Not much in the way of movies. My niece is coming to spend the afternoon and night with us and I thought it would be fun to go out and have some girl fun. Dinner, movie...shopping. :P It must be the lull before all the new releases come out in May. I am not going to take 2 ten year olds to see Ashton Kutcher strut around in his underwear, playing the dumb guy. In either of his movies. Perhaps, Hitchhiker would be ok...not sure I want to lay down hard earned money for that, however.
Speaking of money, I turned in the application yesterday. This thing looked like a book. Between my resume, cover and references and their application, I needed a binder to hold it all together. My resume is actually very compact, straight and to the point, a one pager..but their application wanted more information than I have ever given. Not sure how they are going to feel about that hang nail on my big toe I had a few years back...
The job sounds awesome though. And as a single parent, would be just what the Dr. ordered. Medical benefits. I can't tell you how much I have spent on Dr. bills alone. I have no insurance. And the sperm donor doesn't do jack to help with any of it. It is fine, I can do it on my own (mostly) but it would be nice to feel some pressure relief where that is concerned.
I have often thought of going back to college. I did the 2 year thing when I was younger. But most employers could care unless it is a bonafide 4 year degree. So sue me, I had to work full time and support my folks. Family was a priority. I have tried to get some help going back to college. Their answer to me? I have too many skills to warrant getting a better education. Basically, I wasn't dumb enough. Right...it is fine. I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up anyway. Perhaps one day. When Rachel is grown and on her own, I can get that Journalism degree or whatever I decide at the time. Right now, she needs me around. Working full time and going to school full time would not afford her that. And she is my priority.
The sun is shining today and it looks like some flip flops are in order....
Enjoy yours...
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Friday, April 29, 2005
Don't make me...
I have been asked a number of times, why my user name on certain sites, is what it is. Missysmayhem. "What does that mean?" They ask. Well tonight was an example.
Sophie has been sick. She is drugged up and I need to keep her indoors. I open the back door and she runs out. I am standing there in my pantyhose, after kicking off my heels from work, and don't want to go out on the wet pavement and run them all up. So, I ask my daughter to go get her for me. She doesn't have shoes on...I say "...it is ok, just go out and get your feet dirty, there is nothing wrong with that." Rach says "No, I need shoes...icky." She puts her new flip flops on, goes running out onto the steps and flies onto her butt. Skimming the edge of the step with her rear and sliding the rest of the way down to the patio. Ouch. She cries, the cat freaks and takes off towards the gate. I try to comfort my crying daughter, helping her up, making sure I am not making a visit to the emergency room, all the while keeping an eye on the cat, that is high as a kite, trying to escape. Luckily she was too looped to jump up the fence. Rachel is on the couch, ice bag soothing her left booty cheek and the cat is now staring at the speck on the wall again. Containing my laughter from the moment just past, I tell my daughter "Well, the skin is a bit scraped and most likely will bruise, but at least it didn't damage that cute freckle on your butt!" She giggles, rolls her eyes and all is well.
It is only momentary mayhem, but it exists nonetheless.
I have had a lot of thought going on in my head today. Mostly about relationships. Of course. Seems to be what seeing him, inspires in me these days. Anyway, I was in my room, trying to curl up with a book while waiting for the pizza delivery. I couldn't concentrate on it though. I kept thinking, imagining someone next to me, curled up behind, arms around me. How nice it would feel again. Knowing that someone cares so much to cradle you inside themselves. I was lost at that point. I closed my eyes and imagined what it might feel like to feel that for somebody. The companionship, the walks and talks and laughter. Sharing life and the moments it brings. I miss it. Don't get me wrong. I am happy with my life. There are just some things I would like to be...different. I guess prince charming, or even just a nice guy, is having trouble crossing the river.
Sophie has been sick. She is drugged up and I need to keep her indoors. I open the back door and she runs out. I am standing there in my pantyhose, after kicking off my heels from work, and don't want to go out on the wet pavement and run them all up. So, I ask my daughter to go get her for me. She doesn't have shoes on...I say "...it is ok, just go out and get your feet dirty, there is nothing wrong with that." Rach says "No, I need shoes...icky." She puts her new flip flops on, goes running out onto the steps and flies onto her butt. Skimming the edge of the step with her rear and sliding the rest of the way down to the patio. Ouch. She cries, the cat freaks and takes off towards the gate. I try to comfort my crying daughter, helping her up, making sure I am not making a visit to the emergency room, all the while keeping an eye on the cat, that is high as a kite, trying to escape. Luckily she was too looped to jump up the fence. Rachel is on the couch, ice bag soothing her left booty cheek and the cat is now staring at the speck on the wall again. Containing my laughter from the moment just past, I tell my daughter "Well, the skin is a bit scraped and most likely will bruise, but at least it didn't damage that cute freckle on your butt!" She giggles, rolls her eyes and all is well.
It is only momentary mayhem, but it exists nonetheless.
I have had a lot of thought going on in my head today. Mostly about relationships. Of course. Seems to be what seeing him, inspires in me these days. Anyway, I was in my room, trying to curl up with a book while waiting for the pizza delivery. I couldn't concentrate on it though. I kept thinking, imagining someone next to me, curled up behind, arms around me. How nice it would feel again. Knowing that someone cares so much to cradle you inside themselves. I was lost at that point. I closed my eyes and imagined what it might feel like to feel that for somebody. The companionship, the walks and talks and laughter. Sharing life and the moments it brings. I miss it. Don't get me wrong. I am happy with my life. There are just some things I would like to be...different. I guess prince charming, or even just a nice guy, is having trouble crossing the river.
Hind-sight
Why do I always feel so weird when I see him? I saw him in the parking lot outside my work today. With his girlfriend, wife, live-in or whatever it is. Soemthing didn't look right. Something seemed wrong. I was in the store when he was there but I didn't see him. Most likely a good thing. I did see him come out though. I wanted so bad to run up to him and embrace, laugh and make it something it is not. Why can't I shake this? It drives me nuts. So my anger is gone and I am back to that deep feeling of...something. Arg... So what do I do? (And please don;t kick me when you see me...I am doing it already) I call. I am sure he wouldn't have answered if he was near his phone, so I left a message. Saying that I hope things are ok etc. I won't hear back. I don't expect to. Why shold he? But I wanted to at least say I hope all is well despite all that came before.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Baby bumble bee
It will be Friday. In exactly 1 hour and 15 minutes. Ok so, from when I started this post. Most likely, by the time I am done, it will be more like 15 minutes...or less. It takes me a while to spit stuff out. I walk around, flip through a book, pet my cat...think. I even do that when I am not really concentrating and writing a bunch of blather to clear my head for sleep. Much like I am doing now. Ahem.
Anyway, Noggin' was really trying to be nice today. She even told me that I looked "cute" this morning. Go figure. I already knew I did anyway. :P I am kidding. I was nice. Really.
My cat, Sophia, has been sick the past couple days. I wasn't sure what was wrong, so I took her in to the Dr. They didn't know either since everything checked out good. But she is in pain, somewhere, and to remedy, they prescribed some anti-inflamatory with narcotics. Poor thing is loopier than me after 2 glasses of wine. I held her in my arms, wrapped in a blanket and she just laid there staring at a spec on the wall for about 10 minutes tonight. Her eyes dialated, and her body motionless. Must be some good stuff. Noggin' asked me "Why don't you just get another cat?" "What?" I said. "Well if she dies, just go get another cat. It's just a cat" She said, rather matter-of-factly. After a little more probing, I found out that she doesn't like animals. At all. She said she wasn't raised with them and so doesn't see a need or understand why anyone would become attached to them. Ok..I thought. I do think that some people are a bit fanatical when it comes to their pets. I would never put a pet before another human being. But to some people, their pets are like their children. It brings them joy, fulfilling a desire to care and nurture something. You can't fault them for that. She doesn't understand that need. It would seem to me, that, that explains a lot about the kind of person I am realizing her to be. Something lacking there. In my opinion.
Aside from Noggin', my daughter was very concerned today. She even called me from school asking if I would be taking Sophia in, and to call and let her know what time it would be. She took Sophia's collar to school, to keep her with her and in her thoughts. Dramatic you think? Perhaps. But you see, Sophia was the one stable unconditional joy in Rachel's life when there was so much change and circumstance happening in our world the past few years. Grounding has found our family of two now, but it has only made that bond between my little girl and her kitty that much stronger. I am glad she feels empathy and concern. Caring and devotion, for something other than herself. They are good qualities to have. And sadly, not everyone has them.
Anyway, Noggin' was really trying to be nice today. She even told me that I looked "cute" this morning. Go figure. I already knew I did anyway. :P I am kidding. I was nice. Really.
My cat, Sophia, has been sick the past couple days. I wasn't sure what was wrong, so I took her in to the Dr. They didn't know either since everything checked out good. But she is in pain, somewhere, and to remedy, they prescribed some anti-inflamatory with narcotics. Poor thing is loopier than me after 2 glasses of wine. I held her in my arms, wrapped in a blanket and she just laid there staring at a spec on the wall for about 10 minutes tonight. Her eyes dialated, and her body motionless. Must be some good stuff. Noggin' asked me "Why don't you just get another cat?" "What?" I said. "Well if she dies, just go get another cat. It's just a cat" She said, rather matter-of-factly. After a little more probing, I found out that she doesn't like animals. At all. She said she wasn't raised with them and so doesn't see a need or understand why anyone would become attached to them. Ok..I thought. I do think that some people are a bit fanatical when it comes to their pets. I would never put a pet before another human being. But to some people, their pets are like their children. It brings them joy, fulfilling a desire to care and nurture something. You can't fault them for that. She doesn't understand that need. It would seem to me, that, that explains a lot about the kind of person I am realizing her to be. Something lacking there. In my opinion.
Aside from Noggin', my daughter was very concerned today. She even called me from school asking if I would be taking Sophia in, and to call and let her know what time it would be. She took Sophia's collar to school, to keep her with her and in her thoughts. Dramatic you think? Perhaps. But you see, Sophia was the one stable unconditional joy in Rachel's life when there was so much change and circumstance happening in our world the past few years. Grounding has found our family of two now, but it has only made that bond between my little girl and her kitty that much stronger. I am glad she feels empathy and concern. Caring and devotion, for something other than herself. They are good qualities to have. And sadly, not everyone has them.
Na-na Na-na PooPoo
*Title pimped from Super Nanny*
After watching the show (yes I watched TV this week) I was amazed at how some children actually do behave. I am not so naive to think otherwise. But Rachel really was such a wonderful infant, and toddler. (for the most part, a couple bites here and there) She had her moments. At the age of 5, she went through some rage episodes that induced hours of prayer and a few grey hairs. But all in all she was, Is, a blessing. I like Super Nanny. Not only for the fact that she is all about structure and routine where children are concerned, but she isn't some skinny, blonde haired blue eyed Barbie-esque TV hostess. She is the average beautiful woman. Yeah! and she rocks.
So...I am blogging. During the middle of the day. Ha! Neener neener. Ok yeah I am home right now, but still. I feel victory, nevertheless.
After watching the show (yes I watched TV this week) I was amazed at how some children actually do behave. I am not so naive to think otherwise. But Rachel really was such a wonderful infant, and toddler. (for the most part, a couple bites here and there) She had her moments. At the age of 5, she went through some rage episodes that induced hours of prayer and a few grey hairs. But all in all she was, Is, a blessing. I like Super Nanny. Not only for the fact that she is all about structure and routine where children are concerned, but she isn't some skinny, blonde haired blue eyed Barbie-esque TV hostess. She is the average beautiful woman. Yeah! and she rocks.
So...I am blogging. During the middle of the day. Ha! Neener neener. Ok yeah I am home right now, but still. I feel victory, nevertheless.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
New ways
Right. So the day has come where I can no longer access Blogger from work. It figures. I knew it was something inevitable. At some point, they were going to get up with the times and block the site. My company is very strict on what we use the internet for. I didn't post that often from work, only once in a great while during break, but I did like the option of being able to read and respond to comments as they appeared versus waiting to catch up when I got home. Besides, there were just times when I needed to vent a bit about work. So...the next thing? Email my posts. :P
Noggin' is an annoying little wench today. She decided to get confrontational with me. Which was fine, but with my mood lately it wasn't a good thing. It ended up a draw, so far as I can see. We have to work together. She sees it her way and I see it how it is for me. There is no compromise where opinion is concerned. So long as she keeps her nasty comments to herself, I am fine.
However, I found a nice little job posting in the local paper. It sounds awesome, I can do it well and it pays about 1k more per month than what I am already making. AND….it has full benefits. Something I can only drool over the thought of right now. No bene's at my job. None. The only I get is 12 personal days a year…no sick time…no vaca…no health and no retirement. The personal days are nice, I can use them as I want, but I can't roll them over or take payment if I don't use them. A use or lose policy. My boss scolded me today because our numbers are low…he warned me that I don't want to see him when he gets pushy. Ummm, so, what? He thinks I haven't seen him that way? Whatever. I surpassed what our goals were for the first quarter (that nice little bonus I had to share with Noggin', who wasn't here and didn't do jack?) So, we are down a little…and not really all that much, but he is having a fit.
This job I am applying for, is looking that much more tasty with every word he spews at me. He wouldn't miss me anyway…he's got Noggin' now.
Noggin' is an annoying little wench today. She decided to get confrontational with me. Which was fine, but with my mood lately it wasn't a good thing. It ended up a draw, so far as I can see. We have to work together. She sees it her way and I see it how it is for me. There is no compromise where opinion is concerned. So long as she keeps her nasty comments to herself, I am fine.
However, I found a nice little job posting in the local paper. It sounds awesome, I can do it well and it pays about 1k more per month than what I am already making. AND….it has full benefits. Something I can only drool over the thought of right now. No bene's at my job. None. The only I get is 12 personal days a year…no sick time…no vaca…no health and no retirement. The personal days are nice, I can use them as I want, but I can't roll them over or take payment if I don't use them. A use or lose policy. My boss scolded me today because our numbers are low…he warned me that I don't want to see him when he gets pushy. Ummm, so, what? He thinks I haven't seen him that way? Whatever. I surpassed what our goals were for the first quarter (that nice little bonus I had to share with Noggin', who wasn't here and didn't do jack?) So, we are down a little…and not really all that much, but he is having a fit.
This job I am applying for, is looking that much more tasty with every word he spews at me. He wouldn't miss me anyway…he's got Noggin' now.
Even the sandman...
I finally answered his email. The one he sent last week, apologizing for not contacting me. He said he was confused. He didn't know what he wanted. Well...buddy...your 43. And you don't know what you want? You don't know what is important and real? I am sorry. But I heard the same things from a 30 year old, not too long ago, and it didn't go over to well with me then, either. Obviously, it isn't me you do want. So move along. I am not going to wait around till he decides, only to find myself set aside. Again. I am worth more than some "I don't know what I feel." I am not...going to let myself feel that kind of hurt again.
I had tried to lay down and sleep. But I had that nasty flashback thing where you find yourself in a moment past.
"You know where to find me." he said as he stood at my door. "I won't come looking." I snapped back. All the while thinking 'cause he will be with another woman'.
I had tried to lay down and sleep. But I had that nasty flashback thing where you find yourself in a moment past.
"You know where to find me." he said as he stood at my door. "I won't come looking." I snapped back. All the while thinking 'cause he will be with another woman'.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
1-20-2001
She is 6 and he is about to turn 6. This picture was sent to me by his Mom, my best friend. How cute they are. Looking at the date of the photo, I remember the time. Where I was living, how hard it was and how I would find myself escaping back to where I called home, as often as I could. When they were this age, they often would be caught talking of how they would be married one day. Of course, they would date others first. But it always came back to each other. Funny, cause they were more like brother and sister. They've known each other since Rachel was 13 months and Brandon was 7 months. They've been growing up together. At some times closer than others. Cute little boogers aren't they?
Monday, April 25, 2005
Stalking Jack
Rachel's Poem ~ (and picture this in the shape of a crown. She wrote it out in shape, jewels and all)
Me, Me, Me!
Everyone wants to be me
I know everyone loves me
I sit on my throne
And let it be known
No one is just like me!
Ha! No self-esteem issues there eh? She cracks me up. Speaking of laughing...since TECH's post about Abbott and Costello Meets Frankenstein, I had to break out some of my own old movies and share the joy of Abbot and Costello with my daughter. She goes in my room to put in the tape and says "Mom...the door to the VHS won't open! and I can't find the power button!" "Open?" I ask. "Rach...you just put the tape in and it starts." Good Lord.... In this age of DVD has she really forgotten how to use the VHS? The one in my room is a combo. VHS and DVD. VHS doesn't get much use, obviously. I feel so old. I still have all my record albums...yeah..I mean actual vinyl. All my 45's, cassettes and I have an actual working record player. Wow...huh? I just can't seem to part with them all.
Anyway...she liked the movie. She looked at the cover and said "Hey I have read about these guys in history." History? Is she serious? Ugh. I suffered through her comments about the quality of the animation inserts and black and white film. I told her to quit analyzing it and just enjoy what it offers.
Yes...she is just like me.
Donuts
It really bothers me when someone gets kudos for something they didn't do. Credit is taken away from the responsible party, their hard work and time. I hate it. I know, hate is a strong word. But...I hate it. Why can't I open my mouth and say something? Why did I say... "Oh no...I understand. Your the boss." How stupid. He even asked me what I thought. I said I didn't want to be greedy, but that the decision was up to him as to what he thought he should do. I deserved every bit of the recognition that came down. I worked my ass off, by myself I might add. Literally.
I feel like I don't have much right to complain. It is my own fault that I do not stand up for myself. I walk away, avoid conflict (where work is concerned) and just let it roll off my back. Sorta. It has happened to me in each of my jobs. I am asked for input, a great idea comes forth, but you would never know it came from me. Was I thought of to be mentioned as having the idea in the first place? No. I can't tell you how many times that has happened. Fine...I think to myself. I know that it was my idea and some gratification does come from that. Even if it is only within myself. So I let it go. Just like today. I let it go and now I am kicking myself in the ass because Noggin' got credit and reward for something she had nothing to do with. She sat in her chair and occupied air for...oh what? 10 days between the months of January through March...and apparently that was enough to warrant it. It sucks. I hate it. And it is my own damn fault.
I feel like I don't have much right to complain. It is my own fault that I do not stand up for myself. I walk away, avoid conflict (where work is concerned) and just let it roll off my back. Sorta. It has happened to me in each of my jobs. I am asked for input, a great idea comes forth, but you would never know it came from me. Was I thought of to be mentioned as having the idea in the first place? No. I can't tell you how many times that has happened. Fine...I think to myself. I know that it was my idea and some gratification does come from that. Even if it is only within myself. So I let it go. Just like today. I let it go and now I am kicking myself in the ass because Noggin' got credit and reward for something she had nothing to do with. She sat in her chair and occupied air for...oh what? 10 days between the months of January through March...and apparently that was enough to warrant it. It sucks. I hate it. And it is my own damn fault.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Step to the left
Hummm...my weekend. Welp. I had a great dinner party Saturday night. Nothing fancy, just intimate (in my small house you can't much more than intimate). But I thought it was fun. I love to entertain, fix something good to eat for my favorite people, laughter, conversation and whatever else may happen. I have to say, that my dad sure can shake his booty. :P Who knew? But, I also have to say, that I can live without eating another helping of leftover chicken enchiladas for a while. Ugh... One word? Tums
Today? Pretty easy going. Went for a long drive to visit some friends, took some pictures, stopped at Target to pick up some essentials and then home to some more leftovers. Tums...
Speaking of pictures...I am not sure how long I can do this "Self Portrait" thingy. I will take pictures of just about anything. Ask my daughter. But myself? I don't like it. I don't like taking them of myself or of someone else taking them of me. I like to be the behind the scenes one where that is concerned. But...I am trying. I am still trying to understand how this is going to help me.
Monday will be here shortly...how such a long blink of an eye, can be so short in mind, is one of those...oxymorons. I think that is what I mean. Humm...
Today? Pretty easy going. Went for a long drive to visit some friends, took some pictures, stopped at Target to pick up some essentials and then home to some more leftovers. Tums...
Speaking of pictures...I am not sure how long I can do this "Self Portrait" thingy. I will take pictures of just about anything. Ask my daughter. But myself? I don't like it. I don't like taking them of myself or of someone else taking them of me. I like to be the behind the scenes one where that is concerned. But...I am trying. I am still trying to understand how this is going to help me.
Monday will be here shortly...how such a long blink of an eye, can be so short in mind, is one of those...oxymorons. I think that is what I mean. Humm...
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Can I use a calculator?
I spent my evening, last night, shopping with my daughter. Costco always brings such interesting looks. Especially on a Friday night. The store is usually quite empty, except for the older empty nesters not sure how to spend their free time with each other. A movie and dinner, I guess, didn't seem right. Or, those getting ready for some BBQ or party and this place has the bulk they need.
My daughter and I bebop through the warehouse, making fun of this or that, racing shopping carts and Oooo-ing over an item here and there. I get these looks and stares. I wonder what they are thinking...Is it so obvious that I am single? Do they wonder why? Or see it so plainly...I just ignore them and go about my fun. Part of me cringes when I see a family. A Mom...a Dad.. and babies wanting something so bad. Out to dinner we went. But not without seeing a few we knew. Small towns have their benefits and drawbacks. We headed home, before long and I helped Rach with her homework. "How many tablespoons in a quart Mama?" fluttering her lashes and grinning.
"Hmmm, well, 2 tbs in an ounce, 8 ounces in a cup, 2 cups per pint and 2 pints per quart. Do the math baby." With her homework done and the night behind us, we went off to the bedroom. She laid in bed with me and we played with the camera, taking pictures in the dark. Some were so funny and it was always a surprise to see what the flash would give us next. I laid there awake, thinking of how much she has grown. Such changes in a person, in what seems, a handful of years. I am proud, I am worried, and I wonder what the next handful will bring.
My daughter and I bebop through the warehouse, making fun of this or that, racing shopping carts and Oooo-ing over an item here and there. I get these looks and stares. I wonder what they are thinking...Is it so obvious that I am single? Do they wonder why? Or see it so plainly...I just ignore them and go about my fun. Part of me cringes when I see a family. A Mom...a Dad.. and babies wanting something so bad. Out to dinner we went. But not without seeing a few we knew. Small towns have their benefits and drawbacks. We headed home, before long and I helped Rach with her homework. "How many tablespoons in a quart Mama?" fluttering her lashes and grinning.
"Hmmm, well, 2 tbs in an ounce, 8 ounces in a cup, 2 cups per pint and 2 pints per quart. Do the math baby." With her homework done and the night behind us, we went off to the bedroom. She laid in bed with me and we played with the camera, taking pictures in the dark. Some were so funny and it was always a surprise to see what the flash would give us next. I laid there awake, thinking of how much she has grown. Such changes in a person, in what seems, a handful of years. I am proud, I am worried, and I wonder what the next handful will bring. I talked to my friend Debbie today. I told her of my dream and how I didn't think I could feel love for someone in the way that I used to. I said that with all the men I have dated this last year, not one of them do I feel I could or could have. And it wasn't with them that the problem lied. It was within myself. She asked me if I ever really have. I said yes. I have.
Wake up calls
And there I was.
His folks were ill. I hadn't realy known them, except in passing, but yet found myself drawn to comforting them and offering my support. The home was modest. Outside sat a parking lot, or almost a wrecking yard type with older model cars parked one next, almost on top of each other. I thought about going in, but realized he was there and thought I should leave. I tried to. But just as before my key broke at the point of stress and there I was holding the pieces in my hand. The vision was similar, like when it happened with my house key, only this time it was my car and I was stuck. I had no choice but to go in the house and ask for a ride. He would take me. (he took me to get my key fixed but on return my car was trapped amidst the wreckage) I was glad but at the same time worried at what might transpire. Would he think I did it with purpose? Or understand it was just fate? It didn't matter. I had my daughter with me and needed to get it done. I paused for a moment in the home. His father was sick, very much so, and his mother was there too. Although, divorced, she still cared for him deeply and was sick over the thought of her ex-husband being ill, that she fell weak herself. She wasn't as I remembered her. She was small, frail and worried beyond return. His fathers newer family stood in the other room with him. We left. At first, the site of his car was that of fanciful sports legend, dorrs that opened up instead of out, shiny red paint but when I entered it, it looked like my old 1977 Camaro. Just redone with some sort of spray over the body. It was odd to see him in such an old heavy car. But I remembered him saying that he wanted a car for the winters here. Something that was better in the snow. I thought...."wow, this wasn't a good choice." Only because I already knew what they were like in the snow. Rear wheel drive is not a plus. I even wondered for a moment, if it was actually my old car fixed up a little. Odd what you think when you are in the company of someone that still makes you nervous.
Next thing, we are at my home. Sitting at the foot of my bed. He on one end and me on the other. We talked. Some lighthearted conversation and then I said "Not to beat a dead horse, but what happened?" And we talked some more. He didn't know, I didn't know and soon we were closer. I felt his lips on my neck. That warm feeling that gives me chills. His lips moved to mine and there we were, again. I thought "this is wrong. How can he when he is still with her?" and I pictured her dark hair in my mind. But the thought quickly flew with the feeling. The feeling of something so deep down. That feeling of this is what is supposed to be. That feeling like you have never felt before with anyone else. The kiss was long, real and wanted.
And then I woke up. And I cried. And I wrote it out so I wouldn't forget. But sitting here typing out what details remain, I realize that this was one of those dreams I don't forget. The realness and vision of it, is one of those ones that stay with me. It is like I am supposed to wait until it plays out. I can't explain. I can't detail enough the feeling that comes with it and the nausea that follows. It just is.
His folks were ill. I hadn't realy known them, except in passing, but yet found myself drawn to comforting them and offering my support. The home was modest. Outside sat a parking lot, or almost a wrecking yard type with older model cars parked one next, almost on top of each other. I thought about going in, but realized he was there and thought I should leave. I tried to. But just as before my key broke at the point of stress and there I was holding the pieces in my hand. The vision was similar, like when it happened with my house key, only this time it was my car and I was stuck. I had no choice but to go in the house and ask for a ride. He would take me. (he took me to get my key fixed but on return my car was trapped amidst the wreckage) I was glad but at the same time worried at what might transpire. Would he think I did it with purpose? Or understand it was just fate? It didn't matter. I had my daughter with me and needed to get it done. I paused for a moment in the home. His father was sick, very much so, and his mother was there too. Although, divorced, she still cared for him deeply and was sick over the thought of her ex-husband being ill, that she fell weak herself. She wasn't as I remembered her. She was small, frail and worried beyond return. His fathers newer family stood in the other room with him. We left. At first, the site of his car was that of fanciful sports legend, dorrs that opened up instead of out, shiny red paint but when I entered it, it looked like my old 1977 Camaro. Just redone with some sort of spray over the body. It was odd to see him in such an old heavy car. But I remembered him saying that he wanted a car for the winters here. Something that was better in the snow. I thought...."wow, this wasn't a good choice." Only because I already knew what they were like in the snow. Rear wheel drive is not a plus. I even wondered for a moment, if it was actually my old car fixed up a little. Odd what you think when you are in the company of someone that still makes you nervous.
Next thing, we are at my home. Sitting at the foot of my bed. He on one end and me on the other. We talked. Some lighthearted conversation and then I said "Not to beat a dead horse, but what happened?" And we talked some more. He didn't know, I didn't know and soon we were closer. I felt his lips on my neck. That warm feeling that gives me chills. His lips moved to mine and there we were, again. I thought "this is wrong. How can he when he is still with her?" and I pictured her dark hair in my mind. But the thought quickly flew with the feeling. The feeling of something so deep down. That feeling of this is what is supposed to be. That feeling like you have never felt before with anyone else. The kiss was long, real and wanted.
And then I woke up. And I cried. And I wrote it out so I wouldn't forget. But sitting here typing out what details remain, I realize that this was one of those dreams I don't forget. The realness and vision of it, is one of those ones that stay with me. It is like I am supposed to wait until it plays out. I can't explain. I can't detail enough the feeling that comes with it and the nausea that follows. It just is.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Furry me
Sophia. She had issues with letting me post this morning...
Nosey Kitty. She, apparently, doesn't know about the rule of not reading over someones shoulder. Of course, in this case, she stepped right in front of me.
I really am trying to have a good day. I popped way more than my daily dosage of vitamin B complex...for that added good mood...but Noggin' is pushing her limit today. She is being ultra sensitive to any comment I make, or request to get something done. Which, in turn, is annoying the heck out of me that I need to walk on eggshells with her. I don't kiss my boss' arse, much less hers.
But look at my kitty up there ^ isn't she cute? A feisty little boogar...but cute nonetheless. What is it that they say about pets and their owners? Teehee...
Nosey Kitty. She, apparently, doesn't know about the rule of not reading over someones shoulder. Of course, in this case, she stepped right in front of me.
I really am trying to have a good day. I popped way more than my daily dosage of vitamin B complex...for that added good mood...but Noggin' is pushing her limit today. She is being ultra sensitive to any comment I make, or request to get something done. Which, in turn, is annoying the heck out of me that I need to walk on eggshells with her. I don't kiss my boss' arse, much less hers.
But look at my kitty up there ^ isn't she cute? A feisty little boogar...but cute nonetheless. What is it that they say about pets and their owners? Teehee...
Scratching off the list
It's Friday! Yeah! (really)
I have a busy day ahead of me...but the fact that it is Friday over-rules it all.
There is about 5 items on my desk that I need to finish writing and send off, a computer tech is coming in to install a new computer for the intern to use while he is here for 12 weeks (starting in May), a few things to get done on the personal front and a myriad of other stuff too. But...it is Friday. Happily will I go about my business...
Enjoy yours...
I have a busy day ahead of me...but the fact that it is Friday over-rules it all.
There is about 5 items on my desk that I need to finish writing and send off, a computer tech is coming in to install a new computer for the intern to use while he is here for 12 weeks (starting in May), a few things to get done on the personal front and a myriad of other stuff too. But...it is Friday. Happily will I go about my business...
Enjoy yours...
Thursday, April 21, 2005
One is...
I had this whole post about Noggin' that I had written earlier today. But, it all seems rather pointless. The girl is a walking doorknob. Oh no...wait...doorknobs are useful items. Let's say...ummm...hmmmm I can't seem to think of something that doesn't have some use to someone somewhere. Maybe that sums it up in and of itself. I know, I sound so horribly mean. But ya know, you don't know what it is that I take from this girl on a daily basis. Rude and nasty comments, innuendos and the like. Believe me when I say that I am very nice to the girl. So much so, that my mother questions my sanity on the subject. Why do I let her get away with the stuff she does? Because I have to work with her. And work is hard enough sometimes without being on bad terms with someone you see everyday.
Why does the "come on strong" guy always pop up when I am done with another prospective relationship? It is like he has sensors or something. DING! DING! DING! She is free again, let's see how we make out this time? It is enough to send a girl screaming off to the mountains. I swear. Is it so much to ask for someone normal? Or that at least seems normal? Or even lessor still, knows what it means to truly care for somebody beyond the superficial stuff? It really is so simple.
I talk to so many people in my job. Many of which complain about their marriages. "Oh" they say "How I envy that you are single. You can do what you want, go where you want and live how you want. So much freedom!" Yeah...it's great. Except when you are at the really great viewpoint, or nature scene or sunset and you go to express how wonderful it is to the person by your side. Except...there isn't anyone there. How about when your watching that really great love story, or walking on the beach or trying that new romantic restaurant. Such freedom....yeah...envious to say the least.
I tell them to appreciate what they have, the grass isn't always greener. In fact, the greenest most likely resides between your toes.
No, I am not sad. More melancholy. Can I use that adjective instead? It isn't as basic as just being sad. Or angry that God has given me so much, yet witholds this one very thing. Just give me a reason...at least give me that.
I would like to send more public wishes of well being and prayer to TECH He needs the support, please give him yours.
Why does the "come on strong" guy always pop up when I am done with another prospective relationship? It is like he has sensors or something. DING! DING! DING! She is free again, let's see how we make out this time? It is enough to send a girl screaming off to the mountains. I swear. Is it so much to ask for someone normal? Or that at least seems normal? Or even lessor still, knows what it means to truly care for somebody beyond the superficial stuff? It really is so simple.
I talk to so many people in my job. Many of which complain about their marriages. "Oh" they say "How I envy that you are single. You can do what you want, go where you want and live how you want. So much freedom!" Yeah...it's great. Except when you are at the really great viewpoint, or nature scene or sunset and you go to express how wonderful it is to the person by your side. Except...there isn't anyone there. How about when your watching that really great love story, or walking on the beach or trying that new romantic restaurant. Such freedom....yeah...envious to say the least.
I tell them to appreciate what they have, the grass isn't always greener. In fact, the greenest most likely resides between your toes.
No, I am not sad. More melancholy. Can I use that adjective instead? It isn't as basic as just being sad. Or angry that God has given me so much, yet witholds this one very thing. Just give me a reason...at least give me that.
I would like to send more public wishes of well being and prayer to TECH He needs the support, please give him yours.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
This Jelly
The phone rang tonight. Just twice. My daughter answered but no one was there. I checked the caller ID to see who it was...but no number was displayed. I looked through the rest that had called the past few days and saw that he called today. Why? It was his cell phone. Was it a mistake? Did he mean to dial my number this afternoon when I was surely at work? My feeling is no. There was no message left. I am resigned to the idea that he is just another of the same. I had no expectations. So it is all good. Just makes me wonder. Funny how it all works. Can't say I like it much.
I don't have much faith where relationships or even the possibilities of are concerned. It is all just "stuff" at this point. Just tired of trying I suppose. I dare someone to show me different.
Besides, I am enjoying listening to my daughter try to sing "Bootylicious" on her Kareoke machine.
I don't have much faith where relationships or even the possibilities of are concerned. It is all just "stuff" at this point. Just tired of trying I suppose. I dare someone to show me different.
Besides, I am enjoying listening to my daughter try to sing "Bootylicious" on her Kareoke machine.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Don't tamper with the Mom...
I am at a loss lately. I have been thinking a lot about what happened to my daughter at school. Rumors of this boy's mother wanting to talk to me about how my daughter scratched his arm. How upset she is about it. (threats given by this boy to my daughter at school. And remarks about how they know where we live) I understand if she is upset....however, I also say, bring it on. Let's talk about how her son enlisted his friends to hold my daughter down so he could have his way. Let's talk about how my daughter was simply walking out with her best friend to the playground when this boy decided to "have some fun". Let's talk about the finger sized bruises on my daughters arms where these friends of his were holding her so tightly (and yes...I took pictures). Let's talk about how this behavior of her son, if gone unpunished, would create a bit more damage if repeated in the future. Let's talk about how other families have talked to this boy's parents because of similar situations. Why is it ok for this boy to be allowed to think that it is ok to poke, push, hit and restrain girls? Anyone, for that matter? This has been an ongoing problem throughout the school year. My daughter had a fractured arm because some boy "accidentally" tripped her last fall. I believed the accident. But after the past few weeks of hearing how these particular boys keep trying to trip, push and chase her, I wonder how much of it prior, was really an accident.
My daughter acted in self defense. Although, I don't condone violence, I do condone her protecting herself. And damn glad she did. Three boys on one girl is not "playing around".
I have always taught my daughter to be respectful. To treat peers and others with courtesy. For Heaven's Sake, my daughter thinks the word Stupid is as foul as any four letter variety. She has been taught that just because someone is different than herself, be it fat - skinny - tall - short - any color or physical challenge, it doesn't make this person less or more than. We all are the same inside...with feelings, thoughts and perceptions. All of which can be broken or hurt. Rachel, has always been well liked in school. By friends and teachers alike. There is no record of difficulties on a social level. Maybe that is why this is bothering me so much.
At what point does it begin? Meaning...the boy that picks on kids at the playground in elementary school, getting away with it, to become the bully in high school and the thug on the street in adulthood? The 8 year old kid stealing a candy bar from the convenience store to the guy that steals your car while you sleep? The three boys restraining a girl on the playground for "fun" to the three guys in the bar restraining a woman for "fun".
And, at what point does it end?
I know what my daughter experienced, may not be a big deal compared to some. Things happen everyday that require discipline and serious conversations. Perhaps, I am making more of it and thinking way too deeply on it. Perhaps, I wouldn't be so affected, if it were not my child in the midst.
Somehow, I don't think so...
Michelle's recent post hit way close to home...she says it so well.
My daughter acted in self defense. Although, I don't condone violence, I do condone her protecting herself. And damn glad she did. Three boys on one girl is not "playing around".
I have always taught my daughter to be respectful. To treat peers and others with courtesy. For Heaven's Sake, my daughter thinks the word Stupid is as foul as any four letter variety. She has been taught that just because someone is different than herself, be it fat - skinny - tall - short - any color or physical challenge, it doesn't make this person less or more than. We all are the same inside...with feelings, thoughts and perceptions. All of which can be broken or hurt. Rachel, has always been well liked in school. By friends and teachers alike. There is no record of difficulties on a social level. Maybe that is why this is bothering me so much.
At what point does it begin? Meaning...the boy that picks on kids at the playground in elementary school, getting away with it, to become the bully in high school and the thug on the street in adulthood? The 8 year old kid stealing a candy bar from the convenience store to the guy that steals your car while you sleep? The three boys restraining a girl on the playground for "fun" to the three guys in the bar restraining a woman for "fun".
And, at what point does it end?
I know what my daughter experienced, may not be a big deal compared to some. Things happen everyday that require discipline and serious conversations. Perhaps, I am making more of it and thinking way too deeply on it. Perhaps, I wouldn't be so affected, if it were not my child in the midst.
Somehow, I don't think so...
Michelle's recent post hit way close to home...she says it so well.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Ammends
It really is Monday already huh?
So my weekend actually summed up pretty good. I cleaned my house top to bottom, had a great date Saturday night that consisted of a fabulous dinner, a funny movie and great conversation (I don't know that it will go anywhere. Body language is a hard thing to read. But it was great fun and the best I have had in a long time), and Sunday I spent at breakfast with the night before date and continued the afternoon hanging out with my daughter. I loved spending the time with her. She is one of my best friends, afterall.
So, the week begins. Make yours great....
So my weekend actually summed up pretty good. I cleaned my house top to bottom, had a great date Saturday night that consisted of a fabulous dinner, a funny movie and great conversation (I don't know that it will go anywhere. Body language is a hard thing to read. But it was great fun and the best I have had in a long time), and Sunday I spent at breakfast with the night before date and continued the afternoon hanging out with my daughter. I loved spending the time with her. She is one of my best friends, afterall.
So, the week begins. Make yours great....
Sunday, April 17, 2005
That's my story
I was kidnapped.
I was. By these really suave foreign men. Uh huh. They were tall, dark, one had an English accent, one Irish and the other Southern, I think. Yeah...that's it. They bound me up, made me watch home made videos of them strutting around the beach in snug, yet flattering, boxer briefs, and force fed me chocolate ice cream and french fries. The ordeal was horrific and I lost about 10 pounds.
Not buying it?
So, it wasn't exactly like that. Actually, Antonio showed up on my doorstep again. Yes...Antonio Banderas. I know, he is becoming a nuissance. But his latin beat can be a bit charming. He tried, yet again, to persuade me of his undying love. "Meshell...dunt ju know how much I lub ju?" Ugh...he just doesn't get that it wouldn't work out between us. I explained to him that his constant greased, muscle bound, come hither and let me ravage you look, just doesn't get me there. Ya know? Besides, I would be saddened if Melanie were upset. She is my "Working Girl" idol.
I know what you are thinking. And I admit it.
I gave in to Antonio. Happy now?
I was. By these really suave foreign men. Uh huh. They were tall, dark, one had an English accent, one Irish and the other Southern, I think. Yeah...that's it. They bound me up, made me watch home made videos of them strutting around the beach in snug, yet flattering, boxer briefs, and force fed me chocolate ice cream and french fries. The ordeal was horrific and I lost about 10 pounds.
Not buying it?
So, it wasn't exactly like that. Actually, Antonio showed up on my doorstep again. Yes...Antonio Banderas. I know, he is becoming a nuissance. But his latin beat can be a bit charming. He tried, yet again, to persuade me of his undying love. "Meshell...dunt ju know how much I lub ju?" Ugh...he just doesn't get that it wouldn't work out between us. I explained to him that his constant greased, muscle bound, come hither and let me ravage you look, just doesn't get me there. Ya know? Besides, I would be saddened if Melanie were upset. She is my "Working Girl" idol.
I know what you are thinking. And I admit it.
I gave in to Antonio. Happy now?
Thursday, April 14, 2005
World 3
Met with the Vice Principal today. I wasn't satisfied with the phone conversation yesterday and after talking with my daughter about the incident, felt even more need to discuss it further. He was patient and understanding of my need. I appreciated his time and think he understands my side of concern. I am my minor childs only advocate, and I'll be damned if I am not going to step up where she doesn't feel capable, or just able, of doing so.
And now...to tackle Middle School. I can do this...It is exciting right? A new adventure? A great big step forward? My baby moving into the world of hormones and really worldly stuff? (Ew...I don't like the last one. I didn't word that right...) My baby moving to a new level of learning and growth? (I still don't like it.)
Wish me luck...
And now...to tackle Middle School. I can do this...It is exciting right? A new adventure? A great big step forward? My baby moving into the world of hormones and really worldly stuff? (Ew...I don't like the last one. I didn't word that right...) My baby moving to a new level of learning and growth? (I still don't like it.)
Wish me luck...
Alfalfa was better...
I don't watch much TV. I became really discouraged with it a time ago, and haven't been able to bring myself to sit long enough to reevaluate my thinking on it. There are some good shows, Gilmore Girls for one, and, of course, some others. Rachel and I are always being compared to that show. Many have said how our relationship is much like that on the program. I agree and really like it, but I rarely get home or have the time to catch it on air. (Anyone that would like to throw the DVD collection my way is more than welcome.. :) At any rate, I am finding myself beginning to feel the same about radio. Perhaps, it is just the town I live in, with its limits and restrictions. I just find myself tuning in less and less these days.
My daughters orientation for Middle School is tomorrow night (err...well I guess that would be tonight...) It seems so real now. It still felt like it was off in the distance. Wasn't she just in Kindergarten yesterday? I thought so...anyway. I still can't believe that I have a child in Middle School. Of course, if you check back in with me in 3 years I will be spouting the same thing about High School. Wait...High School? In 3 years? Lordy...the last 10, almost 11, years went so fast, surely the next 3 will be a week in comparison.
Speaking of growing up, I had to discuss some issues with my daughter tonight. (Getting a call from the Vice Principal of her school, was not a high point of my day.) These issues have been going on for some time. It has to do with Boys. Ugh. They are at an age where so much is confusing, emotions, physical growth, socializing. The dynamics are changing. My daughter looks older than her age. She is developed more than her peers, physically. These particular boys, find themselves drawn to poking her, pushing her and basically focusing way too much attention towards her. Frankly, I think this one particular boy, likes her. He is the typical "sit behind you in class and pull your hair cause I think your cute and don't know how else to express it..." kind. Well, my daughter got tired of it and retaliated back. I wasn't happy about her choice. We have talked before about walking away, telling an adult, teacher or faculty member, but she chose the easy, momentary way out this time. I was disappointed, but at the same time, understand that she is only 10. Making that bad choice, sometimes needs to happen in order to get why the good choices are good to begin with. (cliche: 2 wrongs don't make a right.) Lesson learned...I hope.
My daughters orientation for Middle School is tomorrow night (err...well I guess that would be tonight...) It seems so real now. It still felt like it was off in the distance. Wasn't she just in Kindergarten yesterday? I thought so...anyway. I still can't believe that I have a child in Middle School. Of course, if you check back in with me in 3 years I will be spouting the same thing about High School. Wait...High School? In 3 years? Lordy...the last 10, almost 11, years went so fast, surely the next 3 will be a week in comparison.
Speaking of growing up, I had to discuss some issues with my daughter tonight. (Getting a call from the Vice Principal of her school, was not a high point of my day.) These issues have been going on for some time. It has to do with Boys. Ugh. They are at an age where so much is confusing, emotions, physical growth, socializing. The dynamics are changing. My daughter looks older than her age. She is developed more than her peers, physically. These particular boys, find themselves drawn to poking her, pushing her and basically focusing way too much attention towards her. Frankly, I think this one particular boy, likes her. He is the typical "sit behind you in class and pull your hair cause I think your cute and don't know how else to express it..." kind. Well, my daughter got tired of it and retaliated back. I wasn't happy about her choice. We have talked before about walking away, telling an adult, teacher or faculty member, but she chose the easy, momentary way out this time. I was disappointed, but at the same time, understand that she is only 10. Making that bad choice, sometimes needs to happen in order to get why the good choices are good to begin with. (cliche: 2 wrongs don't make a right.) Lesson learned...I hope.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Pass the Garlic
I had good hair today. :P
So I paid a visit to the pharmiscist. I asked him if there was something he could recommend for me to take that wouldn't knock me on my butt while I am trying to get through the day and work. He said that those daytime meds shouldn't make me sleepy. I told him that they do, anyway. I have a very low tolerence to any medication. He said I was wrong, all the while slightly chuckling to himself, (obviously he is fully aware of my bodies tolerence. *insert eye roll*) and that the daytime meds don't contain antihistamine and therefore wouldn't make me sleepy. I asked how they could clear my head without any antihistamine? "Oh" he said "They have another ingredient that isn't drug related." He handed me some generic daytime cold medication, I read the box and asked "So Pseudoephedrine is an all natural product?"
Ugh...
Slug bug. This is a daily game in my car. Well, when my daughter is present. Although, I do find myself, while driving about town, saving them up for when she is with me. On the way home today, I saw one just ahead of us, on the Expressway. I quickly slugged her leg and called silver slug bug. She said "No Mom...it is white. SLUG BUG White!" and promptly slugged me on my arm. As we got closer, I noticed that it wasn't white at all...but a light shade of blue. I said "HA! It isn't white either it is Blue. SLUG BUG Blue!" and slugged her in the leg. "No MOM! It is White! SLUG BUG White!" Knuckle punch to my arm...again. We got even closer...only to see that I was right, the second time, and it was a light blue. I said "See..it IS Light Blue. SLUG BUG!" Got her leg. She says..."You didn't call color! SLUG BUG Light Blue!" her punches come harder and harder.... Needless to say, this continued all the way home. Neither one of us would let the other have the last punch. Sometimes, I understand why my friend Christine asks which one of us (Rachel or myself) is the parent.
So I paid a visit to the pharmiscist. I asked him if there was something he could recommend for me to take that wouldn't knock me on my butt while I am trying to get through the day and work. He said that those daytime meds shouldn't make me sleepy. I told him that they do, anyway. I have a very low tolerence to any medication. He said I was wrong, all the while slightly chuckling to himself, (obviously he is fully aware of my bodies tolerence. *insert eye roll*) and that the daytime meds don't contain antihistamine and therefore wouldn't make me sleepy. I asked how they could clear my head without any antihistamine? "Oh" he said "They have another ingredient that isn't drug related." He handed me some generic daytime cold medication, I read the box and asked "So Pseudoephedrine is an all natural product?"
Ugh...
Slug bug. This is a daily game in my car. Well, when my daughter is present. Although, I do find myself, while driving about town, saving them up for when she is with me. On the way home today, I saw one just ahead of us, on the Expressway. I quickly slugged her leg and called silver slug bug. She said "No Mom...it is white. SLUG BUG White!" and promptly slugged me on my arm. As we got closer, I noticed that it wasn't white at all...but a light shade of blue. I said "HA! It isn't white either it is Blue. SLUG BUG Blue!" and slugged her in the leg. "No MOM! It is White! SLUG BUG White!" Knuckle punch to my arm...again. We got even closer...only to see that I was right, the second time, and it was a light blue. I said "See..it IS Light Blue. SLUG BUG!" Got her leg. She says..."You didn't call color! SLUG BUG Light Blue!" her punches come harder and harder.... Needless to say, this continued all the way home. Neither one of us would let the other have the last punch. Sometimes, I understand why my friend Christine asks which one of us (Rachel or myself) is the parent.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Would you erase me?
I made it through most of my day. Although, I took a couple hours off early to come home and possibly sleep....to no avail. Dag nab it anyway. I tried. Desperately. But sometimes, when you try too hard, it just doesn't happen. It is hard for me to sleep during the day. I feel like I need to be doing something, be somewhere...or accomplishing, anything. It always sounds so good though...
I set up my daughters computer yesterday. (My old one) In doing so, I went through some old old stuff I had on there. Files, documents, writings, videos, pictures and emails. I was surprised by what I had saved. Things I hadn't thought of in such a while. Well, since I got this system. It was sort of like setting a huge piece of my life aside and moving on to something fresh and new. Like an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" therapy. But then of course...there is this blog. A full and hearty reminder of past events and emotions. ( When i first saw that movie I thought...how could anyone want to erase anything?, when what you live and learn from is valuable. But I must say, I find myself sometimes understanding the desire to do such a thing.)
I found an old email. One of apology. I thought...hmmm...it really was very nice. At the time I didn't think so. I was so angry. I don't think anything said by him would have stirred anything but anger, at the time. And obviously, that is still sometimes so. But mostly I am ok with it all. Which really only makes any difference to me. It never made any difference to him which is what caused a lot of the hurt. I wanted it to matter enough to make a difference. But...that is ok. It is for him to deal with one day. Not me.
I read back through old stories, poems...my unfinished book that will remain so it seems. I don't have the discipline, the structure that real writers do. I can't seem to force it to come. If I do, then I inevitably find myself critisizing it to death. A slow, smoldering burn seems just.
I read the deep, philosophical letters sent to me by my friend Chris. He had this amazing way of interpreting scripture, life and emotion. Our friendship was brief, and for valid reasons. But, I am thankful for the time shared. I am still hoping that one day I will go to his Vid Production site and see that he is making a full go of it. He is talented and needs to see that his dreams are just as important as anyone elses. It can take priority and be profitable too.
It was odd, going through the hard drive of my brain. But glad I did.
I set up my daughters computer yesterday. (My old one) In doing so, I went through some old old stuff I had on there. Files, documents, writings, videos, pictures and emails. I was surprised by what I had saved. Things I hadn't thought of in such a while. Well, since I got this system. It was sort of like setting a huge piece of my life aside and moving on to something fresh and new. Like an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" therapy. But then of course...there is this blog. A full and hearty reminder of past events and emotions. ( When i first saw that movie I thought...how could anyone want to erase anything?, when what you live and learn from is valuable. But I must say, I find myself sometimes understanding the desire to do such a thing.)
I found an old email. One of apology. I thought...hmmm...it really was very nice. At the time I didn't think so. I was so angry. I don't think anything said by him would have stirred anything but anger, at the time. And obviously, that is still sometimes so. But mostly I am ok with it all. Which really only makes any difference to me. It never made any difference to him which is what caused a lot of the hurt. I wanted it to matter enough to make a difference. But...that is ok. It is for him to deal with one day. Not me.
I read back through old stories, poems...my unfinished book that will remain so it seems. I don't have the discipline, the structure that real writers do. I can't seem to force it to come. If I do, then I inevitably find myself critisizing it to death. A slow, smoldering burn seems just.
I read the deep, philosophical letters sent to me by my friend Chris. He had this amazing way of interpreting scripture, life and emotion. Our friendship was brief, and for valid reasons. But, I am thankful for the time shared. I am still hoping that one day I will go to his Vid Production site and see that he is making a full go of it. He is talented and needs to see that his dreams are just as important as anyone elses. It can take priority and be profitable too.
It was odd, going through the hard drive of my brain. But glad I did.
"It is only through the process of loss, that you discover what you had to begin with..."
A post
Happy Monday Morning.
I posted a link over there ----> for my DailyOM. After reading some entries from another blogger about copyright infringment, I figured maybe I should just post a link to their site versus just copying my emails to here. I had express permission to do so, but I still thought this way would be better. So there ya go...I can't say that all the articles are ones that I find enlightening for myself but then again we are all different and perhaps one I don't find so fulfilling, will be for you.
After a weekend of feeling pretty darn yucky, and I would like to add that my costume was absolutely perfect-so much so the hardest and sternest of critics would be believing my part :P, the work week is looking a bit omninous. I am thinking more vitamins, more green tea and as much sleep on my lunch break as I can. I was asked a few times, yesterday, how i was going to go to work? "Like I always do and I don't have much choice" I said. I wish I did have a choice. I would be in bed right now, sleeping another day away.
Hope yours goes well...
I posted a link over there ----> for my DailyOM. After reading some entries from another blogger about copyright infringment, I figured maybe I should just post a link to their site versus just copying my emails to here. I had express permission to do so, but I still thought this way would be better. So there ya go...I can't say that all the articles are ones that I find enlightening for myself but then again we are all different and perhaps one I don't find so fulfilling, will be for you.
After a weekend of feeling pretty darn yucky, and I would like to add that my costume was absolutely perfect-so much so the hardest and sternest of critics would be believing my part :P, the work week is looking a bit omninous. I am thinking more vitamins, more green tea and as much sleep on my lunch break as I can. I was asked a few times, yesterday, how i was going to go to work? "Like I always do and I don't have much choice" I said. I wish I did have a choice. I would be in bed right now, sleeping another day away.
Hope yours goes well...
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Veetavitavegemin
It is gonna be a slippery one. I decided to take some cold meds tonight to help me sleep and I am feeling it. I was telling a friend of mine tonight, that I don;t drink much cause I really can't handle my liquor. Not in a bad way, it is just that one drink and I am feeling pretty darn good. Well the same goes for cold meds. I take half a dose so I don't pass out in the hallway, or in my kitchen or in front of this computer. Although, I must say, that it feels imminent even so. Whew...
I managed to finish baking a dozen cookies before they kicked in. I made the cookie cups that my daughter thinks are so funny and "weird". But when I remind her what we use them for....she recants her statement of "I have the weirdest mom in the universe." 'Course I baked them not realizing that I didn't have the rest of the ingredients to finish them up. I blame it on the cold and the meds...and that it is the weekend and I try not to think too deeply about any sort of detailed...anything. These cookie cups used to be a lot more effective when she was younger. One went a lot further anyway. Now...2 or 3 and she is good. (Chocolate chip cookie dough in a muffin pan, the centers sink and form a "cup". If you take them out of the oven while the centers are still gooey, tap the pan to dispell the air in the dough, it will be more effective. Then, fill with yummies of your choice...we go for vanilla ice cream, sprinkles and/or some kind of syrup) They make nice "child size" desserts. It makes a youngin feel they have had a full size treat without the inevitable "Just one more cookie mom?? Please please please..."
Hummm...I htink it is time for me to give in. I have completely forgotten my train of thought, if there was one.
I managed to finish baking a dozen cookies before they kicked in. I made the cookie cups that my daughter thinks are so funny and "weird". But when I remind her what we use them for....she recants her statement of "I have the weirdest mom in the universe." 'Course I baked them not realizing that I didn't have the rest of the ingredients to finish them up. I blame it on the cold and the meds...and that it is the weekend and I try not to think too deeply about any sort of detailed...anything. These cookie cups used to be a lot more effective when she was younger. One went a lot further anyway. Now...2 or 3 and she is good. (Chocolate chip cookie dough in a muffin pan, the centers sink and form a "cup". If you take them out of the oven while the centers are still gooey, tap the pan to dispell the air in the dough, it will be more effective. Then, fill with yummies of your choice...we go for vanilla ice cream, sprinkles and/or some kind of syrup) They make nice "child size" desserts. It makes a youngin feel they have had a full size treat without the inevitable "Just one more cookie mom?? Please please please..."
Hummm...I htink it is time for me to give in. I have completely forgotten my train of thought, if there was one.
Tape Measures
So...what did I do last night? In a moment...
I made some corrections to some recent entries. Sometimes, I read back over what I had written and realize that I didn't take the care to hit spell check. Sorry. Pardon me. It isn't my first thought when hitting publish since this place is just for thoughts versus anything really constructive literary wise. My posts are full of fragments, run-ons and the like. It is a bit better than my previous journals, old fashioned hand written type, so for that I am thankful. I tend to write in here as I would talk to someone in person. Either telling a story, expressing emotion (good or bad)or flat out jibberish. It doesn't always make sense to the unseasoned (of me) reader. Understood. I am who I am, and for that, I make no apologies. (we all have reasons to justify who we are and how we believe life to function) No apologies, but yet I will be the first to say that I will surely change over the coming years, days, months. It is a given. But, I do sometimes wonder and have been given testimony that certains thing I say can be taken out of context. The expression in which I displayed was misunderstood (originally the word "wrong" was written, but I see nothing wrong with what I write). Sometimes I just notice it myself and think that this person may not have understood my intent. An example? I answered an email yesterday with a comment that said "To squishy..." First off, it should have been "Too" and not "to". The reference to "squishy" meant myself (girl parts ya know)versus the part about me being a plastic doll. In comparison. (This isn't making any sense is it? So to continue the puzzle...) There was no offense taken on my comment, but I found myself deep in thought over a simple comment I made and how it could have been taken by someone I don't know very well. Another example? Years ago I worked for an advertising company. I worked with other agencies regarding programming and such of national TV commercials etc. One company that we delt with quite often, I would speak to a particular rep almost everyday. He tended to get a bit flirty on the phone but he was married, so I didn't play the game back. He told me once that he liked how I stayed on top of things. I replied with the comment of "I like to be on top." Ummm...can you see how that might be taken a certain way? He got very quiet on the other end of the line and then replied with "Alrighty then...nice to know!". I thought....oh no! He took it "That" way. I was mortified and embarrassed. Cause the truth of the matter is, it is true. But he had no way of knowing that. It wasn't my thought behind the comment and it was his mind that went there. I called him back, later that day, and apologized if something I said could have been taken a different way.
Yeah, I know, I think way too much. Believe me you, it has been pointed out to me on several occaisions, if not daily.
Moving on...
Last night. Think of the most exciting, fun filled, spontaneous, Heaven sent night of your life and insert...
*here*
->
->
->
Go ahead...fill in the blank)
Cause that isn't what I had and anything you could put *there* would most likely be better. I went and did some house shopping after work. (My cats are thankful, and so am I with a nice new pair of silk jami's :) Came home, made some easy dinner (a Ham sandwich and some cottage cheese with fruit constitutes easy, right?)and fell asleep at 7:30pm. Yes 7:30. I woke at 11pm wondering what just happened. I came, got on my computer, grumbled about how slow dial up is, ran a bunch of diagnostics on my system to confirm it wasn't my new computer, realized that I am coming down with yet another cold (I blame it on myself, as last weekend I decided to clean my yard in the rain, got completely soaked and topped it off with only a couple hours of sleep every night this week) and then went back to bed. I laid there thinking of ways I could rearranged my bedroom cause I am needing some "change". How sad.
Please feel free to leave a comment or two about how I could have better spent my evening. Anything, would be greatly appreciated.
I made some corrections to some recent entries. Sometimes, I read back over what I had written and realize that I didn't take the care to hit spell check. Sorry. Pardon me. It isn't my first thought when hitting publish since this place is just for thoughts versus anything really constructive literary wise. My posts are full of fragments, run-ons and the like. It is a bit better than my previous journals, old fashioned hand written type, so for that I am thankful. I tend to write in here as I would talk to someone in person. Either telling a story, expressing emotion (good or bad)or flat out jibberish. It doesn't always make sense to the unseasoned (of me) reader. Understood. I am who I am, and for that, I make no apologies. (we all have reasons to justify who we are and how we believe life to function) No apologies, but yet I will be the first to say that I will surely change over the coming years, days, months. It is a given. But, I do sometimes wonder and have been given testimony that certains thing I say can be taken out of context. The expression in which I displayed was misunderstood (originally the word "wrong" was written, but I see nothing wrong with what I write). Sometimes I just notice it myself and think that this person may not have understood my intent. An example? I answered an email yesterday with a comment that said "To squishy..." First off, it should have been "Too" and not "to". The reference to "squishy" meant myself (girl parts ya know)versus the part about me being a plastic doll. In comparison. (This isn't making any sense is it? So to continue the puzzle...) There was no offense taken on my comment, but I found myself deep in thought over a simple comment I made and how it could have been taken by someone I don't know very well. Another example? Years ago I worked for an advertising company. I worked with other agencies regarding programming and such of national TV commercials etc. One company that we delt with quite often, I would speak to a particular rep almost everyday. He tended to get a bit flirty on the phone but he was married, so I didn't play the game back. He told me once that he liked how I stayed on top of things. I replied with the comment of "I like to be on top." Ummm...can you see how that might be taken a certain way? He got very quiet on the other end of the line and then replied with "Alrighty then...nice to know!". I thought....oh no! He took it "That" way. I was mortified and embarrassed. Cause the truth of the matter is, it is true. But he had no way of knowing that. It wasn't my thought behind the comment and it was his mind that went there. I called him back, later that day, and apologized if something I said could have been taken a different way.
Yeah, I know, I think way too much. Believe me you, it has been pointed out to me on several occaisions, if not daily.
Moving on...
Last night. Think of the most exciting, fun filled, spontaneous, Heaven sent night of your life and insert...
*here*
->
->
->
Go ahead...fill in the blank)
Cause that isn't what I had and anything you could put *there* would most likely be better. I went and did some house shopping after work. (My cats are thankful, and so am I with a nice new pair of silk jami's :) Came home, made some easy dinner (a Ham sandwich and some cottage cheese with fruit constitutes easy, right?)and fell asleep at 7:30pm. Yes 7:30. I woke at 11pm wondering what just happened. I came, got on my computer, grumbled about how slow dial up is, ran a bunch of diagnostics on my system to confirm it wasn't my new computer, realized that I am coming down with yet another cold (I blame it on myself, as last weekend I decided to clean my yard in the rain, got completely soaked and topped it off with only a couple hours of sleep every night this week) and then went back to bed. I laid there thinking of ways I could rearranged my bedroom cause I am needing some "change". How sad.
Please feel free to leave a comment or two about how I could have better spent my evening. Anything, would be greatly appreciated.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Dag nab it
My baby is going to be gone again tonight. Harumph. I saw her for a minute this morning to drop off her essentials for the day. She smacked me in the forehead for forgetting a specific toy and then kissed me.
What in the world am I going to fill my night with tonight?
Maybe more photos...maybe some shopping. Maybe I'll just stay home...
What in the world am I going to fill my night with tonight?
Maybe more photos...maybe some shopping. Maybe I'll just stay home...
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Through my Window
It is Thursday. I get a couple hours in the evening to myself, and today I made some use....
A View From the Bridge. This park runs through the middle of town. It is one of my most favorite places here. The air is filled with memories of Kites landing on the roof of the dentists' office across the street, laughter and even some tears.
This perch sits across the river from the park. Birds nest there every year. I was lucky enough to catch them preparing for the coming spring. Can anyone tell what kind they are? Hawk? I dunno...
*Update* They are Osprey. Thanks to Mom...she is an aficionado of everything.
Atop Awbrey Butte. My daughter and I, have spent many a sunset here. Just parked on the side of the road, watching the sun lay itself down into the Cascades for a nights rest.
I love this place I live in. You don't have to travel or transport to find the most complex and most simple of beauty.
A View From the Bridge. This park runs through the middle of town. It is one of my most favorite places here. The air is filled with memories of Kites landing on the roof of the dentists' office across the street, laughter and even some tears.
This perch sits across the river from the park. Birds nest there every year. I was lucky enough to catch them preparing for the coming spring. Can anyone tell what kind they are? Hawk? I dunno...
*Update* They are Osprey. Thanks to Mom...she is an aficionado of everything.
Atop Awbrey Butte. My daughter and I, have spent many a sunset here. Just parked on the side of the road, watching the sun lay itself down into the Cascades for a nights rest.
I love this place I live in. You don't have to travel or transport to find the most complex and most simple of beauty.
Shake it off
His little boy waved to me today. More an act of goofiness versus any kind of remembrance I am sure. A Big cheesy grin just like his dad. Does he still have the blanket I made for him? I wonder. He never knew who did it anyway. I really did care, once.
Weird feelings.
Weird feelings.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Sweetest dreams...
With baited breath and a hope that yearns
Beyond capped mountains, where the future turns
Are thoughts and wishes, truths and verse
A past full of wrought, lessons or a curse?
With a clank and an echo, like a pebble in a stein
It all seems so hollow, but it's solid and mine
Such a little piece left from something so grand
I struggle to keep hold within the grip of my hand
For an eye to see the first thought would be "need"
But even the tallest tree...was grown from a seed
Yes..another...
1. If you could build a second house anywhere, where would it be?
As close to the ocean as possible.
2. What are your favorite articles of clothing?
Underwear. That qualifies doesn't it?
3. The last CD you bought?
Will Smith - Lost and Found
4. What time do you wake up in the morning?
The alarm goes off at 6am. Sometimes before...sometimes after.
5. What is your favorite kitchen appliance?
Coffee Maker
6. If you could play an instrument, what would it be?
I can do the Piano.. How about my own voice?
7. What's your favorite color?
Green
8. Which vehicle do you prefer, sports car, motorcycle, or SUV?
I have an SUV but would like a sports car for a "toy" :) (if your gonna dream? dream BIG I say)
9. Do you believe in the afterlife?
Yes
10. Favorite children's book?
Just one? See this post
11. What is your favorite season?
Autumn
12. If you have a tattoo, what is it?
No tats...ouch!
13. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
I would say mindreader, but that can have it's drawbacks. How about controlled xray vision? There are some things you just don't wanna see.
14. Can you juggle?
yes
15. Someone from your past that you wish you could go back and talk with?
Matt, but that may prove frustrating. How about Chris Myers.
16. What is under your bed?
No! Don't make me look under there! I am kidding...some books and many a journal with half finished writing.
17. What is your favorite day?
Saturday
18. Sushi or hamburger?
Hamburger
19. Of the people who normally read your blog, who is most likely to respond first?
Ugh..it sounds like one of those emails... I have no expectations.
20. On which blog did you find this meme?
Narcissisticflight
21. What is your favorite flower?
Lilac and Lavender (ok it is a tie and one is actually an herb anyway)
22. What is your favorite meal?
Anything my mom cooks.
23. Describe your pjs.
Depends on the weather. Jami pants in the winter and t-shirts in the summer.
24. Favorite Breakfast?
Anything my mom cooks. :P
25. Do you like your job?
Most of the time....yes.
26. What is your dream job?
Traveling writer.
27. What age do you plan to retire?
Right...a plan. Ummm...
28. Where did you meet your spouse or significant other?
Can I use my "get out of jail free" card on this one AND collect $200?
29. Something you would like to do that you have never done before.
*censored*
As close to the ocean as possible.
2. What are your favorite articles of clothing?
Underwear. That qualifies doesn't it?
3. The last CD you bought?
Will Smith - Lost and Found
4. What time do you wake up in the morning?
The alarm goes off at 6am. Sometimes before...sometimes after.
5. What is your favorite kitchen appliance?
Coffee Maker
6. If you could play an instrument, what would it be?
I can do the Piano.. How about my own voice?
7. What's your favorite color?
Green
8. Which vehicle do you prefer, sports car, motorcycle, or SUV?
I have an SUV but would like a sports car for a "toy" :) (if your gonna dream? dream BIG I say)
9. Do you believe in the afterlife?
Yes
10. Favorite children's book?
Just one? See this post
11. What is your favorite season?
Autumn
12. If you have a tattoo, what is it?
No tats...ouch!
13. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
I would say mindreader, but that can have it's drawbacks. How about controlled xray vision? There are some things you just don't wanna see.
14. Can you juggle?
yes
15. Someone from your past that you wish you could go back and talk with?
Matt, but that may prove frustrating. How about Chris Myers.
16. What is under your bed?
No! Don't make me look under there! I am kidding...some books and many a journal with half finished writing.
17. What is your favorite day?
Saturday
18. Sushi or hamburger?
Hamburger
19. Of the people who normally read your blog, who is most likely to respond first?
Ugh..it sounds like one of those emails... I have no expectations.
20. On which blog did you find this meme?
Narcissisticflight
21. What is your favorite flower?
Lilac and Lavender (ok it is a tie and one is actually an herb anyway)
22. What is your favorite meal?
Anything my mom cooks.
23. Describe your pjs.
Depends on the weather. Jami pants in the winter and t-shirts in the summer.
24. Favorite Breakfast?
Anything my mom cooks. :P
25. Do you like your job?
Most of the time....yes.
26. What is your dream job?
Traveling writer.
27. What age do you plan to retire?
Right...a plan. Ummm...
28. Where did you meet your spouse or significant other?
Can I use my "get out of jail free" card on this one AND collect $200?
29. Something you would like to do that you have never done before.
*censored*
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Channel surfing?
Yep. Settin' here again waiting for this last song to download. Why must I be so stubborn? I really need to just get cable. Had I thought of starting these earlier, I wouldn't be writing this....
But I was busy. I worked late (which made me late picking up my daughter at B&G and I heard an earfull about that! She was none to happy with me. Not that she didn't fit right in with the teenagers. The girl looks like she is 14. She is 10. 10. I used to think she looked 12, but recently she skipped over 13 and developed right into the 1 and 4. Ugh...Lord give me strength. Thank you.), did the car wash, dinner, cleaned, worked out for an hour, answered emails (not that I had many to answer, but one turned out to be a bit long winded ;) You would think I was tired of writing and typed out huh? Guffaw and gibberish. Me? never.) homework for baby girl and bedtime stories.
*Side note - my cat just came tearing in the house with an old dried up banana peel. Ew. What is it with her and bananas? She does this all the time. Someone in my neighborhood loves bananas and...they have issues with the trash. Sheesh..
Back to the regularly scheduled program of nonsense....
Speaking of Car Washes. My daughter decided, since I have been carrying the camera around the past few days, that she would video tape our adventure through the drive through service. Ummm...funny. Her play by play on the attendants, the soap and the long string things that she couldn't think of the name for. It was too much...she is so creative. I swear she is gonna be famous doing anything she sets her mind to.
Ok...last song is done. Yeah! Just a quick burn and the pillow is all mine.
But I was busy. I worked late (which made me late picking up my daughter at B&G and I heard an earfull about that! She was none to happy with me. Not that she didn't fit right in with the teenagers. The girl looks like she is 14. She is 10. 10. I used to think she looked 12, but recently she skipped over 13 and developed right into the 1 and 4. Ugh...Lord give me strength. Thank you.), did the car wash, dinner, cleaned, worked out for an hour, answered emails (not that I had many to answer, but one turned out to be a bit long winded ;) You would think I was tired of writing and typed out huh? Guffaw and gibberish. Me? never.) homework for baby girl and bedtime stories.
*Side note - my cat just came tearing in the house with an old dried up banana peel. Ew. What is it with her and bananas? She does this all the time. Someone in my neighborhood loves bananas and...they have issues with the trash. Sheesh..
Back to the regularly scheduled program of nonsense....
Speaking of Car Washes. My daughter decided, since I have been carrying the camera around the past few days, that she would video tape our adventure through the drive through service. Ummm...funny. Her play by play on the attendants, the soap and the long string things that she couldn't think of the name for. It was too much...she is so creative. I swear she is gonna be famous doing anything she sets her mind to.
Ok...last song is done. Yeah! Just a quick burn and the pillow is all mine.
Ctrl V only works with a C
Typed up this whole post about the time change etc...my experience this Sunday and other stuff. Hit publish...and Poof. It is gone. Just like that, a whole day in my life reads "ERROR - That Website cannot be found."
Right then...
I feel like something is out there waiting to happen. I don't know what it is but it is in the shadows, waiting, watching my life for it's time to move. I feel it like the chill down your arm, that need to look back over your shoulder, the knowing that the phone is about to ring or one of those thoughts about someone you haven't talked to for a while and suddenly you see them somewhere. Whatever it is, I hope it is something good. Please let it be something good...and if it is something good...hurry up already!
Right then...
I feel like something is out there waiting to happen. I don't know what it is but it is in the shadows, waiting, watching my life for it's time to move. I feel it like the chill down your arm, that need to look back over your shoulder, the knowing that the phone is about to ring or one of those thoughts about someone you haven't talked to for a while and suddenly you see them somewhere. Whatever it is, I hope it is something good. Please let it be something good...and if it is something good...hurry up already!
Monday, April 04, 2005
Easier said
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
Ayn Rand
That's about all I have to offer at the moment...
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Chick-a-dee's
Another "chick flick" night at my sisters house. Full of munchies (reasonably healthy, give or take a cream puff) and Colin Firth. *sigh*
Yes, it was a Bridget Jones Diary Marathon. But everytime Colin stepped on screen, I got lost. From across the room I would ask "What did they just say?" Complete oblivion would come over me while I was splashing around in his dreamy brown eyes.
Where in the heck is MY Darcy, huh? I have seen and been with enough Daniel Cleavers. A dime a dozen if you ask me. But a Darcy? Few and far between. So scarce, in fact, I believe it is completely fictional.
I had never seen these movies till tonight. I have been advised, informed and encouraged to watch and/or read the story(ies). "Oh Michelle...you would so connect with Bridget." Ummm yeah, I connect. More than you know. More than I care to admit. (I really don't need to elaborate on the embarrassing details, right?)
So, as I watched my feminine family members leave to go home to their significant others, I put my arm around my baby girl and went shopping. I could have done something worse....like drowned myself in some Ben and Jerry's and a bottle of wine. Hummm....Now that I mention it...
Yes, it was a Bridget Jones Diary Marathon. But everytime Colin stepped on screen, I got lost. From across the room I would ask "What did they just say?" Complete oblivion would come over me while I was splashing around in his dreamy brown eyes.
Where in the heck is MY Darcy, huh? I have seen and been with enough Daniel Cleavers. A dime a dozen if you ask me. But a Darcy? Few and far between. So scarce, in fact, I believe it is completely fictional.
I had never seen these movies till tonight. I have been advised, informed and encouraged to watch and/or read the story(ies). "Oh Michelle...you would so connect with Bridget." Ummm yeah, I connect. More than you know. More than I care to admit. (I really don't need to elaborate on the embarrassing details, right?)
So, as I watched my feminine family members leave to go home to their significant others, I put my arm around my baby girl and went shopping. I could have done something worse....like drowned myself in some Ben and Jerry's and a bottle of wine. Hummm....Now that I mention it...
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Boo-berries?
Lindsay is upset that everytime she spends the night (which is weekly I might add), I make pancakes for breakfast.
So...I broke into song.
Snap-crackle-pop
Did ya like that? I did. But Lindsay? She just stared at me and said "I'll have pancakes."
I will get this girl a sense of humor yet...
Have an awesome weekend.
So...I broke into song.
Snap-crackle-pop
Did ya like that? I did. But Lindsay? She just stared at me and said "I'll have pancakes."
I will get this girl a sense of humor yet...
Have an awesome weekend.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Pass the Sweet Tea...
Can you smell it? See it? Feel it? I can...it is right around the corner and the taste bud of my mind is reaching out for its flavor.
It is fresh cut grass, sunshine on newly washed walks, and flowers bursting out from the turned soil. It is kids running about, laughing and screaming with delight of being outdoors, ice cream cones and BBQ's. It is the sweat on your body from riding your bike, hiking the trail or just walking forever and a day on the rivers side.
It is Spring's first kiss and Summer's deep love.
And I can't wait.
It is fresh cut grass, sunshine on newly washed walks, and flowers bursting out from the turned soil. It is kids running about, laughing and screaming with delight of being outdoors, ice cream cones and BBQ's. It is the sweat on your body from riding your bike, hiking the trail or just walking forever and a day on the rivers side.
It is Spring's first kiss and Summer's deep love.
And I can't wait.
Too many keys
Yes...early again. I am trying to coax Sophia into the house with some kitty treats. It isn't working. She just stares at me. The sun is trying to shine, a cool breeze is blowing and frankly, I would like to be out there myself.
It is Friday. YEAH! I am excited. But I awoke this morning from a weird dream.
It was about my boss, so anything containing him is weird. He tends to fly off the handle before looking at all sides of a situation. In this dream, he was going off on me because he had picked up a stub of a movie I went to go see. He then was upset because he said he let me leave early from work to attend the movie and I didn't go. Huh? You are holding the ticket stub and yelling at me because I didn't go?
This dream is pretty representative of how he can be. Yesterday, he spouted off at me because of a decision he made and I wasn't there to stop him. I just sat there and laughed at him. He can't be serious? I thought. He sat down in front of my desk after his rant, and said "I am sorry, it has been a frustrating day and I am feeling the effects. You know how I can be." Yes...I know how you can be. And it is ok.
That Bloginality thing I posted the other day, isn't completely true about me. It was just a quiz thing ya know. Especially the part about how I am not in tune with others feelings and emotions, much less my own. I am completely intune with others feelings and perceptions, sometimes too much so. I find myself feeling their thoughts, and emotions to the point of changing my own. And my feelings, are felt daily. Even my father has commented on how I let my emotions drive me versus the logical part of me. He is right and I have been working on that. Perhaps I am just a combination of those personalities. Perhaps, it is because I am a female and we are driven emotionally. Who knows. The analytical part of that personality profile thing, was dead on. I admit that. I can be introverted, intuitive (although I don't like that part much) and perceptive.
Anyway, Have a fantastic Friday where-ever you find yourself today! :)
And why did I ever think that Star Wars was coming out tomorrow? Ugh...I was excited about seeing Anakin in a robe.
It is Friday. YEAH! I am excited. But I awoke this morning from a weird dream.
It was about my boss, so anything containing him is weird. He tends to fly off the handle before looking at all sides of a situation. In this dream, he was going off on me because he had picked up a stub of a movie I went to go see. He then was upset because he said he let me leave early from work to attend the movie and I didn't go. Huh? You are holding the ticket stub and yelling at me because I didn't go?
This dream is pretty representative of how he can be. Yesterday, he spouted off at me because of a decision he made and I wasn't there to stop him. I just sat there and laughed at him. He can't be serious? I thought. He sat down in front of my desk after his rant, and said "I am sorry, it has been a frustrating day and I am feeling the effects. You know how I can be." Yes...I know how you can be. And it is ok.
That Bloginality thing I posted the other day, isn't completely true about me. It was just a quiz thing ya know. Especially the part about how I am not in tune with others feelings and emotions, much less my own. I am completely intune with others feelings and perceptions, sometimes too much so. I find myself feeling their thoughts, and emotions to the point of changing my own. And my feelings, are felt daily. Even my father has commented on how I let my emotions drive me versus the logical part of me. He is right and I have been working on that. Perhaps I am just a combination of those personalities. Perhaps, it is because I am a female and we are driven emotionally. Who knows. The analytical part of that personality profile thing, was dead on. I admit that. I can be introverted, intuitive (although I don't like that part much) and perceptive.
Anyway, Have a fantastic Friday where-ever you find yourself today! :)
And why did I ever think that Star Wars was coming out tomorrow? Ugh...I was excited about seeing Anakin in a robe.
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