I took an extra day today. Stole one right from under my bosses nose. He made sure to keep me connected, however, with a phone call asking for help every 30 minutes or so. Sometimes, the calls were only 5 minutes apart. I chuckled each time the phone rang. I have to say it makes me feel good to be so needed. But, my baby girl needed me at home today when her tummy wasn't up to par this morning. She is fine, and is really just an upset versus anything viral. Yeah! We have made some good strides this school year by not getting sick at all. Hopefully, we keep pushing our luck and don't catch any of the junk going around.
She was upset about me keeping her home today. We are almost through the first tri-mester, and she has perfect attendance. She wanted to make it all year. But, I am a pretty protective Mom and there was no way I was sending her off if there was a chance she was going to be sick in class. It happened to me once in the fifth grade. It was one of the most embarrassing moments ever. (Not to mention my subcutaneous protrusion :P) Anyway, Firemen may be forgiving, by kids aren't at that age. I was forever known as the girl that barfed up hot dogs in Mrs. Thorns fifth grade class.
Have I mentioned that I am not a big fan of Hot Dogs?
So, tonight, when I got home from my date with "the really nice guy", I had messages from my daughter wanting to come home from her friends house. (Yes, I went on the date cause Rachel seemed just fine all day. She was ok with it, so I did.) I went and got her straight away. She was missing me and just wanted to be home. She hugged me for a good 5 minutes, tightly and with tears trickling down her face, before I tucked her in. I told her how much I loved her...and she would always be, my number one.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Saturday, November 26, 2005
The list
MP3 players. Yeesh. How many of them are there? Rachel wants one for Christmas. I want to get her one. But dang me. They certainly don't fit into a single income. And is iPod really the best? Or would I just be paying for a brand? I have been looking into them, EBay, retail stores, online tech shops...I have seen those that hold and have the same capabilities as iPod/shuffle, but are they good? Are they going to provide what she wants out of it for the price? I need some help on this one. Any MP3 guru's out there that can help me? It seems like a huge thing for an eleven year old, but yet if I remember back to being her age, it would have been my desire, too.
The iDog. What a cute little thing. It is way tinier than I ever thought (or what they show on commercials) But I think that is definitly do-able. And what a cool thing to go with the MP3 player. iPod or other.
Clothes. Ugh. It is hard to find "young girl" clothes that don't say "Hey! Boy! Look at my new boobs!" Why can't they make modest junior girl stuff? I want Rachel to stay in her time zone ya know? I don't think it appropriate for her to be wearing tops that show cleavage or hug or reveal her mid section. She is only eleven! But she is built like I was, and I can't find modest clothing unless I hit the misses section. Like she is going to wear a button down cardigan with flower appliques on it? Right...so I keep searching. I think I now know why my Adoptive Mom "made" my clothes. I can't say as I like her idea of Holly Hobby bell bottoms and shiny polyester shirts, but I can understand her frustration.
CD's and DVD's. These are way to easy. And I have actually accomplished a couple of them.
Money. While I understand the independent feeling of having your own and being able to shop or save, I loved waking up Christmas morning to presents under the tree. Big ones, small ones and those inbetween. I know she is going to get gift cards and such from others, but it just doesn't seem like a great idea from the Mom. Maybe a small one...I don't know.
I miss the days of Rachel wanting a baby doll and all the accessories, roller skates and a new bike. Her tastes are changing. I try to make up for the fact, albeit in a small way, that her dad doesn't share or take part in the holidays with her. Last Christmas, he didn't even make a phone call. I don't want her to feel like something is lacking because of it. While I know I can't replace that relationship or the feelings instilled by a positive one, I hope when she is older, she realizes that her puzzle was complete with missing pieces and all. I don't mean to sound that I make up for it with buying "stuff", that isn't the case and Rachel is very appreciative and thankful for whatever Santa leaves under the tree. She isn't a "I get everything I want" kind of kid. And I don't want to use an excuse of being a single parent, for not providing all the love that would be a part of a Mom and Dad household. I guess I just want her to look back someday, on her childhood, and see it as full and whole with no wondering of what it could have been, otherwise.
Christmas decorations are calling my name out in the shed. Have a great weekend...
The iDog. What a cute little thing. It is way tinier than I ever thought (or what they show on commercials) But I think that is definitly do-able. And what a cool thing to go with the MP3 player. iPod or other.
Clothes. Ugh. It is hard to find "young girl" clothes that don't say "Hey! Boy! Look at my new boobs!" Why can't they make modest junior girl stuff? I want Rachel to stay in her time zone ya know? I don't think it appropriate for her to be wearing tops that show cleavage or hug or reveal her mid section. She is only eleven! But she is built like I was, and I can't find modest clothing unless I hit the misses section. Like she is going to wear a button down cardigan with flower appliques on it? Right...so I keep searching. I think I now know why my Adoptive Mom "made" my clothes. I can't say as I like her idea of Holly Hobby bell bottoms and shiny polyester shirts, but I can understand her frustration.
CD's and DVD's. These are way to easy. And I have actually accomplished a couple of them.
Money. While I understand the independent feeling of having your own and being able to shop or save, I loved waking up Christmas morning to presents under the tree. Big ones, small ones and those inbetween. I know she is going to get gift cards and such from others, but it just doesn't seem like a great idea from the Mom. Maybe a small one...I don't know.
I miss the days of Rachel wanting a baby doll and all the accessories, roller skates and a new bike. Her tastes are changing. I try to make up for the fact, albeit in a small way, that her dad doesn't share or take part in the holidays with her. Last Christmas, he didn't even make a phone call. I don't want her to feel like something is lacking because of it. While I know I can't replace that relationship or the feelings instilled by a positive one, I hope when she is older, she realizes that her puzzle was complete with missing pieces and all. I don't mean to sound that I make up for it with buying "stuff", that isn't the case and Rachel is very appreciative and thankful for whatever Santa leaves under the tree. She isn't a "I get everything I want" kind of kid. And I don't want to use an excuse of being a single parent, for not providing all the love that would be a part of a Mom and Dad household. I guess I just want her to look back someday, on her childhood, and see it as full and whole with no wondering of what it could have been, otherwise.
Christmas decorations are calling my name out in the shed. Have a great weekend...
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Posies
Did I really eat that much food? Oh. My. Goodness. And yes...it was absolute goodness. My Mom rocks when it comes to cooking. And all the contributions to the table were yummy, too.
It was a good day. I kept thinking of Tech's prayer posted, and it reminds me of how Thankful I am and appreciative for having such a day.
Look at that...How can I not be Thankful?
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
One bar left
I am charging my battery. Not only figuratively but the one in my camera too. I haven't taken any pictures for a while and I am itching to get some good ones tomorrow. I love taking pictures of my neices and nephews. Their sweet smiling faces and sometimes even when they are sorrowful. Such expression in a baby's face. I would love to share them all with you, but for the privacy of my family, I don't. Believe me when I say they are a cute bunch of short people.
For anyone who reads...I wish you the Best of days tomorrow. Full of love, warmth and blessings however great or small.
Happy Thanksgiving!
For anyone who reads...I wish you the Best of days tomorrow. Full of love, warmth and blessings however great or small.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Brown Baggin'
Temperature has been quiet the conversational topic the past few days. The cold goes through your clothing with this "inversion" layer that is hovering over our little piece of Oregon. Brr...
My sis-in-law asked me the other day what my number count was for NaNoWriMo. I hung my head in shame and said "Zero." I did an outline, I did my character sketches and yet...nothing. I have no excuse other than the words just weren't there. I came home today with a message from her telling me that this message on my machine was my daily motivational to start writing. To try before it was over and send her some to read. But I still don't have any. I would like to say that work has been incredibly busy. It has taken all my brain power just to make sure I cover all my bases there. I would like to say that instead of coming home and relaxing a bit after work, that I have found myself having to run this or that errand, completing some chore or getting my daughter to where she needs to go. And while all these things are true, I am not much for excuses. I think I just set myself up for failure on this. I love my story, the one that is in my brain versus on paper, and perhaps I will get the chance, or rather take the time, to give it life. It just isn't right now.
My grocery shopping tonight was interesting. I did manage to find all I needed. I just had to do some digging through picked apart shelves and displays. I think I got the last can of Cream of Mushroom soup in the entire store. I can only imagine the madhouse it was during the day when I was at work.
Blessings come in funny packages. Underneath the shabbiest or plain in wrappings, is something good.
Ooof...I am tired.
My sis-in-law asked me the other day what my number count was for NaNoWriMo. I hung my head in shame and said "Zero." I did an outline, I did my character sketches and yet...nothing. I have no excuse other than the words just weren't there. I came home today with a message from her telling me that this message on my machine was my daily motivational to start writing. To try before it was over and send her some to read. But I still don't have any. I would like to say that work has been incredibly busy. It has taken all my brain power just to make sure I cover all my bases there. I would like to say that instead of coming home and relaxing a bit after work, that I have found myself having to run this or that errand, completing some chore or getting my daughter to where she needs to go. And while all these things are true, I am not much for excuses. I think I just set myself up for failure on this. I love my story, the one that is in my brain versus on paper, and perhaps I will get the chance, or rather take the time, to give it life. It just isn't right now.
My grocery shopping tonight was interesting. I did manage to find all I needed. I just had to do some digging through picked apart shelves and displays. I think I got the last can of Cream of Mushroom soup in the entire store. I can only imagine the madhouse it was during the day when I was at work.
Blessings come in funny packages. Underneath the shabbiest or plain in wrappings, is something good.
Ooof...I am tired.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Happy Monday Eve
Mmmm Thanksgiving. I am so ready for it and the time off that comes with it. I know...we just had a weekend, but me and Rach kept pretty busy this one past. We went swimming again today, just the two of us and did I don't know how many laps. It doesn't feel like exercise at all until a few hours later when your muscles start to get sore. I also cleaned my yard today which added to the calorie burnage. Yeah! During the week (since the pool closes before we get home on weekdays) I will be doing my Pilates and a couple rounds on the dance pad for the aerobics. Eating isn't so much an issue with me and losing weight. It is the exercise. I have to exercise in order to lose.
Anyway, I am hoping that this Thursday is a great one. Full of good feelings, appreciation for family and friends, and...the realization of what a blessing it is that we have each other to share in the day.
I'd like to elaborate more, but I am sleepy. That is what I get for talking on the phone till the wee hours of the morn.
Sweet dreams...
Anyway, I am hoping that this Thursday is a great one. Full of good feelings, appreciation for family and friends, and...the realization of what a blessing it is that we have each other to share in the day.
I'd like to elaborate more, but I am sleepy. That is what I get for talking on the phone till the wee hours of the morn.
Sweet dreams...
The pretty blue sky
Conversations with Rachel
(On our way through Wendy's drive through for a pop.)
Her: Why do you always use exact change?
Me: Because...then I won't have so much coin in my purse. It gets heavy.
Her: It isn't 'coin' it's 'coins'.
Me: (rolling my eyes) Ok..I won't have so much coinage in my purse.
Her: Ah, well, you see Mom, that's where my piggy bank comes in. *grins*
Yesterday was a fun day. Rachel, Lindsay and myself decided to take advantage of the Rec hall here and spent about 2 hours swimming in the pool, relaxing in the hot tub and warming back up in the sauna. We came back to a lunch of warm soup, played video games and listened to music. Later, Rach and I went shopping for my nephews birthday and hung out watching TV in my bedroom. After she went to sleep, I stayed up till 2:30am talking with this man, Michael, that has captured my attention. In a big way. We talked music, live theatre, children, love, family and relationships. And I still feel like I could to talk with him about so much more. Yikes...I am trying to push the fear away, the apprehension and uncertainty instead of the opportunity.
Wish me luck, and offer maybe some Prayer that this is for real. And thanks...
(On our way through Wendy's drive through for a pop.)
Her: Why do you always use exact change?
Me: Because...then I won't have so much coin in my purse. It gets heavy.
Her: It isn't 'coin' it's 'coins'.
Me: (rolling my eyes) Ok..I won't have so much coinage in my purse.
Her: Ah, well, you see Mom, that's where my piggy bank comes in. *grins*
Yesterday was a fun day. Rachel, Lindsay and myself decided to take advantage of the Rec hall here and spent about 2 hours swimming in the pool, relaxing in the hot tub and warming back up in the sauna. We came back to a lunch of warm soup, played video games and listened to music. Later, Rach and I went shopping for my nephews birthday and hung out watching TV in my bedroom. After she went to sleep, I stayed up till 2:30am talking with this man, Michael, that has captured my attention. In a big way. We talked music, live theatre, children, love, family and relationships. And I still feel like I could to talk with him about so much more. Yikes...I am trying to push the fear away, the apprehension and uncertainty instead of the opportunity.
Wish me luck, and offer maybe some Prayer that this is for real. And thanks...
Friday, November 18, 2005
Cogs n'Kettles
The girls were only chatting a moment ago. Now, they are both snuggled on the couches, Rachel and Lindsay, unawares of the light on my desk and clicking of my fingers on these keys. Our night was late, the day long and I think they were only operating on the residual sugar high left by the movie candy.
It was fun to go out with friends. It doesn't seem like it happens often enough these days. Everyone is so busy with their lives, families and work. Myself included. There always seems to be something that needs to get done and the excuse of time.
I talked with Christine, Lindsays mom, about single life and she about her married one. And it got me thinking...
At what point do I just let go and start trusting again? My mom mentioned to me about how when I start dating, that I soon become stand offish. It is true, those memories of being wounded start to instill the fear of getting into something that would risk having it done again. I start to turn away, push away and make myself feel that it doesn't matter. My fear isn't of the relationship itself, I know what I give...I know how I can love...I know that I want to. But, the thought of making that wrong choice again, or just taking a chance - makes me scared. There is someone that I would really like to get to know more. And from what I have learned thus far, seems really good. But what if I am wrong, what if it is all just talk and is really "to good to be true"? What if I blow it with all my questioning instead of just letting it flow, taking that risk to see where it leads? It is hard enough to believe that there is someone that fits your ideal, so what do you do when you think you may be talking to them?
Maybe I am not making any sense...
I will leave you with one of my all time favorite songs, downloaded tonight super fast with my DSL. :P
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to
I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again
Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again
Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things
To come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now
Thought I'd see you one more time again
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now"
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Nooners
Well, I did get a few interesting return emails from my "oops" this morning. But I have no clue who these people are. One of the emails said "There you are! WHere have you been sexy?" Sexy ??? Ha! Ok...I am not so sure I want to know who this person is. And what did I ever say that made him think I was sexy? I would recognize the email addy if he was someone I dated in the last three years...but I don't think he is. Or she... I mean it very well could be a female, I suppose.
Anyway...tomorrow is Friday. I am so excited! *think Pointer Sisters*
Anyway...tomorrow is Friday. I am so excited! *think Pointer Sisters*
@aol.com has a new email address
Yikes! Ok so I got the Wizard to work this morning and I had emails going to people and addresses I didn't even know were in my AOL addy book. Lord help me. It even sent an email to my "Mail to Blogger" address and the letter was posted here for all to see. Nice huh?
And in 3 - 2 - 1
I am coming to you LIVE via DSL. YEAH! Ok well maybe not live, persay, but certainly faster. And may I just say what a difference it makes. My gosh. My first internet experience was a bit spoiled. I worked for a company that gave me Cable internet services for free, so being on dial up the last four years has been a labor of love. Love for the internet with a side of disgust for AOL.
I was hoping this whole technical transition of mine would have gone a bit more seamlessly. But, alas, the satellite thing didn't work out and tonight, I spent a couple hours on the phone with tech support to figure out why my new modem wasn't working. But how cool was it that I was on the phone and on the world wide web at the same time?! Ha! I love it. I am also trying to use a Wizard to transfer all my contacts and favorites from AOL to MSN. It keeps freezing up in the middle, so I will have to try again tomorrow. Some of you will get some form letter about my new home email addy.
It works now, my modem, obviously, and I am already thinking of all the cool things I can do on my blog now that the download times will be much faster. Ooo...audio...Oooo video. Teeheee!
I was hoping this whole technical transition of mine would have gone a bit more seamlessly. But, alas, the satellite thing didn't work out and tonight, I spent a couple hours on the phone with tech support to figure out why my new modem wasn't working. But how cool was it that I was on the phone and on the world wide web at the same time?! Ha! I love it. I am also trying to use a Wizard to transfer all my contacts and favorites from AOL to MSN. It keeps freezing up in the middle, so I will have to try again tomorrow. Some of you will get some form letter about my new home email addy.
It works now, my modem, obviously, and I am already thinking of all the cool things I can do on my blog now that the download times will be much faster. Ooo...audio...Oooo video. Teeheee!
Monday, November 14, 2005
Merging Layers
I didn't get Satellite. The installation guy got here this morning and said I had too many trees. If I wanted the service, I would have to cut down the trees in my back yard. I called to have my cable hooked back up. Sheesh. I will have DSL though.
Yeah.
I emailed back the marketing project person. (Then I went and played in PSP some more. Much more fun I say.) But I told him that it would be best for him and the company if he invested some money in a professional service versus using me. The difficulties of working with someone long distance, he is in Illinois, isn't worth the time and effort (read as: miscommunication). I really think it is best. Perhaps it will prove to be a huge mistake for me in the long run, but right now? Right now it is the best decision I can think of. And right now is all I ever strive to make good.
I am getting the hang of PSP. It is so fun to see what I can make and/or come up with. The more I fiddle and learn the ins-n-outs, the more that I find I can do.
Yeah.
I emailed back the marketing project person. (Then I went and played in PSP some more. Much more fun I say.) But I told him that it would be best for him and the company if he invested some money in a professional service versus using me. The difficulties of working with someone long distance, he is in Illinois, isn't worth the time and effort (read as: miscommunication). I really think it is best. Perhaps it will prove to be a huge mistake for me in the long run, but right now? Right now it is the best decision I can think of. And right now is all I ever strive to make good.
I am getting the hang of PSP. It is so fun to see what I can make and/or come up with. The more I fiddle and learn the ins-n-outs, the more that I find I can do.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Intransitive senses
I, um...made a few changes to the blog. It seems to be what I do these days (play in PSP) to keep my mind off of other things. And after a few disturbing emails from the person I was working with on the marketing project, it seemed the wisest thing for me to do versus replying from a personal perspective. Before I knew it, hours had passed. Several versions of my new masthead later, this is what I am happy with. I hope you like it too.
The only thing about getting lost in PaintShop, is that I neglected to get a few things done that needed to be tended to. Like cleaning my house for one. I have the Satellite guy coming tomorrow morning to install, ya know, the satellite stuff and I am supposed to have my entertainment center moved about 3 feet from the wall. Ha! Should be interesting to see what I find back there, since it has been about three years since I rearranged my living room. I will also have DSL this week. No more are the days of my friends and family telling me that they can't through to call me 'cause I am online all the time. Nope..High Speed internet for this girly. With all this upgraded technology, I will actually be saving myself a little bit of money.
So why didn't I do this sooner?
The only thing about getting lost in PaintShop, is that I neglected to get a few things done that needed to be tended to. Like cleaning my house for one. I have the Satellite guy coming tomorrow morning to install, ya know, the satellite stuff and I am supposed to have my entertainment center moved about 3 feet from the wall. Ha! Should be interesting to see what I find back there, since it has been about three years since I rearranged my living room. I will also have DSL this week. No more are the days of my friends and family telling me that they can't through to call me 'cause I am online all the time. Nope..High Speed internet for this girly. With all this upgraded technology, I will actually be saving myself a little bit of money.
So why didn't I do this sooner?
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Twenty Pounds later...
Rachel is going to her best friends birthday/sleep over/go to the movies in their pajamas/act like a bunch of 'Tweens and run amuck party today. I plan on taking my time alone to do a bit of "Me" time. I am breaking out the home manicure regimine, facial products and hair dye (cause in this picture you can't see the giant stripe of grey down the center of my forehead either) I am going to make my feet soft, my face feel moisturized and smoother and my hair appear about 7 years younger.
I have also gained about half of the forty pounds I lost last year, back. I am going to sit down and plan out how I am going to get back on track. I haven't excerised regularly for about a year now (I can't believe it has been that long that I have let this effort, just go) and it has sure made itself known. Pilates will be a regular feature on my entertainment center and there won't be anymore Saturday morning trips to Richard's Donut shop. (Sorry Rach) I had more than forty pounds to lose and I plan on finishing that up. Maybe the holiday season isn't the best time to start this, but Thanksgiving and Christmas feasts are only two days of the year. All I know, is that when I exercise, I feel better. I feel better about life and living it each day. I am excited to take on new challenges and the world I live in has many more reasons to seek out the beauty we normally look past. I need that, I value it and I have been missing it.
My best friend Debbie has started a blog. She is really a blessing to me. We have our differences and are so different in some of our ways you might wonder why we are friends, but I assure you, she makes me understand the term "Soul Sister". Our religions are different, she is Mormon and I am Christian. She has been married to the same man since she was 18 and I ... well I have issues with that. She is a stay at home mom and I am not. But the way we think and feel about life as a whole meshes. She is a wonderful poetry writer (if she lets you read it) and the pride and patience she takes in her family is inspiring. Stop by and say hello...Here.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Tony Orlando
I tried to get to sleep early tonight. Earlier than midnight anyway. But I woke from a near sleep to the phone ringing at eleven. My sister in California decided to call. She doesn't usually call me unless she is wanting me to do something or she has been drinking. Tonight, it was both. I love my sister. I really do. With all my heart I do. She has done immeasurable things to see that I am doing ok, raising my daughter on my own. But I worry about how much she drinks and the way she is dealing with her own life. Emotionally. And ultimately, physically.
Apparently, I am expected to be there for Christmas this year. I wasn't aware that I was, but my adoptive mom told everyone that I was going to be there. My sister wanted to know when. It wasn't an option or even a consideration that I had no plans to go and never said that I was. I called my mom last week and we did not even discuss Christmas at all. We talked weather, her health, her granddaughter and her trip to Panama. From what I could understand, they have already decided when we are going where and who we are going to go see. Ugh. It is hard to talk to her when every other word out of her mouth begins with the letter F. I just sort of sit back and let her go on about how I should tell my job to go suck a big one (I really didn't ask her to elaborate on what the "big one" was) and just take whatever time I want, off. She doesn't understand the depedency of a decent paying job, and the absolute value it has on a single parent. You put up with a lot of junk when you know it is better than the current alternatives. At any rate, whenever I talk with her in that state of mind she is in, it sort of leaves me...sad. I don't know how to talk back to her and tell her how much it hurts my heart to hear her. How I feel like she is this incredible person, but yet the burdens of her life have twisted her up. I hear the frustration and sadness in her own words of F-this and F-that. She drinks everyday, a lot, but yet sees no problem with it. And our mother received a liver transplant last year why? Sure, she had hepititis, but she doesn't think the Bloodymary breakfasts' and Screwdriver chasers had anything to do with it?
I am just not sure what to say to her. I'll check my calendar in the morning.
Apparently, I am expected to be there for Christmas this year. I wasn't aware that I was, but my adoptive mom told everyone that I was going to be there. My sister wanted to know when. It wasn't an option or even a consideration that I had no plans to go and never said that I was. I called my mom last week and we did not even discuss Christmas at all. We talked weather, her health, her granddaughter and her trip to Panama. From what I could understand, they have already decided when we are going where and who we are going to go see. Ugh. It is hard to talk to her when every other word out of her mouth begins with the letter F. I just sort of sit back and let her go on about how I should tell my job to go suck a big one (I really didn't ask her to elaborate on what the "big one" was) and just take whatever time I want, off. She doesn't understand the depedency of a decent paying job, and the absolute value it has on a single parent. You put up with a lot of junk when you know it is better than the current alternatives. At any rate, whenever I talk with her in that state of mind she is in, it sort of leaves me...sad. I don't know how to talk back to her and tell her how much it hurts my heart to hear her. How I feel like she is this incredible person, but yet the burdens of her life have twisted her up. I hear the frustration and sadness in her own words of F-this and F-that. She drinks everyday, a lot, but yet sees no problem with it. And our mother received a liver transplant last year why? Sure, she had hepititis, but she doesn't think the Bloodymary breakfasts' and Screwdriver chasers had anything to do with it?
I am just not sure what to say to her. I'll check my calendar in the morning.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
B-Complex
How do you post a look?
A feeling not expressed in words, or a deep far reaching breath that only clarifies the vision of the confusion and muddled thoughts but doesn't solve them? How do you post the mis-understanding of truth, wisdom and future when there is only One that can understand it? How do you find an answer to what it is that you don't know you want? How do you write a story that is lived by one, heard by several and explained by none? How do you post the feeling of not knowing, the feeling of just getting through each day with what is expected but all the while yearning for what is wanted? How do you post the feeling that this is all there is, and while it can be very rewarding and the hope for more is ever present, something inside is just telling you, no, it can't happen for you? How do you write the explanation of appreciation for what you have when the pit of your stomach is telling you something is missing?
You don't.
A feeling not expressed in words, or a deep far reaching breath that only clarifies the vision of the confusion and muddled thoughts but doesn't solve them? How do you post the mis-understanding of truth, wisdom and future when there is only One that can understand it? How do you find an answer to what it is that you don't know you want? How do you write a story that is lived by one, heard by several and explained by none? How do you post the feeling of not knowing, the feeling of just getting through each day with what is expected but all the while yearning for what is wanted? How do you post the feeling that this is all there is, and while it can be very rewarding and the hope for more is ever present, something inside is just telling you, no, it can't happen for you? How do you write the explanation of appreciation for what you have when the pit of your stomach is telling you something is missing?
You don't.
Passages
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Invariable variety
Have I mentioned that I spoke with Noggin' on the phone the other day? And did I mention that she DID move to New York? Apparently, her plans changed. But she didn't want to tell my Boss the truth because, he would be upset. So, let me get this right? She used her mothers' and family horrific hurricane misfortune and experience for her personal gain? She led us to believe that she was so distraught over not being with her family in a time of such crisis that she just had to move back home, when, in actuality, she was moving to another state, completely different than what she told us, to be with a guy? Wow. I should have introduced her to Matt. Both of them use peoples' pain as spring boards to achieve their own personal agenda. She is young too, and we know how much he likes 'em that way.
Whoa...did you hear a growl in there? A hiss? Phhft!
I will be nice. It is just these types of people that really get under my skin. I feel like that poor guy on Smallville. Where he had small particles of meteor (Kryptonite) under his skin and would momentarily go into violent seizures as a result. His bodies way of trying to force the poison out of his system. You would think me fine that both of these people are now out of my life and that I would be thankful. I am, but at the same time, sad, about the disappointment of who they truly are.
Anyway, we now have a new girl in the office. She is seeming to be pretty awesome. We'll see how it goes.
NaNoWriMo still seems a bit untouchable for me. I wonder what I was ever thinking by joining. Apparently, I don't mind failure...
Whoa...did you hear a growl in there? A hiss? Phhft!
I will be nice. It is just these types of people that really get under my skin. I feel like that poor guy on Smallville. Where he had small particles of meteor (Kryptonite) under his skin and would momentarily go into violent seizures as a result. His bodies way of trying to force the poison out of his system. You would think me fine that both of these people are now out of my life and that I would be thankful. I am, but at the same time, sad, about the disappointment of who they truly are.
Anyway, we now have a new girl in the office. She is seeming to be pretty awesome. We'll see how it goes.
NaNoWriMo still seems a bit untouchable for me. I wonder what I was ever thinking by joining. Apparently, I don't mind failure...
Monday, November 07, 2005
Alaskan Feathers
I was asked today by the director of Boys and Girls club if Rachel could attend a challenge put on by the real estate companies here in Bend. They are trying to raise money and selected Rachel to be one of the spokes people for the club. I am so proud that they think my daughter is an awesome example of what the club can offer kids. She made Member of the Month for October in the learning/computer center. They are such an incredible reinforcement of self esteem within these children. They, these kids, are proud of themselves and realize that they can make a difference, however great or small, in a persons life and how important it is. I see first hand in my own child how much of a mark they make. Rachel is at an impressionable age. Her sense of self could fall in any direction at any moment. The B&G club is so aware of that. I feel really blessed that Rachel is a part of it...and truly loves it.
She is a little nervous about the whole affair. She also wanted to prepare something in advance to say but they prefer for her to be spontaneous. I can just see her now...giggling the whole time. She gets a little tongue tied when nervous...I have no idea where she gets that from. ;)
She is a little nervous about the whole affair. She also wanted to prepare something in advance to say but they prefer for her to be spontaneous. I can just see her now...giggling the whole time. She gets a little tongue tied when nervous...I have no idea where she gets that from. ;)
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Man of the House
He weighs in at nearly 20lbs and I have to use a small dogs collar to fit around his neck. He is sweet, loving, lazy, talkative and sometimes playful. When I adopted him at the Humane Society, he could fit in the palm of my hand. Abandoned, lonely and hungry, he came home with us three years ago this November.
Here is Ted watching TV in his usual position. All that's missing is the remote...
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Neck Ties and Nooses
(The only way to post onto Blogger today, has been to use email posts. They don't quite look the same, even with all my adjusting. As usual, I have sent inquiries to Blogger but I don't normally hear back from them other than that automated one. So, here is my post from this morning.)
After searching with much pain, I was able to find my Tiger Balm. But my heating pad is still lost in the never never land that is my closet. Where in the world is that thing? I think I am going to give up and just buy another. It hurts trying to dig through boxes and I am not even sure that is where I put it. The knots and pinched nerves that I had on my right side shoulder have now decided to relocate to the left side. My friend Debbie, is convinced that I have Fibroid Mayalsia (sp?). I, for one, think it is just stress and bad posture. :P Perhaps even a pinch (pardon the pun) of Thyroid dysfunction.
After listening to my Mom and what she is experiencing, I am realizing that may be part of my issues the past couple years. But I won't know until I go to the Dr. and since I don't have Med Insurance until January, I will have to deal with it. I had my Thyroid tested 4 years ago and the result was considered borderline dysfunction then. The scales have changed now and my test results 4 years ago would require treatment now. (actually I should have had treatment then but the Doc felt that borderline or really low function didn't warrant it. More of a personal opinion if you ask me, versus a medical one. And seeing how the Thyroid isn't going to correct and fix itself, I can only imagine what my Test scores would be now.) Thyroid can be hereditary, and part of me considers this experience with my Mom a blessing. Well, for me anyway. Although, I don't like seeing her difficulties and stress with the situation, I can take precaution for myself and try to avoid what she has dealt with for so long without correct diagnosis. It is a hard battle she is fighting, Thyroid affects so many parts of the body it is mind boggling (literally).
So aside from my personal health issues, which I don't really like to write about seeing as there isn't much I can do about them at this point, I joined NaNoWriMo. I can honestly say that my word count is at 0. A big fat 0. But I am going to try. Now if I can only figure out how to get the NaNoWriMo icon to appear on my page, I'll feel like I can get started. Flickr won't accept the image and my Hello hasn't been working in ages. Any help with that would be greatly appreciated.
After listening to my Mom and what she is experiencing, I am realizing that may be part of my issues the past couple years. But I won't know until I go to the Dr. and since I don't have Med Insurance until January, I will have to deal with it. I had my Thyroid tested 4 years ago and the result was considered borderline dysfunction then. The scales have changed now and my test results 4 years ago would require treatment now. (actually I should have had treatment then but the Doc felt that borderline or really low function didn't warrant it. More of a personal opinion if you ask me, versus a medical one. And seeing how the Thyroid isn't going to correct and fix itself, I can only imagine what my Test scores would be now.) Thyroid can be hereditary, and part of me considers this experience with my Mom a blessing. Well, for me anyway. Although, I don't like seeing her difficulties and stress with the situation, I can take precaution for myself and try to avoid what she has dealt with for so long without correct diagnosis. It is a hard battle she is fighting, Thyroid affects so many parts of the body it is mind boggling (literally).
So aside from my personal health issues, which I don't really like to write about seeing as there isn't much I can do about them at this point, I joined NaNoWriMo. I can honestly say that my word count is at 0. A big fat 0. But I am going to try. Now if I can only figure out how to get the NaNoWriMo icon to appear on my page, I'll feel like I can get started. Flickr won't accept the image and my Hello hasn't been working in ages. Any help with that would be greatly appreciated.
Friday, November 04, 2005
On the inside
The sun is shining today. Bright and beautiful. It has an amazing effect on ones attitude. And, I think because it is Friday! Yeehaw!
Last night I made the Many Can Soup that Tech recommended. It is soo good. Really good. It is like a vegetable chili, almost. And it was so easy to make. Rachel even ate it. (She isn't one for veggies) It was the perfect thing for what was a really cold, wet day here in Central Oregon. (Not advertising Frenzied...:P) I only had one bowl of it, but I think I ate about a bowl of it alone, while tasting it during cooking. Yummy... I am making my best friend, Debbie, eat it for lunch. She is working in the office with me today for some added help with administrative stuff. It is nice to have a friendly face by my side. I think I have just about talked her into starting a blog, too. :P
Hope it is a good day where-ever you are...
Last night I made the Many Can Soup that Tech recommended. It is soo good. Really good. It is like a vegetable chili, almost. And it was so easy to make. Rachel even ate it. (She isn't one for veggies) It was the perfect thing for what was a really cold, wet day here in Central Oregon. (Not advertising Frenzied...:P) I only had one bowl of it, but I think I ate about a bowl of it alone, while tasting it during cooking. Yummy... I am making my best friend, Debbie, eat it for lunch. She is working in the office with me today for some added help with administrative stuff. It is nice to have a friendly face by my side. I think I have just about talked her into starting a blog, too. :P
Hope it is a good day where-ever you are...
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Three Blind Mice
Time is the theme for Lensday this week. How appropriate. I wish I could capture one of those pictures in which it displays a blur of people passing, cars swooshing with the sound of the clock ticking in hyperspeed. It is how I feel this week. Hmmm...
I came in fourth this time. I am still floored that I am ranking up there with some really awesome photographers. Although, I did submit, for the Technology theme, a photo I had taken on one of my beach trips. So I feel like I cheated in a way. To me, once the theme is sent out to participants, that is when you should capture your piece for submission. Not dig out from your archives. But several do, I figured it was ok, and there is nothing that says in the rules that you can't. Besides, my camera has been sitting, lonely, on my desk, for a couple weeks now. That time thing...
Work is going and my boss spent several hours couped up in his office yesterday. Not much in the way of interacting with him. I was glad though.
Lunch date guy called the other day. I still can't seem to figure him out. He told me about his crabbing trip to the coast, how he is going to be gone for the next week for Navy reserves, and how when he gets back, he wants to take me on a bonafide "date". I think I am overanalyzing this one. He really is pretty nice, decent, taller than me and is only 39. lol
Tomorrow is Friday. Yeah God.
I came in fourth this time. I am still floored that I am ranking up there with some really awesome photographers. Although, I did submit, for the Technology theme, a photo I had taken on one of my beach trips. So I feel like I cheated in a way. To me, once the theme is sent out to participants, that is when you should capture your piece for submission. Not dig out from your archives. But several do, I figured it was ok, and there is nothing that says in the rules that you can't. Besides, my camera has been sitting, lonely, on my desk, for a couple weeks now. That time thing...
Work is going and my boss spent several hours couped up in his office yesterday. Not much in the way of interacting with him. I was glad though.
Lunch date guy called the other day. I still can't seem to figure him out. He told me about his crabbing trip to the coast, how he is going to be gone for the next week for Navy reserves, and how when he gets back, he wants to take me on a bonafide "date". I think I am overanalyzing this one. He really is pretty nice, decent, taller than me and is only 39. lol
Tomorrow is Friday. Yeah God.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
@%$^&* (I really couldn't think of any better title)
If my boss yells at me again...I am out the door. I sat here this morning contemplating how I could pull it off. How could I leave without a job to go to? I can't. But I sure as hell, thought of any possible way I could. I understand he is feeling the pressure. I understand that he is actually having to do some work that he normally, with a full staff, wouldn't have to do. He feels incompetent and embarrassed when he, as the Boss, doesn't have an answer for his client. But by no means, does that give him right to cut me down and step on me, to make himself feel better. I didnt' have anything to say to him after his rant. I simply left the office and walked across the lot to the grocery. I got myself some coffee and calmed down. Angela, one of the girls in the deli asked "Your eyes look a little watery today? Allergies?"
He came out and apologized later. But it is hard to take back words and let them just be forgotten once they have been said aloud, really loud. I am angry today...
Rachel asked me last night why I didn't just go back to school if I wanted to finish my college education? Well, I would like to. I would like to go back full time. But how can I and work full time and actually have time to take care of Rach? I don't see it happening. And she doesnt' like the idea of me being gone in the evenings or weekends when we have so little time together as it is. I tried, once, to get a grant to be reeducated in another field. Apparently, I tested too high and they said I was over qualified to get a college education. Does that make any sense to you? It was hard for me to get a grip on. I thought...ok...I don't make the kind of salary I could because I don't have a piece of paper that says I have a Bachelors degree, but yet the school says I am too smart to get the funding for the education to get one. I hate feeling held down. It suffocates me, and inertia inevitably sets in. Rachel then said, sensing my frustration with the topic, said "Well maybe you will marry a man that can send you back to college?" *sigh* Yet another sensitive subject...I just smiled and told her that the world just doesn't work like that.
I am looking forward to the clock hitting five.
(Oh and if Noggin' moved back to Louisiana, why did she tell our clients that she was moving to New York? Interesting...)
He came out and apologized later. But it is hard to take back words and let them just be forgotten once they have been said aloud, really loud. I am angry today...
Rachel asked me last night why I didn't just go back to school if I wanted to finish my college education? Well, I would like to. I would like to go back full time. But how can I and work full time and actually have time to take care of Rach? I don't see it happening. And she doesnt' like the idea of me being gone in the evenings or weekends when we have so little time together as it is. I tried, once, to get a grant to be reeducated in another field. Apparently, I tested too high and they said I was over qualified to get a college education. Does that make any sense to you? It was hard for me to get a grip on. I thought...ok...I don't make the kind of salary I could because I don't have a piece of paper that says I have a Bachelors degree, but yet the school says I am too smart to get the funding for the education to get one. I hate feeling held down. It suffocates me, and inertia inevitably sets in. Rachel then said, sensing my frustration with the topic, said "Well maybe you will marry a man that can send you back to college?" *sigh* Yet another sensitive subject...I just smiled and told her that the world just doesn't work like that.
I am looking forward to the clock hitting five.
(Oh and if Noggin' moved back to Louisiana, why did she tell our clients that she was moving to New York? Interesting...)
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