Blinders

I chatted with an old friend tonight. Hadn't spoken to him in a while unless he had a random question about my work. He was quite talkative tonight. Went on about a relationship he had just ended. How this person had woken him and let him feel "those" feelings again. How hurt he was that it didn't work out, how she reminded him of how he felt once before when he was younger, only this time he wasn't going to let it slip through his fingers. But it did. One of those timing things, I guess. He was finally ready to be in a relationship and she was just ending one. He said he was going to be more proactive now in his efforts. Efforts of finding someone to share life with. He is a good person, I am sure he will find someone.

We dated a couple years back. Just once, but we remained friends. I really liked him, but he was in that place that this girl he was with, is now. He didn't want a relationship, only companionship. Friends with benefits, to put it bluntly. I, couldn't do that. He understood and was respectful. Which, ya know, made me like him more.

He asked me how I was doing, how Rachel was and that he thought about me when he drove by my office. I said "Well, at least some man thinks of me." and sent out the obligatory "LoL" so as not to come off pitiful or "woe is me". I cried as I typed, all the while sending encouraging words of hope and thankfullness that there is good in every situation.

It's so easy to see in anothers.

Treading Water

I am thankful for what I have. Although, sometimes it would seem that it is all dangling by a mere piece of thin worn thread. I am getting by, striving to hold on to what I can. I am thankful for making it through another day with at least half my wits, a roof over us and health. My daughter is a given, nothing could bring me as much joy. I am blessed with a loving family whether I have known them my whole life or only a part. Even the family I grew up with. They love in the way they know how, however abusive or dysfunctional it may be. I am thankful to have a job where I don't have to get on my knees to clean someone elses' mess, or pump gas (I have done both of these things, plus more. I will do whatever it takes to support my household, and I take pride in it too. Unlike some...)

I know the gifts I have been given. The support I have received. I know...

I didn't start this journal, diary, blog, in the hopes of entertaining the masses. I didn't start this to get across my political views and convictions, nor to convert anyone into my chosen faith. It was simply a way for me to see something. Some sort of creative fruit from my thoughts, whines, desires... Almost a validation, to myself, that my thoughts mean something. Even if it is only me that they mean anything to. I can't be interrupted, set aside or even just plain dismissed, mid-sentence. I like the emails (most of them) and comments I get from time to time. Whether it be a funny thought, hearty advice, an acknowledgment or even the somewhat sour and bitter kick in the teeth because I set someone off. I do not mean to upset anyone with my words, they are simply my perception from my own experience. Everyone has a right to their own and for that I make no apologies.

I am finding myself censored by my own hand. Writing out posts of frustration and then deleting them entirely so as not to appear too whiney, ungrateful or come off as being depressed. Guilt finds me if I write about the disappointment I feel with my life. It all ends up a battle within myself. I should be able to write about whatever I feel. That was the purpose of this to begin with.

I am not sure what I am saying here. I am tired and can't sleep because my stomach is yelling at me for eating that cheesecake. Hope hides from me every now and again, and Marco can't find Polo.

Speak up

Maybe I said something wrong, made a comment I should have kept to myself, or took something too far. I don't know. Something is wrong though...

And ya know..I was going to leave this post with what was stated above. But, of course, I am thinking on it more and am having some issues with it. Why can't people, friends, aquaintances, family...anyone just be more forthright? Why do people pussyfoot around? If I said something that was taken out of context then give me the opportunity to explain what I meant and don't just go on what your perception may be. Sure, some things are in your face, but many times people read into something said and turn it, flip it and mold into something that wasn't there to begin with. I mean no harm to anyone. Most times I stay neutral in a given situation. There are two sides to every coin and not one persons "reasons" are more valid than anothers. If I did something or said something that bothers, then say so. I can't stand silence frosted with obvious tension about "something". At least let me know what the silence is for. Erg.

I guess I am done there.

It is a gorgeous day outside. I get to spend time with my family, enjoy great food and don't have to be at work. What could be better.

And Peace

"Soldier, rest! Thy warfare o'er,
Sleep the sleep that knows not breaking,
Dream of battled fields no more.
Days of danger, nights of waking."

-Sir Walter Scott

Regardless of how you feel about war, our current state or that of the past, this is their day. Set aside your government grievances and give a moment to someone that gave their life, either soldier or civilian, in the name of freedom. It isn't just a day off from work, a yummy BBQ with family or the first camping weekend of the summer. It may root much deeper in some than others, but it's importance remains the same.

Taps

Day is done, gone the sun,
From the hills, from the lake, From the skies.
All is well, safely rest, God is nigh.

Go to sleep, peaceful sleep,
May the soldier or sailor, God keep.
On the land or the deep, Safe in sleep.

Love, good night, Must thou go,
When the day, And the night Need thee so?
All is well. Speedeth all To their rest.

Fades the light; And afar Goeth day,
And the stars Shineth bright, Fare thee well;
Day has gone, Night is on.

Thanks and praise, For our days,
'Neath the sun, Neath the stars, 'Neath the sky,
As we go, This we know, God is nigh.

SP Sunday

Peeves

I dated this guy in '03. He was a nice person, intelligent, loved books and the arts. He was very considerate, opened doors, brought me flowers, all those things you think don't exist anymore. My kinda guy. He was a sleep technologist. Basically, he watched people sleep every night and determined if they needed aparatus for snoring, apnea etc. Apparently, he needed the same kind of gear when he slept. Although, I don't know that first hand, seeing how our relationship never progressed to that level. Part of the reason it didn't progress at all. He did, I didn't and well ya know...he said I was too much effort. I really did like him though. I just wanted slow.

Anyway, he had once had back surgery. At the time, a few years before we dated, he had applied for a temporary license to park in the physically challenged blue spaces. (I suck at the politically correct thing eh?) I only know all this because of a date we had. He took me to my most favorite restaurant, The Pine Tavern, located downtown, and then to the symphony in Drake Park. Now, downtown Bend is not your stereo typical "downtown". This is a small town, relatively, and everything is pretty close together. We are talking two main streets here. Parking for the restaurant lies not but a few feet away. He pulls into the parking lot and whips into a space. I glanced over at him, to let him know he just parked in the handicap, when he pulls out his little blue license. Oh, I thought, I didn't know he had one of those. Before I could say anything, he went into the story of why and the fact that he didn't need it anymore but they kept renewing it for him and he liked the convenience of good parking.

Yeah...and so do those who truly need it.

Tonight, my daughter and I made a trip to Wally world. I didn't get my clean up done today but I did manage to buy the stuff to kill off everything left in the parched desert that is my yard. When we were leaving, there was a young man making his way to his vehicle. On crutches, slowly pulling his legs behind him, paralyzed from the waist down. Rachel asked why he had parked so far away when there are spaces for him to use? "He is having a hard time Mama." The thunder storm hit hard tonight and the rain was smacking our faces. Perhaps they were all legite, but I looked over at the full spots and wondered if one of them just didn't feel like walking a couple extra steps, getting a little wet, or just liked the fact that they always had a "spot" just for them.

My turn

Friday. Late Friday...but still Friday. Yeah.

I have been so tired this week. Unusually so. 8pm rolls around and all I want is my bed. I am attributing it to this out of the norm warm weather we have been having. Mid eighties with threats of thunder storms. You would think it was July.

Our town is flooded with weekend tourists. Campers, Motorhomes and Mini Vans filled to the brim with out of towners. I stopped at the store on the way home tonight. When I went to check out, I noticed this guy leaning against one of the clothing racks. I stepped in front of him and took my place in line. He was tall, handsome and looking rather forlorn holding a shirt in his hand. Next thing I know he is behind me. I offered an apology if I cut in front of him, but he had said none was needed. He proceeded to ask me about the weather here, the forecast for this weekend, and whether the storms would make it cold. I was amused by his accent and wondered what had brought him to our town. He was from Canada.

I am always amazed at how so many people find this little city in the middle of Oregon. On the way home, I saw license plates from New York, Florida, and Kentucky. As well as the standard Washington, California and Idaho. I made a new client, a couple weeks back, and they were moving here from Texas. They had only been here once, to pick a house. Otherwise, they only knew of this place via the internet. She watched the weather patterns, property values and employment rate for about six months before making her decision. They didn't know anyone here, had no family nearby, they simply wanted something better than what they had. (not that there is anything wrong with Texas. Yeah Stars!)

I have another client, that relocated here from New Hampshire. If I remember right. She moved here with her new husband and expecting a new family member to her new family. She is young and had this picture perfect image of what life was going to be like for them. I had wished, at the time, that I had felt so confident about their situation and circumstances as she did. But after hearing her story, I had felt this weird sense of dread. I rejoiced with her, congratulated and wished her the best of luck, even so. She came into the office a couple weeks ago, tears flooding her eyes, asking if there was a way we could help regarding something that had happened. I couldn't, business wise, but I sat and talked to her to try to help calm her worries. She left that day smiling. She left that day believing that it would all be ok.

Today, she came in. Her lips quivering, familiar tears on the edge of her lashes, her four month baby girl straddled to her tummy in a carrier and beads of sweat pouring down her face because she had walked all the way to my office. I knew it wasn't good. I knew what she was going to say before she even said it. "Michelle," she said "I have been living in this bubble I created and now it has popped. He is gone. He has left before for days on end, but this is the last time. I am done. I don't know what to do. I have no friends because I thought all I needed was my husband and now he is gone. I am really stressed and don't know if I can do this anymore."

I took care of what needed to be done as far as business was concerned, took a deep breathe and drew on what I had felt, a long time ago. First, I gave her the customary advice on what resources she had through the community and what was available to her financially. Second, I told her that she needed to pull out all the strength she had left. I told her to take all the energy she was spending on grief and put it towards making a good life for her daughter. I told her that there are reasons for everything (yes I do believe that) even when it would seem to be the hardest thing we have ever had to deal with, and those reasons to explain the 'why' seem inexplicable. There will be water through the fire, moments of joy to quench the hurt. I told her to stop and take a breathe. To look at her baby girl's face, her smile, her tiny fingers and toes and know that she is reason to move forward, to try harder. I gave her my home number and told her to call me. I told her that if she needed anything, anything at all, that I would help in whatever way I could even if it was just to go for a walk and talk. And last, I told her that I would be her friend. She cried.

She left the office today smiling, perhaps only for a moment until the hopefullness that she started to feel waned in the shadow of what her reality was. I don't know.

I hope she calls.

Reasons

Art walk and Concert

Home to Me

Isn't it funny how the roads just pass us by
Isn't it crazy how we never get it right
Time is wasted on money and money wasted on lust.
Treat her like a lady and she'll never get enough

Cause' its you that I'm runnin to baby
Its you that I'm feelin for lately and
Its like a pain that never goes away
and it always starts today

Cause you are home to me

Josh Kelly

TTFN

Something is wrong with me today. Just one of those days where you want to stick your head in a hole and pretend no one can see you cause you can't see them.

I want to crawl between my covers and just sleep for a long while.

I want to take off for a drive on an empty road.

I want to shed all this "stuff" weighing me down and just float on a breeze.

I just want to go away today.

Eden

Pretty huh? My favorite. These are from my back yard. Ok, well, not exactly My backyard. The sit on the border to the neighbors benefit. But I love them just like they were my own. :)

I find myself "challenged" in the yard department. Only discovered through effort. And sweat. And...frustration. This year, I am determined to make my yard presentable. Not just the neat patches of dirt from years, bygone. There are tufts of remenants of a lush, green and envious of passerbys landscape. But dirt prevails. Lots of powdery, dry, vitamin and nutrient free...dirt. I am sick of the dirt. I am tired of lusting after my neighbors Lilacs, only to turn back around and see no fruit from my efforts. No pretty flowers blooming, where I had planted them the year before. No new grass sprouting up from my seeding. Just dirt.

I don't expect much in my life. I really am pretty simple. I always wanted a modest home to share with a loving husband. Afternoons spent on a covered swing, sipping sweet iced tea and enjoying the sweet scents of newly cut grass and freshly pruned flowers. I have the modest home. A little more modest than I thought, but mine just the same. That leaves two of the three. I think the yard is a bit more attainable than the husband part.

This weekend, while those with a nice yard already, are enjoying their long holiday, I will be preparing the way to make this giant ant hill something...better.

Lions N' Tigers N' Bears...

Conversations with Rachel

Her: "Ya know Mom, I know why it is that you have trouble with men."

Me: (with a look of shock and dismay) "Oh really?"

Her: "Yes. When you talk to a boy, you have to speak really slow."

Me: "Yes, I know."

Her: "And they don't reach intellectual maturity until they are 45."


Oh my.

Virtual Reality

So, I have a Sims Character. Single mom etc. First off, let me just say that I don't like the game very much. But once you get playing, you can't seem to stop cause there is always some need. She has to pee, she has to eat, sleep, work, clean the house, clean herself and on and on and on. She has no time for socialization, much less answering the damn phone. She isn't happy, she has no fun and her comfort level is rock bottom. Her thought bubbles consist of pizza, a random man's face, her bed and something or other that would be assumed as fun. Most of the time, she catches naps on the couch in between working all day and taking care of the chores at night. She is now prone to narcoleptic fits in the middle of the bathroom, on the street taking out the trash and in front of the fridge. Her checking account consists of $6.54. She breaks into moments of complete meltdown and cries into her hands if she has to sop up one more mess in front of the flipping leaky shower.

Sounds about right.

Breezy

If I eat another piece of Broccoli, I think I am going to be sick.

I want chocolate.

Happy Monday!

I got a haircut

What a full weekend. Well, for me, it was. Considering I have had absolutely nothing happening in my life, social engagement wise, the past few. And today? Was spectacular. The sun was shining, the sky was this beautiful shade of blue, puffy clouds, and crisp cool air. All day, I was kicking myself for not bringing my camera. Harumf.

This morning started early for me. I had one of those dreams (I don't dream much, if at all) that woke me at 3:30am. It always shakes me up a bit when I wake crying. This one, was of my daughter and some boy I do not know. They had been taken while out for a walk. Abducted, like those you hear about on the news and think it wouldn't happen to you. Unfathomable loss, I could feel in my dream. The wrenching of hands, of time standing still and of disbelief. All that went through my mind was of any harm that may have come to her and I was not there to save her. A horrible picture of her face calling out to me. The odd thing, was that the mother of the boy said this sort of thing happens all the time, especially at dusk. Dusk? She couldn't understand my grief and my questioning of why and who. Weird. The desperation in my dream is something I hope I never experience. When I woke, I went into my daughters room to see her sleeping. My first thought, was to scoop her up and take her to my bed so she would be next to me. I didn't. I watched her for a moment, straightened her blankets, kissed her cheek and let the anxiety of the dream melt off.

Real morning came and...

We started at Church. My sisters Church, for the dedication of my Nephew Noah. Such a cutie he is. He is one of those analytical children. Always a serious face, deep eyes that look like they know so much. I swear you could hear his mind ticking away. The Pastor announced his name, looked his way and he shot the cutest smile up at him. I wish I had a picture of that. (kicking again) Our family has the sweetest children. Dang me.

Pastor Dave spoke about children. About how we, as parents, instill their beliefs and how those beliefs will be carried with them through their lives regardless of what choices they make, what obstacles they face because of those choices. The truth is there however buried or denied it might be. I certainly hope so.

This would the part where I start to talk about breakfast with my folks and my brother in laws birthday party. How they made a joke about the 34 candles on his cake and said well just be glad it isn't 37 or something like that. (I, am going to be 37 this year. ThankyouveryMuch! Hmmpf.) Anyway, breakfast was fun and my sister makes the best dang Hershey Cake ever. Again, I wish I had my camera. (and a magic fairy wand to remove all the caloric intake of this day)

But, I am not going to write about all of that cause the early rising is starting to get to me. I started this post quite a while ago and keep finding myself staring at the screen, motionless and in a whirlwind of thought that doesn't have words. My queue, that it is time for bed. Sweet ones to you...

Self Portrait Sunday

I was trying to be creative, but it screams Narcissism...doesn't it?

Chuckle

And yet...I wonder.

Regurgitatus

I had this post all typed out in my head last night, and actually started to put it on here. But, I thought about many times I had already posted yesterday (one would think I did nothing but), and the substance of my current thoughts, and the friend that posted about "Whiney Hineies" (you know who you are) and decided I would just sleep on it all.

Yesterday, was a weird day. This past week has been filled with thoughts and not so much regrets, as lessons that just didn't go over very well with me. It is like I didn't get it quite right and let's walk through this one more time shall we? No. 2 pencils only, and no calculators or notes allowed.

Talking to the JYD yesterday was sort of the pinnacle. He really hasn't changed. No difference. Still the same "It is all about me and what I want and how might you be able to give it to me?" person. It blows me away and I really have nothing to draw on to understand that mentality. There are so many of them too. I have had three, truly important, in my heart of hearts, relationships in my life. Each one of them, have been this type of person. I used to think they were the minority and I have had some really bad luck. Now, I am seeing that they are the majority. How do people become this way? Is it something they are born with, or are they simply victims of a society that is all about focusing on the self? I can't seem to chew well on the victim mentality. Something about the texture makes me gag.

I know I go on a lot about relationships. Successful ones have eluded me and I have tried to find ways of improving my thoughts, perceptions, and ways of dealing with a given situation. It has been my crux, my wall, my "can't get over this gap 'cause I can't see the bottom and I am afraid of falling" thing in my life. (we always seem to focus on what we don't or can't have) But how can you have something good if you are with someone that isn't made of the same mojo? No matter how important something is to you personally, if it isn't for them, then it is all for not. Maybe a small seed was planted, but even the little packs of seed you buy have some, that just don't grow. Then, there are those that tell you they have changed because of your words, because of how they hurt you and realized within themselves that they needed to do it different. But they didn't do it different with you. They did it with someone else. They thrive, profit and find happiness they didn't know existed. Well, that's great. I am truly happy for them. Meanwhile, I am sitting here alone. Wondering when someone will do it right with me. It is sweet to know that you have inspired change to come about in someone, it is bitter when that change isn't reflected back on you.

I don't think it is selfish to believe you deserve what you would only give back ten fold.

Fish are friends

Rachel did great today. I am so proud of her.

Rachel and Lindsey...respectively. Rachel's team "The Minnows" won first place!


She was first in this heat...


Psyching herself for her freestyle. (Nice flag huh? They wouldn't let us any closer and no matter where you went, a flag. Hmmph.)

Never Ceases

Funny how some people don't change, don't develop and grow as individuals. Perhaps, even realize that some of their personal perceptions may be a bit askew or even that there may be other options, entirely. Ugh. Talked to that guy I dated not too long ago. Ya know...the Junk Yard Dog. Ha! That still cracks me up! Anyway, he couldn't remember who I was. Seriously. (Although part of me believes he was being his usual cheeky self) I had to refresh his memory, and when I did he says "Oh yeah, you're that cute one with the really great kisses...Mmmm. What are you doing for lunch?"

I was busy.

Sheesh.

Was that the only impression I made on the guy? That I give good lip? I dated him for four months and I am remembered for my kiss? I suppose that isn't a bad thing, but we didn't exactly end on a good note. You'd think he would at least remember me for the nasty spew I sent his way when he lied to me. Nope...

Christine called and said that she got things mixed up for tonight. It isn't that My daughter was going to spend the night at Her house, it was that Her daughter was going to spend the night at My house. She asked if I had any plans, if there was any way we could change what she got confused. I said of course Christine. I have no plans...

Options. I really need some options. Something has got to give Lord...something.

High Ho

On our way to Awana last night, and my girl shoots me a smile. Got to love that face!

As we were driving, I asked if she had wanted me to hang out with her. It was Carnival night, end of the season celebration and since she is going to miss the awards night next week due to, yet another, school program, she hit the Carnival to sort of say goodbye. Anyway, she didn't want me to stay. I didn't feel rejected in any way, more over, relieved.

I have seemed to have developed this aversion to large crowds. Not where my family is concerned since we have enough of us to fill school bus, but the public kind. It doesn't matter if it is my Church, a grocery store, or shopping mall. The other night when we went down to The Old Mill, as soon as we drove through looking for a space to park, I felt the immediate need to leave. There were so many people, conversations, thoughts, looks, Jedi's. I get this subtle state of confusion. Usually I just push it out of my mind and focus on the task at hand. But, it is starting to make me wonder if I am going to become one of those people that don't like to leave their own home. Bound by their fear, trapped in their walls. I keep picturing myself as this lonely old woman with 12 cats, snotty tissues, magazines strewn on the floor, just waiting for the next phone call from her successful, happy daughter. Me, living vicariously through her next adventure.

It is Friday...make it great.

Lightsabre? Or just happy to see me?

I like Star Wars. Really. It is a good story, always great graphics effects...etc...and dang me if Vadar wasn't a hottie before the doom. But my daughter and I, went down to The Old Mill District to do some shopping. (Bath and Body is located down there and you can Never smell too good) The place was crawling with people dressed in Star Wars garb. Yeesh. I didn't see anyone I knew, or, rather, cared to see, thankfully. The first showing is at Midnight and they were actually camping out in front of the theatre. My daughter freaked at the site and wondered what all the stink was about.

"Why are those people wearing robes and masks Mom? They are everywhere! What is wrong with them? It is all for a movie?"

I understand being passionate about something. Lord knows, I contain myself on many an issue and desire, on a daily basis. But, I would not go into work dressed up as Mr Howl or Ginger, or stop by "Someones" house wearing the Donkey suit from Shrek, or even attend Sunday service cloning the likes of Mary Magdalene herself. I love Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and am even looking forward to the Witch and Wardrobe. I will be excited to see the new releases when they come out. I am excited to see Star Wars, this weekend, at some point. But, most likely, I will be wearing some comfy jeans, flip flops and a t-shirt.

Pillars

Some great news with Tech. Really, it is just awesome and am so glad he is on the road to recovery. It is said to the Thank the Lord for his will to be done. To know that it will be. That Absolute Faith. A feeling within, a knowing, that something will be ok. I can't explain it. But I sure wish that I could feel that about my own self, my own prayers. I seem to come to this place of guilt in asking for something for myself. There are certainly those more deserving, in more need of God's grace. I am glad He graced Tech.

Ok then...

I feel like a leech has been placed over my existence and is sucking all those things that scare me, to the surface. And I mean really scare, deep seeded fears and the like. The things that I have told myself are past. The past can not be undone. It is what is was and we move forward. We learn, make better choices for ourselves and our children. We take the memory of what happened to us and turn it around and do the opposite so as not to repeat and propel the cycle. But when I am thrust into facing that which scares me, it is like a rewind on play. All the scenes, all the events take place lightening fast before my minds eye, backwards. With feelings included. It isn't just the sights I see but the emotions and hurts that went with them.

My adopted Mother is coming to stay with me for a few weeks. I spoke with my sister tonight to confirm the dates and she asked me to set up the flight itinerary. I really hadn't thought it was going to happen. We had discussed the possibility for several months. The possibility is now turning into a reality.

She has been ill. My mother underwent a liver transplant 10 months ago and has had a rocky recovery since. A fractured pelvis, numerous infections and several bouts of depression (she is Bi-Polar) and dementia (ripping out tubes and needles, wandering out into the streets of LA, I think, constitues some sort of dementia). I have talked to her, listened and been there for her in the way that I can. I tell her I am praying for her. Her only response to me is "Yeah yeah Michelle, you go ahead and pray."

I haven't been there physically to help my sister. I went down to visit a few months before her surgery was approved, to spend time, Christmas with all of us together, that kind of thing. So much has been placed on my sisters shoulders this past year. I hear the frustration and suffocation in her voice when we speak. It is the least I can do to offer some kind of relief. I really want to do that for her, my sister.

I am not sure how to segue into the feelings I have regarding my mother...so I am just going to cut right into it. As a word of warning, this is really personal and probably is better left unsaid. For whatever reason, I am unloading.

My memories do involve some happy ones. Ones of my sister getting a motorcycle for Christmas, my brother getting his tricked out Trans-Am (a la Smokey and The Bandit) and my mom and dad buying that house she just had to have. (I know, a bit materialistic. But that was my family. Money bought happiness, in their eyes) My happy moments were that of laying on the grass, covered with 2 litters of Old English Sheepdog puppies. Or, watching the June bugs dance hypnotically under the street lights. It is the "other" stuff I have a hard time with. The memory at 5 when I stumbled down the hallway to see why they were fighting and getting hit in the head with a telephone that was meant for my father. Then, getting yelled at and smacked for being out of bed, by her. The memory at 8 when her response to what I said I wanted to be when I grew up, was that I was too stupid to accomplish anything. The memory at 12 when she said no one would ever love me cause I was too ugly. The memory at 13 when I was beat because I had worn the same exact sweater 2 days prior. The memory at 17 when sitting at my aunts house in Las Vegas and she told the story of my adoption. How she didn't want me and was stuck with 2 girls instead of just the one she did want. The memory at 22. When she handed me a bill, detailing every expense in raising me and wanted reimbursement, followed by commentary of how difficult and worthless I was. Even though I had handed her every paycheck I made for the past two years and another two years to follow with the idea it would pay my keep and any debts I had, only to find out she used it for other purposes. There were other things. Things I dare not speak, much less, type.

I know my experience growing up wasn't that bad in comparison to others. I have talked with those that suffered unspeakable abuse and neglect. So many of us have to some degree or other. I certainly do not compare myself or begin to judge on any level the severity. Nor, do I feel sorry for myself. Our experiences and our past is what makes us the kind of person we are. Giving that we have taken them and learned something from them. Maybe, I am just trying to give some explanation where the disassociation and boundaries exist with my mother. Why I am having a hard time with accepting my mother coming into my home, internally. When I go down to visit, it is just that. I am a visitor. It is a foreign place to me and so I can distance myself and keep a healthy boundary with her, mentally. But, she is coming here. I, will be the one to take care of her. I can assure you I won't be doing so from a place that she taught me about. But rather, from a place that my birth mother taught me, of loving kindness and selfless devotion, regardless of what transpired before.

I am hoping for some kind of healing. Some kind of understanding or even an acceptance of choices and words given. I don't know that we will have that talk. She still scares me, intimidates me and when I am around her I revert into that girl that thinks....well...thinks a lot of things she shouldn't.

Apologies are already offered up for this post.

Lava Java

This day is going to rock. Seriously. It is just me and my boss. No Noggin', no intern...which means no interruptions or constant questioning. Yeah! I am hoping it goes by fast though.

Sleep wasn't forthcoming last night. After the hub-bub outside, I was irrationally sensitive to every movement or sound. I kept thinking about that window blind I haven't fixed that would allow anyone to watch inside. I thought about my baby on the other side of my house, and I thought about how I would inflict some serious damage to anyone that tried to invade my home, uninvited. I chuckled when I thought about how this person would have thought they stumbled upon such easy prey, when in fact he just entered the home of an extremely frustrated woman. One, who is always at the ready to defend and protect her child. One, that isn't about to let one more person take advantage without a really good fight.

It almost makes me feel sorry for my paranoia induced predator.

Locking up

How creepy is it?

To be sitting in your quiet, warm home, typing innocently away, then hear the neighbors ankle biter dog go bolistic, a shuffling in your driveway, a thump or two against your house, rustling bushes, and then, moments later, a car speeding off down the street with nothing but tail lights as identification?

Off the richter scale if you ask me.

Deep fried

I talked to the sperm doner today. (I know sperm donor sounds aweful. I can't say ex-husband, 'cause by definition, he really wasn't one except that a peice of paper said so. And calling him her father, well again the definitions and paper.) Why? you may ask. I don't know. I have been contemplating too much lately and I wanted answers. Not that he could give any but my resources were at an all time low for someone wanting certainty. I got certainty alright. Certainty, that he is still what I had always believed him to be. Not that I had any doubt to begin with. He didn't even ask how his daughter was. It has only been a few months since he has talked to her, mind you. He basically went on about how hard life has been for him and the things he has had to go without.

Now, I am a pretty empathetic person. So much so, that it can effect my own state of mind. It has been a fault in the past, as far as discernment is concerned. But, I found myself totally repulsed by his victim perspective, again. It was all a lead in to the fact that he still cannot help support his child. I am not only talking monetary support. I have been supporting my daughter alone financially for a long time. There isn't a choice where that is concerned. I can't say "Sorry Rach but I can't feed you this week 'cause I had to take this really great trip without you and you will just have to wait. Some things are just more important." Grrr..

I am also speaking of emotional support. The fact that I hear my daughter telling her friends that she has no father, digs at me everytime the words leave her lips. These are her own realizations. They are not of my own doing. I told my best friend tonight, that it is the one thing that really gets me. It is the one thing that I can't fix for her or stop her from learning. The disappointment in her eyes and tone of emotion where he is concerned, is making that turn I knew was inevitable. As much as I disliked the Disneyland Dad syndrome, I think I hate this, even more.

He speaks of how much he loves her. What kind of love is that exactly? The one I know of means that you can't go a day without speaking to her. Holding her, laughing with her and sharing with her. The kind of love that finds you smelling her coat when she is away at a friends for the weekend because you miss her. The kind of love that finds you working a job picking the gum off the bottom of chairs if it means giving her all she needs. Loving her isn't conditional to his schedule. There are no conditions on love where your child is concerned. Period.

He made promises, then recanted, saying he didn't want to disappoint me again. I said "It is great that you feel you have so much choice. It must be liberating, really. However, I don't believe there is choice where your child is concerned." I said much more but can't remember the exact words. He made a comment that there were others in his life that couldn't wait. Couldn't wait? Meaning what? That they are more important and your daughter can wait? News flash...she isn't waiting. She is growing up and before he can blink those vacant and clueless eyes, she will be moving on. He has already missed out on so much. All by his own choice.

Well, glad I got that out of my system.


Rachel was sitting in her room doing homework, I, on the computer. (as usual)

Her: "Mom...?"

Me: "Yeah?"

Her: "What is zook-kitche-knee?"

Me: "What?"

Her: "What is ummm Zuck-kinch-ee?"

Me: "Spell it."

Her: "Z U C C H I N I. Does it have to do with Art?"

Me: "Depends on the artist."

Biting my tongue

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love
will have the final word in reality.
This is why right, temporarily defeated,
is stronger than evil triumphant.
-- Martin Luther King Jr.

How much I want to lash out and let my anger and disappointment get the better of my words. It hasn't made any difference in the past to one that feels so justified in their actions. So why would it now? My words and feelings are on deaf ears to those they're meant for. No purpose in that. So away I'll turn. And walk another direction towards something empty but free.

Defeated by my own self, yet again. I didn't go. Right choices for the wrong reasons.

Perhaps, it is best that I don't write anything. My words and thoughts aren't in the best of humor.

Have a great week.

2 Bits

Me: "I need a haircut."

Her: "Why?"

Me: "'Cause, the ends are fried."

Her: "Your head was in the oven?"



I blame the hormones.

Self Portrait Sunday

Light on the butter...please

Me: "Rachel?"

Her: "Yeah..."

Me: "We are going to have to watch another movie."

Her: (giggles) "Ok...why?"

Me: "Cause we forgot to make the popcorn with the first one."

Rockin' in the tree tops

The birds are busily chatting this morning. A crowded coffee house in song.


These are my memories. My tender infant, be-cheeked baby, wide-eyed toddler and precocious little girl. Those days, are like tiny treasures wrapped in soft cloth. If only, I had thought to put them in a bottle. I could pour them into now and experience it all over again.



First day of kindergarten, this little girl runs up to my daughter and hugs her. "I am so glad you're here!" she says. I thought, who is this little sprig of a person so happy to see my child? She still runs up and hugs my daughter, but now they are starting middle school. I wondered, then, how my baby would develop through the years of grade school. It is like yesterday, on the other side of the world.


As we sat and laughed at her school carnival last night, I thought about these things. How we, she, is taking another step towards her future. Where will she be in the next three years? When yet another step is before her? She is ready, excited and scared. No more are the days filled with questions of the outer workings of the world, "Why do the birds sing Mama?", but now the inner ones of her own, "Did you wear a B cup when you were ten Mom?".


I still see her on the playground with pigtails and arms stretched wide. "Take my picture Mama!"

Reality is a little different. She has gone from a camera hog to "Get that camera out of my face Mom!" Most of the time she humors me, providing I promise not to display it on the world wide web.

Ahem...

I made no such promise.

Scratches

My long lost friend, C (techy man), emailed me yesterday, aside from commenting. After the apologies and remarks of yearning and such, he said...

"I hope you don't cave in to someone you know you won't be content with in the long run, simply to appease loneliness for the moment. "the jaws that bite, the claws that catch" --you know, that old jabberwocky..."

I know all too well. That is why I am alone. I won't settle. Maybe that will come back to haunt me later, or perhaps it already is, I don't know. Have I become so rigid that one thought of question makes me run for cover?

Peanut butter hasn't made its way into my daily intake for....oh what seems a really long time. Long enough.


...


Hmmm. Seems I have lost my train of thought.

_________________
Apparently I need to clarify. C, is married and was nothing more than a friendship. Although, if the option was ever presented, I would definitely go for more...

Time out

I am going to spit this out as fast as I can because you know...I am really supposed to be in the shower getting ready for a glorious day at work. But, I had it mulling around in my head and I need to do it before it goes, south. Or something.

First off -

It's Friday! Yeah! and as a double bonus.. Payday!

Second -

What do people mean when they say they have "Turned a corner."? Is there really a corner? Is Ed Mcmahon waiting on the other side of said edge, with a coupon that says "You have Won! A Lifetime subscription to magazines you don't really want!"
I have yet to see some corner. Now, I have experienced "'round abouts". Such as the ones that exist in our town that are supposed to navigate the flow of traffic. But, really just confuse people, new to town, as to what they are supposed to do. Well, it confuses the locals too. I have walked these circles of life. Endlessly, I might add. If I remember right, there are no edges or corners in circles. I made it out of my spherical dilemma, and am now on this long straight dirt road. There is this wall to the left of me, all white, hard and unmoving. The other side of my path is rocky, full of weeds and about a 60 foot death drop down the side. Where's the corner? Is there a sign posted somewhere, do I need glasses? Ok, I do, but I don't like wearing them and squinting makes me look like I have had a face lift. But still...I am missing something. There must be a secret passage in the wall. I want my corner!

L@someotherlevel

Interesting to hear from a long lost friend today. Completely unexpected. I like that. I think I struck a nerve, however, with my Random Rant post. It has been a bone of contention (pardon the pun) in the past. But we can agree to disagree right? He was a great friend, in a mental sense. The kind you can talk to to about the deepest of subjects and not feel like the they are tuning you out when you get to that really "beyond" place of speculation. Anyway, thanks for putting a platform under the proverbial rope C, or would that be Mr. M, Mr. E? If only... :P

I have been wanting to do something, but there is that thing holding me back. My desire for going to a particular performance has nothing to do with who might be there, but rather an urging of friends and clients who attend this church and said I should. And, because I want to. It used to be my Church. The one I attended anyway, I was never the type to get involved within, much. I went to learn, to observe and worship. Call me a "Lukewarm, Sidelines Christian" if labels and levels of belief are your thing. But keep in mind that judgment is reserved for only one. And how He thinks of me, is my only concern. (I can't help but think he is none too happy) So, I was told that I shouldn't let something like that which I am eluding to, deter me. If it doesn't matter, then go... right?

Not cloud in the sky

How can you not love a day like that? I woke, early this morning, slid the curtain of plastic behind my bed aside, and saw the blue sky. The sun rays are peeking through my blinds, dancing on my sofa, my floor and my face. I am going to relish this day.

Tech is having his surgery this morning. Please keep him in your thoughts, and prayers.

There's this bridge...

My messenger was visible. Dag nab it! I didn't know. Really. I had booted my system and for whatever foresaken reason, I was logged on. "Come on strong guy" saw me...(I took him off my list and now cannot control his vision)

COSG: i will try and say hi one more time.
COSG): hope it is okay
Me: It is fine...hi
COSG: are you sure? i was beginning to think that you didn't want to talk to me any more
Me: yeah i am sure. It is just that when I talk to you, you presume to know how I feel and what I want. We have talked about this before. I feel like I have to live up to what you are expecting.
Me: make sense?
COSG: i guess so.
COSG: and i am not expecting anything anymore. i didn't before but know better now from anyone.
Me: (huh?) ok
COSG: am i interupting something right now?
Me: no just surfing around
Me: how have you been?
COSG: just busy with work and the boys
COSG: nothing unusual and getting ready for out summer program to start at work. the university if finally out for the summer on friday
Me: what is the program?
COSG: just the summer camps.
Me: ah ok
COSG: how is your summer looking?
Me: hmm well pretty much like the rest of the year
Me: working...taking care of my daughter
COSG: i know how that can go.
COSG: would you like to get together?
Me: are you talking like next week or maybe perhaps sometime in the future?
COSG: any time
Me: I think maybe, perhaps sometime in the distant future. I don't know. (A firm No would have been more appropriate)
COSG: if you wouldn't mind i could let you know when i can.
Me: that's fine...and we could see if it would work out for me too (ya think?)
COSG: okay.
COSG: i do miss you.
COSG: and sorry for the delays. i am running kids in the shower
Me: no worries
COSG: all done.
COSG: are you still there?
Me: yeah I am here
Me: just reading a friends website
COSG: k
COSG: what do you think about getting together?
Me: as friends, maybe
COSG: just as friends or a chance for more?
Me: I don't know about the chance for more (just say No Michelle)
COSG: that makes sense.
Me: I guess it is part of my "issues" or whatever you want to call them...I like time
COSG: i guess i deserved that.
Me: deserved what?
Me: I wasn't making a dig on you or anything
COSG: i am the one that ruined our chance at getting together before so yes i did deserve that. i don't plan on doing it again
Me: well I didn't mean for it to sound or come out that way
COSG: i didn't say that you did
Me: ok (didn't he just say that he "deserved that" as if to say I was making a remark towards him?)
COSG: you seem very distant
Me: just reading...really. I have been writing a bit too
Me: its something to do
COSG: that is true
COSG: i will brb
Me: ok
COSG: sorry that took so long. i am back
Me: no worries
COSG: you were supposed to miss me!
Me: ok (I think I am definitely missing something)
COSG: what are you thinking about? (I don't think there has been a conversation with him that didn't include that exact statement)
Me: I am looking through template designs for my webpage
COSG: sounds like fun
Me: interesting anyway....gives me ideas
COSG: k
Me: well I am off to bed
Me: have a good night
COSG: you too michelle. sleep well.

Perhaps, this conversation doesn't look like much. Perhaps, I look cold in my responses. You have to know the history with this person. Within a week he had me married, having babies that he had already named, moved me to another state so we could live closer to His family, and had talked about the house we would buy and live in. He went so far as to look at property. I hadn't even dated him. He said he wanted to adopt my daughter etc...

Not once, in all of our conversations, has he asked me what I felt, thought, wanted, in regards to the situation. Not once. When he asks me "What are you thinking?" He would usually follow up with "I know you are thinking about being with me huh?" If I said anything different, he would get withdrawn and sullen. So, I have learned to just not answer the question. Notice in this conversation above, he didn't even ask me how I was doing? He said he would let me know what worked for Him as far as getting together would go. He used to tell me that he already knew how I felt and how much I needed him. He knew that I laid in bed thinking of him. Ummm...no. Perhaps, laid in bed and wondered if he was some kind of control freak? That I admit. He had fits of jealousy if I mentioned anyone that was male in gender and we, COSG and I, hadn't even gone on a date.

The guy scares me. Period. Not just from a relationship standpoint, but from a humanistic place as well. Something just isn't right...

Not there

Reading the past, is just that. It is the past. Words filled with anger and remorse. Sorrow and frustration, for events that didn't transpire as hoped, perhaps even dreamed. I am not who I was just a few months ago. Release of something and someone brings about change, transformation. Don't ya think?

I wince at words I have written. I remember that place, but it is like the rain puddle a few days ago. Dried and a patch of wet on the pavement with debris gathered around.

Reminisce

The cutest child ever...I may be a bit partial, however.


Her minds a workin'!


Disneyland is the Best...


Perhaps, I will explain my photo frenzy later...

It holds me up

She gets me through my day.


See...

More numbers

Six Things (to do...when you have no adult stimulation.'take that however you want, it's your mind')

6. Dance Pad. It's great exercise. I danced. I sweated. Yeah.

5. Take pictures of your fish, the floor, and your disorganized closet. (It really is a "walk in". I swear.)

4. Sit on your porch and try to coax the cat in. (or dog, goat...whatever) She is feeling much better, by the way. She sat on the other side of the fence and glared at me. Chuckling all the while. On the inside, of course.

3. Read uplifting and inspiring emails sent to you by friends that want a "tag" back. Do I really need to send this back to you for you to know how much I care?

2. Organize your online favorites list. I really can't believe I spent time doing that.

1. I really don't have a number one. Suggestions welcome...

Anti-climatical, to say the least.


Ok then, Buster passed this afternoon. I was upset. I had high hopes for the guy. Rest in peace little bunny.




One of the "emails"

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself,
probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

A Minute
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Take the time... to live and love.

Paperclips

The Bunny
Debbie, emailed me a picture this morning. This is "Buster". They gave it a name. I told her she was doomed and attachment was inevitable. (as if it weren't already) I had to laugh at the name Buster. But then you have to keep in mind, that they also have a dog named Timber. She has some head trauma and when she tilts her head to the left, she falls over. Seriously. Anyway, the cup located in the back of the kennel in this picture is a 1/4 cup measuring cup. That might give you an idea of how tiny Buster is. Poor thing...

Her husband said he was going to build a giant boat facade on the front of their house and paint a sign that says "Debbie's Animal Ark". Appropriate. They also have a dog with a phobia for rain, another dog that likens himself to an infant, a bird with a nervous disorder, another bird with an ego so large his name should be Narcisus, a couple pompous kitties, and some huge fish that one would think were dead but really just like to float upside down. Oh yeah...and they have a snake that like to "escape". Always an interesting visit...

Hippity hoppity...

Word of warning - Don't rub your eye after you have just chopped a bunch of hot greek peppers to put in your sandwich. Ouch!

I am usually pretty good with the common sense thing, but today has been an off day. Yeesh. I am chalking it up to "something in the air" "It's a Monday" and the Portland-esque weather we have been experiencing. (rain, rain and ya know...more rain) I am thankful for the blooming flowers and squelched spring fires that this over abundance of wetness gifts us. But my fingers and toes are getting a bit wrinkly. I like the sunshine. A lot.

No more whining...I promise.

My friend Debbie is an amazing person. We have so many things about us that are different, yet so many that are the same. I think that is why we have been such good friends for such a long time. Because of our differences, it keeps it fresh and sometimes surprising. Let me just say, there are stories. And, because we can accept those quirky weird things about each other and not judge the whole person.

My conversations with her today (they vary each day between 1-10 phone calls in a 24 hour period) have revolved around a bunny. A little 2 week old cotton tailed bunny. She says he is about half the size of the palm of her hand. (I am aweing as I write this even.) Anyway, the bunny or rather bunnies (3 of them) were found by a friend of hers' husband while out in a field. The burrow had been demolished by construction and he heard them squeeling. Poor little guys. They rescued them.

This one particular bunny had his leg tangled in some grass that was given for their bedding. The grass was wound so tight, it broke his hip. Debbie took this little guy into her home and took him to the vet, where they splinted his leg and gave her formula to feed him. She is nursing him back and promises to bring him to my office when she is in town this week. (she is keeping him with her till he heals)

I love this about her. She is one of those people that sees the tiniest, most vulnerable and needy of life and gives it whatever she possibly can, regardless of value another may place on it. (The friends husband vowed to "take care of it" when he returned home from work) It is a life and it needs help. I know that I would do the same thing, but it is in the way she does it. She is so strong and calm about it, whereas I would be drowning in tears over what pain it must be feeling. (sad huh?) Anyway, I think she is awesome.

Random Rant...keep moving...

Ya know? The next time I hear a married individual complain because they don't get any...I am going to have slap someone silly. Hello? Your married. You have a person, that you love and committed your life to, laying in your bed next to you and you don't get any? Who's fault is that exactly? What are you doing to change the situation? You have this incredible world of options and exploring open to you with someone that supports you and your desires (ideally) and you come to lonely, single me and complain? No...No...No. I don't think so.

What tha'?

Happy Monday to my 5 readers. Actually, only once in a while would it be 5. The best friend only stops by when I tell her to. Thanks for the support Deb! I am kidding...you know I love you... There used to be more. But they were only here and there and that was cause I was dating them and I figured if they were to truly like me for who I am then they needed to read the ugly parts of me too. Not just the nice ones.

They are gone now. :P

The last guy I dated, the one I haven't answered as yet and not really sure I am going to, read my page. He asked me at one point, "So, I need to know something?" "Ok, you know you can ask me anything and I will answer truthfully however much I may not want to." I said. He asked..."This guy you write about, Where do you stand on that?" Ugh...I thought. This question sucks. How do I answer this without putting the kabosh on whatever possibility? So I just said it. "I know my words are harsh where he is concerned, or at least have been, I have the attitude now of "hate the sin but love the person". I experienced a lot that he isn't aware of or won't acknowledge but it isn't for me to judge him in that respect. I guess I am indifferent" He wasn't satisfied with my answer and asked "What if he came back into your life?" "Hmm. Ok. Well..I don't know. I don't think he would. Not on purpose anyway." I sidestepped the question. Took it off of me and put it back to what he would do. Like I know. I don't. I couldn't explain a 6 year friendship that was tossed and treated like one night stand gone sour, in a two sentence answer. I asked him if that was enough information or if he needed more? And then, he sidestepped mine. Hmmm.

I have a hard time answering questions about a future I am uncertain about. I don't know my own. I know what is now and that is all I can promise or give to anyone, in that respect. When you love someone, you tell them everyday cause you don't know what tomorrow will bring or, for that matter, take away.

Self Portrait Mother's Day Sunday

Dear Mom,

I opened my box tonight. The one I hide under my bed. The one that keeps the tokens of my life, important what-not and the words I hold so incredibly dear. Your letter was there. The one you wrote in 1977 that began with...

"Dear Mr. & Mrs. (adoptive parents) I would like to begin this letter by assuring you that I'm not going to disrupt your life in any way. I have a family of my own now..."

and closed with

"Before I close, I would like to thank you for giving what I couldn't. Love her for me. Thank You, (my mom)".

I cried, as I always do when I open the tattered and year worn envelope. Three years later, I found the letter, rifling through my mothers makeup stand. (12 years olds know of no ones privacy, except their own) I called my best friend Suzie and told her of what I had read. I cried then too. Tears of happiness that you had thought of me, and tears of sadness of something lost but never known. I kept the knowledge of your letter secret for another 11 years. And then I wrote my own letter.


You may not have been there for my first baby steps, but you were there for those first steps I took off the plane to begin a life, with my family, here in Oregon. You may not have been there for my first word, my first giggle, or my first bandaged knee, but you are here to now to talk, to laugh, and to comfort with your wisdom. I was Christened in the Greek Orthodox Church in 1968 without you, but you there at Westside Church when I was Baptised in 1998. You have been there in ways I had never thought possible and welcomed me into a family that I truly feel part of.

Words cannot express how thankful I am, how blessed I feel or how miraculous you are to me. I hope you know how much I do.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom and Thank You

I Love You.

Prints

Kudos to the tire guys. I bought new tires back in November last year, and was advised by friends that I should go somewhere else because the ones I got were considered expensive in comparison. I didn't take their advice. I am glad I didn't. They came to my home this morning, about ten minutes after I telephoned (I barely had time to brush my teeth), and aired up my tire enough to make it to the shop. They patched my front tire, checked the alignment, shocks, rotated my tires and had me on my way in 30 minutes without a dime from my wallet. It is worth the extra cost for service like that.

My friend, the realtor, is trying to get me to buy another house again. Her husband, a mortgage broker, swears that I am ready. The property values are soaring here. So many are moving into town that a home that sold for 120k last year is now selling for 180k plus. She said if I keep waiting, it will just get harder to do. I have a home. It is little and modest but it is mine. I pay less on my mortgage than I would if I rented. And much less than if I bought a larger home. She said I could get a room mate or an interest only loan. But I don't think I could live with another adult unless it was in the role of husband. And there isn't any takers now or seem to be on the horizon. My home now, fits my income. I don't want to be house poor. Interest only payments, make me question how smart that would be in the long run.

Maybe I am resisting change. I dunno. Or perhaps just scared of making the wrong choice. I see too often, people making what seems to be the right choice for them, only for them to realize they should have gone another way. Or stayed with what they never truly started to begin. Taking the comfortable route isn't always so good, either. Sometimes what makes us scared, uncomfortable, unfamiliar and nervous is what we actually need to truly move forward. I am confused. Funny how the torment of black and white appear in all of life's experiences. Eh?

One, Two buckle my shoe

Just a bunch of numbers

Being born on the 12th day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life.
The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental.
There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, sometimes "couldn't care less" attitude.

You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression.
Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing.
You are energetic and always a good conversationalist.

You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters.
Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about.
You are affectionate and loving - but very sensitive.
You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

Here is where you can do yours.
Found on a friends link to their friend. :P

Dublin Mudslide

So, I am home tonight. It is Friday. My daughter has her social life under way and I am home. Alone. I am not going anywhere, not because I don't want to, but because I can't. Stupid flat tire. Seriously. I have a flat tire. Right as I pulled in from dropping off my daughter and her friends. I jumped out and thought..."what the heck is that noise? I have a relatively new car it shouldn't be overheating? Should it?" It wasn't. My tire is a as flat as a jubilant round of Happy Birthday with my family. Ugh. It isn't that I had somewhere to be. I have no where to go, or anyone to see. But, I still like options. What if I had a midnight craving for some Ben and Jerry's? Hmmmph. I am thankful, however, that I am home and not stuck on the road somewhere.
Christine stopped by to pick up Rachel's overnight bag and started with the dating questions. "What happened to that guy you went out with a few weeks ago?" "I just sold a house to a single older guy in Sunriver?" Hint hint. "What about that guy I play softball with?" So I answered. "That guy I went out with sent me another email and I haven't answered it yet." "The guy in Sunriver, I am sure he is nice but..." "The guy you play softball with, I am sure he is nice but..." I sometimes think it is her personal goal to get me with someone. Anyone. She even told me to go hang out in a computer or electronics store so I could find someone interested in the same little gadgets as me. Yeah...like i am going to do that?
I need to get used to the "being alone indefinitely" concept. Some people just are. Or so I am thinking.

I try to straighten up around the house every night before I go to bed. That way when I stumble out in the wee hours, my first vision isn't the huge mess I am going to come home to after work. I came across this dandy little doodle in the process.

It was folded up next to my purse on the table. I try to check through any papers my daughter dumps on the kitchen table from her backpack, so as not to throw away something I need to see. (I am trying to justify the fact that I saw this personal note passed from her best friend during class, can ya tell? Not to mention that I also posted it here for all to see. :P She also keeps a journal. I do NOT read that and would not.) I sort of feel like I violated a personal thing or something. But I laughed and then stopped short when I realized that this sultry little vixen drawn, was supposed to be my daughter. Nice. Ugh. And the boy is one she has had a crush on for about 3 years now. He stands about a foot and a half short of her. It is all just a caution to what is to come.
This is going ot be one of those nights of me in bed, watching Harry and Sally (it is one of my favorite movies. I suppose I could pick something with a little more substance, but I love it. It is a comfort movie even if Harry is a jerk. Huh...reminds me of someone. Although, apparently, he likes pie.)

I wonder if Ben and Jerry deliver?

All smiles

Sweetness in Motion
My girl. She loves to sing and just loves music in general. My little me. :P

I am home on break. The neighbors alarm is going off...again. We, the other neighbors, experience this about every 2 weeks or so. I think the thing is more of a hinderance than a help. Err...I guess it is supposed to be a hinderance, but you know what I mean. The thing is annoying, and I am almost certain it will still be going off when I get home tonight.

But, I was able to post a photo. Yeah! I have more...but wonder how stable the program is. Perhaps, I will just wait.

Ok off to cement the rest of my day! It is Friday! Yeehaw!

Is that a cheese?

Ho hum. Hello won't let me post pictures from tonight. Perhaps in the AM. I thought maybe it was because I was overloading my system downloading music and researching some stuff for my book, or story, whatever it is. I guess not. I am done with downloading, done with searching, but still no go.

Anyway, the photos. I had to make one of those "shifts". It is Thursday, so Rach has her church group. I thought "Ok...get out of work, pick her up, get her dinner and off to church." Well...she informed me that they were having her spring concert tonight. Tonight. (yes I had to say that twice. I like to repeat myself to validate and emphasize.) I had no idea. No flyers were sent home yet. Usually we get at least a weeks notice. Not this time. Hummm...ok then. Let's rush home, make some calls for invites and get 'er done. No one could make it on such short notice, understood, which I am guessing is what happened with the lack of attendance. The auditorium wasn't standing room only as usual. Instead there were actually seats available and I could roam around taking pictures and video. Kind of cool actually. The kids were awesome. They sang this song in Latin dedicated and written for the Oklahoma Bombing. It was beautiful. I have this great picture of Rachel singing her sweet heart out. But, you'll have to wait for that one.

Now, I am enjoying this CD I downloaded. Marc Broussard. I am loving it. Never heard this one before, even though it was released in 2004. The music is a mix of blues, rock, jazz...and his sultry voice gets you down deep. The lyrics talk to just about everyone. I sure can relate...

I know, I get all excited when I find a great new CD. Well, new to me.

Sweet dreams!

Rummage

My daughter made a video in school. Pretty interesting. They got to write, act, direct and film it themselves. Her particular subject, was the dangers of cheating. (such as on tests etc) This would explain her recent interest, or not really so recent, in video taping everything I do. (And no, they will never be displayed here.) I really like her school, although with recent issues you might think me to feel otherwise. But her school has handled everything pretty well and I certainly don't expect them to be responsible for an individual childs choices. How they handle and discipline the aftermath, I do. At any rate, sometimes I feel like my daughter has had the priviledge to attend a magnet school. The one she attends, is small. Very small for a public school. The teachers and faculty are creative and fun. From the amazing Art Exhibits, Musical programs to the teacher against student basketball games and community science projects. I am heartened about her moving towards middle school and the awkward and challenging moments those years hold, but I am also going to miss this school she is growing from.

&

I seem to have my funniest thoughts in the shower. Well, maybe not so funny, more-over, odd. I was there this morning, trying to function, and I was getting annoyed that I couldn't keep my deep conditioning hair on the top of my head while I went about other business. Everytime I turned around, the water on my back would get the ends of my hair and wash off the conditioner, where, of course, I need it the most. Dag Nab it! So I thought, I should have one of those shower caps. It would help with the condition effect as well (heat etc) But then...my mind flashed to something completely forgotten. The YMCA. I took swim lessons there when I was 6. I had to wear this horrid yellow swim cap with giant and I mean GIANT orange flowers. Not printed flowers mind you, Big Rubber appliqued flowers that stuck up and wiggled when I walked. (My hair was blonde when I was little and the chlorine turned my hair green.) I was a vision... Chubby little girl in a red bathing suit, swim fins, buck teeth, my yellow swim cap, orange flowers and goggles. Losing the swim cap probably wouldn't have helped the image much, or my swimming abilities, for that matter.

And so...No shower cap for me.

Can I help you with that?

Yada Yada..I know I should be in bed. But I stayed up to watch National Treasure. I picked up the DVD when I was at the grocery tonight. Impulse buy. I saw it, I wanted it...so I got it. I went to see it in the theatre when it came out. I loved it. My favorite type of movies are the Indiana Jones-esque type. Full of mystery, action, steps, humor and just a hint of a love story, without getting all goopy. Although I have to say, that my favorite characters end up being the Techy guy that does most of the work. Brain work anyway. Got to love a guy that is smart. Nothing more attractive in my book. Well ok...tall and Dark hair doesn't hurt. Oh...and nice lips. And they have to smell good too. ;) Riley Poole (Justin Bartha), the character, does it just right. Especially when he is scoping out the wires in the Archives, with the cam on a stick. Yup. I kept thinking of ways to provide distraction.

*sigh*

I think I will go to bed on that thought.

Sweet dreams...

I lost something...

I should have had the wine. Sleep was elusive, to say the least.

I laid in bed till almost one. Tossing, and turning. My body was saying "Yes...please." But my mind was still amped from my day and voicing, quite loudly "Ummm No." I had all from my day go through my head, that of tomorrow and what I had said to someone a year ago. Thoughts of why I did that, what was I thinking etc. People danced through my thoughts, those I knew and those I didn't. Of events transpired and those not realized as yet. It was hard to turn it off last night. I tried thinking about my fantasy from earlier in the day. (I tend to take myself somewhere else when I am bogged down with work.) A little escape for my brain, all the while, busily working. I was in a car, barefeet planted on the dash, comfy jeans scrunched around my knees, and the warm dry wind whipped my face and made 50 lashes with my hair against my cheek. Loud music filled the car as the driver pressed on to nowhere. The landscape was lush but open and the sun beat down on the pavement. I wanted to be there. It was a feeling of freedom and enjoying the person that was with me. No worries, no commitments, just enjoying being alive and in the moment. It helped, I fell to sleep. But the morning came quickly at 5. Stupid alarm clock...it doesn't even have to go off.

So, another day. It will be good I am sure. Hope yours is too...

Same 'ol same 'ol

And so the Mayhem continues...

This time no one was hurt, however. Unless you count my sister Amy falling unexpectedly before I called her. She is sore, but ok. I seem to have that effect on people. Either before they deal with me or after. Just a warning... (sorry Amy)

Why did I call her? Please, let me ramble.

I had clients walk in at 5 to 5pm today. I knew they were coming actually, but had completely forgotten. I only knew after I remembered I had made the appointment with them, a week ago. It was even on my calendar. *good going Michelle* Anyway...I was rushing out the door to get to the bank because we had computer issues and I needed to get there before they closed. They showed up, my already set forgotten appointment, right on time. I handed the bank task off to my boss so I could tend to my prior engagement. The clock ticks and conversation leads to more complex matters. My beautiful daughters face pops in my head and I excuse myself to the back office. Crap! (I mouth quietly) I have 30 minutes to pick up my daughter. (I have this thing about making sure my daughter is picked up on time and taken care of. That she knows what is going on etc. When I was young, my adoptive parents would "forget" to pick me up all the time. They were busy with more important things. It left me feeling unimportant, alone and just plain scared sometimes. I will never be anything less than all I can be for Rach. Period, end of story) So, Think fast Michelle. First thought is my significant other. Oh but wait...I don't have one of those. Right, I am a single parent. (you have no idea how often this goes through my mind) Christine. Call Christine. (daughters best friends Mom) But, no answer at home and no answer on cell. Grr. Ok..then, Mom. I will call Mom. No..Mom is in Reno with Dad. Ok then, My little sis Sarah. Oh no...she is in California with Hubby. There is Debbie, but she lives 37 miles from here and wouldn't make it in 30 minutes (I, on the other hand...would. Yes, I have a lead foot) I have my sister Amy and sister-in-law Amy J. Hummm. They are both pretty busy with their own families and my sis, Amy, does daycare. I don't have much of a choice. I call my sister Amy. She agrees to get Rach for me and I do a little booty dance in my boss' office. Yes! I suppose I could have rushed my clients through their appointment. Tell them I had to go etc. But ya know, I am there to serve my clients needs and to put my own before theirs shows a lack of respect on my part. I am just not going to go there. Especially, when they have been recommended highly to me. My sis drops off Rachel at my office, I finish up the appointment, lock up and head for home. At this point, there is no time for dinner making (again, no one else at home to help with that) so I pick up something on the way. Plus, a few treats for my sisters family since she had gone through the trouble of helping me. I go by her home before getting to my own, only to find myself walking in on her and dinner company. Ugh. I didn't buy enough for everyone. I felt aweful and awkward. I quickly shoved them in her freezer, chit chatted and then fled home. Sweet, sweet home... (and no..I don't see those dishes in the kitchen sink)

There was more, before the appointment, but it all just seems like fluff at this point. My dinner sits on the kitchen counter. I find myself only desiring a huge glass of wine...or two, a shoulder rub and ya know, other stuff. But that would bring me back to the significant or really just "other" that doesn't exist. Told ya it went through my mind a lot.

All in all, it was a good day. Productive, for sure. I got those Gummy Bears, which might account for my not being hungry, and my boss promised a cup of coffee, on him, tomorrow morning.

Dance Tevye

Shhh! For some inexplicable reason I can access blogger and no, I am not at home. I am sure it is just a tease...but teasing is Oh so much fun.. ;)

And, My boss bought me a huge bag of Gummy Bears (favorite candy) from Mountain Man.

What an awesome day!

Aside

Funny how you can find yourself caring and worrying for someone that you have never met in person, talked to on the phone or even seen a picture of. You have no clue what their facial expression resemble, how the inflection in their voice might sound at any given moment, except for a brief reading of a poem, but yet hope and pray that they are doing well. You only know them through their blog, a few writings about thoughts, some humorous tidbits, and a couple casual emails and comments. I can only wonder if there is family resemblance through pictures posted of "Mikey". I guess it doesn't really matter. My hope and prayer is that his appointment goes well today. That answers and easy solution make themselves known.

All the best Tech.

Don't put them all in one

I had begun this post, today, about chickens...it began with:

"Finnish Chickens do best on a range. The birds are long-lived, cold-resistant, and lay well for years."

And then finished up with:

"When counting, try not to mix chickens with blessings."
- Unknown

I had a point. But it seemed rather mute. It is hard to let by-gones be by-gones when one of the "gones" is non-responsive. I am sure it is because he doesn't want anything to be read into it. Like he is a nice person and such. What else can there be? Seriously?

I tried to finish up a post I had started on months ago, as well. But to no avail. I just can't without getting all weird and emotional. I need to be able to do it from a more stoic place. I know placing the details and writing it out would help. It just isn't happening in a less than one sided way. It is hard to find reason in anothers actions when they, themselves, couldn't explain.

The intern is back. For about 12 weeks. He is nice, talkative etc. I think he will do well. I have to say, that I enjoy talking to him about his future plans. Exciting starting a new business and all. He wondered why someone like me doesn't have a boyfriend or significant other, whatever you would want to call it. He asked if I got out much etc. I said no. What am I supposed to do? Go hang out at bars? Umm no...not my style. He said "well what about church?" Umm no. Church is for my edification, not to find someone to fill my Saturday nights. I know of women that move from church to church hoping to find "that" guy. It is wrong in my book. And really kind of sad. He said..."Well you must have lots of single friends?" Umm that would be a no there too. They are All married. So he said "What about those internet personals sites." I just about keeled over with laughter. Go take a look at one of them...then go back and visit again in about 6 months. The same ones are still there. I equate them to bar flies. (apologies to anyone who is actually genuine) They are users and abusers just like the guys that can be easily picked up a Frank's Bottomless Bottle Bar. I speak from experience. Humiliating experience. Yes, I tried the online thing. As embarrassing as it is to admit. With scary results. Liars exist there more readily I might add. It is easier to sway someone with your words when you don't have to look them in the eye. I am at a loss with the "dating" thing.

Desperate and lonely do not find their way into my vocabulary. I tell people I am happy alone. I prefer being able to do as I want, when I want. It is a facade I have become accustom to maintaining. I am so strong don't ya know? Am I desperate, not in any way. I would rather be alone than with someone I don't love. But lonely...now there is one a bit tender.

Beads

Sometimes, I just want to disappear...
behind a door, or a curtain of color.







Where indecision is covered with completeness, and the world is only a place you read about in books.

Sugar Plums Dance...

The thunder and rain didn't find it's way just south of our city, like it did yesterday. I laid, curled with a book this afternoon while the tapping on my window pane quickened and slowed with the tempo of the storm. It was relaxing and I sunk into the story in my hands. I enjoy reading Janet Evanovich. Her character of Stephanie Plum gives me validation that a woman can be strong and vulnerable at the same time. Her thought patterns are hauntingly familiar. I find such connection in an easy and quick read.

Rachel came bouncing on my bed, asking me to make a batch of brownies (with the sole purpose of getting to lick the bowl afterwards) and asked if I had read the whole book just today? "Yep" I said.

Debbie called while I was in the middle. I didn't have much to say and she wondered what I was doing. "Reading" I said. She asked if I read the last page. "Yes" I said. I could only picture her rolling her eyes at the thought. I am one of those people that reads the last page before I continue with a book. I know...many don't agree with this. I chuckle when I hear or see someone else do this, cause I understand. For me, at least, if it ends with humor or happy connotations then it is something I want to see why with. I don't want to get through something I immerse myself in so completely only to be tormented with a sad or traumatic ending. I get too involved within the story and the sadness ultimately leaves me sad...too. Perhaps, it is a control issues...perhaps it is just wanting something good to happen even if it is just in a book.

The brownies are in the oven and the timer is set. I think I will go see where Stephanie goes next...

Self Portrait Sunday

Not exactly "self" portrait, Rachel took this one...