Ten 4 good buddy...I gotch yer behind...

What was I thinking with the whole pie thing? I am not sure. It was simply my sleepy, thoughtful mind trying to put some fluidity on those random flickerings. How else to assemble them but refer to pieces of a pie? It is the season for pie, afterall. But they all couldn't be the same pie...could they? I could have left the minced meat out altogether. Icky stuff...it is. Bleah. And no Mom...Mac Truck is NOT too harsh. :P How about a whole herd of 'em? Oh wait...isn't that a Convoy? Go Smokey Go!

Within the pieces lie...

Pecan~
Why do some people come into your life, only to walk away never to be heard from again? They make this incredible impression on who you are as a person, weaving themselves intricately within your being. Then, like the flash in which they came into your knowing, they are gone. Do I cross their mind as often as they do mine? I wonder...or is it that they have just gone on without another thought on it at all? They are in my thoughts, obviously. Wondering if they are ok...happy. But maybe it is just me... Maybe it is because I am looking back on this last year and all that has happened within my sphere. Much too much. I am looking forward to what may be a calmer year. I can hope anyway.

Apple~
I am thankful, however, that I can end this particular year, knowing that certain chapters are definitely over. That we are healthy, have a home and food on the table. Yeah God. Realization of what is truly important, who is worth the effort of friendship and moving away from those that are not. My mom says I am habitually naive. Always trying to see the good in someone, believing that it exists within them. I guess she is right. She understands, she is the same. But I also know what it feels like to discover that some just don't have good. The drawbacks of believing in people.

Minced Meat~
My daughters father didn't contact her at all on Christmas. Still hasn't. The last we heard from him was in October. I feel so sad for her. Although, she hasn't mentioned him once. His absence is nothing new to her. I had hoped that he was trying to make things better between them with the last visit, and even thought that maybe I was a bit too harsh. But, I was wrong again. He is just the same.

Pumpkin~
I look at her now, curled in her pretty new bed. The sweet soft face of her infancy and wonder how anyone can walk away from such creation. How some people just don't' have that kind of connection with their own child. I don't get it...I don't see how that can be and no excuse or reason holds validity to it. I spent a lot of time with her today, talking and sharing. We talked about recent events in the east, the tragedies and loss of those struck by weather. How thankful we are, to be where we are. And how our prayers are needed. She is bright, and so caring.

Cherry (A La Mode)~
I have met many people this last year. Some of which I have been able to have deep and soul searching conversations with. So connected in thought and feeling, that it was a given that it was meant to have some sort of lesson behind it. They told me what they realized their lesson was...but I have yet to understand my own. What it was that I was supposed to walk away from it with. Was I only to receive the delight of having such conversations? Knowing someone that was like myself? I feel there was more and I am not getting it. I have changed a lot from it all. Maybe that is it alone...

Dance with me

Ok...my daughter got the neatest present from her Uncle. Dang me...this thing is pretty cool. It is an "Ignition" dance pad. It hooks up to her Playstation2 and you follow along with the game. It is pretty sturdy too...solid base that I put together and it just connects like a controller to the system. It is a good way to integrate technology with some exercise. It is giving my little white girl some rhythm too. :P
Yes..I admit..I played on it too. I couldn't help it...the music is pretty good techno and watching is just no fun.

Hmmm it must be her bedtime....teehee...

Tech-no-potty

Ok well...I was about to write about the whole feeling women get, when a blast of cold air hits them when they're not expecting it. (No, I am not talking about smuggling raisins) But I figured you didn't want to hear about my bodily functions. I liken it to what men must feel when they hear running water. All I know, is I was running for the bathroom. Such relief. Like that of a sneeze. Yeehaw. And so you have now heard about my bodily functions anyway. I am proud, however, that I didn't mention the word "Pee" once.

(That once doesn't count cause it wasn't actually part of the original matter. Even though it was the subject of the matter. But just because it was the subject doesn't mean it counts when I said I didn't say it. If you count it anyways, then I am proud I didn't mention it twice. Excuse me...I am having a "Chrissy" moment.)

I am missing my daughter something aweful. She has been gone the past couple days to her cousins house. Having a wonderful time, I am sure. But I am ready to see her and smell her and have her "essence" be more of a reality.

I spent my lonesome freedom last night, searching this town for some spec of digital flora. But as I stepped to each counter to view the selection, I felt like an opposing magnet. I think that it is all at a minimum because of the passing holiday and the service people are just about serviced out. Finding someone to help me work through my slew of questions, was challenging alone. I am not an easy sell. I loved the camera I had, it had all the features I wanted and then some. Poor people. There are very few that understand my rationale. I was completely repulsed at one store. I was looking through each and every camera, testing it, playing with it to see how friendly it was to use, but kept getting pushed out of the way by other shoppers. Arg..can't they see that I am trying to make a purchase here? How dare they think they can look too! I am kidding...but it was a bit too close for comfort for my taste. This one lady actually stepped in front me and stood there. I thought...wow...the invisible man has nothing on me. Sheesh. No new camera purchase has been made...yet.

"No." IS an answer...

It is done...well sort of. I still have a few visits with friends to do, which will come later in the week I hope. I have actually taken care of exchanges already...which was a feat and experience all itself. Ugh...I thought people were crabby before Christmas...sheesh. But smile, I did. I found some good deals at the after Christmas sales so how could I not smile? :D I made the trip to Bath and Body Works (One of my absolute favorite stores) and I will be smellin' stink-a-licious for a while. Not to mention, that I picked up the best little Massage set...dang me, I love this stuff! And so will the ginnea of my fingers. Yum...

All in all...Christmas was great! I love my Fam so much. My little sis and her family were missing from the festivities...which made it a bit off...but still fun. On the down side, my new digital camera decided to quit on Christmas day. Nice huh? I tried everything, replaced everything - but still...nothing. Ah well...the place I bought it agreed to take it back and I think I will choose another that may have some features or capabilities that this one does not. Everything for a reason...I will end up with a better camera...watch me. :P

Something to chew?

There is amazing power in prayer. Yes...I said prayer. I have had 3 examples alone this last weekend...nothing I need to mention, simple to most (unless you count the snow we see on the ground) but answered, nonetheless.

There is a place where thou canst touch the eyes
Of blinded men to instant, perfect sight;
There is a place where thou canst say, "Arise"
To dying captives, bound in chains of night;
There is a place where thou canst reach the store
Of hoarded gold and free it for the Lord;
There is a place--upon some distant shore--
Where thou canst send the worker and the Word.
Where is that secret place--dost thou ask, "Where?"
O soul, it is the secret place of prayer!

Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Wishes

With the hustle of these next couple days...I wanted to take a moment to wish my "net" friends the Merriest of Christmas'. I hope you share with friends and family and that good times abound. All the best to you...

Cambiano i suonatori ma la musica è sempre quella.

Ok..so I am a bit confused lately. I went out to dinner last night with "the guy". Yesterday afternoon I was pretty much set (within myself) that it wasn't going to work out. I have this thing about all or nothing. But my best friend reminded me that I don't want that. And she is right, I don't. A happy medium is what I desire. (Ya know? Usually my best friend, when asked for advice, tells me that she can't relate cause she has never been in that situation. But yesterday? She was so clear cut and straight up with me. She put it plain, and I love that!) Anyway, a happy medium is what I can have. I think. I don't know. I think my problem is that I am falling for this guy, and I don't want to end up falling face first into that cement slab I speak of. I start to look for reason why something can't be, so I can move away with minimal damage. And sometimes, the reason isn't valid.

I was talking last night, very late - so late I should say morning, about fears and such with a friend of mine. How they are so difficult to let go of. More so than sadness or grief. They creep in without so much as a sound or warning. You don't even know they are there...until...their moment of opportunity presents, destroying all in its path or within it's grip.

So here I am doing battle. All I know is that when I am close to him, I feel really good. So, I have come to a resolve that I am going to focus on that and not the "What If's". Well, try anyway. Rome wasn't built in a day ya know. My Pisa is still in sway. :P

Hawaii

Welp. So much for a vaca. I spent about 2 hours on the tele with my boss and ended up having to go in anyway. He was panicked. For no good reason of course. He just didn't know how to do something so it was placed on me. And, because I lack boundries, I couldn't leave it to his abilities or at least him trying to discover some.
I am also wondering about this person I am dating. Maybe it is just my fears showing their ugly faces or I am dead on, yet again. So tell me? Do all men use women to just satisfy their needs and keep their eyes out for something better? Seems to be the only conclusion I can come to. All by example.

So, I come home and here is my email...Hmmm makes a person think.

My Daily OM

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors
Setting Boundaries

In a world of so many outside influences, it can be difficult to know where you begin and the world ends. Requests by a boss or spouse seem more like responsibilities and it often feels easier just to give in. You might shrug off the words of a disrespectful person rather than engage in conflict. But what happens when the reactions and actions expected of you are not the path you would take? Setting clear boundaries is one way in which you can take responsibility for your own needs and help establish how those around you treat you.

The key to setting those boundaries is the self-confidence through which you know that you have the right to control your responses to the world around you. For example, limits may be needed when extra commitments present themselves at work, people criticize or are rude, children become demanding, or someone disrespects your personal space. When incidents such as these occur, firmly state your boundary in a neutral tone of voice using as few words as possible without apology. Then enforce your boundary by staying in your power and not giving in to wheedling or arguments. The easiest way to refuse someone is to begin your sentence with the word no. Realize that no is a valid response and that saying yes when you want to say no can only lead to resentment. Fear can make setting boundaries difficult. You may worry that saying no or abiding by your limits will cause hurt feelings, be seen as selfish, or make you unable to care for others. But when you are aware of your own needs! and create appropriate boundaries, you become better able to compassionately handle the emotional needs of others.

Like anything else, setting effective boundaries can require practice. You may feel particularly sensitive at first to how people react when you present a new boundary or say no when something has been asked of you. Start by setting boundaries with people who won't offer resistance and then practice your new skill in more challenging situations. When those in your life respect your limits, the course of your life will truly be yours to steer.

Crowbar anyone?

Right. So you offer to do something for someone and they reprimand you because you have just worked 11 hours and didn't have the chance to get it done. Nice. I just peeled my shoes off my feet to reveal two sets of lovely blisters. Even nicer.

Yes I am whining. And so?

Anyway...my day was good. I got a lot done and actually sort of felt ok about not being at the office the rest of the week. Although, I am sure I will call to check on them a time or two. Or get a call or two from them. My boss even gave me a gift for Christmas...I think it was cause I called him a scrooge... (yes I can be brutally honest sometimes and I think I got the better of him with that one) I didn't mean to hurt his feelings or anything, I was only reiterating what he proclaimed himself. Hmmm maybe I should go to bed and start anew tomorrow...

Got Coffee?

K Monday. The good thing is...is that tomorrow is my Friday. :D Yeah! I have the rest of the week off. I haven't had this much time off since I really don't know when. Even when I took a trip last year, I didn't get this many days.

Michelle = Booty Dance ((_)_))

...Yes I am excited and you are going to suffer through it. I need a break...I need to get away from this place and my, albeit charming in an odd sort of way, kooky and demanding clients. I am sorry I won't be here to answer and deal with their miriad of requests. Well ok...not really sorry. :P But they will be in my thoughts and as my time wears to an end and I find myself having to return, wondering about the dump of a desk and fires that must be extinguished, I will have to face. But..I will save that for, oh...about 10:25 on the night of the 26th. Everything has its place. ;)

I am completely wiped from my weekend. I am not sure what I was thinking yesterday. But I decided to lighten more of the load, as it were. Yes..I cleaned out the dreaded bedroom closet. Duhn duhn duuhnnn. Yikes. What a task it turned out to be. I now have about 4..count them...F O U R...30 gal trash bags full to the rim of stuff to donate. I just did this a couple weeks ago with my daughters room too. So much stuff that just sat and took up space. I am one of those people that cannot stand clutter. Not fanatically so...although my best friend differes with me. I can handle it for a while...till the procrastination gives way, then it all must Go! Besides, it might be useful to someone that can't afford to buy it new. Share the Love I say! And now I can actually see what clothes I have to wear for work.

It is sad really...I was evaluating the colors that possess my closet. Various shades of Smokey grey, Reds, Blues, greens and a couple hues of purple. Maybe a couple oddballs thrown in when I had a wacky mood whilst shopping. I also have about 7 pairs of black pants. Yeesh. 7? I suppose that IS a lucky number, but dang me. I also have like 3 pairs of grey pants. Not to mention various lengths of black and grey skirts. I sort of felt like I was in the middle of that "What not to Wear" show..or whatever it is called. (Bare with me I don't watch TV usually) I was thinking they would most likely throw everything out in that huge trashcan. Which..ya know...if someone gave me 5K to go shopping with, they could do whatever they wanted with my clothes. And for 5k I could find a heck of a lot more clothes than those people usually end up with. $500 for a blazer? I don't think so...take me to the bargain rack baby!

Ok leaving it hanging with a flat cut to the page...but I gotta get workin.

7's

So...my days have been filled as late with the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. I love it though. I actually had to take some help in getting to sleep last night because my body was still on overdrive, exhausted but ready to move on to the next task. Bare with me...I am a bit soggy feeling this AM. When I was walking to my desk, I actually thought and felt my knees sinking to the floor. I thought "UhOh...I'd better get my butt to a chair quick, before I land face first with hot coffee in hand." Such an interesting sight and no one to laugh at my folly.

Folly? Ok anyway...

My home is quiet this morning. Which brings me to lots of thought. Mostly about Christmas and family and those of the past. I read, recently, on a blog I visit, about the sense of belonging. How hard it is to sometimes find when inevitabilities of life sweep through and change up what we think of as stable. (not in so many words but you get my point) I have to say that I am so lucky.

Growing up with my family that raised me, I actually didn't have any sense of belonging. I felt awkward...isolated...and just plain wasn't supposed to be there. The reasons were many and varied. But the result was the same. Don't get me wrong, our Holidays, when I was in the single digits, were filled with festivities and sometimes distant family visits and sharing. There was something missing, however, not just the real meaning of Christmas but it was more. It all seemed so "obligated". (Have I mentioned how much I despise the word Obligation? Or at least the way most use their obligations in life. Obligations can be wonderful if given the right attitude which wouldn't make them "obligations" at all but choices.) Like..."This is what we are supposed to do even though it is a hassle and costs way too much but you kids are little so we will do it anyway to get you off our back." There was always the sense of "we have to" that permeated their skin regardless of how many white washed smiles they painted. And you could definitely see through how much they disliked it all. (one thing I have learned, is that life is all about Choice. We don't "Have" to do anything. but that is another subject I won't delve into now and the consequences/results/paths of those choices we make) And don't get me wrong again, I do love them and value all they gave and did/do for me.

But today...it is so different. There is laughter, warmth, the real desire to share and I have never felt so cared for and loved. This family that has welcomed me, has answered prayers too numerous to mention. (for those of you that don't know me, this is my Birth family)

I still feel a sense of loss, in that, I wasn't raised up with them. So many memories they share that I have no memory of. I wasn't there to be a part. It is all for reason, I know, and I am truly thankful to have been given the blessing. A second chance really, to know what it is like to "belong" somewhere.

My daughter has been raised with this beautiful family. She has shared in every holiday, and family event. She has been given what I so longed for at her age and the years before. I can't explain how thankful I am that she has had this opportunity. And will continue to have for many years. I hope, when she is older, she can understand how precious it all really is. How different it could have been. Part of me thinks she already realizes. Last year, we spent Christmas with my fam in California (adopted family). It was different from what she had always known. This year, she said "Please Mom...can we stay here for Christmas? I love Christmas here..." How could I say no? How could I deny what brings her absolute joy? (when we went down there last year, she was completely indulged with presents and "things". But I think even she realizes that Christmas is more than getting stuff.)

Anyway..I think I have rambled enough...

Linus said it best...

I remember, when I was little, standing outside on Christmas eve, staring up at the sky...just hoping that I would see the star. That same star the Wise men saw on His birth. I just knew once I saw it, that I would have found something or at least have a guide to where I was supposed to go. I had no clue which way was East...or how bright it would really be, sheesh I was just a kid. I figured I would just "know" when I saw it. I wasn't raised in a "religious" home. (Our outings to church were out of obligation, if we went at all. My parents, that I grew up with, were devout Atheists. If you can use devout in the same sentence...) At any rate, I am not sure where my Faith came from. It has always just been there...strong or weak at different points in my life.

Charlie just wanted to know what Christmas was about. That's all. And this, pretty much summed it up.

So the angel said to the shepherds, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord”
Luke 2:10

Can you Hold please?

For your listening enjoyment... (it sure as heck beats those nasty "on hold" music loops, but not even itunes has this one.)

Pure Orange - Save a Prayer

Just ask Grandpa

Yes. Today was incredibly busy. But...Oh...so fun. :P Dang me. I must say I really enjoy some peoples company. Laughter..and stuff. Talks of the Siberian tundra and animal husbandry. (I am cracking myself up here...sorry) Just way too much entertainment for one night. But actually...not enough. I loved it.

Ok so...

I finally got my house decorated completely...for Christmas. It is my favorite time of the year and I have had a bit of a late start with all that has been going on. I didn't do as much as usual but it is festive just the same. I even deep cleaned it and got my laundry all folded! Gasp! Wow huh? Blows me away, that's for sure. Anyway...just in time for a little dinner party tonight. Informal, intimate...which is the way I like it. I am still hyped from the company and need to find a way to get my saggy little butt to bed. Ok...little no...saggy yes. I am still cracking myself up. And no..I haven't been drinking. ;)

"Grandma got run over by a reindeer..."

It keeps me moving

Joss Stone. The woman can sang. My gosh. This cd (link to the left) is one of my new favs. The power that comes out of this womans body is explosive. The mood it creates is one I happen to love. Soulful...deep...real emotion. So maybe I am little late on this one...But I have been spending many a night looking for something "different". There have been a lot of new releases lately, of music, that are good but seem to be lacking that "unusual" thing I look for. I like U2..and their new cd is great. But, still, it is U2 and obviously so. Keane is also very nice. I saw someone post about them, another blog I frequent, and it was their song "Somewhere only we know". I am digging them myself. This blogger has good taste.

So..as you can see I am no music review personality. But if you would like some good reviews on indie and out of the norm music...go to BigBaer.* The guy knows his stuff. And he is cute to boot. ;)

"You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to face it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the bone
See, I'm not made of stone
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone"

Joss Stone - Right to be wrong

Food

Around us, life bursts forth with miracles --- a glass of water, a ray of sunshine, a leaf, a caterpillar, a flower, a laughter, raindrops. If you live in awareness, it is easy to see miracles everywhere. Each human being is a multiplicity of miracles. Eyes that see thousands of colors, shapes, and forms; ears that hear a bee flying or a thunderclap; a brain that ponders a speck of dust as easily as the entire cosmos; a heart that beats in rhythm with the heart-beat of all beings. When we are tired and feel discouraged by life's daily struggles, we may not notice these miracles, but they are always there.
--- Thich Nhat Hanh, The Sun My Heart

Gardening 101

Again...tonight...I read the term "What goes around comes around...eventually". Now my question would be - Does this happen for all things? I mean does it come around for the good too? or is it just for the bad things you may have done? I am banking on the good. Hoping for it, I guess. I have a lot of good in my life..and of course some bad, although it isn't really bad in comparison to some. But there are specific things I would like to see some return on ya know? I don't know if I will get that. If I really even deserve it. I am having those confusing feelings again. I am starting to fall and am having trouble catching myself before I hit the cement. I feel like it is inevitable. The cold hard ground of reality is just waiting for my flesh to burn and sting. Sheesh, that's dramatic. No, I am not "hysterical". It is just my way of getting across the point of I don't want to get hurt...again. There. Ok?

I think I need to move away from this subject...

My sister in California left a message for me tonight. She said "Hey, where are you? Call." That was it. She has such a way of communicating. Of course it left me to wonder what was wrong. My mom down there, has been very sick the past couple years and hasn't been progressing in a positive direction as late. I tried calling her back (my sister), but only got her voice mail as usual. (I call quite often and leave messages with no return from them. After my 8th or 9th attempt I either get them on the phone or they actually call back.) Lately my attitude has been "Why Bother?" But then, I get the attitude from them that I don't try. Seems I can't win. And what good is it for me to argue the point? I could say "Yes I call but you don't return my calls and then when I don't call, you say "I don't call." If you get my point or reason from any of that which I just typed, then understand that this is how it has been my whole life with this family. (They are my adopted family by the way. My family here in Oregon, is my birth family. Just trying to keep the reference straight.) At any rate, it is frustrating. This is where my "I am not good enough" little voice in the back of my mind stems from. Deep roots were nurtured there. And they like to water them frequently and with lots of fertilizer. Don't get me wrong either, I love them. Truly. They have supported me in many ways, and the best I think they new how. I am thankful for them. I want to make sure to get that across too. Not just the ugly. Anyway, I don't think this was such a good topic for me to ramble on about either. My mom is sick. And I am worried that something has gone very wrong. I am just not sure when I will actually hear about it.

G'nite.

This, That or the Other

So, I wake up to the phone this morning. Really early, I might add. My daughters best friends mom was wanting me to babysit for her tonight. Normally I would say of course, but seeing as I myself have a date, I can't. In fact, I am needing a babysitter too. So now she is taking my daughter instead. I am not sure how that happened, considering she is needing someone to watch her daughter. *shrugging* I was still in the land of "I don't know what day it is and is it morning already?" when I was talking to her. Morning hours are not the most coherent times for me. She then started lecturing me on how I don't eat enough and going over how I need to eat many small meals a day etc to keep my health up and achieve my goals. Hmmm I am not sure how we got on that subject either. I have been hearing this a lot from different people. Perhaps I should listen? I also said something about dating him for 2.3 months. Huh? She made fun of me that I kept track of men with mathematical equations. I really dont' know why I said it that way. I think it is just overflow from work.

Our conversation lasted about 30 minutes and I feel like I was just wooshed through a train tunnel. The womans mind travels way too fast for me in the AM. I need time to meditate on what I am going to say before spitting it out and a cup of strong coffee to boot. And most times that isn't enough to form what I would truly like to get across. I think I tried to work it out so we could both get what we needed. Ya know...juggling. But efforts were thwarted. (and if you could only see how many times I have had to go back and correct what I just typed because it is completely nonsensical, you would die laughing at me. I swear it sometimes looks like another language) Anyway...I guess my sitter challenge is taken care of. *still shrugging*

And so...

My daughter just came stumbling out of her bedroom. I swear the girl wakes up like a Rock Star. She has this amazing head of long, wavy, light auburn hair and the hugest Bright blue eyes with lashes to die for. Such a cutie. If only I looked so glamorous in the morns. That would be a huge Not..or should I say Knot cause my hair is a wreck. Someone, that shall remain nameless..likened me to Medusa. Nice...

Ok so I need to run. 3 main events today that must be accomplished and a few I have to forgoe cause there isn't enough hours. Tomorrow is Sunday...right?

Some Cheese with that?

I just got home 45 minutes ago. A long day for sure.

One of my clients, that used to be a sort of "co-worker" of mine, stopped in today. She tried to point me in a certain direction of conversation regarding an ugly piece of history, but I rebelled and flipped the arrow. Ha! I say... I could care less to go there.

Anyway...

I am thinking of taking on a second career. I have been contemplating it for a bit, but I keep coming back to the issue of Time. My current position demands a great deal of it already. There is no give there at all. What pieces I have left, I try to form into some happy picture of a social life. I am just not really sure I could pull it off. If so...it could be something that forms into something larger and possibly full time. That would be awesome. I could make my own schedule and actually have more personal time at the right time...if you get what I mean by that. And with that personal time I could fulfill more goals for myself or even make a date with my "guy-friend" that doesn't require juggling. (teehee that sounds sort of...oh ok nevermind)

So here I am still thinking about it. Do I just go for it and see how it goes? The worst thing is that it wouldn't and I am no worse off. Or...do I just think on it some more and never really know for sure. Sounds pretty clear cut huh? I suppose it should. I just don't like to fail. And I don't commit to something that isn't wholehearted. 110% as it were. I don't know that I could dedicate that to it. I already feel like I am running on empty most days.

Well, I would say that is enough whining for a month or so. Sheesh. There are more important things than my feeble dilemma of idea. I have an amazing life, I would like to add. I just feel at sort of a crossroads, or maybe there are some side roads off the main that could be explored, rather. They may open to a sprawling green, flower filled meadow or dead-end at an old tree stump infested with termites (or parasites...ha! I crack myself up) ((sorry, inside joke)).

Tomorrow is another day... My bed beckons me to yonder cave of comfort.

Marley's Cohorts

My boss is a self proclaimed scrooge. I am only repeating what he has told me, mind you. I am not saying anything of personal opinion, although I would most likely agree. That is what he said. He hates the holidays. He has 3 little children too...and not a Christmas tree in sight. He has told everyone that has asked to get their kids something, not to. He said that too many people use the holidays as an excuse to say they are too busy to do something that needs to be done or all they think about are buying gifts that aren't needed. Sounds to me like he has some unresolved childhood issues. I actually feel sorry for the man.

A client of mine, one that emails me her requests on a weekly basis, ended her email today with a "I hate the holidays!" statement. Ok. I emailed her back with her answers and let her know I would do everything I could to help her. I ended my email with "I Love the holidays!" Welp, that cited a quick response from her wanting to know why they were so great. She said "All people do is spend too much money and end up sorry for doing it. The weather sucks this time of year and people drive so stupid." Ok. For one, I do like the snow. Are there people who don't drive so well in it? Yes. An experience I know all too well. My claim has been filed and am awaiting the insurance adjusters visit. Second, you don't have to spend a ton of money to give a gift of the heart. Maybe that sounds corny and cliche. Take it how you want it. But if you get it...then you are one of the ones that understands. I replied to her with something simple about how you get extra time off from work. I pretty much figured she wouldn't get anything much deeper than that. And that was pretty dang shallow.

I still love this time of year, regardless of those around me that try to sway it.

Checkers

Thursday. This week has been a push. Maybe because of the weather we have had. It is all a bit more difficult to get to where I need to go and setbacks in my speed about town have been a'many. Maybe that will just be my excuse. I dunno. I don't see much relief until Sunday. I think that day will be filled with absolutely nothing. Except my wonderful jami's, a down comforter and a video game or two. I need my days to veg. It isn't so much all the activity I have had going on, but my thoughts as well.

Thoughts of my so sick mom in California. How I would like to do more but can't from a distance and wondering what my siblings think of me not being there. My little brothers' life being so full of turmoil and the effects it has on my parents here. That feeling of wishing you could do something to make it better, help him to see how hard he makes it for himself and the hopes that your parents will be ok with the fact that he doesn't. How heavy it makes their oh so beautiful and giving hearts. It is hard to find the right words to say for each of those things. To truly convey those deep feelings.

Maybe it is the activity of my mind that makes this week seem so long, and not the ones so physical. Anyway...my day is beginning and it is off to the races...again.

Alice Understood

"One pill makes you smaller, one pill makes you larger, the pills mother gives you do nothing at all," observed the Cheshire-Cat.


A lot of people say that they get them. But sometimes I wonder if they know what it really is or that they don't know the name of what it is they are experiencing. There are so many different types and levels. I have read about all of them, looked and taken some of the prescriptions. I prefer the natural way of dealing with them, through diet and herbal remedies. They aren't always available to me though and I am having one today. It's edge has worn off now though and I am beginning to feel the deep pang of being sleep deprived and hungry. I don't have them very often, but when I do and am finally feeling the relief of it passing, I get major cravings. Anything considered high in protein. It is like my body has burned so much energy dealing with this, that it has been completely depleted and needs replenishment now. My friends can usually tell when I am experiencing one. My eyes are bloodshot, squinty, glazed and a sickening color of yellow has taken over my cheeks cause at any moment, I may hurl. Hugging the porcelain God, blowing whatever pain I can extract from my face. Sorry for any graphics...but it's true. I think I am one of the lucky ones, in that, I can function most times in the midst of it. There have been ones, where I had to leave whatever I was doing to find some dark, warm, quiet place in which to recover. Those are few, however, and thankfully so.

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?" Alice in Wonderland

Turtles to Doves

Yes. My daughter was absolutely fantastic tonight. All the kids did an amazing job with the complication that the teacher set before them. 3 part harmony they did and from what I could tell, just about flawless. My neices were in the show too, and were just as awesome and cute. I am sort of sad that this is the last elementary performance my daughter will be doing. She has one more performance this week. Next it will be Middle School. One step closer to it. Ugh. My baby. She looked so grown up tonight and I wasn't the only one that thought so. A beauty she is and I am scared. I took video of it, but when watching a moment ago, I think I went cross eyed. My video skills suck, to put it bluntly. But at least I have the funny memory saved, the sweet smile and sparkly eyes of my girl. I know, I am gushing again. But dang me if she isn't the most beautiful thing ever.

"I'd, gladly, pay you Tuesday..."

How does one upset an apple cart? If a lemon is placed on there does it panic and throw itself over a rock? Perhaps an orange or anything else of a citrus nature? What about a pear or peach? Just as yummy and more desirable, in my opinion. What if the cart should stray from its rutted path? Ruts are bumpy in my experience and a new path may be paved. Hmmmm. Maybe finding a new path for that cart would garner more sales. New people with which to sell those apples for perhaps an even tastier pie. I understand persistance. I understand believing in something so much that nothing can sway you from it. But at what point do you give up the goat and try something new? Or at the very least, a new way with the same cart?

"I really like your peaches wanna shake your tree..." <---singing.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise

K just saw the best commercial. Met Life commercial where the wife buys the husband a new car for Christmas. Ties it all up nice and pretty with a big red bow...husband comes home, zooms in the garage and BAM! Kills the car. :P I love commercials. Too bad my company can't make edgy commercials like that. It gets peoples attention, makes them laugh and remember.

Of course, then you have those ones for perfume...ugh...how lame. Celine Dion swinging on a self suspended trapeze in the middle of the night sky...I am guessing it is supposed to give the feeling of...hmm...well, something I am sure. I just see it and tell myself I am not buying it. Why can't they make them a little more realistic. They use sex to sell just about everything except something that is meant to induce attraction. Like men's cologne? Show a woman...sniffing that cusp of his neck, feeling his warmth, her eyes full of want, her lips letting breath escape and the uttering of "mmmm nice" at the edge of his ear cause she is overcome with desire. Works for me. But I have this thing about scent...

I need to change the subject.

There was this computer tech guy I used to talk to at work and he was so fine...oh wait...that's not good either. Ugh...

Ok.

How about...those Redsox?

Hello Kitty and Britney Spears Unite!

The house has been filled with music today, warmth and yummy smells of cookies. I love that. It has just been me, my daughter and her best friend. Dancing...laughing...playing. These are the days I just treasure. These two little girls are at that edge. That link between girlhood and the long procession to womanhood. They are waiting in the foyer of puberty, eager to start and peeking thru the curtain. So awkward, goofy, silly and sweet. Lindsay asked me today "Why do they call each other Boo?" (In reference to a song by Usher and Alicia Keys - Boo as in term of endearment like honey, baby, sweetie) I explained to her, just that. She said "Ew! I would never call a boy that!" Yeah...well, just wait a couple years Lindsay, if that.

We had a few dance lessons today. Hmmmm. A couple "white girls" they are. :P Reminders of Seinfeld and Elaines dyslexic robot dance, came to mind. I said just close your eyes and feel the music. (Growing up Southern California, house music and dances were a regular part of life since middle school. It was just something you do.)

The girls also had their first performance today for choir. Rachel had her solo, and although she didn't have the projection, from nerves I am sure, she was beautiful. I think I was nervous for her, cause my hands kept shaking when trying to capture some photos. Luckily, she has about 3 more shows in the next week. Maybe I should invest in a tripod...otherwise I am going to have to claim a really bad artistic endeavor.

Anyway. I have another batch of cookies to do.

*insert music notes here*

"You make me happy..da dat da da dah..."

*end music*

Ready, Set...Go!

She scrambles to clean her home. He will be here in a couple hours, but yet it is never enough time to make her life seem organized and presentable. It usually is on the neat side, but life has been hectic, to say the least, the past few weeks. The music is loud and pumping, it helps her focus and get in mind what it is she needs to do. She isn't quite sure how she feels about him...there is a click but the strength in it is unknown as yet. It is all too fresh.

She quickly checks her messages from the day away and sees that he is online. No words for him yet...momentary hiding seems more than appropriate. She would rather speak to him with his eyes in her focus. It has been a while since they were together aside from a lunch break here and there. Too much time and she is needing his company. Company that contains laughter, shared thoughts and "ahem" expressions.

A glance at the clock gets her heart racing at what still needs to be done...

So, she will now get off this computer and get her butt in gear. ;)

The way out...is to go through.

At work...on the phone with tech support. Ugh...I used to actually enjoy calling tech support cause I had a friend that worked there. But now he is gone and I am on hold for an exorbitant amount of time. And ya know how it is going to go? They will get on the phone, once my patience has worn extremely thin, and then tell me that they don't know how to fix the problem. They will then, have someone call me in a couple days. Hmmmfp. I wish I could tell the person I have to call back with an answer to their financial dilemma, why it is they have no access to their money for a few days. Oh...that would be because they (tech support) can't help me. It is their job to help, to have a better understanding of the inner workings of this program and get me on my way, but ya know...they just don't know how. Somehow...I don't think my client is going to be accepting of this. I know I should be more forgiving. Tech's aren't miracle workers. But frankly, if it was something I could figure out on my own, I would.

And time passes....

Right..so once again...this guy that answered the phone could not help me. He was like "I don't know...maybe you could fax it over here and they could analyze it for you in a few days" What? I don't have a few days. My client needs an answer Now...and your system is so screwed up, I can't do my job to give them that answer. Not to mention I have had the complete run around on this issue. From the regional office to my field office to tech support. Ugh...

OK. I fixed my problem. I deleted everything and started over.

C'est la vie...

Drivle

Right. So my client/aquaintance/friend, said I need to write everyday to keep my thoughts in motion. Sort of the concept of "you won't find anything unless you travel down the road, if you sit stagnant then nothing is what you will find." She is a freelance journalist with quite the bit of trophies under her belt. I value her advice and wisdom. But lately...all I seem to write about is my usual daily existance. Boring to say the least. But here I am again...I am doing it as she said.

I am keeping the faith that some sort of creativity will result. My book, I have been doing, is sitting idle. In fact, I haven't even uploaded my old hard drive onto this system yet so I can't even get to it if I did have a decent addition. My daughter is getting my old one (computer), so I really need to think about getting it done. Another thing that I have set on the back burner so that I can enjoy a moment or two this weekend. Maybe three....heehee. ;)

Yup, so that is it.

Today was another beautiful day in Central Oregon, by the way. Man...I love it here.

Revolving Doors

Well...what a day I tell ya! Full of in's and out's, hope and darkness...

It started out lethargic to say the least. This time change is always the hardest for me. The days seem longer even though they are actually shorter. The darkness lasts much longer in the AM and comes way to soon in the evening. It makes it seem like my entire life is spent at my job. I can actually feel the sprinkle of sleep on my eyes as the night wanes on. and then the granules feel like boulders in the morning when my alarm kicks off at 6am.

I got another raise today. Pretty cool actually. My second $2 raise in the last year...yeehaw!! Yeah for me!

Ugh enough patting...I think it was a pity raise :P

Then...Mama bear came out in me when I picked up my daughter after work. This boy has been picking on her in school since it began this fall. I was about to drive to his house and have talk with his parents. But, I thought speaking with his teacher would be best first. I am about tired of hearing the stories of this boy harassing her. Grrrr... If I went over there tonight I most likely would have said something wrong without getting the whole story first. I figured it best to let it pass a day so I am more...rational and not so protective minded.

Ok I have lost the rest of what I was going to say....I think the sandman has taken something...sheesh...

Blisters in the Sun?

Can we, please, just move past the icky stuff I wrote? So I had a momentary blip of primal rage or whatever you want to call it. I wouldn't normally say rage. But I am lacking an appropriate word at the moment. It is gone now...past...over with. For whatever reason I was put into that place yesterday and not sure exactly why. Anyway...the importance of that person is really, not.

I was walking up to my office this morning...and my neighboring office guy came up to me. He said..."I have not had my computer for 3 days!" Ummm ok. "Why?" I asked... He said "On Sunday, the satellite (up in space) I work off of, disappeared." "Disappeared? How does a satellite disappear? It really must be a sign." chuckle chuckle. He didn't appreciate or get my sarcastic humor. I am sure you don't either. You got to know the guy. He is one of those "The entire world revolves around me and what I am doing is the first ever attempted so I deserve the utmost praise" type of person. When really, he isn't doing anything new and he only comes off as a braggart and egotistical jerk. Oh wow...I just realized I know another person like that. :P ha! And the knife goes deeper...Amazing how many of them exist. Anyway...he told of his woe...I offered my condolences to his inconvenience (which obviously made the world stop turning for him) and continued into my office. Don't get me wrong...he has recently done an amazing thing to benefit another person...I do admire that in him.

On another note...apparently my recent nasty thoughts have struck a nerve. Umm...Oops?