isn't even worth my hatred much less anything of value. I wish and hope for bad things for him. Wishes of complete failure. That he would be walked away from..left alone...and abandoned. No regard for his feelings or needs. I find myself in almost a begging position. Please let everything horrible fall unto this person. He deserves no happiness...no reward for efforts that have only taken from others to serve his own purpose. He used me, belittled me and then made me out to be some unworthy waste of his time and a joke to friends. Full of back handed and condesending replies. And then replied only at his convenience. I see no change in this person. Perhaps, maybe, a better facade on display to gain what he needs to start his business. So many people were right about him...and still are. There used to be a day that if opportunity presented itself...I would help him out. Even without acknowledgement from him. (which he is incapable of) Now...if the opportunity arises that would allow me to help to thwart his efforts. I most certainly would make it my top priority. "A recomendation? Oh...don't use this service...the owner is an ass."
Monday, November 29, 2004
If Only...
My Daily OM
A Wealth Of Feeling
What Is Love?
Throughout recorded history, love has burned in the hearts of composers, writers, painters, and playwrights, and smoldered in those of parents, children, and friends. Love, primal, passionate, and pure, has been dissected, revered, praised, and derided. It has been called complex, ethereal, and mysterious. We long for a definition but fear that the feeling called love would be less exhilarating were it defined. Much of the mystery is rooted in the incomprehensibility of love's purpose. Self-sacrifice, procreation, caring, and romance can all exist separate from love. It is possible to have intense feelings for others but not define those feelings as love. And yet love remains a powerful and universal force that uplifts, inspires, and is strong enough to bring about great change.
Like the wind, which we cannot see yet know is all around us, love is often more easily perceived through its effects. As we transcend the boundaries of ego in order to love and be loved, we put aside self-centeredness and experience unity with another, and compassion, peace, joy, excitement, and fulfillment are the inevitable results. It is irrelevant whether the focus is a lover, a child, a relative, or a friend; the results are both familiar and novel, more so when love is returned in kind. But Paramahansa Yogananda noted that "to describe love is very difficult, for the same reason that words cannot fully describe the flavor of an orange. You have to taste the fruit to know its flavor. So with love." Those who have tasted of it often equate love with jealousy, bitterness, resentment, lust, or aggressive attachment, but it is none of these things. Love is both a feeling and an action, for as it brings us into the light, so do we strive for the happiness, safety, health, and fulfillment of those we love.
It is true that love can be fleeting and accepts few controls or conditions. The strongest loves blaze into being and wither away in an instant or last lifetimes. The one constant is the release of emotion. Love is not learned but brought forth from within because the basic nature of the human animal is love. It is only fear that causes the need to love and be loved to be buried. When we accept our worthiness and reject indifference, it is then that we are able to become outlets of love.
A Wealth Of Feeling
What Is Love?
Throughout recorded history, love has burned in the hearts of composers, writers, painters, and playwrights, and smoldered in those of parents, children, and friends. Love, primal, passionate, and pure, has been dissected, revered, praised, and derided. It has been called complex, ethereal, and mysterious. We long for a definition but fear that the feeling called love would be less exhilarating were it defined. Much of the mystery is rooted in the incomprehensibility of love's purpose. Self-sacrifice, procreation, caring, and romance can all exist separate from love. It is possible to have intense feelings for others but not define those feelings as love. And yet love remains a powerful and universal force that uplifts, inspires, and is strong enough to bring about great change.
Like the wind, which we cannot see yet know is all around us, love is often more easily perceived through its effects. As we transcend the boundaries of ego in order to love and be loved, we put aside self-centeredness and experience unity with another, and compassion, peace, joy, excitement, and fulfillment are the inevitable results. It is irrelevant whether the focus is a lover, a child, a relative, or a friend; the results are both familiar and novel, more so when love is returned in kind. But Paramahansa Yogananda noted that "to describe love is very difficult, for the same reason that words cannot fully describe the flavor of an orange. You have to taste the fruit to know its flavor. So with love." Those who have tasted of it often equate love with jealousy, bitterness, resentment, lust, or aggressive attachment, but it is none of these things. Love is both a feeling and an action, for as it brings us into the light, so do we strive for the happiness, safety, health, and fulfillment of those we love.
It is true that love can be fleeting and accepts few controls or conditions. The strongest loves blaze into being and wither away in an instant or last lifetimes. The one constant is the release of emotion. Love is not learned but brought forth from within because the basic nature of the human animal is love. It is only fear that causes the need to love and be loved to be buried. When we accept our worthiness and reject indifference, it is then that we are able to become outlets of love.
Right 3, 90 Degrees and Steady
Arg. Rarely, have I met someone that can beat me at round about conversations. I seem to have met a rival. I called this guy I am dating with a specific reason in mind. It has been hard for us to catch up with each other lately because of conflicting schedules, holidays and such. So, I have had some questions brewing in my mind that I am to the point of needing clarification on. I called him. Thinking...Ok...I am going to hold strong and spit it out...nope. He had me going in different directions and ummm...angles. I guess...ya know...I can hold the questions back a couple more days. He completely dominated the conversation and the angles of which he spoke, were all too tempting. Maybe he is intentionally trying to drive me nuts. I don't know. We now have a tentative date at some point this week. The proverbial Pencil as it were... How did that happen? Ugh...ok. Just think about the "Angles" Michelle...
(It published this 2x....hopefully this one works...sheesh.)
(It published this 2x....hopefully this one works...sheesh.)
Taping my Ankles
Monday already. Morning already. This 4 day weekend went so fast. It is, now, back to the reality of work and daily routine function. I guess I did accomplish a lot. My daughters room now looks like a bedroom, not a giant toybox and my yard looks like a yard instead of a haystack. I, however, am wiped. I could have used a couple more days to get all I wanted in order. I have to say though, that I am amazed at the amount of stuff that had accumulated in my daughters room. And generally throughout my house. It is hard to keep up with it all sometimes. As a single parent, I have no one to say "honey do this or honey do that". I alone, am the pot of honey. I can't imagine living this lifestyle and having a multitude of children. Anyway..it all looks and feels much better.
See? It all is getting back to routine. Time is running away from me again....
See? It all is getting back to routine. Time is running away from me again....
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Clear-cutting
Why must it be so difficult for someone to be straightforward about their intentions? I hesitate using that word because it is the exception when someone doesn't fall short of it (the intention). I think most use that philosophy because then they can feel better when the reality of what they intended is actually quite the opposite. It is how it was all along, but to appease the other and make it so much easier for them, they go along with "intended" motives. It makes them look better than they really are. Of course, if you call them on it...denial immediately ensues. It is something I have learned to recognize much earlier on than before. And thankfully so. Saves me a ton of heart-ache. I must say it is hard to find a person that is truly genuine and not out for their own personal gain alone. It is something that is alluding me. I am not so easily fooled like I was only a year ago. Although, I hardly feel competent in the matter. Anyway...
My kitty had quite the adventure last night. Poor little baby...she was terrified when I got her today. In the place I live...they have been trapping ferrel cats that have been roaming the neighborhood. Well, my cat Sophia found the temptation of food in the trap to much to pass up. She was trapped all through last night. I called for her, searched the neighborhood....but nothing. It was cold and snowed in the early morning hours. This morning I called the Humane Society on the thought that someone had turned her in. I was right on and thankful she was ok. Stinky...dirty...and her paws bloody from trying to escape the cage but ok. She was happy to be home, with a warm bath, snuggly blanket and all the treats I would give her.
Content now...
My kitty had quite the adventure last night. Poor little baby...she was terrified when I got her today. In the place I live...they have been trapping ferrel cats that have been roaming the neighborhood. Well, my cat Sophia found the temptation of food in the trap to much to pass up. She was trapped all through last night. I called for her, searched the neighborhood....but nothing. It was cold and snowed in the early morning hours. This morning I called the Humane Society on the thought that someone had turned her in. I was right on and thankful she was ok. Stinky...dirty...and her paws bloody from trying to escape the cage but ok. She was happy to be home, with a warm bath, snuggly blanket and all the treats I would give her.
Content now...
Thursday, November 25, 2004
From P.I.E. to P.I.G.
A Thankful day it is by tradition
But sincere words, really, are my mission
With Laughter and Love, Struggles and Strife
Family and friends, they bless my life
There are some I miss, A turn they have made
Which is ok...the memory has stayed
For those that remain, and let me be near
I love you so much and hold you so dear
I wish I could show how deeply I feel this
With simple typed words, there's something a miss
So with arms outstretched and a felt smile I'll say
I hope you have the best Thanksgiving Day
I often wonder if most people truly feel the reasons for certain seasons. Ok so that is cliche a bit but really I do wonder. Or are they just going through the motions of cooking the bird and feeling some sort of inconvenience at company overtaking their home? Obligated to attend some invitation, merely cause they have nothing else to do? Do they get what it is? How short and momentary our lives are? How each person in our personal sphere holds an amazing value? I feel them so deeply. It is not that I don't think on or feel these types of feelings all year round...I do. But there is so much emphasis on it all when there is a day meant for it, specifically. I take advantage of the opportunity, in my own simple way I guess, to show what cannot be expressed with each passing day.
I love my family and friends. From the kookiest to the most conservative of them. It sounds so simple to say. It is just a four letter word. But ya know, what it expresses for me, is huge. Maybe that word "love" itself, is a lesson in and of itself? It expresses a feeling that we often complicate and make these consuming issues out of. But it really is so simple. If we just let it be what it is. Anyway...
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours...
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Thankful is an Understatment
Ok...so I am a closet electronics geek. Or, maybe I just think I am in the closet. Anyway..I got my new computer. TeeHee...I am giddy again. Once I get everything I need downloaded, then I can start posting some photos. Well, providing I have any I want to share. I wasn't able to transfer the files I wanted from my old comp so I am going to have to install the drive on this one and get them that way. Sheesh...ah well. So long as I get them on this one, however it is I do it, I am happy. My sis and brother in law gave me additional memory to install on this one too. Are they nice or what? So awesome. Now it is an even better deal than what I already got. I think so, anyway. The coolest things this computer does. I love it... :D
I have to mention...that I have the best mom and dad. I spent a couple hours over there tonight and I just enjoy them so much. My appreciation of them and the people they are, comes from knowing what it could be/is, I guess. And if you know me, then you know what I mean by that. I have been on 2 different spectrums of "family". I am so fortunate (which doesn't even describe the depth of it) to know, love and be a part of these peoples lives. I was telling my daughter on the drive home, how much I love them and respect them. She said..."yeah mom...me too. I don't know what it would be like without them." All I could think...was "yes...that is the point."
I was blessed with all kinds of gifts today. Those of the material, eye candy kind...and those of the heart. The latter of the two...the best.
I have to mention...that I have the best mom and dad. I spent a couple hours over there tonight and I just enjoy them so much. My appreciation of them and the people they are, comes from knowing what it could be/is, I guess. And if you know me, then you know what I mean by that. I have been on 2 different spectrums of "family". I am so fortunate (which doesn't even describe the depth of it) to know, love and be a part of these peoples lives. I was telling my daughter on the drive home, how much I love them and respect them. She said..."yeah mom...me too. I don't know what it would be like without them." All I could think...was "yes...that is the point."
I was blessed with all kinds of gifts today. Those of the material, eye candy kind...and those of the heart. The latter of the two...the best.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Scratch Paper
The evolution of my town is becoming more and more obvious. The people here are changing with the newbies moving in. Apparently, we are the second most moved to city in the United States. I can understand why...it's beautiful and has offerings like no other place I have been. (which leaves a lot, however) Just frequenting the grocery store has reminiscings of the place I grew up. Big city, anonymous lifestyle and people that could give a rip if they step on your toes much less, making a right turn in front of you at 60mph with a shopping cart. Sheesh. I have found myself, more often, going to the places in town that still hold the local feel. Granted, I was not born and raised here. But my home has been made here over the last 10 years and I sort of feel like an adopted local. Sorta... :P Anyway..it is still an awesome place to live, corrupted state government, democratic extremists, wannabe gangbangers and all.
Page 2...
I am working on the "fear" thing. Keep the wheels moving...go with the flow, quit looking for the direction it's going and just go. My mom said my post about fear and such the other night sounded hysterical and well, pretty much proves a point she had tried to make to me once (I won't go into that one). I don't think I was in the midst of hysterics, just writing out my thoughts. But I guess it could take on the essence of the dramatic depending on personal perspective. Understood. I am fine. Besides...the guy kissed me today and my toes did this weird curly, hot thing. If I was wearing socks, they would be knocked off. Dang me... One of those "take your breath away" kisses... Nice. I mentioned how good it was to him...he said he had been practicing. Hmmm. Keep up the good work. ;)
and 3...
Work. My job. My chosen profession. It has been...hmmm...busy. Which of course is good. But man o man...I am lucky to push myself out to get my lunch break. My brain is fried by the end of the day. I miss Kyle. He was such a bright face to see everyday. A welcome break of laughter to some off color remark I made. I am so looking forward to having the long weekend and spending some time with my baby girl. The days have been flying by and I feel like I haven't really talked or hung out with her for a while. If I don't soon, I will turn around and she will be 5'8", heaving chest and have a boyfriend with a motorcycle at her side. Yes, exaggerated...but you get my point I am sure.
4...
I have been glued to video games the past week or so. My late night hours, fingers stuck to the controller to conquer another mission and get that weapon upgrade. My mind becomes mush. I love it. It is better than liquefying my brain on television shows that require no thought at all, anyway. I have needed a break from constructive mind activity, and this works well for me. Speaking of which...I need to go. I am "}{" <--this close to beating the bad guy.
Fini
Page 2...
I am working on the "fear" thing. Keep the wheels moving...go with the flow, quit looking for the direction it's going and just go. My mom said my post about fear and such the other night sounded hysterical and well, pretty much proves a point she had tried to make to me once (I won't go into that one). I don't think I was in the midst of hysterics, just writing out my thoughts. But I guess it could take on the essence of the dramatic depending on personal perspective. Understood. I am fine. Besides...the guy kissed me today and my toes did this weird curly, hot thing. If I was wearing socks, they would be knocked off. Dang me... One of those "take your breath away" kisses... Nice. I mentioned how good it was to him...he said he had been practicing. Hmmm. Keep up the good work. ;)
and 3...
Work. My job. My chosen profession. It has been...hmmm...busy. Which of course is good. But man o man...I am lucky to push myself out to get my lunch break. My brain is fried by the end of the day. I miss Kyle. He was such a bright face to see everyday. A welcome break of laughter to some off color remark I made. I am so looking forward to having the long weekend and spending some time with my baby girl. The days have been flying by and I feel like I haven't really talked or hung out with her for a while. If I don't soon, I will turn around and she will be 5'8", heaving chest and have a boyfriend with a motorcycle at her side. Yes, exaggerated...but you get my point I am sure.
4...
I have been glued to video games the past week or so. My late night hours, fingers stuck to the controller to conquer another mission and get that weapon upgrade. My mind becomes mush. I love it. It is better than liquefying my brain on television shows that require no thought at all, anyway. I have needed a break from constructive mind activity, and this works well for me. Speaking of which...I need to go. I am "}{" <--this close to beating the bad guy.
Fini
Monday, November 22, 2004
When the Cat's Away...
I have a frog He sits at my right
He watches my heart morning till night
In my hand, I can hold Him fast
A symbol for me, of Faith that can last
Soft like velvet He feels to the touch
But inside is where I feel Him so much
To look at His face a toy you would see
But the meaning behind it, is so full to me
Loving and Lessons, Discernment and Trust
His values are some I consider a must
Without them I know my mind would be lost
I can't even fathom the weight of the cost
I will say goodbye now, continue my climb
And, Thanks, for reading my dry little rhyme
He watches my heart morning till night
In my hand, I can hold Him fast
A symbol for me, of Faith that can last
Soft like velvet He feels to the touch
But inside is where I feel Him so much
To look at His face a toy you would see
But the meaning behind it, is so full to me
Loving and Lessons, Discernment and Trust
His values are some I consider a must
Without them I know my mind would be lost
I can't even fathom the weight of the cost
I will say goodbye now, continue my climb
And, Thanks, for reading my dry little rhyme
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Giddy
Heeheehee....I got my digital camera today. It is sooo cool. I can't even begin to explain all the cool stuff about it. It has everything I was looking for and then some; video and audio, all the filters I was thinking of purchasing seperately it has built in and it is pretty friendly to use (once I get used to the buttons and features I need most). This saleswoman that worked with me was awesome too. She knew her stuff and had unconditional patience with my unending questions. Of course, now I need to have some patience for my battery to charge...arg.
I have yet to get my computer. I am sort of like a fish out of water on that one. I want the best for my budget. I think I know what I am going to get. I just need to make that commitment.
Anyway I love my new toy. :P
I have yet to get my computer. I am sort of like a fish out of water on that one. I want the best for my budget. I think I know what I am going to get. I just need to make that commitment.
Anyway I love my new toy. :P
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Ball 3
FEAR is the most general term and implies anxiety and usually loss of courage
Mine? Is a fear of falling. Not just physically...but emotionally. It is overcoming me again. It is not so much that I am anxious, but more of a worry of what could happen. Everyone feels it to some degree. It is just when I come into certain situations or feel myself starting to go to a certain place (within, emotionally) I get choked up. I hesitate, side step, fluctuate, withdraw and inevitably make something that could be so easy...difficult. It is nothing outward so much, (although it is hard for me to hide my feelings. It comes out my face and a really bad choice of wording.) I begin with the questions and doubts in my own mind, and from experience, get to a point of indifference. I don't want to feel it again. That "what if it is only this...?", I am side stepping. I also feel it is inevitable and going to happen no matter what I do, because it is all part of life.
DREAD usually adds the idea of intense reluctance to face or meet a person or situation and suggests aversion as well as anxiety
There is that word anxiety again. It isn't anxiety I feel...I would focus more on that word..Aversion. Some call it running...pulling back...plain ol' scared. The thought of being hurt again is almost too much to bare. I don't want to go through my life without experience, either. How could I ever get to the point of good if I don't try and sit idle by?
So what?..Take a chance? Hope? What if it is just fun and games again and what I want is not possible? What if I don't know the difference? What if I let myself go, only to find the other doesn't own a catchers mitt? I had the word and definition of Rebound in my head tonight. I don't want to be someone's second choice again. Or a passing moment on the way to their recovery and "something better" (wow...that one still stings). Left with a hardy "Thank You" and a "I Am Sorry...but..." I am not so dispensable or "User" friendly.
So, see? My questions that blew out my fingertips that should have stayed within the glove. I can't think of a way to type out a heavy sigh...so I am just going to go to bed.
Mine? Is a fear of falling. Not just physically...but emotionally. It is overcoming me again. It is not so much that I am anxious, but more of a worry of what could happen. Everyone feels it to some degree. It is just when I come into certain situations or feel myself starting to go to a certain place (within, emotionally) I get choked up. I hesitate, side step, fluctuate, withdraw and inevitably make something that could be so easy...difficult. It is nothing outward so much, (although it is hard for me to hide my feelings. It comes out my face and a really bad choice of wording.) I begin with the questions and doubts in my own mind, and from experience, get to a point of indifference. I don't want to feel it again. That "what if it is only this...?", I am side stepping. I also feel it is inevitable and going to happen no matter what I do, because it is all part of life.
DREAD usually adds the idea of intense reluctance to face or meet a person or situation and suggests aversion as well as anxiety
There is that word anxiety again. It isn't anxiety I feel...I would focus more on that word..Aversion. Some call it running...pulling back...plain ol' scared. The thought of being hurt again is almost too much to bare. I don't want to go through my life without experience, either. How could I ever get to the point of good if I don't try and sit idle by?
So what?..Take a chance? Hope? What if it is just fun and games again and what I want is not possible? What if I don't know the difference? What if I let myself go, only to find the other doesn't own a catchers mitt? I had the word and definition of Rebound in my head tonight. I don't want to be someone's second choice again. Or a passing moment on the way to their recovery and "something better" (wow...that one still stings). Left with a hardy "Thank You" and a "I Am Sorry...but..." I am not so dispensable or "User" friendly.
So, see? My questions that blew out my fingertips that should have stayed within the glove. I can't think of a way to type out a heavy sigh...so I am just going to go to bed.
Semi-precious
A gem of an email. I like to share. :)
My Daily OM
A Quest Of The Heart
Finding Your Soul's Purpose
Destiny, the greatest mystery in every individual's life, is a grand puzzle waiting to be solved. It is not uncommon to ask, "Why am I here?" or to wish for a more dynamic or creative approach to living while still following the expected path or bowing to the status quo. But each person has been blessed with talents and strengths that flow from the depths of the soul and allow him or her to make a unique and special contribution to the world. This is the root of the soul's purpose, which is much more than a simple occupation. It is the longing of the heart, a gift we ache to express, and a life's mission. Many people never discover their soul's purpose because they believe themselves unqualified or ill-equipped. However, discovering the soul's purpose is not a relay of trial and error but an exciting journey.
The world needs the fruits of the soul's purpose, but it requires patience and courage to follow the path of the heart and, until that purpose is found, material successes can feel empty and unfulfilling. Finding your soul's purpose is an individual quest of introspection requiring inner counsel strong enough to disregard naysayers. Begin by asking yourself which pursuits give you, or have given you, the most joy. Which draw upon your natural talents and cause you to feel that you have put forth deep roots in the universe? If you can think of no such activity, it is time to try something new, perhaps in the form of a hobby or volunteering. When answers do come, through meditation or participation, it will be necessary to accept that large-scale changes may be in order to align your path with your soul's purpose. Though doubt may arise, fulfilling your life's mission will give you strength.
There are, however, no absolutes. Achieving the soul's purpose requires not only awareness, but participation as well. The soul exists to evolve and when we become aware of its desires, it is up to us to take the first steps, however difficult they may be. Having fulfilled one purpose, another may arise, leading you to other paths you never anticipated. But once you have discovered your soul's purpose and embarked upon the journey, you will have taken the most important step in creating a truly joyful life.
My Daily OM
A Quest Of The Heart
Finding Your Soul's Purpose
Destiny, the greatest mystery in every individual's life, is a grand puzzle waiting to be solved. It is not uncommon to ask, "Why am I here?" or to wish for a more dynamic or creative approach to living while still following the expected path or bowing to the status quo. But each person has been blessed with talents and strengths that flow from the depths of the soul and allow him or her to make a unique and special contribution to the world. This is the root of the soul's purpose, which is much more than a simple occupation. It is the longing of the heart, a gift we ache to express, and a life's mission. Many people never discover their soul's purpose because they believe themselves unqualified or ill-equipped. However, discovering the soul's purpose is not a relay of trial and error but an exciting journey.
The world needs the fruits of the soul's purpose, but it requires patience and courage to follow the path of the heart and, until that purpose is found, material successes can feel empty and unfulfilling. Finding your soul's purpose is an individual quest of introspection requiring inner counsel strong enough to disregard naysayers. Begin by asking yourself which pursuits give you, or have given you, the most joy. Which draw upon your natural talents and cause you to feel that you have put forth deep roots in the universe? If you can think of no such activity, it is time to try something new, perhaps in the form of a hobby or volunteering. When answers do come, through meditation or participation, it will be necessary to accept that large-scale changes may be in order to align your path with your soul's purpose. Though doubt may arise, fulfilling your life's mission will give you strength.
There are, however, no absolutes. Achieving the soul's purpose requires not only awareness, but participation as well. The soul exists to evolve and when we become aware of its desires, it is up to us to take the first steps, however difficult they may be. Having fulfilled one purpose, another may arise, leading you to other paths you never anticipated. But once you have discovered your soul's purpose and embarked upon the journey, you will have taken the most important step in creating a truly joyful life.
Friday, November 19, 2004
Chasing the Turkey
I am sitting here thinking about which task to accomplish about my home with the time I have before work. I can't seem to settle on one particular one so here I am. I am sure my time will be consumed within this post.
It is Friday. A day I find so positive on each occasion regardless of any event or instance that may take place. Ya just can't mess it up. Not to mention...that next week is Thanksgiving. That alone gets me excited. Anticipation is one of my most favorite feelings. We all know the weekends fly by quicker than a jack rabbit, so next week will begin soon. :)
On Thursday, there is a local paper that comes out. They claim Liberal, but tends to lean to the side of Democrat. I still read it, even though my apple cart doesn't deliver to either party. Seeing every side of the coin is important to me; every groove and detail. I enjoy their opinion section as well, and entertainment events, about town, that I might be able to catch. But there was this article yesterday that threw me a bit. It spoke of the recent election and how emotion won out common sense. Hmmmph. I have difficulty agreeing with this. Maybe, because I am a woman and am ruled with emotion. But I can't honestly agree that men are ruled with common sense. And how does one differentiate the two? Is one not determined or influenced by the other? I believe so. I know people that are so incredibly intelligent. Smarter than I don't know what. But, common sense they lack. Almost completely. And if you look close...emotion is somewhat void as well. Or, at least the acknowledgment and discernment of any.
My hot steamy shower is beckoning...more on this later.
It is Friday. A day I find so positive on each occasion regardless of any event or instance that may take place. Ya just can't mess it up. Not to mention...that next week is Thanksgiving. That alone gets me excited. Anticipation is one of my most favorite feelings. We all know the weekends fly by quicker than a jack rabbit, so next week will begin soon. :)
On Thursday, there is a local paper that comes out. They claim Liberal, but tends to lean to the side of Democrat. I still read it, even though my apple cart doesn't deliver to either party. Seeing every side of the coin is important to me; every groove and detail. I enjoy their opinion section as well, and entertainment events, about town, that I might be able to catch. But there was this article yesterday that threw me a bit. It spoke of the recent election and how emotion won out common sense. Hmmmph. I have difficulty agreeing with this. Maybe, because I am a woman and am ruled with emotion. But I can't honestly agree that men are ruled with common sense. And how does one differentiate the two? Is one not determined or influenced by the other? I believe so. I know people that are so incredibly intelligent. Smarter than I don't know what. But, common sense they lack. Almost completely. And if you look close...emotion is somewhat void as well. Or, at least the acknowledgment and discernment of any.
My hot steamy shower is beckoning...more on this later.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Zero Gravity
"You anticipate what I would say, though you cannot know how earnestly I say it, how earnestly I feel it, without knowing my secret heart, and the hopes and fears and anxieties with which it has long been laden..."
Charles Dickens
Hmmm. I went to breakfast the other day with a friend. Our conversation took a turn to some history of mine. He asked questions of why and how long. I explained the details and simple facts of note, in an abridged version. I hadn't thought on it for a while and wondered how it would feel to touch those parts of the past. I felt fine...and didn't have much reaction to the reality of it. But his expression was one of, not shock...but maybe, disbelief? He had the same questions and opinions of it as most that know of it, have. Confirmations. Makes me realize that I did see and feel it all right. It wasn't wrong for me to be saddened by it, hurt by it. So much guilt laid inside of me because I thought I had done something wrong. I think there is a part in all of us that feels we aren't good enough. But even so, it is how we move through each day. Being the best we can, regardless of those feelings of imperfection.
I was walking tonight and got to that point of out of body. I was somewhere else again. I love that. Completely taken away with no regard for what my body was doing or feeling. It is completely relaxing, mentally. I found myself, this time, on a plane. Flying to some unknown place. But, it was who I met on this aircraft, that kept me in flight. Seems so real...
Monday, November 15, 2004
3 corners done
A post. I think I have exacerbated myself recently, or rather for a while, with emails I have been keeping up with. So much thought projected there and none left for anywhere else. I will get fleeting ideas that disappear like the speck in the corner of your eye. I find myself blinking with purpose to see if it will appear again. Wishing, only moments later, I had written it down. Sometimes it comes back to me but it has morphed into something a bit different and not what was intended.
What is it with this memory loss? There are things I can remember, odd things some would look past, signs and symbols in events I can see and piece together. But the ones within my own mind are lost; left unturned in the lid of the box. The edges aren't together yet, so maybe they should keep where they are. I'll keep searching for the flat edge as a given.
I sit here, ruminating, over people I come into contact with at work. How some have an icky sweet stench of insincerity and those, so genuine and real like the daisies on my kitchen counter. How easy to tell the difference in the types. I am amazed by those of the rehearsed persuasion, ones that would kill a plant to spite the bug, at the request and demands they feel comfortable in making of me. How they feel anything from a simple lie to out-and-out fraud is of no consequence. They then feel slighted that I will not accommodate what would be so convenient for them. My ethics have deep roots, however. Why would I carry forth a thing only to arrive with it rotten?
What is it with this memory loss? There are things I can remember, odd things some would look past, signs and symbols in events I can see and piece together. But the ones within my own mind are lost; left unturned in the lid of the box. The edges aren't together yet, so maybe they should keep where they are. I'll keep searching for the flat edge as a given.
I sit here, ruminating, over people I come into contact with at work. How some have an icky sweet stench of insincerity and those, so genuine and real like the daisies on my kitchen counter. How easy to tell the difference in the types. I am amazed by those of the rehearsed persuasion, ones that would kill a plant to spite the bug, at the request and demands they feel comfortable in making of me. How they feel anything from a simple lie to out-and-out fraud is of no consequence. They then feel slighted that I will not accommodate what would be so convenient for them. My ethics have deep roots, however. Why would I carry forth a thing only to arrive with it rotten?
Rubber Trees
It is now almost 10am and I have not had the chance to go get coffee yet. Hmmpf. Of course, I am taking the time to voice my dis-pleasure with this fact, on here. I can't leave the office however, and the coffee would most certainly take precidence over posting. I assure you. But, my brooding is getting the better of me and so here I am.
I am not making my day a positive one so far. I need to change it up and turn it around. (Coffee would be helpful) My daughter is not liking me today and I can't blame her. Although, she deserved the discussion we had this morning, I could have done it differently. Should have.
Smiles are plastered on now...it Will be a great day!
I am not making my day a positive one so far. I need to change it up and turn it around. (Coffee would be helpful) My daughter is not liking me today and I can't blame her. Although, she deserved the discussion we had this morning, I could have done it differently. Should have.
Smiles are plastered on now...it Will be a great day!
Sunday, November 14, 2004
An empty shell
Crabby Patty has gone on to greener pastures, or would that be sandier beaches? Anyway, I am not sure what caused his (or her) passing. It has been immortalized in this blog however. I don't understand since he was so active the other night. Maybe the levels within the aquarium were not to his satisfaction. They require more care than one would think. Moisture is very important as one might guess from a sort of sea creature. Funny how that makes me think of a comment a friend made in an email to me last night. It was a reply to a comment I made about feeling as though I didn't have time to truly develop a relationship with someone and that timing is my nemesis; he said that friendship is something that needs to be watered. How true. All creatures great and small (and we are are all great and small when going into the grander sceme of things. But I will spare you my reflections and such on that)require friendship to sustain life. Life as in learning, and growth etc... Anyway, sorry Crabby. The other crab is just fine, however. So maybe Crabby was just not healthy or hurt himself on one of his climbs about the aquarium. I dunno...
Speaking of over explanation...
My daughters best friends father came to pick her up this morning. I told him that we had gone to the movies last night and went into the differences in production between Warner Bros. and Disney. Comparing the two movies released as late. How I felt they had flip flopped a bit and my perception of it all. He sort of stood there with a blank expression...saying "Oh yeah..?" I pretty much figured...ok I need to stop cause he isn't connecting with my thought and I am looking kind of...I dunno...weird. Deep thought is not for everyone and I sometimes lack the direction in who I can and cannot do that with. Glad that awkward moment ended swiftly. Not to mention, well I guess I am, the fact that he showed up shortly after I crawled out of bed. I was in jamis, hair a mess and no bra. I stood there with my arms crossed, to hide my free flowing frontal, and looking quite dishelved. Ugh...
So...onto another day. An easy, relaxing and unproductive one, I am hoping.
Speaking of over explanation...
My daughters best friends father came to pick her up this morning. I told him that we had gone to the movies last night and went into the differences in production between Warner Bros. and Disney. Comparing the two movies released as late. How I felt they had flip flopped a bit and my perception of it all. He sort of stood there with a blank expression...saying "Oh yeah..?" I pretty much figured...ok I need to stop cause he isn't connecting with my thought and I am looking kind of...I dunno...weird. Deep thought is not for everyone and I sometimes lack the direction in who I can and cannot do that with. Glad that awkward moment ended swiftly. Not to mention, well I guess I am, the fact that he showed up shortly after I crawled out of bed. I was in jamis, hair a mess and no bra. I stood there with my arms crossed, to hide my free flowing frontal, and looking quite dishelved. Ugh...
So...onto another day. An easy, relaxing and unproductive one, I am hoping.
Friday, November 12, 2004
S is for..
Scones.
I went and picked up one with my morning coffee today. Friday's are my days to splurge. Although, I could find a reason for the rest of the days of the week too. However, I have taken a liking to the scones across the way. Cranberry and orange ones. Good Golly Miss Molly! Yum! They are so good. Most people see scones as dry, bready, biscuit type things. These are not...dang me. (that would be a phrase I use to describe something really good. Such as using Hot Damn! But I try not to cuss or use such verbage, so I make it my own. Thus Dang=Damn and Me=Hot, and if you know me then you know I am Hot so it makes total sense ;)Hey! no remarks about being overconfident or just down right conceded. I am not...someone has got to tell me I am Hot even if it is myself.) Dangerously decadent bad news in a bag. So I got one. ;) Of course. But, when analyzing the different versions they produce, I thought I had grabbed my preferred choice. Um No. I ended up with one that had marion berries and white chocolate mixed in. Bleah. First off...chocolate is Not white. Period. End of story. Second..Marion Berries aren't real berries. Ok well maybe they are, but not naturally. They are a freak of nature brought about by man. (those last 2 sentences were completely contradictory weren't they? anyway) I ate the scone. Picking out the pieces of "not chocolate" and icky, seed infested bits of man made berry. I have to say it is all good....it only makes me appreciate the other that much more.
Schedules
I was amazed at how much I accomplished this morning before even considering hitting the showers. How did that happen? Am I lacking my usual procrastinating style? Is the new moon of today inspiring me to do something new? Hummmm... I am going over the list I keep constantly rotating and updating in my head. My mental checklist of "have to's" and "hurry ups". I can mark some off, which is very gratifying yet somewhat frightening too.
And last...but most certainly not least....
Sex
Yes...sex. That is what I said. If you know me...then this is no surprise. (sorry mom) Now, I can keep them (the needs) under control. Well, mostly when I have no choice but to do so. But then when one is given opportunity, the temptation becomes overwhelming. I guess that is the whole point of restraint and self control. Hmmpf. Anyway, if you have been reading then you see I have had some early mornings. With those mornings I tend to read...a lot. My needs are getting to the point, that no matter what subject material I am into, I find a way to incorporate those needs within the words I read. Especially when they contain words such as...Tawdry...Brazen...Sinuous...or anything suggestive...or what I could possibly make suggestive. Ugh... I am still wondering if I am being used. Hmmm sure feels like it. Maybe I should trust my instinct or maybe it is fear. I am not sure...(this whole last part of thought was completely off the wall, but buzzing through my head nevertheless)And so...
I am out of peanut butter.
Still Searching...
...for signs of intelligent life. Or something...
I went and picked up one with my morning coffee today. Friday's are my days to splurge. Although, I could find a reason for the rest of the days of the week too. However, I have taken a liking to the scones across the way. Cranberry and orange ones. Good Golly Miss Molly! Yum! They are so good. Most people see scones as dry, bready, biscuit type things. These are not...dang me. (that would be a phrase I use to describe something really good. Such as using Hot Damn! But I try not to cuss or use such verbage, so I make it my own. Thus Dang=Damn and Me=Hot, and if you know me then you know I am Hot so it makes total sense ;)Hey! no remarks about being overconfident or just down right conceded. I am not...someone has got to tell me I am Hot even if it is myself.) Dangerously decadent bad news in a bag. So I got one. ;) Of course. But, when analyzing the different versions they produce, I thought I had grabbed my preferred choice. Um No. I ended up with one that had marion berries and white chocolate mixed in. Bleah. First off...chocolate is Not white. Period. End of story. Second..Marion Berries aren't real berries. Ok well maybe they are, but not naturally. They are a freak of nature brought about by man. (those last 2 sentences were completely contradictory weren't they? anyway) I ate the scone. Picking out the pieces of "not chocolate" and icky, seed infested bits of man made berry. I have to say it is all good....it only makes me appreciate the other that much more.
Schedules
I was amazed at how much I accomplished this morning before even considering hitting the showers. How did that happen? Am I lacking my usual procrastinating style? Is the new moon of today inspiring me to do something new? Hummmm... I am going over the list I keep constantly rotating and updating in my head. My mental checklist of "have to's" and "hurry ups". I can mark some off, which is very gratifying yet somewhat frightening too.
And last...but most certainly not least....
Sex
Yes...sex. That is what I said. If you know me...then this is no surprise. (sorry mom) Now, I can keep them (the needs) under control. Well, mostly when I have no choice but to do so. But then when one is given opportunity, the temptation becomes overwhelming. I guess that is the whole point of restraint and self control. Hmmpf. Anyway, if you have been reading then you see I have had some early mornings. With those mornings I tend to read...a lot. My needs are getting to the point, that no matter what subject material I am into, I find a way to incorporate those needs within the words I read. Especially when they contain words such as...Tawdry...Brazen...Sinuous...or anything suggestive...or what I could possibly make suggestive. Ugh... I am still wondering if I am being used. Hmmm sure feels like it. Maybe I should trust my instinct or maybe it is fear. I am not sure...(this whole last part of thought was completely off the wall, but buzzing through my head nevertheless)And so...
I am out of peanut butter.
Still Searching...
...for signs of intelligent life. Or something...
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Pot Luck's Pantry
Ya know, I think if I took all the random pieces, made them flow together in some compatible way, I may have a short story. Or a really long short story. Well that doesn't sound right. Hmm maybe a 2-3 chapter book. I like all my "parts" though.
I, actually, had quite a bit more written. But in one of my incredibly self critical moments, deleted some. I know...stupid. I can't claim ignorance. Cause ignorance is not knowing better and when you do it is simply stupidity. Not that stupidity is simple. I think it is actually quite complex. It takes a lot of forethought and figuring out to pull it off just right. And not to say that it is all premeditated. But if you think about it...the fact that stupidity is that which is some action that is taken, regardless of knowledge, then it could be construed as premeditated. Because you already know the right thing and to do the opposite expends way too much energy that would have been better spent doing the right thing, which in turn, would, undoubtedly, use much less energy and then you could go do something fun with the extra. Energy that is. Hmmm. Run ons. I have been up for too many hours. Ya think maybe?
My daughter received a mommy lecture tonight. It was one about attitude and how it musn't progress. She said "I don't mean to interrupt you...but the way you are speaking is really funny." She went on to explain herself "I don't mean to say that your words are funny mom...just the way that you are saying them." *giggle giggle*
Hmmm. Ok. So, I wasn't sure how to respond to this. All I said was that I was serious in what I was talking about and you need to heed my words. I suppose I could have taken the route of anger. Used words that were degrading or made her feel bad. I don't see how that can teach a lesson when she is cowering in shame or hanging a heavy head full of sulks. I choose to talk to her as I would a peer, in a way. Keeping it all age appropriate of course. I am the adult and she is the child. It is my position to teach and explain. And why does this all sound like I am trying to convince myself I am doing the right thing? Oh yes...that's right. I have no clue what I am doing.
Anything else in my head...? Right..
I didn't work out tonight. I dressed the part. Drove to the place. I even looked at the machine that my feet were supposed to touch. But, ya know? The couch looked all too inviting. And the fire burning in the windowed stove, warm and toasty. My butt was planted. Firmly. Oooo just the thought and feeling of it is making me sleepy.
Yes! Sweet sleep...lay across my eyes your silken mask and fill my limbs with sun and downy comfort.
Ok, I really need to stop...the sleep deprived induced goofiness is now set and ready to serve. :P
Sweet dreams...
I, actually, had quite a bit more written. But in one of my incredibly self critical moments, deleted some. I know...stupid. I can't claim ignorance. Cause ignorance is not knowing better and when you do it is simply stupidity. Not that stupidity is simple. I think it is actually quite complex. It takes a lot of forethought and figuring out to pull it off just right. And not to say that it is all premeditated. But if you think about it...the fact that stupidity is that which is some action that is taken, regardless of knowledge, then it could be construed as premeditated. Because you already know the right thing and to do the opposite expends way too much energy that would have been better spent doing the right thing, which in turn, would, undoubtedly, use much less energy and then you could go do something fun with the extra. Energy that is. Hmmm. Run ons. I have been up for too many hours. Ya think maybe?
My daughter received a mommy lecture tonight. It was one about attitude and how it musn't progress. She said "I don't mean to interrupt you...but the way you are speaking is really funny." She went on to explain herself "I don't mean to say that your words are funny mom...just the way that you are saying them." *giggle giggle*
Hmmm. Ok. So, I wasn't sure how to respond to this. All I said was that I was serious in what I was talking about and you need to heed my words. I suppose I could have taken the route of anger. Used words that were degrading or made her feel bad. I don't see how that can teach a lesson when she is cowering in shame or hanging a heavy head full of sulks. I choose to talk to her as I would a peer, in a way. Keeping it all age appropriate of course. I am the adult and she is the child. It is my position to teach and explain. And why does this all sound like I am trying to convince myself I am doing the right thing? Oh yes...that's right. I have no clue what I am doing.
Anything else in my head...? Right..
I didn't work out tonight. I dressed the part. Drove to the place. I even looked at the machine that my feet were supposed to touch. But, ya know? The couch looked all too inviting. And the fire burning in the windowed stove, warm and toasty. My butt was planted. Firmly. Oooo just the thought and feeling of it is making me sleepy.
Yes! Sweet sleep...lay across my eyes your silken mask and fill my limbs with sun and downy comfort.
Ok, I really need to stop...the sleep deprived induced goofiness is now set and ready to serve. :P
Sweet dreams...
...the honey-heavy dew of slumber . . .
It's early again. Another night with early rising and wide open eyeballs. Usually when this happens for me, it means that something is coming. Another change to swiftly take hold with no indication other than, what some would call, insomnia. Go with the flow...and take it as it comes.
So in my reading tonight, I kept hearing this sound next to my desk. At first, I thought it was the cats; fiddling with something that may have fallen. A gentle knocking against the side while they tried to grasp it with their paw. Although, when I looked, there was nothing there and they were curled in various places about the house. Hmmmm. Ok. Maybe it was just the shifting of a cable underneath from my disturbance so early. But then...I heard it again. A few moments passed...and again. I am thinking, well, maybe there is something in my pen cup on my desk. A really huge spider perhaps...no. It was now really getting me interested at what might be making this sound. It was deliberate. Nothing accidental. I searched all around my desk until I heard it again and could pinpoint the location. It was on the kitchen bar, which sits close to my desk. Aha!
The hermit crabs. I have never seen these things move. I feed them, yes. But to see them actually eat...drink...is a non existent sort of thing. They are just a couple of pretty shells that sit in this aquarium. If one were to look upon it, they would most likely think "When are you going to put something in there?". "Ah! But look closely Daniel-san...What is not visible to the eye is visible to the believer!" (ok sorry it is early and my mind is a weird thing)
So anyway...I am now fascinated to see this particular crab function.(It's name is Crabby Patty cause it is the smaller of the two. Yes two. The other is named Mr. Crabs...because...it is bigger. *shrugging* We have two, cause hermit crabs don't like to be alone. Go figure...I don't get it either.) This little crab is trying to scale a sleek piece of plastic. Meaning, it's house. (Yes, hermit crabs like to have house's as well, which, again, makes no sense since they live in a shell. It is all very contradictory, this existence of hermit crabs.) He is trying so hard to get to the top of this structure. Climbing, almost reaching the top and then....back down to begin again. I have no idea what he is going to do when he gets to the roof. Perhaps the sheer satisfaction that he is there will be enough. But then...how to get back down? A complete freefall one can only presume.
I understand it's feeling. Making it to that corner, that edge, and not sure how to maneuver it to make the destination. Poor guy....it has my absolute empathy.
Which ya know, only leads me to yet another thing. The family pet. Most of us have one...or a few. I happen to have 2 cats, 5 fish and the crabs. The crabs weren't my idea...gifted to my daughter the past couple weeks. The cats? Well I think I have mentioned Sophia before. A pretty, petite, kitten-esque calico, that well...sluts around the neighborhood. And then there is Ted. A fluffy black and white male with a perfect 90 degree angle in his tail. Not a "tom" anymore..if you get my idea. Ted weighs about 20 pounds. I haven't weighed him lately, and he hasn't been in for his check-up as yet, but I am guessing it is more than that. The cat is huge and extremely needy. He is always begging for some sort of attention. Either a sweet gesture or hardy rub down his back. The mere look at him incites a purr that rivals a Harley with no muffler.
Ok..so now I have strayed from my intended path of thought...again. I think I will just save it for another time and move on to something constructive within my home.
Adieu
So in my reading tonight, I kept hearing this sound next to my desk. At first, I thought it was the cats; fiddling with something that may have fallen. A gentle knocking against the side while they tried to grasp it with their paw. Although, when I looked, there was nothing there and they were curled in various places about the house. Hmmmm. Ok. Maybe it was just the shifting of a cable underneath from my disturbance so early. But then...I heard it again. A few moments passed...and again. I am thinking, well, maybe there is something in my pen cup on my desk. A really huge spider perhaps...no. It was now really getting me interested at what might be making this sound. It was deliberate. Nothing accidental. I searched all around my desk until I heard it again and could pinpoint the location. It was on the kitchen bar, which sits close to my desk. Aha!
The hermit crabs. I have never seen these things move. I feed them, yes. But to see them actually eat...drink...is a non existent sort of thing. They are just a couple of pretty shells that sit in this aquarium. If one were to look upon it, they would most likely think "When are you going to put something in there?". "Ah! But look closely Daniel-san...What is not visible to the eye is visible to the believer!" (ok sorry it is early and my mind is a weird thing)
So anyway...I am now fascinated to see this particular crab function.(It's name is Crabby Patty cause it is the smaller of the two. Yes two. The other is named Mr. Crabs...because...it is bigger. *shrugging* We have two, cause hermit crabs don't like to be alone. Go figure...I don't get it either.) This little crab is trying to scale a sleek piece of plastic. Meaning, it's house. (Yes, hermit crabs like to have house's as well, which, again, makes no sense since they live in a shell. It is all very contradictory, this existence of hermit crabs.) He is trying so hard to get to the top of this structure. Climbing, almost reaching the top and then....back down to begin again. I have no idea what he is going to do when he gets to the roof. Perhaps the sheer satisfaction that he is there will be enough. But then...how to get back down? A complete freefall one can only presume.
I understand it's feeling. Making it to that corner, that edge, and not sure how to maneuver it to make the destination. Poor guy....it has my absolute empathy.
Which ya know, only leads me to yet another thing. The family pet. Most of us have one...or a few. I happen to have 2 cats, 5 fish and the crabs. The crabs weren't my idea...gifted to my daughter the past couple weeks. The cats? Well I think I have mentioned Sophia before. A pretty, petite, kitten-esque calico, that well...sluts around the neighborhood. And then there is Ted. A fluffy black and white male with a perfect 90 degree angle in his tail. Not a "tom" anymore..if you get my idea. Ted weighs about 20 pounds. I haven't weighed him lately, and he hasn't been in for his check-up as yet, but I am guessing it is more than that. The cat is huge and extremely needy. He is always begging for some sort of attention. Either a sweet gesture or hardy rub down his back. The mere look at him incites a purr that rivals a Harley with no muffler.
Ok..so now I have strayed from my intended path of thought...again. I think I will just save it for another time and move on to something constructive within my home.
Adieu
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Frisky: It isn't just a cat food
Am I the only one that thinks Caramel Apples are the bomb? Dang me...
My days at work this week have been so full. It stresses me out to have so much to do...but ya know I truly do love it. Idle time is no fun. Unless...of course you have someone to share it with and then I would hope we wouldn't be idle ;) Humm I have a date with someone I have been seeing for a bit. A few weeks now I guess...or more. Not sure. Anyway...did I mention he has really nice lips? Yep...
Yeesh...can ya tell I am better? Ok..I will spare you again.
My days at work this week have been so full. It stresses me out to have so much to do...but ya know I truly do love it. Idle time is no fun. Unless...of course you have someone to share it with and then I would hope we wouldn't be idle ;) Humm I have a date with someone I have been seeing for a bit. A few weeks now I guess...or more. Not sure. Anyway...did I mention he has really nice lips? Yep...
Yeesh...can ya tell I am better? Ok..I will spare you again.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
For a minute
I have so much in my head and not a word to describe any of it. My life has taken this sudden shift, change, movement and disappointment. I had no control or say in any of it. I got a job offer today too. Of course, when my boss is needing me the most. And if someone is counting on me...I can't walk away, even if I don't like them very much. So now what? Sacrifice yet again, what would be potentially good for me. All sounds rather piteous doesn't it? Yeah...sorry. My blog is my cry when you have no one to lay in bed and do that with. Ew...I am even making my own eyes roll...I will spare you further, the ball of emotion that is me. And say goodnight.
Earthshakes
Ok so now I have had to say good bye to a friend that I had only known for 2 months, and one that I had known for 2 years. Neither was easier than the other. Both provoked tears and that feeling of loss. What is it, that is happening, that I had to do this 2x in the last 5 days? I even asked my one friend of 2 years if there was something going with him last week. He asked me why I felt something was up with him. I said I don't know...I just get a feeling there is something going on. He wouldn't admit anything to me, said all was ok, but I knew I was right. Sure enough, it all came to fruition today. Ugh...
I wanna go to Hawaii.
I wanna go to Hawaii.
Monday, November 08, 2004
3 rings and a...
I am not sure if I am too hard on people or being to easy and foolish. I guess I will find out. My discernment is failing me. I have been made a fool so many times...I just dont' want to go there again. And yet, I am feeling like it has just happened once more. And now there is a possibility of another. I am not sure what He is doing. Why? and how am I supposed to walk this tightrope?
Bite the bullet, suck it up, deal with it, grin and bare it, get a grip, hold your breath...
...and balance.
Bite the bullet, suck it up, deal with it, grin and bare it, get a grip, hold your breath...
...and balance.
"For there are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion, That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble, Drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, Spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Trenches in the abyss
I sat and typed out this whole post about computers and digital cameras and such...but who really cares. It all sounded so...I dunno...unimportant. I read it over, looked at it, and then deleted it. There is so much I could be pondering, analyzing (although my best friend thinks I have stopped the analyzing thing, ummm nope :P) I have just been able to do all of that with someone else for a time. It was so fulfilling. Except, I won't be able to do that anymore. Which is sad. The loss of friendship isn't because of hurt or anything of that nature, but because of circumstance. Much easier to understand and accept that way. I guess. It is still sorrowful, however. And something that will be missed beyond explanation.
Funny how the briefest of friends can make the largest and most meaningful of impressions. When those that seem so long term...don't even compare. I don't think I had the opportunity to tap into all of his knowledge and insight. But then, maybe I wasn't supposed to. What I did, I hold as treasure in my box of thought. He let me divulge the deepest parts, and understood them, listened and offered his own. I should be so blessed to find another like this...
Funny how the briefest of friends can make the largest and most meaningful of impressions. When those that seem so long term...don't even compare. I don't think I had the opportunity to tap into all of his knowledge and insight. But then, maybe I wasn't supposed to. What I did, I hold as treasure in my box of thought. He let me divulge the deepest parts, and understood them, listened and offered his own. I should be so blessed to find another like this...
Dive deep, O mind, dive deep in the ocean of God's beauty! If you descend to the uttermost depths, there you will find the gem of love.
Bengali Hymn
And the beat goes on...
It has been a full weekend. I am thankful to be able to sit and write out some things this morning. Yesterday was spent at birthday parties and then dinner at a friends house. One party in particular, I had seen some friends that I hadn't seen or talked to for a while. Intentionally so. They were part informed participants in something that took center stage for me this last year. I managed to make it through the event without any reference to said events. I was so thankful. They were actually very nice, although the twinkles in their eyes said much more than their mouths. "How are you doing Michelle?" *wink wink* I am glad they let it pass without bringing up any of the things I choose to forget. The whole thing was nerve racking enough. I even showed up considerably late because of not wanting to feel the stares.
On my way to dinner at my friends, (of course this was an opposite end of all that encompasses central oregon, so much driving) I thought I would stop by and say hello to someone I have been dating the past couple weeks. He has a store here in town, works on Saturdays, and I hadn't been able to speak with him for a couple days. Well, it was interesting. He beraded me for not keeping in touch, said I was too busy for him and then made a really off color remark to my daughter. The mama bear in me pretty much took over and well...I think this possibility is pretty much done. It may have been a moronic slip of the tongue or completely intentional. I don't know for sure...either way, it bothers me and my trust in men is slight to say the least.
Moving on...
I swear, I learn about myself each day. My views have changed so much this last year with all I have dealt with. Even relationships in general. What is so valuable and what isn't and easy to let go of. How it effects me in general. I can walk away knowing that my decision was a right one. It is based on my own needs and that of my child. No more the days of doing whatever I could for them, to make them happy. It is ok for me to get something too. And if it isn't there...then see ya. I know that sounds selfish. But ya know...there is such a thing as healthy selfishness. I am entitled just as much as the next. Anyway...I am just confirming my thoughts...it helps.
So, onto the next day. Some help for my daughter to add some percussion to her song, more parties today, a promise to my sweet baby girl of a movie, and hopefully some much needed cleaning of my home... Enjoy yours!
On my way to dinner at my friends, (of course this was an opposite end of all that encompasses central oregon, so much driving) I thought I would stop by and say hello to someone I have been dating the past couple weeks. He has a store here in town, works on Saturdays, and I hadn't been able to speak with him for a couple days. Well, it was interesting. He beraded me for not keeping in touch, said I was too busy for him and then made a really off color remark to my daughter. The mama bear in me pretty much took over and well...I think this possibility is pretty much done. It may have been a moronic slip of the tongue or completely intentional. I don't know for sure...either way, it bothers me and my trust in men is slight to say the least.
Moving on...
I swear, I learn about myself each day. My views have changed so much this last year with all I have dealt with. Even relationships in general. What is so valuable and what isn't and easy to let go of. How it effects me in general. I can walk away knowing that my decision was a right one. It is based on my own needs and that of my child. No more the days of doing whatever I could for them, to make them happy. It is ok for me to get something too. And if it isn't there...then see ya. I know that sounds selfish. But ya know...there is such a thing as healthy selfishness. I am entitled just as much as the next. Anyway...I am just confirming my thoughts...it helps.
So, onto the next day. Some help for my daughter to add some percussion to her song, more parties today, a promise to my sweet baby girl of a movie, and hopefully some much needed cleaning of my home... Enjoy yours!
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Flowers in bloom
Early mornings. They can be a blessing in disguise. I am still removing the mask.
I haven't been able to explain, and not sure I will accomplish it now, the value I hold in some of my everyday interactions with people. Yesterday, was an example. In driving home with my sister from an activity I try to do every night, we were joking around about stuff. My daughter mentioned that because she wouldn't be at the B&G club the rest of this week, that she wouldn't be able to finish the gift she was preparing for her cousins birthday this weekend. I said "why don't you write a song?" She said..."how do I do that?" I said "well...you have a ton of instruments, why not pull one out and just start playing. Make it up as you go. The keyboard holds the most experience for you so work with that one first." Well, she took my words to heart and wrote a song for her cousin last night. All I can say is...wow. I was surprised at what she pulled out of her little mind and placed on paper. Such sweet words she put as parody to another tune. She wanted to write her own music but changing the words seemed a better way to progress. I can't wait to see her perform it this Sunday.
She has come a long way this last year in her fear of performing in front of a crowd. It started last year with a small peice she did on Bethoven for the spring concert. This year? She has a part in the school play, singing as part of an ensemble group and a solo in the choir performance. She also wants to join the church choir and the wrestling team (<---an odd one huh? But if it teaches her some moves of self defense, I am all for it.)
I haven't been able to explain, and not sure I will accomplish it now, the value I hold in some of my everyday interactions with people. Yesterday, was an example. In driving home with my sister from an activity I try to do every night, we were joking around about stuff. My daughter mentioned that because she wouldn't be at the B&G club the rest of this week, that she wouldn't be able to finish the gift she was preparing for her cousins birthday this weekend. I said "why don't you write a song?" She said..."how do I do that?" I said "well...you have a ton of instruments, why not pull one out and just start playing. Make it up as you go. The keyboard holds the most experience for you so work with that one first." Well, she took my words to heart and wrote a song for her cousin last night. All I can say is...wow. I was surprised at what she pulled out of her little mind and placed on paper. Such sweet words she put as parody to another tune. She wanted to write her own music but changing the words seemed a better way to progress. I can't wait to see her perform it this Sunday.
She has come a long way this last year in her fear of performing in front of a crowd. It started last year with a small peice she did on Bethoven for the spring concert. This year? She has a part in the school play, singing as part of an ensemble group and a solo in the choir performance. She also wants to join the church choir and the wrestling team (<---an odd one huh? But if it teaches her some moves of self defense, I am all for it.)
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Answers
In true fashion, my friend answered my email. He said that without Tuesday's existence as it is, how would we realize the value of the other days. You can't have the good without knowing the bad; the beautiful without the ugly. Not in so many words but you get the idea. So, Tuesday is a day of appreciation. I like that...
Plagiarism?
This was actually part of an email I sent to a friend of mine last night. But I thought it was note worthy for some inexplicable reason. I feel so ... copy-cat-ish. But then, I wrote it, so I guess it is not. Anyway...
___________
Our weekdays are filled with happy notions on particular days to help us muddle through. But there is one...that stands alone.
Monday..is well Monday. A new start, fresh week to be had. Some see it as negative, but really can be looked upon as looking forward to all that can be accomplished in the days ahead.
Wednesday..Hump day. Of course. I could go on about the value I hold within this day. But...well, really can't. And that value has long been set aside for lack of...well someone to celebrate it with. So I will keep in the context of the middle of the week, over the hump, half way there perspective.
Thursday...The day before Friday. A hopeful attitude that one has made it through the week and can now begin to look forward to some well earned time off.
Friday...self explanatory.
But Tuesday? What is that? It is a day that falls within the week that has been forgotten. No catchy phrase...no specific reason to look forward to it. We could say it was the day before Hump Day...but Thursday already has that avenue covered. It would be considered cliche and unoriginal. Poor Tuesday. How lonely it is. I say we come up with something to boost it's ego. Something to make it stand apart from the usual drudgery that has been bestowed upon it. I am at a loss, however. (this particular one is filled with election coverage and results. Exciting to say the least. But what about all the others?) Hummmm....
___________
Our weekdays are filled with happy notions on particular days to help us muddle through. But there is one...that stands alone.
Monday..is well Monday. A new start, fresh week to be had. Some see it as negative, but really can be looked upon as looking forward to all that can be accomplished in the days ahead.
Wednesday..Hump day. Of course. I could go on about the value I hold within this day. But...well, really can't. And that value has long been set aside for lack of...well someone to celebrate it with. So I will keep in the context of the middle of the week, over the hump, half way there perspective.
Thursday...The day before Friday. A hopeful attitude that one has made it through the week and can now begin to look forward to some well earned time off.
Friday...self explanatory.
But Tuesday? What is that? It is a day that falls within the week that has been forgotten. No catchy phrase...no specific reason to look forward to it. We could say it was the day before Hump Day...but Thursday already has that avenue covered. It would be considered cliche and unoriginal. Poor Tuesday. How lonely it is. I say we come up with something to boost it's ego. Something to make it stand apart from the usual drudgery that has been bestowed upon it. I am at a loss, however. (this particular one is filled with election coverage and results. Exciting to say the least. But what about all the others?) Hummmm....
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