I went to private school from Kindergarten through Second grade. It was a Christian Private, with grades complete through High School. Every Tuesday we would attend services, as a whole, to sing and praise and listen to the weeks message. I don't remember the messages, only the songs and music. Two, in particular. One was, He's Got The Whole World in His Hands (It was the Seventies...early Seventies). I remember this one because it was incredibly repetitive. I thought...again? We are singing it again? Ugh...
The other? Was my favorite. I would sing it to myself at night in my bed. The words dancing through my mind, the bars of the music trying to hold them in some sort of structure. I wondered how immense He was...and how small I am. The song so simple, yet the meaning, apparently, so complex the world still struggles to understand it. And, because it is misunderstood...it is pushed away.
I haven't spoken much about my sister growing up, Denise. It is an interesting relationship. When we were younger, we were (and still are) polar opposites. She was so much the "Tom Boy" and I was about as girlie as you can get. I loved everything feminine, pretty and anything to do with nurturing. My sister, loved Tonka Trucks, dirt and Ants. Needless to say, we didn't Bond much. We are still on different ends of the spectrum, lifestyle wise. But I would like to say how much I respect her, love her and appreciate all that she is doing right now. She has been there for me through many hard times. Not so much emotionally...but in the way she knows how. And you have to respect and honor someone that does.
I am blessed with so many awesome people in my life. Even the ones...that disappoint, have meaning.
Jesus Love Me. This, I know.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Look! It's me...sorta...
My Bloginality is INTP!
Personality
Relationships (Ha! an explanation to my lack thereof)
Yeah, ok, so I am bored. I worked out like a crazy woman tonight...I am sweaty, tired and ummm....need peanut butter? :p
The only drawback to singledom I really can't stand...
Personality
Relationships (Ha! an explanation to my lack thereof)
Yeah, ok, so I am bored. I worked out like a crazy woman tonight...I am sweaty, tired and ummm....need peanut butter? :p
The only drawback to singledom I really can't stand...
Breathing
Amen...and Amen
My Daily OM
Being Truly Free
Letting Go
There is tremendous freedom in letting go. It is liberation to free ourselves of things that clutter our lives; too many possessions, useless emotions, unhealthy habits, old beliefs, even people that drain our energy. All of these things and more can weigh us down. Every once in awhile it's good to "clean out our closets" literally and figuratively.
Like pruning dead branches or like a snake shedding an old skin, we need to let go of the what no longer serves or what no longer fits, so that there is room for something new, alive, and what is needed at this time in our lives. Yet, we are a possessive society. We often hold on to things, feelings, and relationships out of habit or, many times, out of fear of being without. For so much of learning to let go is about learning to trust. We have to be able to trust that, indeed, new branches will grow, that there is a new skin under the old one. And yet, to the degree that we are willing to let go, we are able to receive. When we stop holding on and clinging to anything, we realize we have everything.
For in reality, we really own nothing. Certainly, we don't own people. Our spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, children are not really "ours." Even if we own the title to our house or car, such possessions can be gone in a moment, taken by a natural disaster, an accident, or financial circumstances. Native Americans could not grasp the European concept of "owning" land, anymore than one can own the sky. For everything belongs to the universe, as even we do. When we allow ourselves to rethink our sense of "ownership," it is easier to let go. We no longer need to feel burdened by the responsibility of having to hold on to something. Rethink the value of a prized book collection, a coveted job, and feelings for an old flame. Perhaps it isn't necessary to physically get rid of something, but letting go of the power that a person, ideology, or material object possesses is truly freeing.
My Daily OM
Being Truly Free
Letting Go
There is tremendous freedom in letting go. It is liberation to free ourselves of things that clutter our lives; too many possessions, useless emotions, unhealthy habits, old beliefs, even people that drain our energy. All of these things and more can weigh us down. Every once in awhile it's good to "clean out our closets" literally and figuratively.
Like pruning dead branches or like a snake shedding an old skin, we need to let go of the what no longer serves or what no longer fits, so that there is room for something new, alive, and what is needed at this time in our lives. Yet, we are a possessive society. We often hold on to things, feelings, and relationships out of habit or, many times, out of fear of being without. For so much of learning to let go is about learning to trust. We have to be able to trust that, indeed, new branches will grow, that there is a new skin under the old one. And yet, to the degree that we are willing to let go, we are able to receive. When we stop holding on and clinging to anything, we realize we have everything.
For in reality, we really own nothing. Certainly, we don't own people. Our spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, children are not really "ours." Even if we own the title to our house or car, such possessions can be gone in a moment, taken by a natural disaster, an accident, or financial circumstances. Native Americans could not grasp the European concept of "owning" land, anymore than one can own the sky. For everything belongs to the universe, as even we do. When we allow ourselves to rethink our sense of "ownership," it is easier to let go. We no longer need to feel burdened by the responsibility of having to hold on to something. Rethink the value of a prized book collection, a coveted job, and feelings for an old flame. Perhaps it isn't necessary to physically get rid of something, but letting go of the power that a person, ideology, or material object possesses is truly freeing.
Proud of me too
I am sorry....but I can hardly contain myself. I am giddy...and for a very odd reason.
I think I just wrote about how if I saw him on the street or about town, how nice I would be. Well I was. His "girl" (I emphasize the word girl) was waving at us. Ha!! All cause my daughters best friend was in the front seat of my car with her swimming goggles on. How funny his girlfriend found this apparently. Oh....how I wanted to say something. Roll down the window and blurt the nastiest things...but I didn't :D. In fact, I waved and even blew some kisses his way. He wouldn't acknowledge me at all... Nothing new there...
Did I like seeing him with her? nope. But what can I do? I have said what I know...feel...see...but it is for him to experience and I have never been more sure that he will. All the best Matt....and if you find yourself needing to talk with someone...I am here.
Queue fade of goofy laughter....
I think I just wrote about how if I saw him on the street or about town, how nice I would be. Well I was. His "girl" (I emphasize the word girl) was waving at us. Ha!! All cause my daughters best friend was in the front seat of my car with her swimming goggles on. How funny his girlfriend found this apparently. Oh....how I wanted to say something. Roll down the window and blurt the nastiest things...but I didn't :D. In fact, I waved and even blew some kisses his way. He wouldn't acknowledge me at all... Nothing new there...
Did I like seeing him with her? nope. But what can I do? I have said what I know...feel...see...but it is for him to experience and I have never been more sure that he will. All the best Matt....and if you find yourself needing to talk with someone...I am here.
Queue fade of goofy laughter....
Unwrapped
Well, I was sitting here thinking about which topic to ramble about, the snow spittin' from the sky yet Again this morning (grr...I need the sun don't ya know?), or the new bathing suit I got for my daughter, last night, since she has joined the swim team (An oxygen tank was needed after I saw the prices of these little pieces of spandex...good Lord), but as I was thinking on this stuff, I received an email from my little sis, Sarah.
She sent pictures of her amazing, beautiful, abso-freaking-lutely (pimped from mom) adorable babies. You can see, by looking at her children, what wonderful parents they are. My nephew, Aden, is full of spirit, joy, and gumption. Gracie, my niece, is as damn close to an angel as I ever saw. (well aside from my daughter, of course :p) I am so glad she thinks of me when sending out these moments shared in her home.
Makes my day....I swear.
She sent pictures of her amazing, beautiful, abso-freaking-lutely (pimped from mom) adorable babies. You can see, by looking at her children, what wonderful parents they are. My nephew, Aden, is full of spirit, joy, and gumption. Gracie, my niece, is as damn close to an angel as I ever saw. (well aside from my daughter, of course :p) I am so glad she thinks of me when sending out these moments shared in her home.
Makes my day....I swear.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
The slate
Once again, I don't know where I am going with this. I woke up early again this morning and feel like I need to get this stuff out of my head.
My thoughts lately, have been riddled with the past and trying to get back to now. I am distracted, unmotivated and lacking some serious inspiration. My emotional stability has been teatering on the border of normal daily function and I don't know what. I have been just going through the motions and walking on egg shells within my own self. Am I some psycho about to blow and lose it? No. It just has been a tough time for me and I am working through it. An example would be Easter. While at my folks' house, I was having a cup of coffee. I was bumped into and the coffee spilled all over my sweater. I was fine at first, but while trying to wipe it off I broke into tears. ? It had nothing to do with the spill, I am just on edge and need to get myself to some solid ground.
I tend to do things wholeheartedly. I put all of myself into something I believe in. Sometimes, all those things at once. No one can function daily, for a long period of time, when they spread themselves so thin. Something gets neglected, such as my home, when you do that. So, I have been thinking of ways to simplify and be able to transition from work to home and back again. A big part of this is my attitude. I can't let myself be thought ridden over something I can't change, can't "fix", or even get some sort of understanding on to validate it. I need to be satisfied, in my own self, that I know what was right and is, for me.
And so...let me make some issues clear and put them in their place.
Matt, (this one is hard, and I will sincerely try to put some clarity here) I know that a big part of my hurt here is because I still care for this person. In a deep way. Ok fine...I still have love for him. Yeesh..make me say it why don't ya? :P So getting past all the stuff has been hard. But my realization has been, that because I still feel this way then I need to forgive. I am forgiving it. I know full well that I had my own issues at the time and I certainly don't mean to put all the fault on him. A huge part of it, yes...but not all. I played my part. It was difficult for me to understand the actions, when I had, for so long, cared so much for him. Even through my last marriage my thoughts would go to him and if he was happy. I like to think that if you treat others the way you would like to be treated, then they will naturally do the same. It isn't so. And it taught me a big lesson in humanity. Even the people, that you think only the best capable, can let you down. And show you what they are truly about. It has made me so sad to have to think this way about someone I saw and believed to be more. I don't expect you to understand my feeling and how deep it runs. Soemtimes, emotions don't have a word to describe. But that doesn't give them any less hold or meaning. I am trying to be honest here...I can't say that I am not going to revisit it again. Hurtful memories like to creep back up on you when your not lookin'. I am trying to be realistic here too. But I can say that, if i should see him on the street or about town, then a simple hello and smile will be all I will snap back with. No harsh words or digs, I promise.
Work and Noggin'. My mom has prayed with me that she reveal herself. That the flirty, southern charm she emits when around a man, 25 years or younger or my boss, be nothing but a thin sheath over her true self. (One that she definitly shows to me) God is faithful I must say. (Even if the answers aren't what you seek, see paragraph before). The pile of stuff I am still trying to sift through and worries me? Will get done. Even if I have to tell the intern to get out of my face and leave me be. His constant questioning and getting in my face is taking it's toll on my production. I need to get this stuff done, period. He was going on and on yesterday about how well we jive. Yeah it is great that we get along so well. He said he wants to find someone for his office just like me. That is great too, and just so you know...my loyalty is with my Current employer. Noggin', however...is up for grabs. ;) Let me open the door....
Right, so now I have taken too long and need to get ready for work...my alarm clock went off about an hour ago and has been going off in the distance.
My thoughts lately, have been riddled with the past and trying to get back to now. I am distracted, unmotivated and lacking some serious inspiration. My emotional stability has been teatering on the border of normal daily function and I don't know what. I have been just going through the motions and walking on egg shells within my own self. Am I some psycho about to blow and lose it? No. It just has been a tough time for me and I am working through it. An example would be Easter. While at my folks' house, I was having a cup of coffee. I was bumped into and the coffee spilled all over my sweater. I was fine at first, but while trying to wipe it off I broke into tears. ? It had nothing to do with the spill, I am just on edge and need to get myself to some solid ground.
I tend to do things wholeheartedly. I put all of myself into something I believe in. Sometimes, all those things at once. No one can function daily, for a long period of time, when they spread themselves so thin. Something gets neglected, such as my home, when you do that. So, I have been thinking of ways to simplify and be able to transition from work to home and back again. A big part of this is my attitude. I can't let myself be thought ridden over something I can't change, can't "fix", or even get some sort of understanding on to validate it. I need to be satisfied, in my own self, that I know what was right and is, for me.
And so...let me make some issues clear and put them in their place.
Matt, (this one is hard, and I will sincerely try to put some clarity here) I know that a big part of my hurt here is because I still care for this person. In a deep way. Ok fine...I still have love for him. Yeesh..make me say it why don't ya? :P So getting past all the stuff has been hard. But my realization has been, that because I still feel this way then I need to forgive. I am forgiving it. I know full well that I had my own issues at the time and I certainly don't mean to put all the fault on him. A huge part of it, yes...but not all. I played my part. It was difficult for me to understand the actions, when I had, for so long, cared so much for him. Even through my last marriage my thoughts would go to him and if he was happy. I like to think that if you treat others the way you would like to be treated, then they will naturally do the same. It isn't so. And it taught me a big lesson in humanity. Even the people, that you think only the best capable, can let you down. And show you what they are truly about. It has made me so sad to have to think this way about someone I saw and believed to be more. I don't expect you to understand my feeling and how deep it runs. Soemtimes, emotions don't have a word to describe. But that doesn't give them any less hold or meaning. I am trying to be honest here...I can't say that I am not going to revisit it again. Hurtful memories like to creep back up on you when your not lookin'. I am trying to be realistic here too. But I can say that, if i should see him on the street or about town, then a simple hello and smile will be all I will snap back with. No harsh words or digs, I promise.
Work and Noggin'. My mom has prayed with me that she reveal herself. That the flirty, southern charm she emits when around a man, 25 years or younger or my boss, be nothing but a thin sheath over her true self. (One that she definitly shows to me) God is faithful I must say. (Even if the answers aren't what you seek, see paragraph before). The pile of stuff I am still trying to sift through and worries me? Will get done. Even if I have to tell the intern to get out of my face and leave me be. His constant questioning and getting in my face is taking it's toll on my production. I need to get this stuff done, period. He was going on and on yesterday about how well we jive. Yeah it is great that we get along so well. He said he wants to find someone for his office just like me. That is great too, and just so you know...my loyalty is with my Current employer. Noggin', however...is up for grabs. ;) Let me open the door....
Right, so now I have taken too long and need to get ready for work...my alarm clock went off about an hour ago and has been going off in the distance.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Blue Ribbon
Ever have one of those mornings, where you wake at some un-Godly hour and your body isn't fully functioning but you can't turn your mind off? That was me...4am this morning. There was so much racing through my brain, I thought it might explode...or implode. I dunno. I finally settled my thoughts down by sorting through one by one and coming to resolution with each. Well, resolution on some. There are a few I don't think I will ever find closure or answers. Those particular ones get filed at the bottom of the stack. I will come to it eventually, I am sure.
It is quiet here right now. My boss is gone...the intern hasn't arrived yet and the phones seem to be hybernating for a Monday. Yes. I like it. I have already accomplished a lot this morning, giving me, this well earned break.
Easter was great. Church, was fantastic. I would say that about half the congregation is built of other deflectors from another large Church in the area. I won't go into reasons for the deflections, but they were well warranted. At any rate, I was amazed at the quality of production they have morphed into. Impressive and so many talented individuals coming together as one. My mom made an awesome dinner as usual. The kids played and ran about.
On a sad note, I received a call from my Mom in California. My uncle Teddy passed on Friday. She was angry that she couldn't get hold of me till yesterday. Ya know...the guilt thing? I explained how busy I have been, and then checked my caller ID cause she said she called constantly. Not a single call from her. Hmmm. But my emotion about his passing was almost nonexistant. Which strikes me as odd. He was the husband to my Aunt Anna. The one my daughter is named after. I adored the woman. Before I came to know my birth mother...I had secretly wished that she had been the one to adopt me. I know that sounds harsh in respect to my adopted mom. Too many reasons to list and the fact that i wished such a thing doesn't mean that I didn't respect what my parents gave me, in the best way they knew how. I did...and do. The lack of emotion, perhaps had to do with the fact that i didn't really know him. I have no memories of talking or sharing with him. Simply his face and seeing him around at family functions, are all the memory I can conjure. I feel for his sons, my cousins, and hope that their loss moves swiftly and they can be a peace knowing he is still close in their hearts.
Other than all of that stuff, I have a lot on my mind. Nothing I can put into words right now but am working on it. So much to say, to set free and let be known. But...all in good time I am sure.
It is quiet here right now. My boss is gone...the intern hasn't arrived yet and the phones seem to be hybernating for a Monday. Yes. I like it. I have already accomplished a lot this morning, giving me, this well earned break.
Easter was great. Church, was fantastic. I would say that about half the congregation is built of other deflectors from another large Church in the area. I won't go into reasons for the deflections, but they were well warranted. At any rate, I was amazed at the quality of production they have morphed into. Impressive and so many talented individuals coming together as one. My mom made an awesome dinner as usual. The kids played and ran about.
On a sad note, I received a call from my Mom in California. My uncle Teddy passed on Friday. She was angry that she couldn't get hold of me till yesterday. Ya know...the guilt thing? I explained how busy I have been, and then checked my caller ID cause she said she called constantly. Not a single call from her. Hmmm. But my emotion about his passing was almost nonexistant. Which strikes me as odd. He was the husband to my Aunt Anna. The one my daughter is named after. I adored the woman. Before I came to know my birth mother...I had secretly wished that she had been the one to adopt me. I know that sounds harsh in respect to my adopted mom. Too many reasons to list and the fact that i wished such a thing doesn't mean that I didn't respect what my parents gave me, in the best way they knew how. I did...and do. The lack of emotion, perhaps had to do with the fact that i didn't really know him. I have no memories of talking or sharing with him. Simply his face and seeing him around at family functions, are all the memory I can conjure. I feel for his sons, my cousins, and hope that their loss moves swiftly and they can be a peace knowing he is still close in their hearts.
Other than all of that stuff, I have a lot on my mind. Nothing I can put into words right now but am working on it. So much to say, to set free and let be known. But...all in good time I am sure.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Christos Anesti!
Growing up...I had platinum blonde curly hair, blue eyes and very fair skin. Yet my siblings were raven haired, with an olive complextion. I grew up in a Greek and Italian home. I stood out like a sore thumb... But I enjoyed the culture I was raised in. "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" hits it right on the nose. It is just like that...and oh so much fun. Of course, being the "different" one my experience was a little off the norm. They are big on "blood" relations, and I wasn't. (neither was my sister but she seemed to blend a bit better than me) At any rate, my adopted parents weren't into religion at all. But when it came to Easter? We celebrated. Not because of what it stood for, but because of the events (and Ouzo). Greek Orthodox (Catholicism) Easter, doesn't fall on the traditional day, such as tomorrow. This year, I believe it is on May 1st. And what the hoopla they will put on.
I remember traveling, to some sort of Fair Ground in California to partake. A huge place filled with the cultures music, food and people. I remember being awestruck at how friendly and how these people could be so welcoming simply because you were of the same persuasion. Such a connection. I, also, remember wondering what it must feel like. To have that. Since, I knew I wasn't truly one of them. Anyway, there were some good times...
Tomorrow, I will be celebrating a more traditional, or, rather, a more Christian way of Easter, (One that I have come to believe.) Morning service, watching the kids play and hunt eggs, and dinnner with the fam. Good times too...and now I know what it feels like to belong.
Regardless of how you celebrate and even why you do, the meaning of this time is the same.
New beginnings...
"Kalo Pashcha!"
(A Beautiful Easter to you!)
I remember traveling, to some sort of Fair Ground in California to partake. A huge place filled with the cultures music, food and people. I remember being awestruck at how friendly and how these people could be so welcoming simply because you were of the same persuasion. Such a connection. I, also, remember wondering what it must feel like. To have that. Since, I knew I wasn't truly one of them. Anyway, there were some good times...
Tomorrow, I will be celebrating a more traditional, or, rather, a more Christian way of Easter, (One that I have come to believe.) Morning service, watching the kids play and hunt eggs, and dinnner with the fam. Good times too...and now I know what it feels like to belong.
Regardless of how you celebrate and even why you do, the meaning of this time is the same.
New beginnings...
"Kalo Pashcha!"
(A Beautiful Easter to you!)
Friday, March 25, 2005
Red ball bouncing
I have these times when I find myself contemplative. Not so much sad...just deep in thought. I reflect on the people in my life present, past and possible future. Although I try, mightily, not to look into the future. The future and my hopes and dreams bring me down to earth, inevitibly, as to where I am now. And now is what counts. And now isn't so great.
I have been seeking, with great desire, how to forgive. And I am not talking about blowing off something insubstantial. I mean something that wrecks you down to the core of your being. To what some might call unforgivable, depending on your perspective. It may not seem so deep and meaningful to some, they may truly believe and feel it to be not much at all. But they aren't the one that experienced it and or have your own personal way of thinking. At any rate, I need to learn forgiveness. Truly, honestly and deeply. I think of all the reasons why I shouldn't. And then all the reasons why I should. I think upon, that if this person had asked forgiveness about what was done to me of God? He surely would have it. No questions asked. It is there for the taking. I think that I should be able to do the same. If He can..they why shouldn't I be able to as well. All I can think is that...I am not God. I am Michelle...human, fleshy, mistake ridden me. I wonder, that this may be the one thing that is holding me back. If I can forgive, I can be free of it. But how? How truly does one do that and mean it deep within? I have tried and said to myself that I do...but honestly? (and ya'll know I am) I don't forgive it. And how many times can one say they are sorry? Until they get it right.
I don't preach. At least I don't think I do. I am sure...someone would tell me differently. If someone questions me on my Faith, then I will gladly answer. Faith is about choice. Why were we given human will? To make the choice to believe. How much honor does it give to choose Him out of our own desire? Quite a bit, if you ask me. I don't throw scripture to anyone but myself. And I don't appreciate it when someone does to me, because as it says... those in glass houses should not throw stones. (metaphorically) (I am not going to quote the exact scripture cause I just said I don't do that...ok ok John 8:6) Anyway, in example, would be Mag Bast. Hello? Like I don't know who you are. And you are quoting this particular scripture to me? Maybe, just maybe, you have been forgiven. Maybe you have stooped lower than you normally function and asked for it to be given. Great. I am happy for you. What a great step towards the right direction for you. Truly and sincerely, that is awesome. It is always a blessing when someone can be humbled in such a way. But it doesn't take it away for me. It doesn't help me deal with what transpired. I am bothered that here this person has possibly made some sort of step towards making things right and is thriving, while I stay behind, still trying to work through it. I was the one treated bad and wronged but yet I am the one stagnant. I thought today about how if I could only treat people in such a fashion then maybe I would move forward. Be hateful Michelle...be uncaring and superficial, be greedy and selfish and just maybe you will win over all. It would seem to work for most. (Yeah I know..I am "here" again. Sorry...)
I know I can't do that. I know that it just isn't my makeup as a person to be that way. I know that what I say here now is contradictory to how I feel about this person. I know that I am not only angry about what transpired with this person, that I am also angry that my prayers feel unheard. I am blind to whatever answers may have been given, even though discernment is requested daily. There are a lot of things I know. I have been told, I have read and I have listened. But I still feel at a loss.
I have been seeking, with great desire, how to forgive. And I am not talking about blowing off something insubstantial. I mean something that wrecks you down to the core of your being. To what some might call unforgivable, depending on your perspective. It may not seem so deep and meaningful to some, they may truly believe and feel it to be not much at all. But they aren't the one that experienced it and or have your own personal way of thinking. At any rate, I need to learn forgiveness. Truly, honestly and deeply. I think of all the reasons why I shouldn't. And then all the reasons why I should. I think upon, that if this person had asked forgiveness about what was done to me of God? He surely would have it. No questions asked. It is there for the taking. I think that I should be able to do the same. If He can..they why shouldn't I be able to as well. All I can think is that...I am not God. I am Michelle...human, fleshy, mistake ridden me. I wonder, that this may be the one thing that is holding me back. If I can forgive, I can be free of it. But how? How truly does one do that and mean it deep within? I have tried and said to myself that I do...but honestly? (and ya'll know I am) I don't forgive it. And how many times can one say they are sorry? Until they get it right.
I don't preach. At least I don't think I do. I am sure...someone would tell me differently. If someone questions me on my Faith, then I will gladly answer. Faith is about choice. Why were we given human will? To make the choice to believe. How much honor does it give to choose Him out of our own desire? Quite a bit, if you ask me. I don't throw scripture to anyone but myself. And I don't appreciate it when someone does to me, because as it says... those in glass houses should not throw stones. (metaphorically) (I am not going to quote the exact scripture cause I just said I don't do that...ok ok John 8:6) Anyway, in example, would be Mag Bast. Hello? Like I don't know who you are. And you are quoting this particular scripture to me? Maybe, just maybe, you have been forgiven. Maybe you have stooped lower than you normally function and asked for it to be given. Great. I am happy for you. What a great step towards the right direction for you. Truly and sincerely, that is awesome. It is always a blessing when someone can be humbled in such a way. But it doesn't take it away for me. It doesn't help me deal with what transpired. I am bothered that here this person has possibly made some sort of step towards making things right and is thriving, while I stay behind, still trying to work through it. I was the one treated bad and wronged but yet I am the one stagnant. I thought today about how if I could only treat people in such a fashion then maybe I would move forward. Be hateful Michelle...be uncaring and superficial, be greedy and selfish and just maybe you will win over all. It would seem to work for most. (Yeah I know..I am "here" again. Sorry...)
I know I can't do that. I know that it just isn't my makeup as a person to be that way. I know that what I say here now is contradictory to how I feel about this person. I know that I am not only angry about what transpired with this person, that I am also angry that my prayers feel unheard. I am blind to whatever answers may have been given, even though discernment is requested daily. There are a lot of things I know. I have been told, I have read and I have listened. But I still feel at a loss.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
It skips
he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. why can't I he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. is it just me he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. my fools paradise he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. or some destiny he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget. he doesn't get it, just forget...
I have a headache
The intern is back. And, man, is he there.
Intern: "Michelle...I am so glad you are here and back from your time off. I am sooo eager to Learn. Do you mind if I sit next to you?"
Michelle: *insert thought bubble* Yeah I am pretty "eager" for some things myself, but you don't see me up in his face, do ya?
Beware folks' she is out of peanut butter. And a'feisty she is.
I think God should have matched my sex drive with the fact that I can't seem to have a relationship.
This, is driving me crazy.
Intern: "Michelle...I am so glad you are here and back from your time off. I am sooo eager to Learn. Do you mind if I sit next to you?"
Michelle: *insert thought bubble* Yeah I am pretty "eager" for some things myself, but you don't see me up in his face, do ya?
Beware folks' she is out of peanut butter. And a'feisty she is.
I think God should have matched my sex drive with the fact that I can't seem to have a relationship.
This, is driving me crazy.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Hmmmph
You know those emails that ya get, where there is a list of questions and you have to forward your answers etc? It begins asking about likes, dislikes, what you want and don't. Then it finishes up with the question of the Most Likely to send this back and the Least.
>20. WHO'S LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Michelle
Yes Ed, for the many times I have told you that you were wrong about how I was feeling and what I wanted...let me give you this...
You are right.
>20. WHO'S LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Michelle
Yes Ed, for the many times I have told you that you were wrong about how I was feeling and what I wanted...let me give you this...
You are right.
Flyin' over the Hump
Hmm. I remember starting my day. I tried to use my house key, again, to open up the office this morning, but the rest is a blur. I feel like nothing was accomplished but yet I was so busy today I couldn't take a moment to go to the restroom. (like you needed to know about that!) I was telling a friend of mine, in an email tonight, that even though I feel so much pressure at work it gets a little overwhelming, that I really like the fact that I am needed and that I do make a difference. Me. Michelle...the really smart, attractive one. (inside joke) :p I like being needed. I know, I already said that. I just do though. If I care for you....I will do whatever you need, whenever. It is the way I show it.
My daughter and I talked about buying another home. A larger one. I am paying down my debt. I actually have my last payment this month and then I can concentrate on paying down my house. This one is small. But I don't have enough equity to sell it and buy another. I am thinking a year. She is 10...and is thinking tomorrow. I wish I was 10 sometimes.
What is the name of that book? The one that talks about the different ways in which people show love or whatnot? Some are givers, some say it with words, some physically and some with gifts. Something like that. I don't have the energy to look it up. :p Anyway, I guess I am one of those giver people. But I have a problem when people do that with me. I like the words and the physical. Don't buy me anything...don't try to take care of me. I can do all that myself. But the words...followed by some..umm..physical? is perfect. Just mean it when you do it.
Right. I'd better move along to some other thing to occupy my time. This is going somewhere...I just don't need to go.
My daughter and I talked about buying another home. A larger one. I am paying down my debt. I actually have my last payment this month and then I can concentrate on paying down my house. This one is small. But I don't have enough equity to sell it and buy another. I am thinking a year. She is 10...and is thinking tomorrow. I wish I was 10 sometimes.
What is the name of that book? The one that talks about the different ways in which people show love or whatnot? Some are givers, some say it with words, some physically and some with gifts. Something like that. I don't have the energy to look it up. :p Anyway, I guess I am one of those giver people. But I have a problem when people do that with me. I like the words and the physical. Don't buy me anything...don't try to take care of me. I can do all that myself. But the words...followed by some..umm..physical? is perfect. Just mean it when you do it.
Right. I'd better move along to some other thing to occupy my time. This is going somewhere...I just don't need to go.
Take the time
A lot of personal opinion has been reflected on this situation. It's turned political. Frankly, I am not so sure I wouldn't take the same measures if it were my own child.
Educate yourself, before you draw your own conclusions.
Myths about Terri Schiavo
Questionable to say the least
Read on...
Starve my child? Never. Frankly, if I needed someone to speak for me? I would prefer someone that had my best interests at heart. Not their own.
Educate yourself, before you draw your own conclusions.
Myths about Terri Schiavo
Questionable to say the least
Read on...
Starve my child? Never. Frankly, if I needed someone to speak for me? I would prefer someone that had my best interests at heart. Not their own.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
All good things...
I am back to work tomorrow. Not a single phone call did I receive. 'Course, My phone line has been pretty tied up. Somewhat, intentionally. It worries me, though. I wonder what disaster I may find, questions and piles of papers lay on my desk. Perhaps, nothing. I chuckle at the thought. :p My mom asked me today if I managed to resist. (calling work etc) I did, she was proud.
I suppose I am ready to head back. But it went too quick. I enjoyed my time with Rachel. We had fun, watched movies, played vid games, talked, laughed and took pictures. We watched the video of her christmas program today. She was too cute...and the back of the womans head that kept standing in front of me. Nice hair...
Picasa is fun. I have so many programs for video and photos, but I like this one so far. My pics look much better before I upload them to Hello...loses something in the translation. Hmmm anyway...
I feel weird. The whole emotional honesty thing and saying what I did earlier. No censorship. It is what it is. I had this sense of dread that someone, somewhere, was going to give me the lecture about letting go. Let me say now...Don't. I have, I think, given up the possibility of him feeling the same or taking the chance to. But that doesn't change the fact that I feel it and want it. I am not "pining" or any of the other cliche comments I can think of. This is different and for me to put a name or label or some sort of explanation is beyond my abilities and knowledge. Believe you me, it is frustrating.
I suppose I am ready to head back. But it went too quick. I enjoyed my time with Rachel. We had fun, watched movies, played vid games, talked, laughed and took pictures. We watched the video of her christmas program today. She was too cute...and the back of the womans head that kept standing in front of me. Nice hair...
Picasa is fun. I have so many programs for video and photos, but I like this one so far. My pics look much better before I upload them to Hello...loses something in the translation. Hmmm anyway...
I feel weird. The whole emotional honesty thing and saying what I did earlier. No censorship. It is what it is. I had this sense of dread that someone, somewhere, was going to give me the lecture about letting go. Let me say now...Don't. I have, I think, given up the possibility of him feeling the same or taking the chance to. But that doesn't change the fact that I feel it and want it. I am not "pining" or any of the other cliche comments I can think of. This is different and for me to put a name or label or some sort of explanation is beyond my abilities and knowledge. Believe you me, it is frustrating.
Please don't squeeze
Spring in Bloom
Shakespeare's metaphors danced within it, Alanis Morrissette wrote a song that didn't contain any of it-the song itself was It, and people have used it for years to slap a label on something that just felt like crap (me included).
The song, to use an example, and the album itself was about emotional honesty. Coming to terms with real feelings and acknowledging them. I have been striving to do this for a bit now. Letting my real feelings be known, although with a backfire or two. It happens...it sucks. At least, I can say I was honest and said what I truly felt.
My friednship with CJ this last year, was an example of that, for me. He, on the other hand, struggled with honesty. If he was really honest with me from the start, then he knows I wouldn't have stuck around for the few months I did. He said he didn't want me to go, but he didn't want the same things as me. Well, you can't have your cake and eat it too. It's just the way it is. And it sucks.
Matt, the guy I have so much trouble in forgiving? I could forgive. If he could give me that chance he said he never did. For me, admitting that I would try is a hard thing to do. It scares me to admit to myself that I would try in a heart beat. I feel weak, foolish. But how much of that is my fear or a knowing of what would be good? How do I know it would be good? I just do. One of those things I just "know". Friends, family ask me how I could feel something for someone that treated me the way he did. I don't know. I can't explain it cause I haven't ever felt this way before. I don't have a lesson or example to rationalize it. Thus, my question of foolishness. I am sure I am a closed issue in his mind. Perhaps even, a mistake. It's just the way it is. And it sucks.
I broke down and asked for Gmail. It is another outside email account. I have several I hardly use as it is. Now what do I do with it?
Shakespeare's metaphors danced within it, Alanis Morrissette wrote a song that didn't contain any of it-the song itself was It, and people have used it for years to slap a label on something that just felt like crap (me included).
Irony - 1 : a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other's false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning -- called also Socratic irony
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play -- called also dramatic irony, tragic irony
The song, to use an example, and the album itself was about emotional honesty. Coming to terms with real feelings and acknowledging them. I have been striving to do this for a bit now. Letting my real feelings be known, although with a backfire or two. It happens...it sucks. At least, I can say I was honest and said what I truly felt.
My friednship with CJ this last year, was an example of that, for me. He, on the other hand, struggled with honesty. If he was really honest with me from the start, then he knows I wouldn't have stuck around for the few months I did. He said he didn't want me to go, but he didn't want the same things as me. Well, you can't have your cake and eat it too. It's just the way it is. And it sucks.
Matt, the guy I have so much trouble in forgiving? I could forgive. If he could give me that chance he said he never did. For me, admitting that I would try is a hard thing to do. It scares me to admit to myself that I would try in a heart beat. I feel weak, foolish. But how much of that is my fear or a knowing of what would be good? How do I know it would be good? I just do. One of those things I just "know". Friends, family ask me how I could feel something for someone that treated me the way he did. I don't know. I can't explain it cause I haven't ever felt this way before. I don't have a lesson or example to rationalize it. Thus, my question of foolishness. I am sure I am a closed issue in his mind. Perhaps even, a mistake. It's just the way it is. And it sucks.
I broke down and asked for Gmail. It is another outside email account. I have several I hardly use as it is. Now what do I do with it?
Monday, March 21, 2005
Do the edges first...
I know Blogger and Hello are having difficulties. I consider myself a patient person and how can you really complain about a service that is free? I am thankful for the service they provide and the abilities they allow me. But I have to say, it is a little frustrating when you can't even post comments to your page, much less anyone elses. I have photos I would like to upload, but has been impossible to do so. I hope they are able to fix or find resolution, to whatever issues they may be having. They, blogging gurus, give us what we crave most...To be heard, validated (or reprimanded), and a feeling of making a difference within our own individual worlds. And all for the cost of our own precious time.
So, in regards to comments and email sent recently. Thank you for visiting, commenting and I hope you will stop by often.
I am finding it odd this morning. It is Monday. At this time you would find me running about, getting myself ready, my daughter, for what would be a full day of doing for others. Other days I have taken off, were for various needy reasons. My daughter is sick, I am way too sick to go in (although usually I just deal with being sick at work) and the time I have taken is meant for recuperation and taking care. But today? I am free. It is up in the air. I can do what I want, go where I want or do just nothing at all. I am not used to it. But certainly enjoying it. :D
I spoke to my sister in California yesterday. My conversations with her are always pretty interesting. Interesting, in that I find it curious as to how she has changed over the years. If you have read my page for any length of time, then you know my adopted mother has been having health issues this past year. My sister is the one that has been there. Through all the ups and downs, more downs than ups of any kind. I told her yesterday that I am sorry she has had to deal with so much. That I don't live closer to help and feel bad, guilty, that it has all been laid on her. I told her that she can't go on much longer with this kind of stress. There is only so much one person is capable of with someone that isn't willing to take their own abilities and recovery into account. My mother needs constant supervision, 24 hour care. My sister is the same age as me and has a life of her own to live. I am not saying to dump her off at some nursing home and forget about the woman. But some sort of assisted living seems prudent to me. When I mention this to her, she turns a bit more positive and says that recovery is happening but at a snails pace. Ok. But then she mentions that when our mother is left alone, she makes insane choices about her health. Wouldn't this say to you that she cannot be left alone? It does to me. She puts herself, my mom, into precarious situtaions when alone and no one is around to tell her no. Sometimes I feel better equipped, only in that, I have experience in raising a toddler. My mothers actions are childlike, to say the least.
My sister said it is my turn. I agree she needs a break. My suggestion, was some sort of professional care. I will gladly and willingly help in any way I can. She is my mother that raised me in my childhood years (I have other beliefs as to who really taught me about life but that is another post) and I understand that when our parents are older that the care then turns to the children. I accept that. But within what limits? I am torn on this.
I think upon my own self, and say that I have no limits where the care of my child is concerned. She is a child afterall and my love for her is unconditional. So do I look at my mother the same way? Being that she is now like a child once again herself? I think about myself in her situation. I wouldn't want my daughter to care for me in such a way. I want her to have an unlimited life of her own. It is a tender situation, to say the least. Not to mention the history of my relationship with her. It does factor in to my thinking. Maybe, too much.
My mother is coming to stay with me for a few weeks in June. Possibly. It depends on her health and if she can travel. I guess we will see how it goes.
So, in regards to comments and email sent recently. Thank you for visiting, commenting and I hope you will stop by often.
I am finding it odd this morning. It is Monday. At this time you would find me running about, getting myself ready, my daughter, for what would be a full day of doing for others. Other days I have taken off, were for various needy reasons. My daughter is sick, I am way too sick to go in (although usually I just deal with being sick at work) and the time I have taken is meant for recuperation and taking care. But today? I am free. It is up in the air. I can do what I want, go where I want or do just nothing at all. I am not used to it. But certainly enjoying it. :D
I spoke to my sister in California yesterday. My conversations with her are always pretty interesting. Interesting, in that I find it curious as to how she has changed over the years. If you have read my page for any length of time, then you know my adopted mother has been having health issues this past year. My sister is the one that has been there. Through all the ups and downs, more downs than ups of any kind. I told her yesterday that I am sorry she has had to deal with so much. That I don't live closer to help and feel bad, guilty, that it has all been laid on her. I told her that she can't go on much longer with this kind of stress. There is only so much one person is capable of with someone that isn't willing to take their own abilities and recovery into account. My mother needs constant supervision, 24 hour care. My sister is the same age as me and has a life of her own to live. I am not saying to dump her off at some nursing home and forget about the woman. But some sort of assisted living seems prudent to me. When I mention this to her, she turns a bit more positive and says that recovery is happening but at a snails pace. Ok. But then she mentions that when our mother is left alone, she makes insane choices about her health. Wouldn't this say to you that she cannot be left alone? It does to me. She puts herself, my mom, into precarious situtaions when alone and no one is around to tell her no. Sometimes I feel better equipped, only in that, I have experience in raising a toddler. My mothers actions are childlike, to say the least.
My sister said it is my turn. I agree she needs a break. My suggestion, was some sort of professional care. I will gladly and willingly help in any way I can. She is my mother that raised me in my childhood years (I have other beliefs as to who really taught me about life but that is another post) and I understand that when our parents are older that the care then turns to the children. I accept that. But within what limits? I am torn on this.
I think upon my own self, and say that I have no limits where the care of my child is concerned. She is a child afterall and my love for her is unconditional. So do I look at my mother the same way? Being that she is now like a child once again herself? I think about myself in her situation. I wouldn't want my daughter to care for me in such a way. I want her to have an unlimited life of her own. It is a tender situation, to say the least. Not to mention the history of my relationship with her. It does factor in to my thinking. Maybe, too much.
My mother is coming to stay with me for a few weeks in June. Possibly. It depends on her health and if she can travel. I guess we will see how it goes.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Hot Flashes
Huh...
Ever look at someone and think "Damn...there is something about this one." ?
*fanning myself*
Ever look at someone and think "Damn...there is something about this one." ?
*fanning myself*
Rain..Rain..Go somewhere else...
Ever have one of "those" moments? Where, you have been to the grocery earlier in the week, you picked up the required items, came home put them away and went on about your business? Only to find yourself, standing in front of the fridge, wondering what happened to the specific thing you needed at that moment? I thought...I know it is here, I bought it, I remember, it must be here somewhere. But as empty as my fridge tends to be, overlooking something isn't really an issue. I stood back from the box...delve into the recesses of my brain to find the memory of me standing in front of the creamer at the grocery, telling myself I didn't need to get it now cause I won't be needing it for a week or so. Hmmph. Now, the day I need it is here and I tricked myself into thinking I had already bought it when I actually talked myself out of it before. I have enough creamer left for about 2 cups of coffee.
I am thankful.
I lost the remote last night. Within the depths of my bed. I had it in my hand about 30 secs before the pills were taking effect. I stood up...looked for it, dug through my down mass of warmth and squishy-ness (I am referring to my blankets...thank you) but it was nowhere to be found. How can that be? How can something slip your fingers in the blink of an eye and be lost for who knows how long? I was standing, looking frantically for this dang thing and realized...ummm ok I am out of bed looking for a remote when I can just as easily walk over and hit the power button.
Remote controls are evil. They induce laziness and a general lack of common sense. I sat there this morning trying to figure how to get my new dvd/vcr thing in my room to work with the playstation. Right. I gave up and just plugged the dang thing directly thru my tv. There Rach...play your game babe. I did manage to find the "other" remote control for this new gadget.
The tv remote is still lost.
The cat took it...I am sure of it.
I am thankful.
I lost the remote last night. Within the depths of my bed. I had it in my hand about 30 secs before the pills were taking effect. I stood up...looked for it, dug through my down mass of warmth and squishy-ness (I am referring to my blankets...thank you) but it was nowhere to be found. How can that be? How can something slip your fingers in the blink of an eye and be lost for who knows how long? I was standing, looking frantically for this dang thing and realized...ummm ok I am out of bed looking for a remote when I can just as easily walk over and hit the power button.
Remote controls are evil. They induce laziness and a general lack of common sense. I sat there this morning trying to figure how to get my new dvd/vcr thing in my room to work with the playstation. Right. I gave up and just plugged the dang thing directly thru my tv. There Rach...play your game babe. I did manage to find the "other" remote control for this new gadget.
The tv remote is still lost.
The cat took it...I am sure of it.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Ready? Set? GO
My daughter helped me not get a ticket tonight. "MOM....Crimson Guard!" :p "Thanks baby...whew!" Wiping my brow...
I need to slow down sometimes. (Crimson Guard would be reference to a video game, just so ya know)
I was anxious to get home though. I am done with work for a bit. My boss swore to me he would not call with some urgent need. I said that is good, cause I am going to make every effort not to be home when he is in the office. Other than that...my home will be my sanctuary.
It is Friday. You will always find me in a good mood on this day. Tonight? No parties...no going out...no dates, just staying home and watching "The network premiere" of the Scooby Doo movie. Exciting huh? :p Yeah, well, I think so...
Popcorn anyone?
Well...after we go pick up this CD I want... :p
*update*
So I confused the single release date with the CD release date. Arg...I will have to be happy with the single I downloaded till the 29th. We hit 2 stores too...dag nab it! Just as well. As the song says.. "Don't download...go out and buy da record."
I have to say...I am a huge fan of Will Smith. Huge. I love his movies...music...and admire his relationship longevity. (Oh yeah...it helps that he is soo fine too. Mmmm dang me.)
I need to slow down sometimes. (Crimson Guard would be reference to a video game, just so ya know)
I was anxious to get home though. I am done with work for a bit. My boss swore to me he would not call with some urgent need. I said that is good, cause I am going to make every effort not to be home when he is in the office. Other than that...my home will be my sanctuary.
It is Friday. You will always find me in a good mood on this day. Tonight? No parties...no going out...no dates, just staying home and watching "The network premiere" of the Scooby Doo movie. Exciting huh? :p Yeah, well, I think so...
Popcorn anyone?
Well...after we go pick up this CD I want... :p
*update*
So I confused the single release date with the CD release date. Arg...I will have to be happy with the single I downloaded till the 29th. We hit 2 stores too...dag nab it! Just as well. As the song says.. "Don't download...go out and buy da record."
I have to say...I am a huge fan of Will Smith. Huge. I love his movies...music...and admire his relationship longevity. (Oh yeah...it helps that he is soo fine too. Mmmm dang me.)
Affirmations
Well if your gonna hang around...could ya rub my shoulder a bit? Just...right...there...yeah....
Dang knots. All I have to do is turn my head to the left oh so slightly...and bam! I feel like my right shoulder blade is being ripped out. Nasty... That or someone has lodged a tennis ball under it.
I'll get over it.
Joe isn't in on Fridays...so I got the girls' help today. They are cool though...One asked me how I was doing today? I said "Wonderful!" She said "Oh really? and why so?" I said "Ya know Bobbye, if you say it enough times, you might just believe it."
It isn't that my exterior isn't positive. I don't look like the walking wounded, or some unintentional goth. It is just my insides messed up. And I guess in reading this page, you see me from the inside...out.
Dang knots. All I have to do is turn my head to the left oh so slightly...and bam! I feel like my right shoulder blade is being ripped out. Nasty... That or someone has lodged a tennis ball under it.
I'll get over it.
Joe isn't in on Fridays...so I got the girls' help today. They are cool though...One asked me how I was doing today? I said "Wonderful!" She said "Oh really? and why so?" I said "Ya know Bobbye, if you say it enough times, you might just believe it."
It isn't that my exterior isn't positive. I don't look like the walking wounded, or some unintentional goth. It is just my insides messed up. And I guess in reading this page, you see me from the inside...out.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
9 to (7:4)5
Actually, I start at 8...I guess it pays off sometimes to not have a life outside of work. Well, lately anyway. I decided to call a couple of my clients tonight to follow up with some ideas I had for them and ended up landing 5 new accounts. F I V E. You have no idea how this affects my goal. I even called my boss at 7:30 and shook my booty all over his cell phone. I rock! At least there are a couple things I excel at. Motherhood...and business.
I am still "relationship challenged". (is that right? I am not good at the whole politically correct thing)
Speaking of motherhood. My daughter saw the "video" today. She said it freaked her out. I guess all the info laid on a girl about what she has to look forward to...is a bit overwhelming. I mean, who wants to look ahead to the years when, ya know, your fertile. Ew. It sucks. Period. (no pun intended) It turned out to be nothing more than what I had already spoken to her about, so I was fine with her seeing it.
So...am I still thinking about "that" person? Yes I am. Not a day has gone by the last several years, that I haven't. Don't ask me why. I can't give a reason. It just is.
There is no beauty without the homely, no sky without the sea, no good without the bad, no taking without the giver, no salt with...ummm have I made my point yet?
Oh..wait...there is one more...There is no hate, without love.
I am still "relationship challenged". (is that right? I am not good at the whole politically correct thing)
Speaking of motherhood. My daughter saw the "video" today. She said it freaked her out. I guess all the info laid on a girl about what she has to look forward to...is a bit overwhelming. I mean, who wants to look ahead to the years when, ya know, your fertile. Ew. It sucks. Period. (no pun intended) It turned out to be nothing more than what I had already spoken to her about, so I was fine with her seeing it.
So...am I still thinking about "that" person? Yes I am. Not a day has gone by the last several years, that I haven't. Don't ask me why. I can't give a reason. It just is.
There is no beauty without the homely, no sky without the sea, no good without the bad, no taking without the giver, no salt with...ummm have I made my point yet?
Oh..wait...there is one more...There is no hate, without love.
I want it Now...Daddy!
My baby will be at church tonight, and I will be at the office. Frankly...I am thinkin I would rather be with her. It is banana split night at Awana. She has worked her butt off for this split thing and man if she isn't excited about it. But, like I said, I am going to be here at work, using up my free time.
I am actually taking some time off and need to make sure that there isn't anything around to confuse Noggin' (the new girl). It isn't a difficult task to send her reeling with questions, so I have to make sure I don't get a phone call next week, asking me for help. The last time I took a couple days, I ended up having to come in. Panic and mayhem was amuck over some simple paperwork. Sheesh. My goal...to make sure it doesn't happen again. Or at the very least...keep myself away from my house and phone so I am not tempted to answer it. I would like to be able to tell you that I am going to be at the BEACH. But no. I am not. Hmmmpf.
*insert stomping foot here*
*pout*
I am actually taking some time off and need to make sure that there isn't anything around to confuse Noggin' (the new girl). It isn't a difficult task to send her reeling with questions, so I have to make sure I don't get a phone call next week, asking me for help. The last time I took a couple days, I ended up having to come in. Panic and mayhem was amuck over some simple paperwork. Sheesh. My goal...to make sure it doesn't happen again. Or at the very least...keep myself away from my house and phone so I am not tempted to answer it. I would like to be able to tell you that I am going to be at the BEACH. But no. I am not. Hmmmpf.
*insert stomping foot here*
*pout*
Kiss me...
"The person who was to become St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was born in Wales about AD 385. His given name was Maewyn.
When he was 16, he was sold into slavery to Ireland where he was a shepherd for 6 years. While in captivity he studied and turned to religion. He escaped slavery and later returned to Ireland as a missionary, determined to convert Ireland to Christianity. He used the shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity.
Patrick was quite successful at winning converts. And this fact upset the Celtic Druids. Patrick was arrested several times, but escaped each time. He traveled throughout Ireland, establishing monasteries across the country. He also set up schools and churches which would aid him in his conversion of the Irish country to Christianity.
His mission in Ireland lasted for thirty years. After that time, Patrick retired to County Down. He died on March 17 in AD 461. That day has been commemorated as St. Patrick's Day ever since." Courtesy of Alphabet-soup.
The leaves of the shamrock actually represents the trinity. Each leaf a symbol of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Each separerate unto themselves, but yet stem from the same entity.
There are many uses for this day. Some celebrate it as a Catholic holiday, some more secular "Let's drink and be merry that we are Irish!". Growing up, I always saw it as the day I got pinched if I didn't wear green. Of course, at the time I didn't know my heritage. I still can't say that I know it fully.
At any rate, Happy St. Patrick's Day. Have fun...
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
No Comment
My Daily OM (A couple days ago)
Heights Of Awareness
Highly Sensitive People
Some people are born into the world with their ears and eyes open to the strong energy pulsating all around them. They experience everyday sensory input in a uniquely heightened way that can cause both pleasure and pain. In an environment overflowing with subtleties of thought, chemicals, noise, light, scent, and both positive and negative energy, these highly sensitive people do not have the ability to filter the emotions, substances, and sensations they take in. They can be easily overwhelmed in crowds and may require quiet time alone to regroup their feelings. But highly sensitive people are far from being weak. On the contrary, they are strong, perceptive, intuitive, and exceptionally artistic people who have a wonderful gift of insight to offer.
Highly sensitive people feel emotions deeply and, as they tend to be empathic, find themselves affected by the emotions of others, even the emotions of actors or characters in books. Because of this, they are perceptive of the needs, joys, and pains of others and they cannot simply shake off their feelings. They are as hurt by an insult to another as they would be by an insult to themselves, and try to avoid most conflict. When faced with negative emotions or situations, it can be easy for highly sensitive people to suffer from depression or anxiety. Their unique mode of perception allows them to develop a strong appreciation for nature, music, art, and literature. Many talented artists are sensitive and most sensitive people are artistic in some way.
This sensitivity exerts itself physically as well, which can cause the nervous system to become overloaded when faced with bright lights, loud noises, strong tastes, or erratic environments. Highly sensitive people may be allergic to a number of foods, fabrics, and chemicals. They may also be so touch-sensitive that coarser cloths like denim bruise their skin. Thus, they fare best in peaceful, harmonious settings that offer strong support and may find they build their strongest bonds with other highly sensitive people who understand their needs. To minimize stress, it can be beneficial to create a daily routine, seek out calming activities, avoid jarring noise and lighting, meditate, and use relaxing essential oils.
Though some highly sensitive people develop animosity toward their way of experiencing the world, it should be understood that it is not a curse, but a path to wisdom. Denying your sensitivity can lead to unhappiness but exploring its benefits can lead to positive change in yourself and others, particularly when you choose to seek out the world's beauty and demonstrate to others the heights it can reach.
Heights Of Awareness
Highly Sensitive People
Some people are born into the world with their ears and eyes open to the strong energy pulsating all around them. They experience everyday sensory input in a uniquely heightened way that can cause both pleasure and pain. In an environment overflowing with subtleties of thought, chemicals, noise, light, scent, and both positive and negative energy, these highly sensitive people do not have the ability to filter the emotions, substances, and sensations they take in. They can be easily overwhelmed in crowds and may require quiet time alone to regroup their feelings. But highly sensitive people are far from being weak. On the contrary, they are strong, perceptive, intuitive, and exceptionally artistic people who have a wonderful gift of insight to offer.
Highly sensitive people feel emotions deeply and, as they tend to be empathic, find themselves affected by the emotions of others, even the emotions of actors or characters in books. Because of this, they are perceptive of the needs, joys, and pains of others and they cannot simply shake off their feelings. They are as hurt by an insult to another as they would be by an insult to themselves, and try to avoid most conflict. When faced with negative emotions or situations, it can be easy for highly sensitive people to suffer from depression or anxiety. Their unique mode of perception allows them to develop a strong appreciation for nature, music, art, and literature. Many talented artists are sensitive and most sensitive people are artistic in some way.
This sensitivity exerts itself physically as well, which can cause the nervous system to become overloaded when faced with bright lights, loud noises, strong tastes, or erratic environments. Highly sensitive people may be allergic to a number of foods, fabrics, and chemicals. They may also be so touch-sensitive that coarser cloths like denim bruise their skin. Thus, they fare best in peaceful, harmonious settings that offer strong support and may find they build their strongest bonds with other highly sensitive people who understand their needs. To minimize stress, it can be beneficial to create a daily routine, seek out calming activities, avoid jarring noise and lighting, meditate, and use relaxing essential oils.
Though some highly sensitive people develop animosity toward their way of experiencing the world, it should be understood that it is not a curse, but a path to wisdom. Denying your sensitivity can lead to unhappiness but exploring its benefits can lead to positive change in yourself and others, particularly when you choose to seek out the world's beauty and demonstrate to others the heights it can reach.
Metallic Flakes
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." ~William Blake
It is funny. Cause I don't think I would have so much trouble with forgiving this "friend" if they could only give admittance. Maybe. I dunno.
I had a dream the other night...of him and this girl and their car. This car was what I remember the most, The deep color of blue and the number 19. Why 19? It had to do with their child that was born 19 months ago. But I remember in the dream that the fact that she told me 19 months, meant something. My attitude was odd too. I was nice to them. Accepting and happy to hear about their "stuff". I had my usual feeling however, that this wasn't permanent. And I felt horrible for feeling such a thing when they seemed happy. Much like his last relationship. I had the same feeling but thought, well...they seem happy, so I must be wrong. But I wasn't. Hmmm. Her face was different too. From what it truly is. She was someone else in my dream but yet the same person, name. But I have learned that just because something doesn't look physically exactly as it is, that, that isn't what you need to listen too. It is the other stuff...like 19...blue...etc.
Not making sense to you huh? Just ignore my rambling. I am just thinking it through. It would help if I was at liberty to question. But I am not. I guess it will just be a mystery.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Palindrome - emordnilaP Hmmm?
I was told to day that I have lost my faith in relationships. Hope is stifled, smothered in my own fear. But yet what I fear the most...is what I desire. How can someone find words to explain or words that can soothe and express comprehension? I know I can't.
People want to be right. Right in their own opinion, beliefs and convictions. We debate, argue, infuse our point until someone is in agreement.
I hear, daily, other peoples, clients, friends, family, tell me how they think it should be. How they see it, want it, and believe it to be. "It" being whatever topic of conversation may be. They are truly convinced they are right. It is how it is. I know I have stood and said, written and thought about my own beliefs, convictions etc... What is right to me. What I want, need, desire.
Let me just say...
...I truly want to be wrong.
People want to be right. Right in their own opinion, beliefs and convictions. We debate, argue, infuse our point until someone is in agreement.
"My specialty is being right when other people are wrong." George Bernard
I hear, daily, other peoples, clients, friends, family, tell me how they think it should be. How they see it, want it, and believe it to be. "It" being whatever topic of conversation may be. They are truly convinced they are right. It is how it is. I know I have stood and said, written and thought about my own beliefs, convictions etc... What is right to me. What I want, need, desire.
"A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right." Thomas Paine
Let me just say...
...I truly want to be wrong.
180
Right. So I need to start being more positive. My attitude lately hasn't been good. Too much to think on, deal with and get through. Having the jerk pop up again, only makes it worse for me cause I then go back to that mode of negativity. Amazing how it is that some people inspire you. I must say I prefer those that make me smile.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Erised's Mirror
I have been reading another blog for a bit. The girl is going through some rough times. I understand what she is feeling. All too well...
He took my face in his hands, told me I could trust him, he wasn't going anywhere and to let it go. "Don't be afraid Michelle." he had said. With tears in my eyes I believed him. I wanted to trust him with everything in me. I thought he understood, he said he understood. I said what was in my heart of hearts...only for him to let go and slap me across the face with my very own fears. It felt like stone across my cheek. I found myself on the floor, unaware of his child inside me. That child was lost the day of discovery. I had no time to rejoice. No time to be happy or worried what to do next. I felt robbed in every sense. Only to mourn what couldn't be, mourn something that never began, never given a chance to grow.
He had already started his current relationship at that time. And he is so happy. I guess I should be glad something good happened from that "situation". I have ahard time seeing it as good...however.
I sometimes wonder why I even open my messenger. I haven't for a few days. Hmmm...longer I guess. "Come on strong guy" wants to talk. I haven't spoken with him for a few weeks. He said he misses me. Why do I feel like my entire life has been a scene from A Midsummer Night's Dream? Ugh...
He took my face in his hands, told me I could trust him, he wasn't going anywhere and to let it go. "Don't be afraid Michelle." he had said. With tears in my eyes I believed him. I wanted to trust him with everything in me. I thought he understood, he said he understood. I said what was in my heart of hearts...only for him to let go and slap me across the face with my very own fears. It felt like stone across my cheek. I found myself on the floor, unaware of his child inside me. That child was lost the day of discovery. I had no time to rejoice. No time to be happy or worried what to do next. I felt robbed in every sense. Only to mourn what couldn't be, mourn something that never began, never given a chance to grow.
He had already started his current relationship at that time. And he is so happy. I guess I should be glad something good happened from that "situation". I have ahard time seeing it as good...however.
I sometimes wonder why I even open my messenger. I haven't for a few days. Hmmm...longer I guess. "Come on strong guy" wants to talk. I haven't spoken with him for a few weeks. He said he misses me. Why do I feel like my entire life has been a scene from A Midsummer Night's Dream? Ugh...
Friday, March 11, 2005
A couple few
When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown
My tech friend, (Ironically his name was Chris) used to tell me that he would tell his kids that it was a waste of time for them to spend thoughts on wishes. I always thought that was sort of...sad. I am not confusing Hope with Wishes. But in some instances they are the same...sort of. I am not sure where I would be without Hope. Lost...saddened more so than I am now.
The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground. ~Author Unknown
I think I am still germinating...
I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown
The weather is very dry here. Most people think that Oregon is the wet state. But nope...not where I live. In Central Oregon, it is the High Desert. Very dry, Lotion is my best friend, but it is oh so beautiful.
There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance. ~Author Unknown
I have known some that I thought were good. And truly were...their wives confirmed it.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Just ya know...tired
My daughter is at church tonight. So..I decided, to cheer myself up, to go and buy myself some new flip flops. Man...do I like me some new flip flops. The sun has been shining here. It is giving us that false sense of spring, when you know full well that we will have another snow storm here in a couple weeks, most likely. But ya know...it has been 65+ the past week or so and I am ready for my feet to be free. No more paying for No-Nonsenses' vacation home in Hawaii. Nope...I am breaking free.
I was thinking, on my way home. And ya'll know I think way too much. But even so...I was thinking how I have had crushes, puppy love, full blown obsession with 4...count em'...4 completely different men named Chris. Weird huh? There was one that I adored from afar in Jr High...one in High School (captain of the Basketball team)...one I worked with at a company during college and one I married. 3 of them had the exact same last name of Larson. Even weirder still. Since a very young age...I always thought that I would name my son Christopher. Seem odd to you yet? It does me. I never had a name picked out for a daughter but yet that is what I have. No son...I doubt that I will have another child at this point. There just seems to be some strange fascination in my life with the name Chris. I dunno....
Ok...I need a pedicure...ew.
I was thinking, on my way home. And ya'll know I think way too much. But even so...I was thinking how I have had crushes, puppy love, full blown obsession with 4...count em'...4 completely different men named Chris. Weird huh? There was one that I adored from afar in Jr High...one in High School (captain of the Basketball team)...one I worked with at a company during college and one I married. 3 of them had the exact same last name of Larson. Even weirder still. Since a very young age...I always thought that I would name my son Christopher. Seem odd to you yet? It does me. I never had a name picked out for a daughter but yet that is what I have. No son...I doubt that I will have another child at this point. There just seems to be some strange fascination in my life with the name Chris. I dunno....
Ok...I need a pedicure...ew.
Under the rock
I had a "moment" this morning. I was talking with my friend Cat...she kept asking what was wrong cause I didn't sound like myself. All I could say was that I was "fine". What do I say? Go into all the things that bother me and sound completely pitiful? I don't want pity. I just want justice. I want what is going to come around to get here already. Anyway, after I cut the conversation off short, I excused myself to the restroom. Seems the best place to let things flow.
I am trying to have a good day. Fake it...as my boss' advice would dictate. I am doing ok. I am trying. I really just want to curl up in my sheets and stay there the entire sunny, gorgeous day. Of course, I can't. I have to do what needs to be done.
I had good things happen to me yesterday. You would think I would be in the best of moods. The guy next door to my office gave me a gift yesterday. He said that I am always willing to help him whenever he needs regardless of how much I am working on at the time. He wanted to show his appreciation. It was nice. I was very thankful for the thought.
My dad came over last night and fixed my kitchen faucet that has been leaking for...oh...about 7 months or so. Ever since the dang thing broke off in my hand. I tried to fix it myself once, but when I came home last night, my kitchen floor was a puddle of water. As you can see, I am not a plumber. I love my dad. He is a busy guy and he took the time from his really long day to help me out. I tried my usual "I can do everything on my own" argument...but it never seems to go over very well with my folks. :p
This day is finding me reflective. I hate that. I hate thinking about the past and seeing someones future with out a clue as to my own.
I am trying to have a good day. Fake it...as my boss' advice would dictate. I am doing ok. I am trying. I really just want to curl up in my sheets and stay there the entire sunny, gorgeous day. Of course, I can't. I have to do what needs to be done.
I had good things happen to me yesterday. You would think I would be in the best of moods. The guy next door to my office gave me a gift yesterday. He said that I am always willing to help him whenever he needs regardless of how much I am working on at the time. He wanted to show his appreciation. It was nice. I was very thankful for the thought.
My dad came over last night and fixed my kitchen faucet that has been leaking for...oh...about 7 months or so. Ever since the dang thing broke off in my hand. I tried to fix it myself once, but when I came home last night, my kitchen floor was a puddle of water. As you can see, I am not a plumber. I love my dad. He is a busy guy and he took the time from his really long day to help me out. I tried my usual "I can do everything on my own" argument...but it never seems to go over very well with my folks. :p
This day is finding me reflective. I hate that. I hate thinking about the past and seeing someones future with out a clue as to my own.
I'm tryin'
When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.
"Don't Quit,"
Author Unknown
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Constructive
I am sitting here...blowing soap bubbles for my cat to chase. Thinking about why it is...that the people that hurt the most, use the most and just generally treat people with so much lack of respect, are the ones to find themselves in fulfilling relationships. I know several good hearted, generally nice people. That are alone. One of the discarded. Why is that? You would think that good wins out. But I wonder.
And it starts this way...
From the East comes the sun,
Bringing a new and unspoiled day.
It has already circled the Earth and
Looked upon distant lands and
Far-away peoples.
It has passed over mountain ranges and
The waters of the seven seas.
It has shown upon laborers in the fields,
Into the windows of homes,
And shops, and factories.
It has beheld cities with gleaming towers,
And also the hovels of the poor.
It has been witness to both good and evil,
The works of honest men and women and
The conspiracy of knaves.
It has seen marching armies, bomb-blasted villages
And "the destruction that wasteth at noonday."
Now, unsullied from its tireless journey,
It comes to us,
Messenger of the morning.
Harbinger of a new day."
"Morning"
Clinton Lee Scott
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Counting 10 to 1...
I am doing very well keeping myself from exploding. I am feeling quite proud of this feat since there have been times, in the past, when I worked with someone difficult, that it has been a problem in keeping my feelings to myself. However, Noggin' is pushing her limit today.
She had the nerve to sit there and tell me that she would rather be in my shoes and be overloaded with work than to be in her own situation. Umm hello? So she is actually going to sit there and tell me that the fact that she is taking advantage of her boss, me and the company is not bringing her utmost joy???? The fact that she is milking her injury for every ounce and then some is not satisfactory??? Right. She even asked me to get her some water today? Since when am I her flipping maid?? Your thirsty? Get up off your butt and walk the 3 feet to get it yourself. Arg!! The cream of her speech today? She stated that maybe I should give CJ a call... It was her way of saying that if I got l*id then I would feel better. Nice huh? @%$$#^#%$@^$!!!!!!!!
She had the nerve to sit there and tell me that she would rather be in my shoes and be overloaded with work than to be in her own situation. Umm hello? So she is actually going to sit there and tell me that the fact that she is taking advantage of her boss, me and the company is not bringing her utmost joy???? The fact that she is milking her injury for every ounce and then some is not satisfactory??? Right. She even asked me to get her some water today? Since when am I her flipping maid?? Your thirsty? Get up off your butt and walk the 3 feet to get it yourself. Arg!! The cream of her speech today? She stated that maybe I should give CJ a call... It was her way of saying that if I got l*id then I would feel better. Nice huh? @%$$#^#%$@^$!!!!!!!!
Speaking of questions
I am getting ready to head out to my daughters parent/teacher conference this morning. I made a list for myself (thanks mom, she knows me so well.) of questions that I had been wanting to ask of her teacher. Had I not made this list, then my sitting in front of someone I am wanting to interogate would render me speechless. I have a problem with that. Anyone that intimidates me or I have some sort of issue with, feeling about, finds me cotton-mouthed and brain-dead. Every question I had going through my questioning mind, blows away as if it never existed. Frustrating. I am hoping it goes smoothly. That I can walk in, have a good conversation with her teacher and walk out. Inevitably though, I end up waiting for the inconsiderate ones before my appointment that decided to show up late, take more than the allotted time or just be plain rude cause they know someone else is waiting their turn. And then they wonder why their children are having issues?
2 hours later...
It went great. My daughter is doing amazing. Some subjects are about 2 grade levels above her own. I am so proud! :p Not only is she strikingly beautiful to me but smart ta'boot. There are a couple areas of concern, but she is progressing since last term and I am not one to push. I like it when she develops at her own pace. I even had the opportunity to talk to her teacher about the transition to Middle School, my concerns and what his experience has been. I think it will be fine. But I still don't have many answers about the "video" they are going to be viewing this month, about Personal Development. Apparently I can check out a copy of the video to watch myself. I am glad they offer it up to curious parents that do take an active role in their childs growth. Her teacher also made some photocopies for me, of stories she has written in class. I only had the chance to read one of them, before I got back to work, but her expressions in the one I read, were awesome.
Speaking of being back at work... I am buried. My boss heaped a bunch of stuff on me before he blew out the door, on such a beautiful day, and my pile looks like the leaning tower of Pisa. *sigh* I am really not sure where to begin, what to shuffle or which to push to the bottom of the pile. I wish I could work on better delegation...but who do you delegate to..when it is just you?
2 hours later...
It went great. My daughter is doing amazing. Some subjects are about 2 grade levels above her own. I am so proud! :p Not only is she strikingly beautiful to me but smart ta'boot. There are a couple areas of concern, but she is progressing since last term and I am not one to push. I like it when she develops at her own pace. I even had the opportunity to talk to her teacher about the transition to Middle School, my concerns and what his experience has been. I think it will be fine. But I still don't have many answers about the "video" they are going to be viewing this month, about Personal Development. Apparently I can check out a copy of the video to watch myself. I am glad they offer it up to curious parents that do take an active role in their childs growth. Her teacher also made some photocopies for me, of stories she has written in class. I only had the chance to read one of them, before I got back to work, but her expressions in the one I read, were awesome.
Speaking of being back at work... I am buried. My boss heaped a bunch of stuff on me before he blew out the door, on such a beautiful day, and my pile looks like the leaning tower of Pisa. *sigh* I am really not sure where to begin, what to shuffle or which to push to the bottom of the pile. I wish I could work on better delegation...but who do you delegate to..when it is just you?
Monday, March 07, 2005
You can't catch me...
I love to write. I always have, although it started with simply writing my emotions down, when I was younger. (My teenage diary is a vision of hysterics and drama, let me tell you.) But it was the only voice I could give them within my world. But I am not going to go into what my world consisted of, at that time.
I write little stories all the time. Mostly, just short jaunts into someone elses world. Sometimes, they have an incredible comparison to my own. But it is an escape nonetheless. Perhaps it is to just work through something I am feeling. It helps to see how my character might handle the same emotion or circumstance.
Ok...enough of that. I have been wanting to do a writing project with my daughter for some time. Well, a couple, actually. One is for us to each go out with our cameras. Take photos of our day, and then come home to write about what we saw, how it made us feel, and then compare our stories. I was planning on doing this, when me and Rach get to go to the beach. But ya know...I am not sure when I am going to get to take this trip. So...
My other, is to write a children's book with her. The characters would be her 3 favorite stuffed animals. She is going on eleven and still tucks them in at night. They talk with each other and have adventures. I think it would be awesome to put these adventures of hers, into a series of books. I have talked with her about it, and she likes the idea. Apparently, Cupcake the Dog, Cuddles the Bear and Charlie the Giraffe, like it too.
I have been thinking a lot today about the books I would read to her daily throughout the past ten years...and some, we read still. The memories they bring back to me. Our special moments together, laughing The Stinky Cheese Man, singing 'Possum Come a Knockin' and sharing Mama Do You Love Me?. They are more than just goodhearted childrens books. They are like the pictures that adorn my home. Those of Rachel spinning on the grassy clearing Where's My Teddy?, smiling pretty and posed in her school backgrounds Custard the Dragon, standing at the waterfalls with her friends Sheep in a Jeep...They hold a priceless The Tale of The Three Trees, sentimental value that cannot be replaced or recreated. Between the pages, are hours of a life Can't You Sleep Little Bear?, that I hold as the most important.
I write little stories all the time. Mostly, just short jaunts into someone elses world. Sometimes, they have an incredible comparison to my own. But it is an escape nonetheless. Perhaps it is to just work through something I am feeling. It helps to see how my character might handle the same emotion or circumstance.
Ok...enough of that. I have been wanting to do a writing project with my daughter for some time. Well, a couple, actually. One is for us to each go out with our cameras. Take photos of our day, and then come home to write about what we saw, how it made us feel, and then compare our stories. I was planning on doing this, when me and Rach get to go to the beach. But ya know...I am not sure when I am going to get to take this trip. So...
My other, is to write a children's book with her. The characters would be her 3 favorite stuffed animals. She is going on eleven and still tucks them in at night. They talk with each other and have adventures. I think it would be awesome to put these adventures of hers, into a series of books. I have talked with her about it, and she likes the idea. Apparently, Cupcake the Dog, Cuddles the Bear and Charlie the Giraffe, like it too.
I have been thinking a lot today about the books I would read to her daily throughout the past ten years...and some, we read still. The memories they bring back to me. Our special moments together, laughing The Stinky Cheese Man, singing 'Possum Come a Knockin' and sharing Mama Do You Love Me?. They are more than just goodhearted childrens books. They are like the pictures that adorn my home. Those of Rachel spinning on the grassy clearing Where's My Teddy?, smiling pretty and posed in her school backgrounds Custard the Dragon, standing at the waterfalls with her friends Sheep in a Jeep...They hold a priceless The Tale of The Three Trees, sentimental value that cannot be replaced or recreated. Between the pages, are hours of a life Can't You Sleep Little Bear?, that I hold as the most important.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Meme Me
Meme, (rhymes with "cream" and comes from Greek root with the meaning of memory and its derivative "mimeme"), is the term given to a unit of information that replicates from brains and inanimate stores of information, such as books and computers, to other brains or stores of information. The term meme was coined in 1976 by Richard Dawkins in his bestselling book, The Selfish Gene. Inanimate sources of information have been termed 'retention systems'.
In more specific terms, a meme is a self-propagating unit of cultural evolution having some resemblance to the gene (the unit of genetics). The difference lies in the replicative potential and minimally required resources to replicate. Memes can represent parts of ideas, languages, elemental particles, tunes, designs, skills, moral and aesthetic values and anything else that is commonly learned and passed on to others as a unit. The study of evolutionary models of information transfer is called memetics.
In casual use, the term meme is sometimes used to mean any piece of information that is passed from one mind to another. This is much closer to the analogy of "language as a virus" than it is to Dawkins's analogy of memes as replicating behaviors. Memes on the internet tend to proliferate for periods of time then quietly die off, and many start as obscure running jokes within net cliques which gradually lose their original meaning or otherwise become detached. Some people consider absurdist humor to be a good source of memes.
Courtesy of WikipediA (I love encyclopedias)
So...if Meme's are passed information, replicated and passed again? Then are Blogs a form of Meme's? Hmmm...
Typically Meme's are those little (or sometimes not so little) questionaires that let people know you, somewhat, personally. Some people consider them annoying mail forwards. But ya know, they do read them. I would gather to say, out of sheer curiosity of the one that sent it. At any rate. Sometimes I find them amusing and entertaining. I am not, however, so caught up in the internet anonymity. I have no problem saying my opinion and owning up to the fact that it was me that said it, how I feel about and whether I would say it again. There are some, that believe Meme's are "Mind Viruses". Huh? You can't be serious...
So here is the A-Z of the current Meme...
Age: 36
Brains or Beauty: Brains
Chore I hate: Folding Laundry
Day I was born on: Monday
Easiest person to talk to: My Mom
Favorite perfume: "Miracle" by Lancome
Gummy candy or Gum: Gummi Bears
Hometown: Oceanside, California
Interesting fact: I won "Best Actress" in a mock Oscars ceremony in College
Junk I can't throw away: Play Bills and memorabilia from my Theatre days
Kids: Yes
Living arrangements: Buying a home
Man's favorite physical feature: Their smile and the way they smell
Number of apples eaten in the last week: Huh? That would be zero
Overnight hospital stays: Tonsilectomy when I was 5, My daughters birth when I was 25
Phobia: Falling
Question you ask yourself a lot: Why...and How
Religious affiliation: Christian
Siblings: 3 brothers and 3 sisters
Time I wake up: 6am
Unnatural hair color: Gray (it may grow on it's own, but I still think it is completely unnatural!)
Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: Cooked Brocolli, Spinach or Asparagus. Anything raw is good.
Worst habit: Procrastination
X-rays?: Several
Yummy food I make: Chicken Enchiladas
Zodiac sign: Leo
I think this list could be a bit more indepth, or at least, somewhat rivoting. But there ya go...
In more specific terms, a meme is a self-propagating unit of cultural evolution having some resemblance to the gene (the unit of genetics). The difference lies in the replicative potential and minimally required resources to replicate. Memes can represent parts of ideas, languages, elemental particles, tunes, designs, skills, moral and aesthetic values and anything else that is commonly learned and passed on to others as a unit. The study of evolutionary models of information transfer is called memetics.
In casual use, the term meme is sometimes used to mean any piece of information that is passed from one mind to another. This is much closer to the analogy of "language as a virus" than it is to Dawkins's analogy of memes as replicating behaviors. Memes on the internet tend to proliferate for periods of time then quietly die off, and many start as obscure running jokes within net cliques which gradually lose their original meaning or otherwise become detached. Some people consider absurdist humor to be a good source of memes.
"The key to every man is his thought. Sturdy and defying though he look, he has a helm which he obeys, which is the idea after which all his facts are classified. He can only be reformed by showing him a new idea which commands his own."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Courtesy of WikipediA (I love encyclopedias)
So...if Meme's are passed information, replicated and passed again? Then are Blogs a form of Meme's? Hmmm...
Typically Meme's are those little (or sometimes not so little) questionaires that let people know you, somewhat, personally. Some people consider them annoying mail forwards. But ya know, they do read them. I would gather to say, out of sheer curiosity of the one that sent it. At any rate. Sometimes I find them amusing and entertaining. I am not, however, so caught up in the internet anonymity. I have no problem saying my opinion and owning up to the fact that it was me that said it, how I feel about and whether I would say it again. There are some, that believe Meme's are "Mind Viruses". Huh? You can't be serious...
So here is the A-Z of the current Meme...
Age: 36
Brains or Beauty: Brains
Chore I hate: Folding Laundry
Day I was born on: Monday
Easiest person to talk to: My Mom
Favorite perfume: "Miracle" by Lancome
Gummy candy or Gum: Gummi Bears
Hometown: Oceanside, California
Interesting fact: I won "Best Actress" in a mock Oscars ceremony in College
Junk I can't throw away: Play Bills and memorabilia from my Theatre days
Kids: Yes
Living arrangements: Buying a home
Man's favorite physical feature: Their smile and the way they smell
Number of apples eaten in the last week: Huh? That would be zero
Overnight hospital stays: Tonsilectomy when I was 5, My daughters birth when I was 25
Phobia: Falling
Question you ask yourself a lot: Why...and How
Religious affiliation: Christian
Siblings: 3 brothers and 3 sisters
Time I wake up: 6am
Unnatural hair color: Gray (it may grow on it's own, but I still think it is completely unnatural!)
Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: Cooked Brocolli, Spinach or Asparagus. Anything raw is good.
Worst habit: Procrastination
X-rays?: Several
Yummy food I make: Chicken Enchiladas
Zodiac sign: Leo
I think this list could be a bit more indepth, or at least, somewhat rivoting. But there ya go...
Saturday, March 05, 2005
ROTF
Magtard???
I only just saw the change. How incredibly funny. Ok...this person isn't so bad. They have now disappeared, scared off. Which is pretty true to form, I must say. Shake me up a bit and then move on out. How about ridin' it through for once? Hmmmm?
And currently on Messenger -
G: hey you! how the heck are ya? gimme a buzz when ya can! cool over and out..
Me: 10-4 good buddy. All is cool on the flipside. What's new down your road?
I am easily entertained.
I had this voice mail last night when I got home. (Oh...and I also came home, to find my front door wide open. Talk about scaring the begeesus out a single woman...all alone, late at night, in the dark, looking incredibly sexy. (ok I lied about the sexy part) I immediatly grabbed something heavy and headed for the shower curtains. I will never get over that movie.) But the voice mail. Ugh. It was Doug. I thought...wow...he still thinks of me? Damn. Doug is the guy I wrote about a couple times. He is the one that takes the Word and twists it to match what his needs are. The one that doesn't think that women are beautiful and will never tell one she is cause, and I quote "Only what God created is beautiful. So no woman could be as beautiful as God's creations." Ummm Hello? The man frutrates me to no end. He thinks that because I have not found myself in some serious relationship, and neither has he, that we are destined for each other. He has prayed that I would find someone, and that if I did, then he would know I wasn't for him. Ummm. So just because I haven't settled for someone means that I am to do that with you? No. Don't get me wrong. I do really appreciate his consideration etc. I am not used to that kind of attention. But even so, I am starting to think there is someting floating around in the atmosphere lately. That or there has been a constant full moon.
At any rate, I have met some really interesting people in my life thus far. I no longer question my sanity.
I have been writing a bit in one of my "other" journals. The paper is titled "Pandora's Box". It is proving to be load lifting.
I only just saw the change. How incredibly funny. Ok...this person isn't so bad. They have now disappeared, scared off. Which is pretty true to form, I must say. Shake me up a bit and then move on out. How about ridin' it through for once? Hmmmm?
And currently on Messenger -
G: hey you! how the heck are ya? gimme a buzz when ya can! cool over and out..
Me: 10-4 good buddy. All is cool on the flipside. What's new down your road?
I am easily entertained.
I had this voice mail last night when I got home. (Oh...and I also came home, to find my front door wide open. Talk about scaring the begeesus out a single woman...all alone, late at night, in the dark, looking incredibly sexy. (ok I lied about the sexy part) I immediatly grabbed something heavy and headed for the shower curtains. I will never get over that movie.) But the voice mail. Ugh. It was Doug. I thought...wow...he still thinks of me? Damn. Doug is the guy I wrote about a couple times. He is the one that takes the Word and twists it to match what his needs are. The one that doesn't think that women are beautiful and will never tell one she is cause, and I quote "Only what God created is beautiful. So no woman could be as beautiful as God's creations." Ummm Hello? The man frutrates me to no end. He thinks that because I have not found myself in some serious relationship, and neither has he, that we are destined for each other. He has prayed that I would find someone, and that if I did, then he would know I wasn't for him. Ummm. So just because I haven't settled for someone means that I am to do that with you? No. Don't get me wrong. I do really appreciate his consideration etc. I am not used to that kind of attention. But even so, I am starting to think there is someting floating around in the atmosphere lately. That or there has been a constant full moon.
At any rate, I have met some really interesting people in my life thus far. I no longer question my sanity.
I have been writing a bit in one of my "other" journals. The paper is titled "Pandora's Box". It is proving to be load lifting.
Pigtails and High Heels
Alrighty then!
It never seems to fail that when someone asks me about a certain situation, that I comment how it is going a particular way and not a moment sooner, does it shift to go in the exact opposite direction of what I just said it was.
(Wow. That was just one sentence and it looks like a paragraph. There must be a mistake there somewhere. Techy guy, from my work, isn't around anymore, so my grammer is suffering.)
My daughter has, apparently, had a surge of hormones tonight. Oh my GOSH! I had to wear my platform tennis' so that the eggshells wouldn't poke my toes. I don't deal with this very often. I often compare my daughter to that of angels. But tonight? It was just plain weird. Nothing I said or did seemed to help. But yet, the more I let her be and work through it on her own, the worse it seemed to get. Some tragic thing would happen and the tears would flow. A minute later, she was laughing. Two minutes after that, she would be glaring at me with spit and hellfire. I was spinning in circles wondering just what emotion would spill forth next.
She is sleeping now. I am hoping that the morning will find her back to her old self. I have to say, she is, right now, resembling the angelic child I oogle over.
It never seems to fail that when someone asks me about a certain situation, that I comment how it is going a particular way and not a moment sooner, does it shift to go in the exact opposite direction of what I just said it was.
(Wow. That was just one sentence and it looks like a paragraph. There must be a mistake there somewhere. Techy guy, from my work, isn't around anymore, so my grammer is suffering.)
My daughter has, apparently, had a surge of hormones tonight. Oh my GOSH! I had to wear my platform tennis' so that the eggshells wouldn't poke my toes. I don't deal with this very often. I often compare my daughter to that of angels. But tonight? It was just plain weird. Nothing I said or did seemed to help. But yet, the more I let her be and work through it on her own, the worse it seemed to get. Some tragic thing would happen and the tears would flow. A minute later, she was laughing. Two minutes after that, she would be glaring at me with spit and hellfire. I was spinning in circles wondering just what emotion would spill forth next.
She is sleeping now. I am hoping that the morning will find her back to her old self. I have to say, she is, right now, resembling the angelic child I oogle over.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Quickies
The email. Sometimes I look forward to checking my email. Sometimes...it is just going through the motions so it doesn't get backlogged. Welp..tonight I found it interesting.
The first was from my Mom. I really did like it...so I am going to share it with you in a minute. The other of mention, was one asking me about my love life. The subject line specifically "How is your love life?" The answer..is but an empty one. There isn't much to say about nothing (although I guess Seinfeld made a career out of it) At any rate, I pondered there for a moment, just a moment, and moved on. Maybe I will respond to the question later. Most likely...not. I had an email I forwarded myself from work that contains a link from a local website I visit daily. The link will take you to an article that I found uplifting of sorts.
So without further or do...and because I need to get changed and out of here "Excuse me while I make myself...comfortable" (Madeline Kahn Blazing Saddles), here is the email my Mom forwarded to me. I hope you enjoy it too.
The first was from my Mom. I really did like it...so I am going to share it with you in a minute. The other of mention, was one asking me about my love life. The subject line specifically "How is your love life?" The answer..is but an empty one. There isn't much to say about nothing (although I guess Seinfeld made a career out of it) At any rate, I pondered there for a moment, just a moment, and moved on. Maybe I will respond to the question later. Most likely...not. I had an email I forwarded myself from work that contains a link from a local website I visit daily. The link will take you to an article that I found uplifting of sorts.
So without further or do...and because I need to get changed and out of here "Excuse me while I make myself...comfortable" (Madeline Kahn Blazing Saddles), here is the email my Mom forwarded to me. I hope you enjoy it too.
The following was said to be written by a dentist in Australia.
An American
You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was
actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American. So I just thought I would write to let them know what an American is, so they would know when they found one.
An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim.In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them choose.
An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the Government and for God.
An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each man and woman to the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country. As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. The best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes.
Americans welcome the best, but they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed.
These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers in the morning of September 11, earning a better life for their families. [I've been told that the people in the Towers were from at least 30, and maybe many more, other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.]
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.
So look around you. You may find more Americans in your land than you thought were there. One day they will rise up and overthrow the old, ignorant, tired tyrants that trouble too many lands. Then those lands, too, will join the community of free and prosperous nations.
Air Freshener
I have come to the determination that it is Weather Bug that messes with my mouse. Go figure.
I have decided to move past comments and conversation of yesterday. While, I appreciate what this person may have been trying to do, the fact that they will not reveal themselves, after such thought provoking statements, makes it all smell really funny. And my feeling on who it may be, made my comments and feeling that much more driven. At any rate, the whole subject in and of itself, meaning the person that began the subject, is worthless and moot. I don't give it the power to control my actions. While I still struggle with forgiveness of the situation, I don't wish any harm to him or his other. I don't take action in such ways that I have seen other women do to him. Yes...I am not the first he has treated badly, nor will I be the last, I am sure. I can definitly say that I now understand why these other women said what they have and done what they have. His "victimized" perception led me to feel sorry for him. I was certainly mistaken. Any difficulties he suffered and will...were and are, well deserved.
I still believe that what goes around comes around. And I still believe that until you make the wrong done ...right...nothing you do will be 100%. Sometimes, it just takes a little longer. Patience, is definitly a virtue I hold.
Today is Friday. Yee-flipping-haw!
I have decided to move past comments and conversation of yesterday. While, I appreciate what this person may have been trying to do, the fact that they will not reveal themselves, after such thought provoking statements, makes it all smell really funny. And my feeling on who it may be, made my comments and feeling that much more driven. At any rate, the whole subject in and of itself, meaning the person that began the subject, is worthless and moot. I don't give it the power to control my actions. While I still struggle with forgiveness of the situation, I don't wish any harm to him or his other. I don't take action in such ways that I have seen other women do to him. Yes...I am not the first he has treated badly, nor will I be the last, I am sure. I can definitly say that I now understand why these other women said what they have and done what they have. His "victimized" perception led me to feel sorry for him. I was certainly mistaken. Any difficulties he suffered and will...were and are, well deserved.
I still believe that what goes around comes around. And I still believe that until you make the wrong done ...right...nothing you do will be 100%. Sometimes, it just takes a little longer. Patience, is definitly a virtue I hold.
Today is Friday. Yee-flipping-haw!
Thursday, March 03, 2005
I am not done yet
Right. So now this comment has left me on a roll. Since this person has been reading my blog for a while, have they not gotten the sense that I would never do anything to hurt anyone? My anger, my frustration, the good the bad and the ugly come forth in my words. I definitly admit that. It is right here for all to see that care to read. But I have never! taken action or done something to purposfully hurt someone or take revenge. I will say what is on my mind. Many of which, cannot handle. So be it. But my realtionship with God is a personal one. He knows my heart. And only He. DO I ask for forgiveness each day? Damn right I do.
Maybe I get a little flipping tired of being so flipping nice all the time. I would like a little something in return. I am thankful for what I have...don't get me wrong. But damn it if I don't deserve to have someone that can actually treat me with as much courtesy, respect and love that I give in return. I asked for nothing more from this person than simply that. And what did he do? Throw it in my face. He, matt, is the bastard. Or have I hit that right on the head again?
That whole situation does give me grief. Something that I strive to let go of everyday. Not him to let go of...the hurt it caused. It has left me bitter and mis-trusting. 10 fold what was before.
This is my place to vent...to rant. I have every right to say what I feel, and what I feel is completely validated. I don't believe God is going to hold it against me.
Maybe I get a little flipping tired of being so flipping nice all the time. I would like a little something in return. I am thankful for what I have...don't get me wrong. But damn it if I don't deserve to have someone that can actually treat me with as much courtesy, respect and love that I give in return. I asked for nothing more from this person than simply that. And what did he do? Throw it in my face. He, matt, is the bastard. Or have I hit that right on the head again?
That whole situation does give me grief. Something that I strive to let go of everyday. Not him to let go of...the hurt it caused. It has left me bitter and mis-trusting. 10 fold what was before.
This is my place to vent...to rant. I have every right to say what I feel, and what I feel is completely validated. I don't believe God is going to hold it against me.
Heaping some Coals...
I hope he and this girl live happily ever after. I hope he never experiences how loathsome and rauchy his actions made me feel. Blessed be HIS life and relationships. I hope they have tons of babies and that she keeps him warm and comfy at night. I have to say that I will pray for her and that she can be patient with his lying, user, all about me mentality. And even say a prayer for him, that his endeavors be effortless and no one will ever again question his motives. How "easy" it would make it for him. I know he would like that.
Thank you magnificent coward..umm I mean bastard, for giving me a sense of my evil ways.
Grrr.
Thank you magnificent coward..umm I mean bastard, for giving me a sense of my evil ways.
Grrr.
I feel sorry for this girl
I don't think I will ever get used to hearing about a certain person. I don't want to know what is happening with them, who they are with and how well it is going. I don't want to know about the forward movements they are making or if they are happy. I really don't care. I will always hate him for how he treated me. How worthless I was to him. The action was blatant, cruel and just aweful. The one person that understood the feeling, so inflicts it. No better than the Christian committing an act they know is wrong. It won't ever feel "ok". It won't ever spark an ounce of forgiveness in me. He is a hateful person that inspires nothing but hate within me, for him. I have wanted to change this feeling. Move past it. Be the better person, but it keeps coming back to haunt me. I once wished nothing but the best for this person. Now all I wish is failure. Utterly and completely. I will have my day.
Do you get that Matt? Do you "understand"?
Call it rage...call it whatever you want...I call it truth. But you could never grasp that concept, could you?
Do you get that Matt? Do you "understand"?
Call it rage...call it whatever you want...I call it truth. But you could never grasp that concept, could you?
Haunted
What do you want from me?
You peer through my window
Reaching the depths of my mind
My personal thoughts yours to see, to analyze
But not a word of your own do you speak
My own thoughts wonder, yet not a word revealed
Of your hand brush on my cheek, the warmth
Of your fingers on my lips
I have sought and tried to erase the feeling, or to find
The same in some other form, some other way
I close my eyes to shut the door
And move past the entry you blocked
Only to turn and see you standing
in the shade of my shadow
Reading, Writing and Arithmetic
I got the dreaded letter home from my daughters school yesterday. Ya know? The one talking about "The Movie". They no longer refer to it as "Sex Education" but a "Personal Development Program". Uh huh...
Now, I am doing ok with my daughter moving into adolescence (mostly) and we have had age appropriate talks about it all. What I feel is age appropriate. This letter gives no indication as to what this movie will entail or how much depth it goes into. I have heard horror stories from other parents whose children have already made the transition to Middle School and have endured the questions this movie inspires. Frankly, I will be bringing this letter with me to her conference this month and posing a few questions myself. So why don't the "parents" of these children get to view this movie? I would like to know first hand what my daughter is going to be experiencing at the really tender age of 10.
I have to say, that it sometimes gets my britches in an uproar that the schools feel they need to raise my child. I had enough issues with this years elections and particular teachers enforcing their personal beliefs in the classroom. If it is such a huge issue to have christianity in the schools, then keep the rest of it out too. Period. Stick to the basics, thank you very much.
And on this subject of hormone rage...my daughter came up to me last night and said..."Mom, my armpits are getting fuzzy."
Now, I am doing ok with my daughter moving into adolescence (mostly) and we have had age appropriate talks about it all. What I feel is age appropriate. This letter gives no indication as to what this movie will entail or how much depth it goes into. I have heard horror stories from other parents whose children have already made the transition to Middle School and have endured the questions this movie inspires. Frankly, I will be bringing this letter with me to her conference this month and posing a few questions myself. So why don't the "parents" of these children get to view this movie? I would like to know first hand what my daughter is going to be experiencing at the really tender age of 10.
I have to say, that it sometimes gets my britches in an uproar that the schools feel they need to raise my child. I had enough issues with this years elections and particular teachers enforcing their personal beliefs in the classroom. If it is such a huge issue to have christianity in the schools, then keep the rest of it out too. Period. Stick to the basics, thank you very much.
And on this subject of hormone rage...my daughter came up to me last night and said..."Mom, my armpits are getting fuzzy."
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Nice...
I completely impressed the guy I am working with, the past few days, with the fact that I knew how to spell Chardonnay. Hmmm. K. Some people are so easy. He is an intern that has been in our office that I am training on the realitites of the business we do. He is a good guy, but I am not so sure how well he is going to do. I have to say, that although he is occupying WAY too much of my time, our personalities click and I have enjoyed talking to him.
My mom stopped by today. She is so awesome. She has been listening to my grief over work as late and brought me in some beautiful roses
and fresh squeezed orange juice. (yum) How cool is that? God, I love her. She has a mess of stuff she is dealing with herself, but yet she took the time to make my mess seem much less. I am blessed...
I haven't gotten much accomplished today, where work is concerned. But decided to take my lunch break anyway. Way too much focus has been put on something, that is really "just a job".
My mom stopped by today. She is so awesome. She has been listening to my grief over work as late and brought me in some beautiful roses
and fresh squeezed orange juice. (yum) How cool is that? God, I love her. She has a mess of stuff she is dealing with herself, but yet she took the time to make my mess seem much less. I am blessed...I haven't gotten much accomplished today, where work is concerned. But decided to take my lunch break anyway. Way too much focus has been put on something, that is really "just a job".
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Nothing quotable
Didn't I mention earlier that I am faking it pretty good at work? Well...scratch that. I think I have also mentioned how transparent I can be, even when I am trying to hide.
My boss called me in his office this afternoon. I thought for sure...it wasn't good. I did something...said something...or was perceived in a wrong way etc... He said I needed to voice my frustration to him more. That I was too quiet about what has been going on. He asked if I felt overwhelmed with all that was being expected of me, the difficulties we have been faced with etc. I sort of felt like this was a trick question. One of those, where no answer is a right one? Whatever I say will be turned around into something negative. I sat for a moment and thought, holding back my emotion (which has been getting the better of me after I get off work) and wondered how I was going to answer him. Before I could, (saved by the boss not liking silence) he chimed in about how I can vent to him. I thought...hmmm, Well, I vent, I most certainly do that (thanks mom). But to him? I don't think so. He said that I need to delegate some work towards him, but yet he is the one that adds to my plate each day. The meeting left me a bit confused, but he did say that I was doing an "awesome job". It felt nice to hear...but I think he was just trying to diffuse what could have been explosive.
I have been really close to taking the plunge and quitting. One of those "I don't care what happens" moments "But this will make me feel a whole lot better"
It isn't the smart thing to do but at the same time...it would feel really good. For a minute, until the smart part comes back and you realize you have no way to support yourself and your child. My boss knows how I feel about this. How badly I need to work. He knows I won't up and leave because of it and will deal with whatever comes my way. He told me today, that he doesn't want me to think that he is taking advantage of me. I had no response to that statement.
My boss called me in his office this afternoon. I thought for sure...it wasn't good. I did something...said something...or was perceived in a wrong way etc... He said I needed to voice my frustration to him more. That I was too quiet about what has been going on. He asked if I felt overwhelmed with all that was being expected of me, the difficulties we have been faced with etc. I sort of felt like this was a trick question. One of those, where no answer is a right one? Whatever I say will be turned around into something negative. I sat for a moment and thought, holding back my emotion (which has been getting the better of me after I get off work) and wondered how I was going to answer him. Before I could, (saved by the boss not liking silence) he chimed in about how I can vent to him. I thought...hmmm, Well, I vent, I most certainly do that (thanks mom). But to him? I don't think so. He said that I need to delegate some work towards him, but yet he is the one that adds to my plate each day. The meeting left me a bit confused, but he did say that I was doing an "awesome job". It felt nice to hear...but I think he was just trying to diffuse what could have been explosive.
I have been really close to taking the plunge and quitting. One of those "I don't care what happens" moments "But this will make me feel a whole lot better"
It isn't the smart thing to do but at the same time...it would feel really good. For a minute, until the smart part comes back and you realize you have no way to support yourself and your child. My boss knows how I feel about this. How badly I need to work. He knows I won't up and leave because of it and will deal with whatever comes my way. He told me today, that he doesn't want me to think that he is taking advantage of me. I had no response to that statement.
Above it all
My negativity towards my job needs to take a back seat. My attitude of late, hasn't been good, even though I am faking it pretty well at work. This email I got today, just confirmed my thoughts as I woke this morning. In the big scheme of things, it really isn't a big deal. If I strive and do my best, good will come. Period. I need to have faith in that, absolute belief. I have learned these "detachment" exercises within other parts of my emotional life this last year. (apparently too detached where relationships are concerned) I need to apply them to my work as well. I spend so much time working, that it has become more than just an escape. It is more of an excuse not to feel the more personal side of my life. In doing so, my work has become my personal side. How sad is that? I find myself upset when I can't "fix" something for one of my clients, help them. I have to realize there is only so much I can do. I have done my best and it is good enough.
My Daily OM
A Distant Perspective
Benefits Of Detachment
Looking out the window while riding in an airplane lends a unique perspective. From high among the clouds, homes and highways appear tiny and toy-like. Suddenly, our crowded and important cities seem like just a small part of a busy universe. According to the Law of Yoga, one of the seven spiritual truths of Hinduism, we can also see our private lives from a new point of view by practicing detachment. By purposefully letting go of the end result of our actions and learning to watch our own thoughts and behavior impartially, we gain new insight into the diverse choices available to us. The goal of detachment is to be able to interact with the world while also watching ourselves, to be both actor and witness at the same time.
Those who renounce the desire for an award, according to the Bhagavad-Gita, attain perfect peace. Being overly focused on the outcome of an action actually ties one down, while being detached enough to view the relativity of the situation sets one free and lends tranquility. Being detached does not mean that one can't enjoy anything or anyone. It just refers to the fact that clinging very strongly to a person, a thought pattern or an emotional habit makes it difficult to cope with life. We begin to think that if we don't get a specific job or have a certain relationship, we will be miserable. Being detached means saying that if we achieve a certain goal, we will be fine and if for some reason we don't, we will still be fine. A Buddhist saying describes detachment as "Not flattered by praise, not hurt by blame."
Once we are able to detach ourselves from difficulty, we gain a broad perspective and a multiplicity of possibilities become apparent. Many solutions that we would never have considered when we were emotionally drowning in the problem now appear. When you are faced with a particularly trying personal problem, try taking some time to consciously detach yourself. Meditation, listening to calming music and taking a long walk are all possible detachment rituals. Traveling to another location either actually or through a favorite book or film are also good ways of finding a new perspective. When you let go of your limited view and gain greater objectivity, you put the law of Yoga into practice. You open the door to greater intuition and increased serenity.
My Daily OM
A Distant Perspective
Benefits Of Detachment
Looking out the window while riding in an airplane lends a unique perspective. From high among the clouds, homes and highways appear tiny and toy-like. Suddenly, our crowded and important cities seem like just a small part of a busy universe. According to the Law of Yoga, one of the seven spiritual truths of Hinduism, we can also see our private lives from a new point of view by practicing detachment. By purposefully letting go of the end result of our actions and learning to watch our own thoughts and behavior impartially, we gain new insight into the diverse choices available to us. The goal of detachment is to be able to interact with the world while also watching ourselves, to be both actor and witness at the same time.
Those who renounce the desire for an award, according to the Bhagavad-Gita, attain perfect peace. Being overly focused on the outcome of an action actually ties one down, while being detached enough to view the relativity of the situation sets one free and lends tranquility. Being detached does not mean that one can't enjoy anything or anyone. It just refers to the fact that clinging very strongly to a person, a thought pattern or an emotional habit makes it difficult to cope with life. We begin to think that if we don't get a specific job or have a certain relationship, we will be miserable. Being detached means saying that if we achieve a certain goal, we will be fine and if for some reason we don't, we will still be fine. A Buddhist saying describes detachment as "Not flattered by praise, not hurt by blame."
Once we are able to detach ourselves from difficulty, we gain a broad perspective and a multiplicity of possibilities become apparent. Many solutions that we would never have considered when we were emotionally drowning in the problem now appear. When you are faced with a particularly trying personal problem, try taking some time to consciously detach yourself. Meditation, listening to calming music and taking a long walk are all possible detachment rituals. Traveling to another location either actually or through a favorite book or film are also good ways of finding a new perspective. When you let go of your limited view and gain greater objectivity, you put the law of Yoga into practice. You open the door to greater intuition and increased serenity.
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