Your Choice ;)

"There are only two ways of spreading light -
to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it."

Edith Wharton

Ok. My posts, which are the reflection of my thoughts, have been...umm kinda yucky. I have had my moment of sadness, being withdrawn, and just not liking people much. I feel I have done my time of disappointment. I can be done now.

I spent my night, not speaking to anyone. Not so much hiding, but just getting myself together as it were. I listened to music, found some good stuff, danced...sang...laughed...and didn't care about much of anything. I thought about possibilities to come and the freedom that instills. I thought about how I didn't want to feel anything anymore and I thought about how I would miss out on so much, if I made myself so numb. There is bad and there is hurt but dang me if I don't like the good stuff you get. You can't have one without the other. I thought about just going into hiding again and I thought about the laughter I would miss. That face splitting, leg crossing laughter you only get, when you share it with others. I thought about words said to me the past few days and thought about the truth that rang so loud. I thought about the restrictions I felt and thought about how I don't want those limits. I want freedom. Freedom to feel, freedom to express and freedom to be who I really am. With limits you can't be. With restrictions, your held back. I really don't need someone that pushes me down, pushes me back. I have had enough of those. But someone that lifts me up? Now that is what I am talking about.

Happiness isn't something someone gives you, it is something you give yourself.

I am sure you are expecting a "hallelujah!" out of me, at any moment. No. Just realizing some things and putting the pity parade out of business.

"Better to light one small candle
than to curse the darkness."

Chinese Proverb

Don't ya think?

Mona Lisa Lessons $4.95 an Hour

What a day. It is over...yes? Yeah!

I am not myself lately. It is a myriad of things, just reaching the brim of my pot. A few things have spilled over....tissues to wipe up the mess. Just a little spill right? No big deal...or so I tell myself. Keep sipping away Michelle...it will go back down. Just don't get burned...

I am looking forward to my trip to the coast. It has, of course, to be postponed a bit because of work...but I kind of expected it anyway. It really is just a given where that is concerned. My life or personal needs could give a rip to the boss. He comes first...don't ya know? I understand more this time however (he has a lot on his plate), so the nice agreeable employee attitude ensues... Smile pretty...and just fake it.

Burying myself in my work is not a new thing for me. I have been doing it for the past few weeks anyway...since the year began. Too much in my mind to think about and decide. It is a nice escape and a really great wall to put up to keep out the undesirables. Sometimes, they crawl over anyway and you have to deal with it. I dealt with mine. Let's just say...the bridge is smoldering in the distance. Much easier that way and serves as protection for me. I wrote a letter to once again try to get my point across. And although I didn't expect any response...I am still disappointed that there wasn't one. I guess the pony express can't make it across the bridge either now...

I watched the movie "Something's Got To Give" this weekend... And while I can appreciate how she felt, been there done that, the ending really torked me off. Most movies do this to me cause they aren't as realistic as the rest of the movie would seem. Stuff doesn't end happy. It doesn't always work out for the good and the right. I can bet everything I have, that this last guy I was with, isn't going to come back to me and Hope that I still feel the same because he has had an epiphany of his stupidness. It just doesn't work that way.

The nemesis strikes

Timing
1 : selection or the ability to select for maximum effect of the precise moment for beginning or doing something (haven't got my timing down)
2 : observation and recording (as by a stopwatch) of the elapsed time of an act, action, or process

Looks pretty simple huh?

"What goes around comes around" is something I have always believed in...especially for those that have done me wrong. Unfortunately, I fail to realize that it applies to me too. And so, someone that I have put off is now with someone else, and I am the one to be put off. It is only fair. And understood, although it doesn't feel all that great. Especially with all that has been going one within my world.

There are only so many times you can beat that proverbial "horse", as someone once said :P, till you finally get it. Till you are tired of trying and just wish it would all stop. No more men....mo more dates...no more trying. Just leave me alone. It keeps getting thrown in my face how wrong it is for me to be with someone so I should just get it already right?? Right.

I would prefer to be a cat or some such animal that really doesn't give a hoot about the opposite sex unless some interesting whiff happens upon their nose. A couple sniffs and they are done...happily on their way to find there place in the sun and proceed to lick their butts. How content can one be if they are ok licking their own a**? I ask you? Must be something to that. Being the Human that I am, I have no desire to do so, so I guess I will never know. But I envy their non-chalant perception of this world.

Lurkers..

Ok editing this last post...Well in just a moment. Some comfy jami's and ice cream are calling my name...

Ok..much better. I had a feeling I would be up pretty late tonight. Considering I have slept 15 1/2 hours in the last 24. I usually average 5 to 6 hours of sleep a night. Apparently, I was needing it. I did make it out of my house today. I took my baby to the store to spend the money she has been saving. And of course....a quick stop in the electronics dept. :D That was for me... But that was about all I could muster. I know I wasn't looking so good in the store. Some old holy jeans, a sweat shirt and slide on tennis shoes. I felt stared at for some reason, people kept looking at me. Seriously...this isn't paranoia speaking. Anyway, the rest of my sporadic moments of consciousness were spent picking through some Chinese food, guzzling giant glasses of water and writing. Not just writing my thoughts out on here...I spend my time in other areas too. Poetry...songs...and this book that isn't going anywhere. I get tied, in where I want it to go, so I end up on here to clear out my thoughts in the hopes of making room within the clutter. It hasn't been working today. The making room part... maybe it's the cold meds...or maybe I have no creativity left.

Right now, all that crosses my mind is that Tall, Dark Haired guy that graces my dreams now and then. Course, I still don't know what his face looks like...
Anyway...he could tuck me in my bed, stroke my hair, profess his undying love for me and promise to 'rock my world' just as soon as I was feeling better.

Mmmm yup that would be nice.

This one is now Shemp

Right, so I got my answer. I guess. No friends. I can't say that I am happy about it. In fact it makes me rather sad and gives me that feeling of loss I so hate. But I will deal with it, again. It would seem we want the same things, but yet completely different. I just can't have a relationship with someone that is constantly looking for that better thing. If he can't see me as being good enough and be happy with being with me...then I am not going to wait around for him to tell me so.

He complains that I don't have enough "guy" friends to hang around with. But yet most of my friends are guys. He says that I need to hang with them more. Ok. But in what context? They are my friends...we talk...we laugh and converse about what is going on and about in our lives. Do I sleep with them? No. They are just friends. I have never slept with them because they are Just Friends. There is a difference. That doesn't come into play and I don't have my mindset as such, that I would bring on the opportunity to sleep with them or do things with them that would lead them on to think it was a possibility. i.e. going on dates or inviting them into my home to "hang" out. They are "just" friends. I tend to have respect for the guy I am with, in a more than friends way, and it is in me to be true to what feelings might come up with him. Most people would see that as faithfulness. Usually a plus in the relationship department. I wouldn't give him reason to believe that I wouldn't be there for him or didn't have my heart true to what possibilities lie there. But yet...the fact that I only sleep with him, is too much pressure for him to handle. But...then he says that people should only sleep with one at a time. I am confused. Completely. I don't sleep with just anyone. He says I have issues where sex is concerned. Umm how so? Because sex means more to me than just an act? I don't see sex as just something to do. I don't give myself to someone, anyone, just because I am bored or they are attractive. I only go there with someone I am willing to develop more with. And I am not going to be with someone that is sleeping around with other people either. Thanks...but I haven't made 36 years without a VD for nothing. (No I don't care to elaborate on why this is so)

It is down to brass tacks for me. Either he has feelings for me that go beyond the boundaries of friendship...or he doesn't. He still couldn't give me that answer. He is so sure that I think he is my end all be all of manhood. Umm no, tone down the ego buddy. I made no promises and cannot make any promises of how long I would want to be with him, how long it would last. I really don't know and don't presume to think that I would spend the rest of my life with him. How can anyone know that. But I am the sort of person that is going to give 100% in the situation I am in, while I am there.

Frankly...I think he is developing feelings for me and he is too scared to go with it. Fears can be quite controlling. Or, he is just a Junk-Yard Dog.

So...fine. No friendship...no communication. Just stay away from me then. Let me deal with the fact that I let myself fall for someone, again, that has no clue about what it means to respect the one your with.

One hand over the other

"Rachel? Do you know where the thermometer is?"

"Umm yeah mom...your looking right at it." and so she giggles.

"Oh." Not really realizing that i had actually been staring at it the whole time.

100.9

Ew..for me...that is a fever since my temp is normally low. I don't get sick very often, I can usually fight it off or deny my way through it. Strong willed, is an understatement.

No wonder I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I feel yucky. Cruddy...my daughters cold from this last week has put it's grimy little hands all over me. I thought my euphoria this morning, when I got the 8am wake up call from my best friend...grrr., was because of the night-time pain meds I took last night. I am not good with any sort of medicine, my reaction to them is 10 fold the norm. I can take 3 ibuprofen and call it a prescription. Anyway...this post should be interesting. I stayed in bed till 11am, have been up 3 hours and am feeling like I could fall over at any moment.

I think I have pushed myself too far this past couple weeks. Not that anything I deal with is of utmost importance or trying, to say the least. Much more exists in this world than my petty little issues. Work has just been tough and I have been trying to give my all regardless of my own needs and the people in my life, as you may have read, are difficult too. The week before last, I had one of those little boogers that hurt like a....well to be nice...like hell. I actually had to pull over and stop the car, remind myself to breathe, and offer explanation to my daughter that didn't know what was wrong with her mom. I knew it was going to be bad this time. The days leading up to it where strained. Nausea, dizziness, pain...and just a general feeling of not being quite right. I took my vitamins, drank my water and hoped for the best. I have gotten to the point where it is more of an annoyance than anything of substance to live my life by. It just is. Yet another lesson in acceptance. And the fact that I have a daughter is a miracle unto itself, so the Dr. confirms. Gratefulness, is not a new emotion for me.

And speaking of grateful, I am glad she is content playing on her own, while mom lays in bed motionless, drifting in and out of sleep.

'Round N 'Round we go...

Arrg.

I know my words sound harsh. But i guess it all depends on the attitude in which you read them. My tone isn't angry. It is more of an appeal. My eyes pleading to please give me some sense of understanding or at least a pair of flipping scissors to cut the string he has me dangling by...


Can't I just have something decisive? Solid? Permanent? I don't want "just" friendship. My feelings have already gone past that to I don't know where, and it wasn't my own doing...he helped me get there. So going back is not an option. Either it is "there" or it is nothing, at all. Not even the nicey friendship of "hi how d'ya do." Why should I put myself through that, it is like hurting my own self when here, I feel certain feelings for someone and yet they have no clue what theirs are. I am supposed to wait it out while they decide their feelings for someone else first? I believe she took off first or whatever, in any case she was gone and then here I was, actually letting myself feel again for someone I thought was pretty great in comparison to all those others I went out with and now that she is back, most likely doing the same thing she did before (I believe his words were...she came across as one type of person but then I found out she was not what I was led to believe - and what makes him think it is different now? is she not just doing the same thing to get him back?), I am set aside? Ummm no. And yes, I want an answer. No "I May Not agree to those terms." That is not an answer. I deserve better than that and if he isn't going to give me the importance I deserve then I don't want him. I will not be lumped in with all the other girls he has run from. I am different...better than that. If he can't see it or recognize it then move along little buddy...just say you don't want it and I am so gone without another word about it. If that is the case, then...Don't talk to me...don't message me...don't forward me stuff that makes me think of you. I will be trying to get you out my mind and move on. I would rather not have you in my heart and mind, if you can't reciprocate my feelings. It really is very easy. Straightforward. That is all I am asking. Say you don't feel the same, nothing more than a friendship and I am gone, with my friendship in hand.

Does that make sense to anyone but me? Why has it been so difficult to get my viewpoint across? Simply put...I don't want a major relationship (ie marriage bound) but I don't want something cold and unfeeling either. And I certainly don't want that happy medium while it is had with a couple others too. If you get my drift.

I just want something fun...happy...giving...with mutual respect and understanding. Is it really so much to ask for? Is it really such a commitment to say you feel something for someone? He needs to get out the stereotypes that exist within his mind and just see me and what I am saying.

I am getting dizzy...

Dead Ends

Henry Kissinger once said, 'If you don't know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere.'

Please...would someone give me a freaking map?

Self Centered

For whatever we lose (like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea

E. E. Cummings

I am going to the coast. I kept asking myself today, what do I want? I want the ocean. I want the cool breeze, the rolling and moaning of the waters, and the smooth wetness of the sands between my toes. I want to walk for miles without a destination, explore each tide pool or rock for lost sea creatures, and seek the tiniest treasures below the surface of salt. This is what I want. It has been too long since I have gone and truly enjoyed it. I searched today for the place to stay. I got it...it's mine and all for me.

Alone I walked on the ocean strand,
A pearly shell was in my hand;
I stooped, and wrote upon the sand
My name, the year, the day.
As onward from the sport I passed,
One lingering look behind I cast,
A wave came rolling high and fast,
And washed my lines away.

Hannah Flagg Gould
A Name in the Sand

No dew on this rose

"You can experience a deeper connection with someone by merely sharing without fear."

Hmmm. I guess so. I have yet to experience that, fully. On a "relationship" level anyway. I knew a guy that I had this amazing connection with. In all aspects that you can. Spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical. The drawback? He was married. Figures huh? Maybe there was no fear in that friendship because he was married. No what if's or wonders...just nice safe relating. No we didn't do anything with the physical attraction part, but it was there just the same. I have had an experience with another married man before. Many, many years ago and not something I am proud of. I learned my lesson then, and don't plan on ever repeating.

Confessions? I dunno.

I am sitting here, wet head, not quite ready for work. I am going in late today. My daughter is sick and I let her sleep in a little bit so she would have a little more energy to make it through her day. The mommy in me, Always comes first. I could give a rip what work has to say about it or the grief they may give.

I am in a weird frame of mind the past couple days. A bit bitter maybe, or just fed up. Fed up I think...and just damn tired of dealing the difficulties people give. It really is easy, wish everyone could Get that. Ugh.

Funny face

Ya know...I started this new account on another site and my log in name is Hypocrite. Hummm. Just the fact that I picked hypocrite...has some meaning to it, however. Makes one think.

Anyway...the whole relationship thing is way too complicated. I, frankly, am tired of arguing my point only to have it twisted into something it isn't. Perhaps, I am not getting my thought across in the correct way. I do much better with communication when I can write out my thoughts versus actually having to explain them with voice. I lose track and get distracted with emotions and then the whole thing I was going with, turns into something else or just a different direction. Ugh. I am frustrated. Well, I was. Now...I am fine. :P

Ya know...sometimes I feel like a guy. And then there are times when I am so much a female, it is scary. To my own self even. (I am speaking emotionally...not physically. Just thought I would clear that up for ya.) Sometimes, I have to wonder if I am upset with someone because of their behavior or if it is with myself, because I know the things I want aren't right. (this is where the hypocrite part comes in) I really just don't know. (No..I am not plagiarising. *inside joke*)

With my past relationships gone sour, I have learned to stand back from what I am feeling, most times, and look at why I am feeling or perceiving a certain situation in the way that I am. What is it that I want? Do I feel the way I do because of what I am/not getting from this other person, or is it because I am fearful of past circumstances repeating themselves? Fearful of feeling too much? Or fearful that I have to give up something that I value? My friend told me that I am not "ready" for a full blown relationship. I agree with that. I am not. I don't want nothing, but I don't want it all. I feel like it should be so simple but yet it turns out sooo complicated. Then, (I know..another "then") I have to wonder if the complication I feel, is because it doesn't work with my morals and beliefs. What to do? I just don't know and end up confused.

Tonight...I gave up. I said fug it, this is what I want right now, this moment. I don't want to think about tomorrow...yesterday or next year. Just, right now. I like that. It works for me when in that frame of mind. Regret? Nope. Because it was my decision. (the last 9 statements are the guy part) I can't complain about something that I made a conscious decision to do.

Sweet November..I wish.

Dating. Ugh. What can you say. I was thinking about this last year and since my divorce. All the different personalities and men I went out with. Pretty much one timers...thankfully. Some, a couple...others more.

Let's see...there was Matt. But he doesn't count, so I won't go on about him. This one hurt me bad and would rather not remember.

Dennis -
What can I say about Dennis. He wanted a relationship really really bad. I don't think it even mattered who it was. Just so that he had someone. The guy wrote me poetry from the get go, talked about moving in together, and how he so wanted children. Sweet Lord, talk about pressure. He would call at 4am because he couldn't sleep. Umm well, I was sleeping just fine! When I told him I didn't feel the same, he took off that night for Sacramento, met a girl and moved in with her. Just like that. Gee, glad he didn't have a hard time getting over me. Sheesh.

Ron -
Ron...really liked Ron. Our dates consisted of Ron..talking about Ron. And what Ron liked, didn't like etc and what Ron wanted to do with Ron's life. Ron was...Ron. Yeah, for Ron. Ron, complained, a lot, about his last girlfriend and how she didn't have time for him. But yet, Ron would go on and on about how he was so busy and didn't have time for much of anything...except Ron. Ron, was also 32 and still living with his parents. Bye Ron.

Steve -
(Not to be confused with Steve the Stalker from 2003. That guy was 4 cents short of a nickel.) Although this Steve...was just as bad. He would come off as really sweet and understanding, and then turn into this freaky angry individual if I disagreed with his political stance or mentioned the word religion. Yikes! I would get bouquets of flowers and such at work...emails cause he was thinking of me etc. Then, when we went out, we would get into the inevitable discussions that I seem to create (:P) and it would get heated fast. I told him that our perspectives and core beliefs were just too different and that it wouldn't work out. So instead of flowers, I received nasty phone calls cussing me out at work. Nice huh? Talk about emotionally unstable.

Brent -
Hmmm. Brent was confused about what he wanted I think. Nice guy and all. Very respectable and such. Gentleman even. He was sort of funny, in a really corny way. Typical knee-slapper. But he was kind of in that in-between. He just got back from driving around the country, starting a new job and didn't have a permanent place to live yet. (staying at a friends house that was up for sale) I kind of put him off a couple times...and I think that pretty much put the damper on it. Too much effort..ya know?

Ike -
I liked Ike. Ike liked me. But, Ike also had my whole future planned out for me. I was going to move up to the Gorge, where he wanted to start his photography and production business. I was going to help him, don't ya know. Ike liked music though. That is huge for me. I loved that he could appreciate all the different genres and such out there. He made me some compilations and a couple DVD's of his photography. Our philosophies were similar. And though our minds connected, there was something missing. I think i had too many issues still...and it felt too close, too fast. (we're talking 2 months time here) I couldn't go there with him yet and he felt I was too difficult. Understood.

Brian -
Brian and I are still friends. He is a cool guy. But he wanted the "friends with benefits" thing. He said to me "I know what I would love to do to you, but I know how you feel about it, so I won't." I have to say I respected that he respected me. He has yet to find someone willing to do that with him, however. Good luck... :P Dang me if he isn't Hot too. Yeesh. He is happy alone. I can relate and so we talk.

Gregg -
I have known Gregg for over a year now. We talk all the time. We have yet to go on a date, however. Yes...he is the one I always back out with. He did come over one day last week, but it was him standing in my driveway and just talking. I wouldn't let him in my house. :P He always makes me laugh. He is a guy's guy if you know what I mean. Big football fan and just about any sport I think... Nice guy though.

CJ -
Yeah well, my recent posts would describe this one. I thought this one could last a while. He was funny and entertaining. But the other "stuff" I can do without. That's about all I have to say on the subject.


And who says I haven't tried? Good golly...

She's Mighty Mighty...

9:40pm

"Mama..I can't sleep." The little puffy lipped, heavy lidded girl says.

"Here baby...let's see what we can do." I walk her back to her room...look up at her shelf and grab the purple CD..."Rachel's Mix". Pop it in the player, tuck her in, free flow my kisses and off to her dreams, she goes. Bubble gum pop, smooth soul and jumpin' jazz sift through the cracks of her door.

Nana Mouskouri...Elvis Presley...Frank Sinatra...Neil Diamond. These were sounds that filled my early childhood. A bit varied, wouldn't you say? Although, I appreciate their styles, I found myself looking to see what else was out there. I remember bringing home the single of Brick House (Commodores). Playing it loud and dancing my butt off. My investigations led me to seventies rock/disco...eighties new wave/ska/trance...nineties hip hop/alternative. I loved it all. All music has something to offer, I know..I always say that. My friends consisted of the guy in High school with the rainbow mo-hawk (Sean, he now owns his own internet company in San Fransisco), and the top honor student (Diane - married with many babies). I blended with many different groups...cause they all listened to what interested me, which was pretty much anything. I found it interesting too...how the music they listened to, fit their beats, as it were. You can look at someone and see what music suits their...soul or personality...I guess. Yeah...yeah...I am weird. Frankly, I hope I don't come off so limited.

Tom Grant and his band is in town again next month. I got my "Cordial Invitation" from The Cascade Festival of Music. Course...wouldn't you know it is a Valentine's thingy ma'jig. Ugh. How weird would it look to take my 10 year old daughter with me? Yeah...ok nevermind. :p

Pass the Ketchup....on by...

Ya know...I ate 2 slices of Lemon bread today, about 5 cups of coffee, and then some birthday cake and ice cream at a birthday party tonight.

Nutritional value of my day = 0 ? Ya think. I don't.

Edification doesn't only come in the form of food. I had lots and lots today. The pyramid has nothing on me.


The Veggies
(makes ya strong)
I heard the words today of..."Every experience has more than one perspective." (well not in so many words, but the same point.) Just because what I experienced isn't the same as the other persons...doesn't mean it is wrong or fabricated. It is what I experienced and came away with. Just as they have their own experience. And so it is...thanks Mom.

Meat
(MmmHmmmm)
I heard the description of "Junk-yard Dog". (got quite the giggle from that) But oh so true. And what can you do? Not much. Their nature is just that. There is no changing, explaining or reasoning. They see no wrong in their existence or actions. It just is. Just as I am ... who I am. I can improve myself, and try to, but it is a matter of choice. Junk yard Dogs...well...like junk. And he is more than welcome to pursue the "junk" he is currently after. Can ya tell I like the whole Junk-yard dog terminology?

Fruit
(Tomatoes are a fruit too. No sweetness here. Have I mentioned that I can't stand tomatoes?)
I was told today too...by him...that I was belittling him. Aw. Sorry? No. He did the same to me. Not with words...but by setting me aside to see how he could work out the old girlfriend. Is that not belittling to me? Of course...he doesn't think so. It is ok. I am fine, better off. And it all really makes me laugh at this point, at how contradictory he is. It is so obvious and yet complete oblivion comes over him. He mentions "why have a relationship with someone that you have to force or work on?" Yes...and so why are you working out the relationship with this other girl? Hmmm? Right...that is what I thought.

Bread and Dairy
(I am combining the two...because the bread sustains us and the milk...provides the smooth and silky listen)
This music that I was turned on to tonight, has given me such...hmmm...understanding. I once explained to an old friend of mine, my weird philosophy about how life is like music. How the same notes played by different instruments can sound hauntingly familiar or fresh and new, resonance, tempo and how a symphony can be heard, if you only listen.

My posts have been nasty. My anger comes out in my words and they aren't very nice. It works for me. At least I won't be in the hospital cause the stress, I kept bottled up, deteriorated my health. Lord knows there is many other things to do that. I got one off the list, eh? Anyway, it is done. Or rather...I am done.

Back to the CD...I am digging it. Yum. The tastiest thing I have heard, in a while. It is like a kid in a candy store feeling...or finding that really cool "thing" that just makes your day...or maybe even when you finally get to the front seat of the rollercoaster you've been waiting to ride...excitement and grins abound. You can't help but be happy...

'Chelle sees sea shells...

Well..it would seem that sleep is going to evade me tonight. Too much anger going on in my head without resolution. Such is the way with men like that. Self serving, condescending explanations don't help. Truth is truth no matter how justifiable one makes it come across within their own mind. If that is what makes him feel so righteous in his actions....then so be it. What goes around comes around...I'll just sit on the bench with my popcorn and watch, if you don't mind. It should prove more entertaining than riding that particular horse anyway. It never did anything for me, nothing at all. I really tried to think of something too. But...nothing. It pretty much consisted of taking care of him, feeding...mostly. Too much work. And way too expensive. My money is best spent elsewhere. (the "I don't have any cash on me" line gets a little old. Yes, he was one of "those" types. I really am a bit surprised he isn't a couch floater. Hummm) Time for a new pet. Speaking of big dirty animals...have I mentioned that my house just isn't big enough for a dog? :p Ha! sorry...had to throw that last jab in...

Right...so enough of that situation..lets move on to something more worth the ticking of this clock...

Matters more important...is that of life. Meaning, my boss is having some serious things happening within his world. With all my difficulties and differences of opinion and morals I have with him...I can't help but worry for him still. Sound stupid? Naive? Maybe. But he and his wife are facing some life altering challenges. The cancer I spoke of before. I can't help but hope the best for them in what they are going through. I worry for their children, how their family is dealing with the emotions inevitably brought into the household, the fears and the doubts. I am hoping they can build something strong with hope and nurturing, support and love. Blessings lie within the darkest of homes and hearts and experiences. Something good always prevails even when it doesn't seem so at the time. (heed, Michelle, Heed)

I think about my daughter if I was faced with such a thing. Complete sadness would overcome me I think. Just the thought of not seeing her drive for the first time...or get married or have a child of her own makes my heart hurt. I can't imagine not being there for her through every moment of her life that I can, that she allows me to be. My boss and his wife have 3 children. I measure the amount of pain I would feel times 3? and it would be unbearable. His wife is experiencing some major grief right now. I have seen it...heard it and wished I could find some word to make it be ok. My heart just really cries for her. The only thing I feel I can do is take care of the office for him so he can give all he has for his family. I will do my best.

My Aunt Anne (pronounced Anna) died of cancer when I was in my teens. She came and stayed with us for a time and I helped to care for her. She was an amazing woman to me. (one of my daughters names, is after her) Growing up, she always had this awesome smile, it gleemed warmth, acceptance and genuine kindness. I felt honest caring from this woman. Something that was very evasive in my youth. The summers I would spend with her, were the best I can remember. She had a beautiful house on hillside above Redondo Beach in California. I just loved it there, with her. We would talk and share, and it just felt like she got me. Even when I would clam up and have a hard time getting my words out about how I really felt.
By the time her disease progressed and she came to be with us, she seemed a shell of who she used to be when you would look at her. It was hard to see and accept. But her smile was still there. I would bring her dinner...and smile, she would. Sit by her side...and smile, she would. No matter how beaten and weak she felt...smile...she would. It taught me something about people and the differences they hold. How some are so worth every moment of your time with them. And how some, just don't get that value at all.

I am running out of words...and the way in which to express what she really gave to me. I am not sure they is a way to describe or really explain that kind of...kindness I guess. Better to experience, anyway.

Crudeness Abounds

Reading back on this post sounds a bit ... umm ... nasty? :P But I am pretty pissed and words are my fists. I don't strike out physically or take revenge or anything like that. I am just not that way. But all be damned if I am not going to have something to say about it...and someone...will listen. I feel like such an ass for, yet again, letting someone, a man specifically, get the better of me.



Ode to C.J.


It never ceases to amaze me the ignorance of the opposite sex. Yes…I am pissed off at this point and words are gonna be a many. Here I took steps to do the right thing only to find out that it was what was hoped all along. Easy out huh Ceej? Well there ya go…handed to you on a silver platter. Prayers answered you hypocritical Christian. You have no clue. Surprising the Book doesn’t burn your hand each time you reach for it. How is it that you reconcile how you live? Let’s see…"I want to have the goodies that women provide but no no no I can’t marry them and be their “everything” because well…I just can’t handle that kind of commitment." But yet you go running back to the girl that fucked you over and you say…"oh I misunderstood you hun." I Never expected anything from you except honest feelings. I was clear about not wanting marriage, but then you bring up the fact that your aren’t someone I could feel serious about while holding me, lying in My bed and I am supposed to just lay there and giggle. “Sure ok CJ you can use me all you want and then go running off when your sick of it…no problem…heehee” Screw that. I wanted someone to be in love with yes…I will admit that. You telling me that…that alone is too much of everything is ridiculous when here you are working out a relationship with someone for Love but yet it isn’t the same thing? It makes no sense and you know it. You talk about not wanting complexity and yet that is exactly what you create? It makes no sense. And Yeah! for me that I am now rid of your drama. Thank God my prayers were answered huh? I asked for truth to be revealed and lo and behold there ya go. God is faithful I must say. And if you couldn’t feel those kind of feelings for me then that is what you should have said. Backing off without word that you wanted to do so, is not consideration. Its blowing me off….plain and simple.

Do you even realize that the Word is a commitment, to read it, live by it and respect the words written within. But no…you are just another one of those that twist what lies within to Your benefit. You telling me that you were taking into consideration My feelings this last two weeks is completely wrong and you know it. You started stepping aside when you began talking with your ex. Cause Hey…she might take you back and the fact that you were sleeping with this other girl (me) really doesn’t mean shit cause I love my ex still. You had no business getting together with me when you had feelings for her still going on. I already had the realization of that with one look at your bedroom. Her pictures…her gifts…all over the place. No wonder you wouldn’t turn on the lights that night. And don’t tell me about going Slow…hello? I don’t remember you trying to be slow on our first date. If I remember right I was the one that said No I am not doing that? But you must have forgotten that too, along with the explanation of the lies you told only last week. You forgot, right? I should have realized I had no respect in your eyes then. Honesty is not telling me about how you are talking with her…honesty is telling me that you don’t want to be with me anymore. Not asking me…when we are going to get together again. Of course, you didn’t mention the fact that you were sleeping with someone else to her, did you? Not a word of it, I am sure. It didn’t matter and wasn’t a consideration to begin with. You made that very clear and foolish me to think that you might be different. You are just another one of the assholes that have graced my life. Why the hell did you contact me to begin with?? Think maybe I was an easy mark? Apparently I was, cause I fell for your crap hook, line and sinker. You two are perfect for one another I am realizing. Both of you seem to be the type of people that have no value for respect and truth. And I should have known that anyone Megan would be interested in…is not worth my time. Ew.

I feel so much better now :P

Rooms really do spin

Ya know...there is a reason I don't drink. I am realizing it today. Sheesh. I went out last night and decided..Aw...why not enjoy a nice glass of wine? I deserve it right? It has been a hard couple weeks, my mind has been turning in all sorts of directions and it would be nice to mellow a bit. Well, then as I got home..decided to have a couple more. A friend of mine stopped by and I had another. Ugh. My head hurts. I am glad my friend came by though. (this is the one that always asks me out and I back out with) I think I need to come up with a name for him instead of always saying he is the one I always back out of dates with...don't ya think? Anyway...he made me laugh. He is such an easy going guy. And not self proclaimed either. I have noticed that when a guy I date says he is easy going...it isn't true. It is just what they would like to think of themselves. Then they turn out to be emotionally bound, barrier building butt heads that you can't be yourself with cause they actually have some serious issues with other women and put it back on me. (well that felt good :P)

My mom asked me last night if I had any regrets about my current situation that has now been closed. At first...I thought that maybe I did. I really wasn't sure I had made the right decision. Yet, still felt driven to do it. I am not so sure now that what I was feeling was regret...but more disappointment. Disappointment in this person that I have realized isn't what they come off as being or what I originally perceived him to be. Disappointed, that yet another person in my life has disappointed me. And disappointed, because I know he is going to pull the typical "Guy" thing and not care, comment or converse at all. But the more I look at it, I feel I made the right decision. For me.

Boundaries are a good thing...

On the Downbeat...

I am trying to do something that would ultimately be beneficial for someone else. At least I am thinking it would, merely based on the info I have been privy to. Although, it isn't so altruistic. I am trying to be responsible with my own heart that has been warning me of those string tugs. And rather than my strings having to be replaced once more...I would like to keep this set around for a while. How is it though...that you can do somthing that sounds like the right thing to do and have it suck so incredibly bad? Doing the right thing usually makes me feel pretty darn good...proud even. But I don't feel so good at the moment. And I am trying really hard to hold in the "girl" in me while I sit here at work.

One more hour...and I can justify getting the heck out of here.

And Yes...I will be fine. I always am.

Measure(ments)

I know I am successful. And not because I have a bunch of "stuff". Others would disagree...but they aren't me...are they? I was talking with a friend of mine today about the "right now". How important it is to be happy in it...with it. I really do try to live by that. "What If's" would be the end of me if I let them take hold. And why should I think about next month or next year...when if I stop and look at the sky today...it is more beautiful than my mind could even imagine down the road. Why miss it today in hoping for it tomorrow? Make sense? Have I got my point across yet? Am I really just getting on your nerves? :P Good. You'll remember me then...


My Daily OM

Happiness Realized
What Is Success?

Wealth. A lofty position in society. Luxurious possessions. Power. These are the benchmarks by which many people define success. A big bank account is too often valued over intelligence, kindness, fulfillment, or generosity. But what is real success? Poet Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote that it is "To laugh often and much...To appreciate beauty...To give of one's self" and "To have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation." His striking words hold a deeper meaning about the unique relationship between the path to success and the eventual destination. The most successful people, those who feel most accomplished, are simply those who have taken the necessary steps to do that which they have always wanted to do.

The tendency to encapsulate success can make it seem unattainable. We dream of becoming wealthy, embarking upon the perfect career, or owning a second home. But while success involves both desire and achievement, it is also touches every aspect of our lives. As one goal is fulfilled, more rear up to take its place and success can seem no closer. Earnest feelings of success cannot be hinged on one dream because success includes all areas of our lives: family, community, career, relationships, charity, and personal enjoyment.

Taking the first step toward a better future, showing the world to a child, or learning something new can all inspire feelings of success. As such, success cannot be gauged by the accomplishments of others for each individual has their own idea of success. Ask yourself: Am I useful to those around me? Do I live in the present, enjoying what life has to offer? Am I free in my heart to embark upon new ventures? If you are satisfied with your own striving, focusing on what you want to do, and working to be the best you can be, there is no need to be better than those around you.

As human beings, we require spiritual fulfillment as well as material gain. Like all things of value, the search for success requires hard work, a positive attitude, will power, and determination. But while true success comes when we pursue meaningful goals and explore new challenges, the path to success has many branches.

And not a single lesson!

So? Anybody ever read the instructions on how to play a flute? That's right...a Flute. Why don't you go here (mentally block the funky pictures) and tell me what you think...

Then when you are done, go back and read it again with my mind set. :P Oooo erotic hmmm? And quite hysterical.

Don't bother with the jokes on the movie with the girl named Michelle and band camp. I have heard them all.

There ya go...just a little glimpse, that I rarely let out other than to my close few, of my "read something else into what is obvious to those more serious" mind.

My apologies..

Technical Difficulties

Me and Deb, walking down the street. I was wearing a deep smokey gray top, jeans and some loafs. I don't remember what Deb had on... We were shopping and just hanging out. It was as if we were downtown here...but yet, it was somewhere else. Still home...just the same. I glanced over at a pizza parlor on the corner, doors open to absorb the warm breezy day. The sun was shining, as if in late spring, bright, golden and blues surrounding. The green of the trees standing full glory and people intermixed. As I glanced in, there he was. Sitting at a table with some others that were really just shadows, no definition at all. But, he did, he stood out like a beacon or something. My eyes fixed on him in an instant. I quickly looked away, as if my seeing him would give him the knowing of me being there too. I thought, how could he be here? Why would he be here? Should I go back and say hi? Should I just keep going and be thankful for the vision? Such a peaceful relaxing day, and now I found myself tugging nervously at my clothes and utterly confused.

Such a simple dream last night that has left me questioning all day. I don't usually remember dreams unless they have some weird meaning, or so I later come to find out. Frankly I don't think I do dream, simply because I don't remember them. But "they" say everyone does, regardless. These types of dreams, for me, aren't like dreams at all really. I am not sure how to explain them...

Anyway...it is leaving me "Vexed" ... :P told ya it was my new word.

Spyware

Hmmm well. Apparently, I am now linked in another website. Henry Miller I am flattered....sorta...but I would like to know what his answer is that he mentions coming to. As far as bloggers go and their Henry Miller epigraph.

I like Henry Miller. Much of what he had to say is timeless. Much of what he had to say, I think was ramblings of a possibly bitter man. It is all a matter of personal perspective. I have had things that I have written that some have used as their own personal quotes or found a great deal of meaning in. But I have said things too....that are completely off the wall and would make one think I was a nutcake.

I guess Henry's quote is my epigraph. This is a diary of sorts. And it can be more than just the stereotypical definition. It is my creative outlet, although that has been far and few between as late, and it clears out my head so I can go write in my book. Which, I am hoping, to someday finish so I can get my rejection letter from the publisher. :D

She says it so good

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

In My Daughters Eyes
By Martina McBride

Don't forget to say Thank You

I am sitting here...listening to some music videos. There is this one song called "Me and Charlie Talkin" There is one line from the song that really struck me. "I would give anything to love like a childs heart again." Forget the rest of the song..I mean it is a cute one and all, but that line says a lot. Think about it. I know that I have become so jaded. Love doesn't come easy for me. I am meaning the kind you feel for the opposite sex. As in relationship type of person. So when I do feel it...it is something pretty powerful. But it has been a long long time since. And I wonder if I really did feel it, even then, or if I could ever.

Anyway, I look at my post last night, and see how surface it was. I don't think I was trying to make any kind of point, just clearing out my head. I take a look at my fears on a daily basis. Break them down, tell myself that I can't let them get the better of me. I try to take into account when something I feel is based on that fear or the person themself. Sometimes it is more depth than I want at the time. Sometimes...I delve so deep it is hard to see where the out is that I came in.

On my mind...

I found out on Friday that my Boss' wife has cancer. She went in 2 weeks ago because she saw a couple spots on the back of her throat and wanted to know what they were. In her examination, they found a lump in her thyroid. So, tests commensed and this is the result. There is no answer yet on the level it is at, how extensive it is in her body or if it has been caught early enough in a localized area. I thought of their 3 children, A 5 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old. I looked at my boss and I think I actually saw a bit of emotion. Usually, it is pretty vacant, but something like this always makes a person more "human". I am not sure what to say or think on it. She is in my prayers for sure. Please include their family in yours.

Come Firth!

Well I'll be a goon dog sniffin at the possum at the door. (hard to explain that one but a good book) Anyway...

Someone actually links to me. Me? Me? Hummm....me...the girl that says way too much and expresses her opinions and convictions way too freely (I am getting better on this as I have written some really nasty things the past few days and haven't really posted it. I am proud), has someone that likes to read it. Well, I think likes it. How cool. :P

So I actually talked with this person that is ticking me off as late. He is so completely frustrating that it makes me want to jump his bones. Arg! Drives me nuts I swear. Men that challenge my way of thinking are so incredibly attractive it does me in. I shouldn't be saying any of this either, cause if he should happen to read then I just gave him some leverage. It is ok though....my strength has been put to the test before. B average...high C. Not exactly an acceptable grade point average but passing, nevertheless. My average dropped drastically with the last relationship or whatever you could call it. Relationship was a bad word. Anyway...I crumbled...folded...gave in. Only to find that he wasn't challenging intellectually...but challenged mentally AND emotionally. Ha! I crack myself up with that one. Exit stage left...or however you can get the heck out of there. I have been slowly building it back up from complete failure.

This current one is leaving me "vexed".

Ok cracking myself up again, cause we watched Pride and Prejudice tonight...the Really really long version, really long. The dang thing was a mini series spread over a few weeks and we watched the entire thing in one night. Vexed, It is my new word, well until I get bored with it. It is amazing how many times that word is used in the movie. But to see Colin parading around all wet and stuff....on the screen...was well worth the time. His big brown eyes are to die for...dang me. Yes, Colin can be that dark haired guy I always see in my dreams. Not fantasy dreams...sleep dreams. I have talked about him before though...ugh.

Ok straying again...

So we talked...sort of. I am not sure what happened. I mentioned that I am not a mind reader. I can only go by what actions are or are not taken. I said something really crude and was reminded at how crude it was. I know...I can go there but don't like to. Sometimes I am driven to a point of complete harshness and it spills forth like the molten lava it is. So I apologized. I will admit when I am wrong and/or inappropriate. It can be a plus. So...I understood some of his points and I think he understood some of mine. I really can't be sure. It is very odd...because listening to both arguments it would seem we are saying the exact same thing. But yet...neither one of us is getting the others words. Frankly...the baggage is in the way. His, is still laying open and not fully packed and me...I can't find the frigging key to undo the handcuffs from the handle.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other night. The guy that keeps asking me out and I keep backing out with. I told him of my issues with this situation...and he said "Why does he think you want marriage? You have put it pretty plainly to me and most likely him, that you do not." I said... "Because, men (generally speaking) assume and put this stigma on women, that if you want to feel love or some sort of closeness with a particular man, for reasons of just enjoying who they are and sharing your precious time with them, that automatically means that you are expecting marriage down the road. It is a stigma that I have not been able to overcome." (now this is all so contradictory to my belief in the Bible. It is hard for me to explain and I am thinking that the reason that this can't be is because it is not what is dictated. Do you see my struggles? I do take my Faith into consideration and what is the good thing to do. really.) I just want to be in it all right now, not what could be or might or should or can't. If you keep thinking about all the what if's...they turn into the can't be's. But yet I am being pushed back cause I am not allowed to feel the right now.

Is this making any kind of sense? Or am I just rambling at this point? Right...rambling.

Cookies

Well, I certainly didn't mean to make anyone cry. I love you guys...and I think you know that I pretty much say what is on my mind. Maybe not always in person. But it comes out in some way, nevertheless. I must say however...that my words, depending on the recipient, arent always so nice. I say the hard stuff too, when so motivated. Other times...it is best for me to hold my tongue (lesson learned), otherwise I will insight more damage when it isn't necessary.

I have been working a lot the past couple days. Which for me, can be a good thing. My energies are focused and determined. When this happenes for me, I tend to clarify many a thing in my head. I guess I do drown myself in work but not to the neglect of other, more important, personal issues.

I have been rationalizing a certain situation in my head. Trying to come to some sort of conclusion of whether or not it is a good thing for me. Or, if I should just move away from it. It has been an ongoing battle since it's inception. No matter which way I look at it...it comes up short of what my needs are. It would seem, that only their needs are what is of concern, on their part. I hear about certain gestures and givings they have done in the past. It forces me to compare it to my own experience with them. Inevitably, I notice how different it is and how unimportant it all (me) is to them. I don't want to be unimportant to anyone I am involved with. I don't want my existence to be a "what can I do for them today?" type either. Too much imbalance, and someone (me) is left feeling neglected and used. Maybe neglect is a strong word. Maybe inconvenient/ce would be better. I hear, too, of the wrongs done to them and yet notice that they are just doing the same. How can you condemn one for their deeds when you don't even know better not to do them yourself? Do unto others as you would have done unto you...or so it goes. Something I try to live by. Too bad others, don't.

I was reading the other night, an article about men vs women and cheating. The article was directed for men but interviewed women in order to get their opinion and perceptions. One woman spoke about how she couldn't, wouldn't even consider marriage in this day and age to any man. How men's attitudes these days are one for all and all for me. Their life is one big play date and let's see how many date's we can squeeze in to benefit me. Pessimistic, I know. But, I have to say, that I understand her perception. This is not to say that women don't have their fair share of cheaters and users. They exist and just about as many as men. But, ya know...it isn't just nice guys that finish last. Nice girls do too...

Latitude: 434332N

Ya know...I spent many a minute looking in the mirror last night, wondering if it was there. A huge tatt on my forehead. Yes a tattoo...one that says "Losers apply here". But I couldn't see anything. I think it is one that is only visible to men. Women can't see it. It isn't meant for them. That...or I have one of those micro chips secretly implanted in my shoulder. That is why men carry around those annoying cell phones. It is actually a covert mechanism like a homing device. Yes...that must be it. No wonder my shoulder has been bugging me...and I thought I just needed a massage.

Will duct tape work?

I am not sure where to begin with this night. How to explain without saying too much. I don't understand the way certain people's thought patterns evolve. How they come to a judgement about a situation without considering all aspects of it. The single-mindedness is almost unbelievable. At least, that is my perception. But if they were considering all sides...all factors...reasons and results, then how can they feel the way they do? Perhaps they aren't the kind of people they believe themselves to be.

Intelligence: 1 a (1) : the ability to learn or understand or to deal with new or trying situations : REASON; also : the skilled use of reason (2) : the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one's environment or to think abstractly as measured by objective criteria (as tests) b Christian Science : the basic eternal quality of divine Mind c : mental acuteness

My brother-in-law did an amazing thing tonight, to me. He stood before us, with tears in his eyes (you would have to know him to understand. Very quiet and somewhat reserved. He holds his tongue so as to keep peace. I already had so much respect and love for my sister and brother-in-law, but tonight i think he increased it ten fold) And spoke of true respect, love and kindness. That is what I got from it. How important it is to have that and give that with those you love. How truly precious it is and how fleeting it could be. (I know this isn't what he said in so many words. It is just the message I received and translation from the actual words he spoke.) It is about giving without expectation of something in return. This is what our parents, in my family, do on a daily basis. Whatever you need, they will do their best to help in the way that they can. They are there for you regardless of past, present or future. And regardless of their own trials facing them.

Unconditional: 1 : not conditional or limited (simple, isn't it?)

I know I have had my difficulties. I have made some really bad choices in my lifetime thus far. I am sure I will make more. It has, however, brought me to a place where I understand the value, on a daily basis, of the people in my life. (I am a bit finger-tied here cause I am not sure how to explain my feeling.) All I can say is, my parents are the two most amazing people I have ever been blessed to know.

Miracle: 1 : an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs

I can only hope...that "others" come to realize it too.

S...I...Sicky...Sy

Well crud. I had been working on a post most of the day. Writing a bit here and there, only to have to close it when some clients of mine came in at quitting time today. I wasn't able to save it, but had hoped it would possibly keep as a draft. No such luck. Dag nab it. It was good too. Actually something decent to read other than my usual banter. Apparently I wasn't supposed to post it. Most times, I can remember word for word of something I have written. All I have to do is picture the paper or screen in my head and there it is. But too much time has passed now...and I am way too tired. I can only see fragments. Pieces that have to do with men in suits, or was that jeans and a nice sweater?, the 3 stooges, my mother, and no-see-ems. Doesn't make any sense huh? It did at the time. Perfectly.

So, now...I sit here, waiting for my mocha moolatte to defrost. It was free yesterday when I stopped to get my daughter a treat after her church group. They had made one too many and asked if I wanted it. I am not one to pass up anything free. :P Especially a Mocha Moolatte. Yum! For those of you unfamiliar...a Mocha Moolatte is Coffee blended with cocoa, vanilla ice cream and ice.

Ok..so...so much for the three stooges. I guess I am off to play a video game until sleep hits me...

Jelly

Ugh. I am really trying to concentrate here. My face is glued to this dang manual to try and rate and bid new business....but someone teased me on my lunch break today about Peanut Butter and Frustration. It has now sent my mind a'reeling. An hour and half to go...

Now...I must go and attend a web conference thingy...hopefully there won't be any good looking suits talking...God help me...

Sound Familiar?

My Daily OM

The Other Side Of Light
Shadow Emotions

Within each of us lives a subtle darkness. Often it is something we fear, for from it comes the emotions we perceive as negative: resentment, guilt, anger, greed, denial, and mistrust. These shadow emotions remain hidden, held apart from the self-image, and so seem to manifest themselves unexpectedly, leaving behind feelings of shame and unresolved struggle. But as the light cannot exist without the contrasting darkness, shadow emotions are part of the miracle of existence and self-awareness. Psychologist Carl Jung asserted that negative feelings are a vital part of psychological well-being and cannot be repressed without stifling creativity, joy, and wisdom.

The shadow emotions exist to balance the emotions of light, but also can teach you a great deal. Repression of your darker side numbs the mind and prevents you from experiencing the full range of life's offerings because shadow emotions are an integral part of passion, excitement, and the intensity of the heart. Avoiding them simply causes emotional explosions, harsh self-criticism, confusion, and limits to what you believe you can accomplish. Each person is dual-natured, but in denying the shadow, it becomes a stranger and something to be intolerant of. Thus, it can be hard to access, but it can be found by giving it a voice and acknowledging that voice without fear in a journal or by benignly stimulating the darker emotions with thrilling novels or films. In doing so, you may find yourself better able to contemplate courses of action that had previously seemed impossible.

Your shadow emotions open new doors. When you have tapped into it and no longer fear it, your ability to understand and accept the shadow emotions of others will emerge. Jung believed that we meet the shadow side when experiencing a difficult period and so many people try to avoid it. But, like a mist allowed to expand, acknowledged shadow emotions dissipate into clarity, giving way to true acceptance of ourselves and others.

Sobe Break

I really don't have time to be doing this...but I am having a rebellious moment. As my current Male friend would say...I am being Snarky and flippant! :P Or maybe just plain difficult? Teehee...

My desk is piled with "stuff". Everything my boss hands me he needs Right Now! But there has been so many, that the things he needed Right Now! from Monday are still in the Right Now! pile. I can't keep up with it. I am taking a class this month on prioritizing. Everything is a major priority as it is...I just need to prioritize the priorities...Ugh confusing myself. Maybe the class will help. Good to learn something new anyway...

I was scanning thru some old emails from this past year. I have about 700 just from one person. Crazy huh? He was a cool guy though. He worked with me, so the email thing was handy, as well as the little secret of accessing the DOS drive to send realtime messages a half a country away. Shhh. That was kind of fun now and then too. But it did distract me from my work...just a tad. Ok, well, maybe more than a tad.

Speaking of which...I guess I should go now...:P

Got Milk?

Ya know...there are so many bloggers talking about losing weight that maybe someone should start a support blog just for that purpose. Or maybe not... Would be a hella funny though, I am sure.

Speaking of...I didn't go work out tonight. So much for getting off the holiday hiatus. Ah well...I stayed home and cooked up a bunch of homemade cookies instead. :P You would think after the holidays, I should be goodied-out, but I had some dough already made up that needed to be baked. Seriously. I blame it on my sister, however, and a portion of my ass is dedicated to her. She decided, that in her thriftiness, she would mix up a bunch of Martha Stewart chocolate chip cookie dough to give us as gifts. These cookies are to die for, by the way. So commences the blame. Too bad I can't package up my buns to leave on her doorstep in a basket with recipe card attached, huh?

So, now, I have dozens of delish cookies awaiting gluttany. Any bidders?

Syncopated hihats and driving bottem ends...

I don't think I have ever mentioned how incredibly beautiful the winter nights are here. Dang me... I was driving home from work tonight, and the lights were reflecting off the snow on the ground and the frost covered trees. The sky was illuminated with the irridescence that snow clouds have...amazing site I swear. I walked outside last night...ummm about midnight or so...and everything was so still. It is so peaceful after a big snow. The air is so clean and fresh...more so than after a rain. I just love it.

K excuse me while I go dance to the current song selection...

*insert music notes here* (arms in the air...butt shakin')

"You had your chance, you blew it...out a sight - out o'mind...shut your mouth I just can't take it. Again and again and again and again. Since you've been gone I can breath for the first time. I'm so movin' on...yeah yeah..."

Ok, apologies for my weird interlude there. ;)

Yes...it is a new year. And man...am I excited about what new possibilities may come my way. Or, what possibilities I can help fulfill for someone else. I guess we shall see hmmm?

I love these lessons...

My Daily OM

Giving Life A Trim
Living Simply

Between the rivers of urban traffic and the cool streams of nirvana is a middle ground.

More is expected of us than ever before. Within the home, each person takes on multiple roles that were once spread out through the extended family - homemaker, breadwinner, parent, cook, head of household - stretching an individual to his or her limits. (Sometimes it is only an Individual that takes on all these things) When stress reaches unbearable levels, we may entertain ideas of chucking it all and running off to Walden Pond or a Himalayan mountaintop (or Hawaii :P) where "wireless" means nothing to wire and the only cells are those that nature provided in the birds and the bees. This impulse to flee a changing world is nothing new, sages of the past from Plato to Confucius, have advised about returning to simplicity.

By taking a good look at one's lifestyle and the conflicts that have arisen through one's habits, some important but subtle shifts can be made that bring about a more simplified life. The repercussions making these changes extend from one's inner spiritual life to interpersonal relationships to the global environment.

Spending a few minutes calming the mind and taking note of one's emotions helps slow down complicated thinking that often creates negative reactions. Even trying for a few seconds a day - stopping and looking at how your mind is racing, judging, conceptualizing - and noticing the noise it creates, is a great beginning. Eventually seconds may become minutes and the chain reaction begins. By developing inner quiet and compassion, one's relationships become less stormy. Making economic changes, introducing skillful management and reducing one's cravings, slows down the frenzied cycle of consumption. In turn, consuming less means living lighter on the land which creates a balance in your environment both immediate and far reaching.

Sometimes trees need pruning in order to continue blossoming. Find the heavy boughs that are weighing down your life and give yourself a healthy trim, We cannot stop evolutionary and societal change, but if we are in complete control to change ourselves and when we do this, our relationship to everything around us begins to change.

clean slate

Humm my blog has no content. This is an unofficial test of what the hell is going on! arg...


15 minutes later...

Ok it is back again. Apparently, earlier, when I had made some changes to the html code stuff...I deleted the entire second half of it. :P Don't ask me how that happened since my changes were only within a certain piece. Anyway...I reloaded the template and just copy/pasted my particular changes. I am sure you are thankful to be able to read my personal, whiney, embarassing thoughts once again. :P

How many eggs?

Standing at my back door, breathing the fresh cold air, I could see the heat escaping my home. It turned the treed backdrop into a watery existence. Dreamy almost. It made me think of how everything is so transient. What you think, isn't always how it is. Certain questions asked of you, or comments made are really only to find out what the other person wants to know so they can put it in some sort of "place". Or, to find out if it is going somewhere they don't want to tread, and not because they might be feeling the same. I feel almost deceived, in a way (by my own self of course) and the skillful turn of my own wordage back on me.

It is interesting to me, that some want to eat their cake and everyone else's too. But when you state that you are happy with just one piece of cake at a time, then it is a "High School" way of thinking (quite the opposite if you ask me). It applies pressure to the other person. I read, recently, that pressure can only come from within. I agree with that. I haven't applied any pressure or assumed any particular result onto this other person. I am just trying to go with the flow; Enjoy my cake while it sits before me. I, myself, like to savor the flavor before moving to the next. Unless, satisfaction comes from the one I am eating (no pun intended) leaving me feeling quite full. If I am enjoying this "cake", I will also express it and share this knowledge with others I care about. Not to say, however, that I am going to share my fork (again, no pun intended). Germs most certainly would ensue. Do I need to have cake in my life to be happy? No. I am happy with myself and knowing that I am doing the best at all I do. Do I enjoy the sweet treat that cake provides? Most certainly. And I will gladly partake if it is one that appeals to my taste buds. If it provides a bitter taste, then pushing it away is something I most willingly will do. Thus the term "skidmarks on my kitchen floor", (some don't get what I mean when I say this, so there ya go)

Ok..enough of the obvious metaphor.

My life is Good. Abundant with so much, I can't help but be thankful. I may whine a bit...annoying as that is...But I always come back to my grounding. My chin so high, Leno would be jealous.

Now...bring on the antacid....

1 out of 365

Well, Happy New Year. I am not sure about the way it is starting. Maybe it will be a sampling of what is to come. I hope not. Why does everything have to be such extreme? Just a happy medium is all I seek. I think the benefits of those particular extremes can be, without the extreme itself. But I am thinking that it is just me that feels that way or truly believes it can be.

So here alone I sit. 2am. Wondering when I will be able to let go of this fear and let things just be. Men are funny creatures. I dont' know that I will ever understand them or if they could even try to understand me. I think that you can fall in love with someone and not have that be some precursor to marriage. I have been down that road twice, simply because we fell in "Love" (supposedly) and that was the next thing to come or I guess they were both for convenience, now that I think about it, just different types. Well frankly, I think you can have that kind of love without putting a piece of paper to it. Why can't there be a committed relationship without living together or marrying each other? I don't want to be afraid to feel those feelings either, because someone may think that if I do feel that way then that naturally means I want marriage. Sheesh. How frustrating. I also don't want to feel that for someone if they aren't feeling it for me. One sided relationships aren't relationships at all. I don't want to be used just for someone else not to feel lonely. I am worth much more than just an escort for the evening or a couple months until something better this way comes.

My good friend once said... "I don't have any give left." I understand that. I know it.