So, since I have become this loyal Battlestar Galactica fan. (really...I am.) Whatever I come across in relation to the show, I find myself drawn to reading. So...I thought I would share this little gem I found by way of another regular blog I read..
If I was On "Battlestar Galactica"
It is a great read...
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Right foot first
Rachel is a litle stressed about the whole middle school thing. She has been clingy, curious and very apprehensive. A bit different, since, normally, she is really excited about going back to school. (sorry about the phone conversation mom) I am not quite sure what to tell her except what it might be like and keep reinforcing the pro's about it all. Will it be different? Yeah...Will it be challenging? Yeah.. But it will bring a whole world of learning and experiences. And that is a good thing.
I got her to sit down with me and we talked about what fun we will have tomorrow. I am taking the day off a few hours early to go and pick up her school schedule and hit the stores for a serious round of shopping. She didn't seemed too thrilled. I said..."Uh..Hello? New clothes? New shoes? And you aren't excited? Sheesh...I know I am."
She is getting a little more relaxed about it. I don't want to minimize it at all and not validate her feelings, but I think she is stressing a little too hard about it all. And well ya know...cookies always help.
Trying again
My daughter and I had some interesting conversations last night. It consisted of what "regurgitation" means and how it is done (I completely grossed her out with my theatrics)...Her new "P.E. Uniform" (she, however, refers to it as a costume) and the fact that a couple of her dolls had been dismembered at her friends house. She came to her best friends home to find them strewn across the floor and hallway. A sad day for plastic. And, I tried to convince her to rub my shoulder that has had a pinched nerve for a few weeks now. It didn't happen. Ah well...
I ended up falling asleep next to her in bed, laughing.
On to another day...
I ended up falling asleep next to her in bed, laughing.
On to another day...
Monday, August 29, 2005
Sunday, August 28, 2005
ClearingHouse
DO you ever wish that certain people would just go away? Move. Leave town. Go to that place that they think might actually fit their ego. That, I am a big fish syndrome. I know it would be ok with me, if they did.
I saw Matt tonight. My daughter and I went to the Cascade Festival of Music. It has become our thing to do together. It was awesome as usual. But I had that weird sense of dread that I might see him. And so I did. With the girl he started going with when I was pregnant with his child. Of course, he didn't know it, the pregnancy, as I didnt' know it at the time, myself. I didn't know until I had lost it. I didn't even tell him then. Heck, I only told my mom not too long ago. It all seemed rather pointless. I was the one that felt it, the loss, the pain and the tears. So, why bother telling someone that didn't even think I was worth his time and effort and "chance". And why tell family when the whole thing seemed so foolish to begin with. "Yes, my family, not only did I let this person use me to get his needs met, but I let myself get pregnant too." (on birth control no less) He got together with her 2 days after being with me and telling me how he "was letting himself have feelings for me". I was so caught up in his drama, that I actually believed him. When at the time, that day, he knew he was traveling to go see this girl. Hedging his bet. Nice.
When I had told him of it (the miscarriage), some 3 months later, he had nothing to say. No "I am sorry.." no "It must have been hard for you to go through alone..." Nothing. He merely said "I don't know what to say..." (his theme statement) and "it must mean more to women than to men." Apparently. It was then that I realized how this person I had been in love with for so many years, had no compassion. He didn't know how to give, only take. No sense of remorse for the way he had treated me. He denied using me to get rid of his current girlfriend. But how would you see it? If he let this girl believe that we had been "together" when they were still "together" when the truth is that we weren't. Or so he had said to me... I doubt, now, the honesty of anything he said to me. How can I not? He is kinder to strangers than he was to me, someone he knew for several years. He made an apology in an email. Backhanded, as it was, the cowardess it possessed in email form, but an apology of sorts. He referred to me as a friend he let down. huh? A friend he let down? How about a woman that he used and treated with nothing but malice? He has never, yet, to this day, acknowledged the fact that I lost his child. He has never, once, acknowledged anything that transpired. Apologies are meaningless if the person giving it doesn't know what the apology is for. I don't expect him ever to do so. He is one of those people that feels victimized when someone expresses the hurt he has caused to them, as if the person that was hurt is the one that had done wrong. Amazing, the manipulation. He has benefitted from his actions with me. Which leads me to the "It's not fair" feeling. But what can I do...except be thankful that she, isn't me. He gives himself a lot of credit, but truly, it isn't merited. Sorry, but you aren't worth as much to me, anymore, as you think you are Matt. I see you as someone so completely pitiful and sad. And what goes around comes around. It truly does and it Will come back to you.
Don't take this post wrong. I am not upset, not sad, or even angry. I really just feel "matter of fact" about it all. It is what is was. I am not looking for sympathy. I am just writing it out. I don't want to go on about something that really is, so long ago. I just needed to write out some of the details that I tend to "leave out". I began, once, to write the whole thing down. But it was too raw at the time. And, it is better than going on about it to friends when they could really care less. It was a long time ago, just sometimes, the hurt still feels wet and the scar tissue takes up space in my head.
I don't know if I will ever have another "love" relationship. (I honestly don't think I have had one yet) I don't know if I will ever be able to fully trust someone. I truly do try. It isn't right to put my past on anyone else. I dont' wear past hurts like War metals on my sleeve. There is nothing more annoying than going on a date with someone and hearing how their last girlfriend did them wrong. All the things she did that he didn't like and how bad she hurt him. It isn't that I don't care, but how can I ever be confident that I am being viewed for who I am versus what the last person was to them? Make sense? I don't talk about this stuff when I am dating someone. Have I been hurt? Hell yeah. And it sucked and took me a long time to get over. But it isn't his responsibility to make it better or do it different. All I ever expect is for them to be who they are. And, sometimes, who they are, isn't what I want. Vice Verse I am sure...
Yeesh...
I saw Matt tonight. My daughter and I went to the Cascade Festival of Music. It has become our thing to do together. It was awesome as usual. But I had that weird sense of dread that I might see him. And so I did. With the girl he started going with when I was pregnant with his child. Of course, he didn't know it, the pregnancy, as I didnt' know it at the time, myself. I didn't know until I had lost it. I didn't even tell him then. Heck, I only told my mom not too long ago. It all seemed rather pointless. I was the one that felt it, the loss, the pain and the tears. So, why bother telling someone that didn't even think I was worth his time and effort and "chance". And why tell family when the whole thing seemed so foolish to begin with. "Yes, my family, not only did I let this person use me to get his needs met, but I let myself get pregnant too." (on birth control no less) He got together with her 2 days after being with me and telling me how he "was letting himself have feelings for me". I was so caught up in his drama, that I actually believed him. When at the time, that day, he knew he was traveling to go see this girl. Hedging his bet. Nice.
When I had told him of it (the miscarriage), some 3 months later, he had nothing to say. No "I am sorry.." no "It must have been hard for you to go through alone..." Nothing. He merely said "I don't know what to say..." (his theme statement) and "it must mean more to women than to men." Apparently. It was then that I realized how this person I had been in love with for so many years, had no compassion. He didn't know how to give, only take. No sense of remorse for the way he had treated me. He denied using me to get rid of his current girlfriend. But how would you see it? If he let this girl believe that we had been "together" when they were still "together" when the truth is that we weren't. Or so he had said to me... I doubt, now, the honesty of anything he said to me. How can I not? He is kinder to strangers than he was to me, someone he knew for several years. He made an apology in an email. Backhanded, as it was, the cowardess it possessed in email form, but an apology of sorts. He referred to me as a friend he let down. huh? A friend he let down? How about a woman that he used and treated with nothing but malice? He has never, yet, to this day, acknowledged the fact that I lost his child. He has never, once, acknowledged anything that transpired. Apologies are meaningless if the person giving it doesn't know what the apology is for. I don't expect him ever to do so. He is one of those people that feels victimized when someone expresses the hurt he has caused to them, as if the person that was hurt is the one that had done wrong. Amazing, the manipulation. He has benefitted from his actions with me. Which leads me to the "It's not fair" feeling. But what can I do...except be thankful that she, isn't me. He gives himself a lot of credit, but truly, it isn't merited. Sorry, but you aren't worth as much to me, anymore, as you think you are Matt. I see you as someone so completely pitiful and sad. And what goes around comes around. It truly does and it Will come back to you.
Don't take this post wrong. I am not upset, not sad, or even angry. I really just feel "matter of fact" about it all. It is what is was. I am not looking for sympathy. I am just writing it out. I don't want to go on about something that really is, so long ago. I just needed to write out some of the details that I tend to "leave out". I began, once, to write the whole thing down. But it was too raw at the time. And, it is better than going on about it to friends when they could really care less. It was a long time ago, just sometimes, the hurt still feels wet and the scar tissue takes up space in my head.
I don't know if I will ever have another "love" relationship. (I honestly don't think I have had one yet) I don't know if I will ever be able to fully trust someone. I truly do try. It isn't right to put my past on anyone else. I dont' wear past hurts like War metals on my sleeve. There is nothing more annoying than going on a date with someone and hearing how their last girlfriend did them wrong. All the things she did that he didn't like and how bad she hurt him. It isn't that I don't care, but how can I ever be confident that I am being viewed for who I am versus what the last person was to them? Make sense? I don't talk about this stuff when I am dating someone. Have I been hurt? Hell yeah. And it sucked and took me a long time to get over. But it isn't his responsibility to make it better or do it different. All I ever expect is for them to be who they are. And, sometimes, who they are, isn't what I want. Vice Verse I am sure...
Yeesh...
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Hollow cement blocks
I am struggling to write out stuff. I am tired, this week has been really busy, where work is concerned. Lots of thoughts going through my head about personal stuff and with this marketing project with a friend of mine. We need to get closer to our goal and I am having doubts about my abilities. Maybe not so much my abilities, but worries that my part isn't going to produce the kind of big results we hope to achieve. It has amazing potential and I don't want to be the one that is responsible for it not taking off as we would like. WHat if I didn't find the right contacts? What if I didn't send enough press releases? What if I make our press kit too controversial, wordy and not enough pop appeal? I don't want to piss off potential contributors. But then I go back to thinking that controversy sells, if the product is good it sells itself (Providing people know about it) and word of mouth is the best advertisment.
I tend to put myself in a place of fear and it holds me back. When, if I had just taken that step towards what scares me most, I would most likely find out it isn't as bad as the fear led me to believe. I guess I can only do my best and hope that it is good enough.
Good enough.
Now there's a statement.
I tend to put myself in a place of fear and it holds me back. When, if I had just taken that step towards what scares me most, I would most likely find out it isn't as bad as the fear led me to believe. I guess I can only do my best and hope that it is good enough.
Good enough.
Now there's a statement.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Sugar and Spice
I had a couple great photos with huge cheesy grins illuminating her face. But I like this one. This...is my baby.
She said she missed me bad. She hugged me and kissed me and told me about her trip. She had fun camping along the Columbia River. I am glad she had so much fun...but I am so glad she is home.
My friend Christine told me how delightful my daughter is, how fun she is, how much they love having her around and how she really needed some hugging while she was away. I twinged a bit when they said she felt needy for me, but I am happy for it too...
I feel so...Healthy
Either, I am getting more mature emotionally, or the cynicism is taking over. I think I have constructed a pretty sturdy wall, however. Maybe that is it. I should contact Home Depot...
I am not really that upset about seeing him with that other girl. I am fine with it, where I am concerned, for the most part. I was upset at first. But I think it was an honest reaction to seeing the guy that tells you how much he wants to be with you, laying on the couch with the other girl he apparently really wants to be with. I was already down and just wanted a neutral face to talk with and perhaps laugh with on Sunday. That's why I stopped by. It really didn't cross my mind that another girl would be there with him, like that.
In talking with him on the phone yesterday, he made me out to be bad for just stopping by without calling. Yes, I said, I could have called, but I honestly didn't think it was a big deal since you are always telling me to "stop by if I wanted to see you". This was only one of several contradictions he makes about himself on a daily basis. (Not to mention that he is an expert manipulator of conversation. Ya know...turn it around on you.) He says he doesn't want a "relationship" where he is the only one the girl is with, It is too much pressure, but yet he states that he "hasn't found the one" yet. Huh? How can you know if a girl is "the one" if you don't even give her the respect and time to get to know her in a one on one relationship? He said he wants to be with me even though he is, physically, with another woman. If that was ok with me, of course. Oh...How Considerate. NOT. Consideration is not being with the other woman at all. I was very calm in the conversation. No drama...no emotion, just really matter of fact. I just had questions.
Anyway, it is fine. I still feel sort of sad for him. (not in the "oh I need to take of him and show him the way" co-dependent way either. More of a "I pity the fool" way) I think people like him miss out on the most simple of beauties in this world, because they lack the ability to feel.
I want someone that is capable of feeling my touch and the meaning behind it, of feeling the way I look at him when I desire him and of feeling the meaning of my words when I tell him how much I care. And, I want to be able to feel it back.
I am not really that upset about seeing him with that other girl. I am fine with it, where I am concerned, for the most part. I was upset at first. But I think it was an honest reaction to seeing the guy that tells you how much he wants to be with you, laying on the couch with the other girl he apparently really wants to be with. I was already down and just wanted a neutral face to talk with and perhaps laugh with on Sunday. That's why I stopped by. It really didn't cross my mind that another girl would be there with him, like that.
In talking with him on the phone yesterday, he made me out to be bad for just stopping by without calling. Yes, I said, I could have called, but I honestly didn't think it was a big deal since you are always telling me to "stop by if I wanted to see you". This was only one of several contradictions he makes about himself on a daily basis. (Not to mention that he is an expert manipulator of conversation. Ya know...turn it around on you.) He says he doesn't want a "relationship" where he is the only one the girl is with, It is too much pressure, but yet he states that he "hasn't found the one" yet. Huh? How can you know if a girl is "the one" if you don't even give her the respect and time to get to know her in a one on one relationship? He said he wants to be with me even though he is, physically, with another woman. If that was ok with me, of course. Oh...How Considerate. NOT. Consideration is not being with the other woman at all. I was very calm in the conversation. No drama...no emotion, just really matter of fact. I just had questions.
Anyway, it is fine. I still feel sort of sad for him. (not in the "oh I need to take of him and show him the way" co-dependent way either. More of a "I pity the fool" way) I think people like him miss out on the most simple of beauties in this world, because they lack the ability to feel.
I want someone that is capable of feeling my touch and the meaning behind it, of feeling the way I look at him when I desire him and of feeling the meaning of my words when I tell him how much I care. And, I want to be able to feel it back.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Capital T
I meant to write tonight. But got caught up editing this or that...
Today was good. I was busier than busy. The phone was a crazed salesman desperate to make goal. I was glad though. No one yelled at me, a few complained about Noggin', which somehow brings me pleasure of the most evil kind, and I got the best phone call of all. My Rachel.
She just wanted to hear my voice. We chatted for a good 20 minutes. (Apologies, now, to Christine for her cell phone bill this month.) But I was so excited when I answered the phone and it was her... "Hi Mama!" Oooo I gleed and hem'd and haw'd. My baby girl.
I can't wait to see that face graced with Angels' kisses.
I hung out with the Mom tonight. Golly that woman makes me laugh. So much fun. And really Mom, spending time with you, like that, is better than anything you could have bought me. I had a great time...XOXO to you!
Today was good. I was busier than busy. The phone was a crazed salesman desperate to make goal. I was glad though. No one yelled at me, a few complained about Noggin', which somehow brings me pleasure of the most evil kind, and I got the best phone call of all. My Rachel.
She just wanted to hear my voice. We chatted for a good 20 minutes. (Apologies, now, to Christine for her cell phone bill this month.) But I was so excited when I answered the phone and it was her... "Hi Mama!" Oooo I gleed and hem'd and haw'd. My baby girl.
I can't wait to see that face graced with Angels' kisses.
I hung out with the Mom tonight. Golly that woman makes me laugh. So much fun. And really Mom, spending time with you, like that, is better than anything you could have bought me. I had a great time...XOXO to you!
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Down the stairs
I wasn't going to post. I wasn't going to write anything on here and I thought, for maybe a long time. But I am sitting here in this quiet house. There is only so much surfing one can stomach and the TV doesn't work for me. I make really stupid choices sometimes. And then, I pay the price, feel sorry for being such an idiot again. It just keeps circulating these past couple years, well actually I guess more than that if you think about it, and I still let myself get caught in the crap. What is with that? You would think I would have wised up by now. Am I so lonely and (I can't believe I am saying this) desperate that I take a risk that isn't even a risk but a given?
I have a lot on my plate that I am trying to resolve. With finances, work and my ever messed up personal life. I didn't need to see what I saw today. Did the Lord really think it was something I could handle dealing with right now? Apparently so. Cause there it was. And for whatever reason I took the drive up his street and stopped at his house. I was meant to see it. The little flip flops on the entry and their two heads bob up as I stood in the doorway. They looked really cozy laying together on the couch, arms around each other. There is nothing wrong (to him) with how he lives his life. And truly, there is nothing I can say about it. It isn't like I didn't know he had "other" girls he talked to. Talked to. But again, that is my stupidity for believing. And for letting him...with me.
Anyway, I am thinking God pushed me a little to far this time.
I have a lot on my plate that I am trying to resolve. With finances, work and my ever messed up personal life. I didn't need to see what I saw today. Did the Lord really think it was something I could handle dealing with right now? Apparently so. Cause there it was. And for whatever reason I took the drive up his street and stopped at his house. I was meant to see it. The little flip flops on the entry and their two heads bob up as I stood in the doorway. They looked really cozy laying together on the couch, arms around each other. There is nothing wrong (to him) with how he lives his life. And truly, there is nothing I can say about it. It isn't like I didn't know he had "other" girls he talked to. Talked to. But again, that is my stupidity for believing. And for letting him...with me.
Anyway, I am thinking God pushed me a little to far this time.
Fairies
Ok...I added, yet another, new link. I made myself a Photoblog. Kinda fun...kinda cool...but just the same ole photos. pixeldust Go ahead...click it. Please? Please?... And tell what you think.
Why did I do this? For the heck of it really. And, it is free for thirty days. If I like it and get a good response, I will keep it. I have spent pretty much the entire day and was up until 4am playing with it and uploading photos. I couldn't sleep.
My daughter left today for a 3 day camping trip with her best friends family. The last "Booyah!" before school is back in session. I worry something aweful when I am not with her and so the sleep stayed away. She will have fun. I prayed for Angels around every part of her sweet little body.
She comes home Tuesday...
Why did I do this? For the heck of it really. And, it is free for thirty days. If I like it and get a good response, I will keep it. I have spent pretty much the entire day and was up until 4am playing with it and uploading photos. I couldn't sleep.
My daughter left today for a 3 day camping trip with her best friends family. The last "Booyah!" before school is back in session. I worry something aweful when I am not with her and so the sleep stayed away. She will have fun. I prayed for Angels around every part of her sweet little body.
She comes home Tuesday...
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Doughnuts
I have been avoiding posting. 'Cause the thing that is on my mind is something I promised I wouldn't talk or write about. It needs to be private and I have to respect that. I am not so sure why this particular thing is meaning so much to me, other than that I am weird, except that for when it was my turn, I didn't get any "talks" or explaination of what was going on. So, now I am trying to do it ten fold or something. I dunno. It is just another step in my daughters development, part of her maturity and becoming what I wish would slow down, just a little.
It is the weekend...and I am thankful.
It is the weekend...and I am thankful.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Tropical
I put the little linkydo at the bottom of my right column. Some awesome pictures there...it is worth checking out.
Anyway, this weeks was theme was Tropical. I guess this one does it for me. My first thought was to take a picture of beads of sweat. But that would mean getting sweaty. My hair frizzes when I do that. Then I thought, Rachel, but I felt sort of mean by asking my daughter to go get herself all worked up and sweaty so I can take a picture of her. It wouldn't go over well with a hormonal pre-teen I am sure. Then, I thought, well...I could go to a gym and take a picture of someone there. "Hey Mr. Muscle man?" "Mind if I take a picture of your hot sweaty buldging muscles? Please...come a little closer while I adjust my macro. Closer. And please remove your shirt." Yes it sounded good...but not really realistic. So I drew from what I already had.
I think it works...
Certainty Underneath
I found some cool Photo sites today. And I am thinking about joining the Lensday.com "group". I am not big on groups though. I usually steer clear of being lumped in as being one set type of person. I don't follow the crowd. (I am the one that tends to try the side road to see where it goes.) It is not my thing. Even locally. Several sites devoted to Bend blogging. Not me. No thanks...I prefer the anonymity, locally. They are great and include some good people I am sure (and one or maybe two I could do without EVER hearing about. Vice Verse I am sure) and I am sure they have some great networking blah blah going on. Fabulous. Really.
Anyway, The photo thingy. I think I am going to start submitting. Why not? My pictures aren't so bad and who knows? I am sure that, maybe, I will get some pointers and bit of experience.
Claire Kramer Photography is one that I found today, that I am digging, big time. Awesome Pictures with interesting captions. I am sure, you will like it.
Anyway, The photo thingy. I think I am going to start submitting. Why not? My pictures aren't so bad and who knows? I am sure that, maybe, I will get some pointers and bit of experience.
Claire Kramer Photography is one that I found today, that I am digging, big time. Awesome Pictures with interesting captions. I am sure, you will like it.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Lights
And then after you have such desperate sounding notions, someone does something that erases all the gloom of your day and makes you feel kinda special....
I want my Ladybugs
I have often thought about having someone over. Not that he hasn't come over before. But more than just what it has been. I have often thought about asking him to just pretend. Just pretend that I am that girl you would do anything for. Just pretend and be with me the way you would be with her. Just for one night. Just for a few moments and then you can be gone again. Don't tell me who you are thinking of...don't tell me who you are pretending for me to be...just treat me that way. Make me feel like I am loved, wanted and that I am cared for even just for one night or a few hours. Tell me you think I am pretty, that I am the girl for you and you have never felt this way before. I won't take it to heart. It is just pretend, like playing a game of house.
And then we can act like nothing again.
How sad is that? I couldn't do it. I couldn't cheapen or erase my own value for a few moments of fantasy.
But, sometimes, I feel like I could.
It is just a thought. I know I talk about wanting what I fear the most. And that fear stems from what has hurt me the most thus far. I know I think about things that aren't realistic or good for me. I know I should be patient etc... But after being single for so long, patience has really just turned into a knowing that I can't have what I want. For, whatever reason the Good Lord has.
I am just having a moment of my own. You know...you have seen it before. It iwll go away soon...
And then we can act like nothing again.
How sad is that? I couldn't do it. I couldn't cheapen or erase my own value for a few moments of fantasy.
But, sometimes, I feel like I could.
It is just a thought. I know I talk about wanting what I fear the most. And that fear stems from what has hurt me the most thus far. I know I think about things that aren't realistic or good for me. I know I should be patient etc... But after being single for so long, patience has really just turned into a knowing that I can't have what I want. For, whatever reason the Good Lord has.
I am just having a moment of my own. You know...you have seen it before. It iwll go away soon...
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Working Whistles
It is funny how the Internet can make one feel that the world is so small, when you talk with those in which you connect. But yet at the same time, make you realize just how large it is. Those that you may connect with are so far away. Miles and mountains, time and money stand in your way when it would be really great to truly meet them or be able to hang out in the old fashioned sense. Those that you just know would be great friends and those that you may hold a secret crush for.
I had a nice little get together with the Fam tonight for my Birthday. It was nice and my sister makes an awesome Hershey cake. I think it is still sinking in that I am 37. 37...37.
Yeesh.
I am 37.
Can women at 37 still have Knights in Shining Armour (or just a really nice pair of chinos) ride up on a white horse bare back? (yes, he would be bare back too ;) And would I still be considered a Maiden? Or would I now be considered a wench? All used up and stuff. I still want someone to sweep me off my feet. I will even give him a little help. I got this cart that has wheels on it.
*sigh* 37.
I am trying to look at it from a more positive stance. I still have 3 years left till 40. And, they say 40 is the new 30. Whatever that means.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Reverse Psychology
Yeesh.
She tried on tons of stuff and dang me if she didn't look cute and way to grown up for my liking. I was actually going to buy the stuff to the tune of about $200 smackers for like 3 outfits. (3 pairs of nice popular jeans will set you back about $100 on their own and none of this included shoes.) But, the store we were shopping at, didn't have layaway anymore. Figures. She was bummed, cause by the time I can get all this for her we risk it being gone. But, such is the way of a single parent income. I did get her the really cool Messenger Bag (packbacks are out of style didn't you know?) that she has been drooling over and one new top.
I am lucky to have a daughter that is really thankful for whatever I can get her. She doesn't whine, she doesn't cry and doesn't get angry when I have to say "Not right now honey." I think I feel worse than her, actually.
I wanna go back...
My daughter and I hit the aquarium before we left town...and I contemplated staying, just one more day.
Friday, August 12, 2005
On this day in...
1624
Cardinal Richelieu was named chief minister of France by king Louis XIII.
1851
Issac Singer patented the sewing machine.
1865
British surgeon Joseph Lister became the first doctor to use an antiseptic during surgery.
1898
A peace protocol ending the Spanish-American War was signed.
1898
Hawaii was formally annexed to the United States.
1968
Michelle was born. Hey...I feel pretty proud to be sharing this Birthday with the Patenting of the Sewing Machine....
1972
The last American combat troops left Vietnam.
1985
In the world's worst single-aircraft disaster, a Japan Air Lines 747 crashed into Mount Osutaka, killing 520 of the 524 aboard.
1998
Swiss banks agreed to pay $1.25 billion to settle lawsuits brought by Holocaust survivors and their heirs. The banks had kept millions of dollars deposited by Holocaust victims before and during World War II.
2000
The Russian military submarine, Kursk, and its crew were lost in the Barents Sea.
2004
N.J. governor James McGreevey announced his resignation.
I am working a couple hours this morning, and then me and Rachel are off for our little adventure. I can't wait to be there. To be smelling the ocean air, hearing the waves and feeling the cool breeze. The Oregon coast is amazing. I grew up in Southern California and the coast there is so commercial and littered. Not here. No, it is natural, rough and seemingly untouched. It is gorgeous.
Pray for little Angels around our car as we make our five hour drive this afternoon.
Have an awesome weekend!
Cardinal Richelieu was named chief minister of France by king Louis XIII.
1851
Issac Singer patented the sewing machine.
1865
British surgeon Joseph Lister became the first doctor to use an antiseptic during surgery.
1898
A peace protocol ending the Spanish-American War was signed.
1898
Hawaii was formally annexed to the United States.
1968
Michelle was born. Hey...I feel pretty proud to be sharing this Birthday with the Patenting of the Sewing Machine....
1972
The last American combat troops left Vietnam.
1985
In the world's worst single-aircraft disaster, a Japan Air Lines 747 crashed into Mount Osutaka, killing 520 of the 524 aboard.
1998
Swiss banks agreed to pay $1.25 billion to settle lawsuits brought by Holocaust survivors and their heirs. The banks had kept millions of dollars deposited by Holocaust victims before and during World War II.
2000
The Russian military submarine, Kursk, and its crew were lost in the Barents Sea.
2004
N.J. governor James McGreevey announced his resignation.
I am working a couple hours this morning, and then me and Rachel are off for our little adventure. I can't wait to be there. To be smelling the ocean air, hearing the waves and feeling the cool breeze. The Oregon coast is amazing. I grew up in Southern California and the coast there is so commercial and littered. Not here. No, it is natural, rough and seemingly untouched. It is gorgeous.
Pray for little Angels around our car as we make our five hour drive this afternoon.
Have an awesome weekend!
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Unbreakable Bubbles...
Heehee...
Ok, so I also got a new outfit. A pretty and crisp white linen top and some Henstooth capri's. Ya got to have a new outfit, ya know. ;) And, well...Rachel got a couple too. But dang me if the sundresses I got her don't make her look 15. Yeesh. I just can't handle it.
Oh and I have come to the determination that it must be Brad Paisley that graces my dreams every now and again. He is tall...dark hair...dark eyes...and smokin'. Whew...
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
One more day...
Conversations with Rachel
On the phone...no less
Her: "Hey Mom!"
Me: "Hi Sweet pea!"
Her: "What ya doin'?"
Me: "Uh...working. Are you having fun today?"
Her: "Yeah. It is ok. We went swimming in their new ice cold pool for like an hour and a half. I want my sweatshirt." (her sweatshirt is the new equivilant of her Deedee.)
Me: "So what did you get me for my birthday?" (I am completely kidding, of course)
Her: *sigh* "The last time I got you something it broke. Well, I guess I broke it cause I set it too hard on Grandmas table."
Me: "Yeah, but I could tell it was really pretty and I would have loved it."
Her: "Mom..." very monotoned and with hint of sarcasm...
Me: "Yeah?"
Her: "It was a glass. From the Dollar store."
Me: "Yeah, but it was hand painted and looked like it would have been beautiful. Besides, it came from you."
Her: "Yeah...ok...Whatever."
Me: "Alrighty then. Are you wanting to spend the night with Lindsey?"
Her: "I guess."
Me: "When her mom calls to ask me, do you want me to say No?"
Her: *giggles* "It's ok Mom...."
Our conversation went on for like another ten minutes or so. She talked about "stuff" and told me how certain "things" just Suck. It is funny to me to have these kinds of conversations with her. But I have to say it is fun.
On the phone...no less
Her: "Hey Mom!"
Me: "Hi Sweet pea!"
Her: "What ya doin'?"
Me: "Uh...working. Are you having fun today?"
Her: "Yeah. It is ok. We went swimming in their new ice cold pool for like an hour and a half. I want my sweatshirt." (her sweatshirt is the new equivilant of her Deedee.)
Me: "So what did you get me for my birthday?" (I am completely kidding, of course)
Her: *sigh* "The last time I got you something it broke. Well, I guess I broke it cause I set it too hard on Grandmas table."
Me: "Yeah, but I could tell it was really pretty and I would have loved it."
Her: "Mom..." very monotoned and with hint of sarcasm...
Me: "Yeah?"
Her: "It was a glass. From the Dollar store."
Me: "Yeah, but it was hand painted and looked like it would have been beautiful. Besides, it came from you."
Her: "Yeah...ok...Whatever."
Me: "Alrighty then. Are you wanting to spend the night with Lindsey?"
Her: "I guess."
Me: "When her mom calls to ask me, do you want me to say No?"
Her: *giggles* "It's ok Mom...."
Our conversation went on for like another ten minutes or so. She talked about "stuff" and told me how certain "things" just Suck. It is funny to me to have these kinds of conversations with her. But I have to say it is fun.
Hump Day
Yeah...ok...I know. It is just a TV show. I think I said that didn't I? But I am one of those people that get caught in others' emotions. Even TV shows and/or movies. You will see me cry at the movie theatre. I know...I am wacked. Anyway, it only happens when I can relate, mostly.
Today is Wednesday. Two days counting down until I can get my homely butt out of town and to the Beach! Tomorrow I have to take a Continuing Education class, which some would look at as a bad thing. But me? No no...it is another day that I don't have to be around Noggin'. :P
Today is Wednesday. Two days counting down until I can get my homely butt out of town and to the Beach! Tomorrow I have to take a Continuing Education class, which some would look at as a bad thing. But me? No no...it is another day that I don't have to be around Noggin'. :P
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
I don't watch TV
So I just finished a Gilmore Girls marathon. Damn Luke. Jerk. Here Lorelei and he have been having this secret wayward crush on each other for years. Hints here and there and then finally...finally they get together. Which everyone in town thinks should have happened a long time ago, and what happens? A little drama and his words are "I don't think I can do this relationship. It is just too much." Too much??? What the hell is that? The same cop out loser mentality that most men have these days. I thought more of him. I thought wow...here is this guy, so honest, so real. Who gives a rip that he runs a diner, money isn't important. So he is a littel scraggly under the collar, looks aren't important. The important thing was that he genuinly cared for Lorelei. And here I thought she was the dumb one for waiting so long to get it going with Luke. I was wrong. He is the idiot. So typical. So what now? He is going to find some girl to shack up with and call a "blessing" upon his life? Asshole.
I know, it is just a TV show. But I cried. I cried because I knew how Lorelei felt when she told him she understood. She heard what he said when he said he was out. That it was fine, she was fine and she would be the strong woman and not let it make her weak. He just walked away. So typical.
I wanna know where that guy is? Damn it. Where is the guy that sticks with it because he cares. Truly does and it's not conditional upon the climate of the moment. I dont' think it exists. It is just a fantasy.
And frankly, my fantasies have been a hell of a lot better than any reality I have known. And, please, don't tell me, yet again, that I need patience. 'Cause at this moment, I am not feeling like I have much left.
I know, it is just a TV show. But I cried. I cried because I knew how Lorelei felt when she told him she understood. She heard what he said when he said he was out. That it was fine, she was fine and she would be the strong woman and not let it make her weak. He just walked away. So typical.
I wanna know where that guy is? Damn it. Where is the guy that sticks with it because he cares. Truly does and it's not conditional upon the climate of the moment. I dont' think it exists. It is just a fantasy.
And frankly, my fantasies have been a hell of a lot better than any reality I have known. And, please, don't tell me, yet again, that I need patience. 'Cause at this moment, I am not feeling like I have much left.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Affirmations
I can see wealth in her being even though my bank account says otherwise.
I can see hope in my future with the peek in her eye.
I can feel love when I am lonely with the pout of her lips.
That little bit of string she has clutched in her hand and against her cheek? Her receiving blanket when she was a baby. It is her "Deedee". It hardly resembles anything close to a blanket, or even that it, once, was one. I still think it sweet that she finds comfort in snuggling it. I am in no hurry for her to "grow up".
...
There is something wrong with my brain today. I am distracted. I have gotten a lot done, stuff processed and paper work passed. But I am distracted. I keep finding myself lost in complete thought on a particular subject or fantasy to the point of not even being able to see what is in front of me. I sound weird huh? But it is true. I find my eyes burning with desire for whatever it is I am thinking upon. I really need to get away. Did I tell you I was going to the coast? Do you need me to shut up about that now? Sorry...you'll have to suffer through until it's fruition. :P
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Counting the days
Today was a busy day of cleaning. My home...the office (Noggin' is a bit...umm...messy) and my yard. I don't feel that I got as much accomplished as I would have liked, but I am hoping to get the rest round up by the end of the week. Next weekend, is my coast trip. I will be in South Beach, Oregon (just south of Newport). I am so excited. Have I told you I was going to the beach? :p I am going to the beach. Oh, and I will NOT be forgetting my camera.
In the red
Did you see all the photos I posted from the Fair yesterday? No? Oh...
Well that would be because there isn't any! I flipping forgot my camera. F.o.r.g.o.t it. I drive myself nuts when I do stuff like that. I was smacking my forehead the whole drive to the fairgrounds and then everytime I saw something I wanted to snap.
The fair was fun, again. I can go, without, for another year, no problem. So can my pocketbook.
Well that would be because there isn't any! I flipping forgot my camera. F.o.r.g.o.t it. I drive myself nuts when I do stuff like that. I was smacking my forehead the whole drive to the fairgrounds and then everytime I saw something I wanted to snap.
The fair was fun, again. I can go, without, for another year, no problem. So can my pocketbook.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Notches
The fair was fun. J is a nice guy and was very much a gentleman. He thanked me for not standing him up (?) and when I left to go pick up my daughter, I told him I would talk to him later. He said "Really?!?". Hmmm.
I enjoy his company, but, for me, it really is just a friendship. Part of it is the age difference and part of it is that we have different interests. (He likes Nascar and wrestling, and I like Theatre and Symphonies. Although, I would try (almost) anything once. I think attending a car race and such would be fun, but there is a lot more out there too. The highlight of his evening, was that he got to take his picture with a bonafide stock car. Dont get me wrong, I am glad he was so excited. I really do get enjoyment when someone I am with, is finding it themselves. I kept finding myself, though, wishing I had my camera. The silouette of Mt. Washington against the hot orange summer sky would have been pretty to capture or the lights of the rides speeding past and the sticky faces of children.) We actually are 10 years apart. I don't have a problem dating men that are older than me, in fact, I prefer it, but it feels odd when I am the older, more experienced one. (Not that age dictates experience or even, maturity) Anyway, I am glad to have spent the time with him and would probably do it again.
Tonight, I get to take my daughter to the fair. Hopefully, I won't come home with a pet chicken .... er something.
I enjoy his company, but, for me, it really is just a friendship. Part of it is the age difference and part of it is that we have different interests. (He likes Nascar and wrestling, and I like Theatre and Symphonies. Although, I would try (almost) anything once. I think attending a car race and such would be fun, but there is a lot more out there too. The highlight of his evening, was that he got to take his picture with a bonafide stock car. Dont get me wrong, I am glad he was so excited. I really do get enjoyment when someone I am with, is finding it themselves. I kept finding myself, though, wishing I had my camera. The silouette of Mt. Washington against the hot orange summer sky would have been pretty to capture or the lights of the rides speeding past and the sticky faces of children.) We actually are 10 years apart. I don't have a problem dating men that are older than me, in fact, I prefer it, but it feels odd when I am the older, more experienced one. (Not that age dictates experience or even, maturity) Anyway, I am glad to have spent the time with him and would probably do it again.
Tonight, I get to take my daughter to the fair. Hopefully, I won't come home with a pet chicken .... er something.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Miss. Clotille Thibideaux
Running Home
Heehee...It's Friday.
Why is it that we do things we know aren't good for us? (Although, the Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookies and Cream is now my favorite flavor. Ok, aside from Dublin Mudslide) We know the ramifications, we know how we are going to feel the next day, week and however long you let it go on, but we do it anyway. I went to bed at 10pm last night. I made myself do it. Oh yeah...I woke up a couple times, but I didn't get up and didn't distract myself with thought. I just went back to sleep and am so glad I did. I have always been a person that needed sleep. But as I have grown older, find myself getting less and less of it. I feel good this morning. I even got a few things accomplished before I get ready for work. And my feet look great! For those of you who have been suffering a water shortage, that would be because Michelle has been hoarding it all in her ankles. Yes, I am the culprite. My apologies and you can certainly have it back. (ew)
I am starting to think that the cause of some of my issues, may be because I just don't get enough rest. My body needs a break...it is getting older. *whimper*
Why is it that we do things we know aren't good for us? (Although, the Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookies and Cream is now my favorite flavor. Ok, aside from Dublin Mudslide) We know the ramifications, we know how we are going to feel the next day, week and however long you let it go on, but we do it anyway. I went to bed at 10pm last night. I made myself do it. Oh yeah...I woke up a couple times, but I didn't get up and didn't distract myself with thought. I just went back to sleep and am so glad I did. I have always been a person that needed sleep. But as I have grown older, find myself getting less and less of it. I feel good this morning. I even got a few things accomplished before I get ready for work. And my feet look great! For those of you who have been suffering a water shortage, that would be because Michelle has been hoarding it all in her ankles. Yes, I am the culprite. My apologies and you can certainly have it back. (ew)
I am starting to think that the cause of some of my issues, may be because I just don't get enough rest. My body needs a break...it is getting older. *whimper*
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Home Stretch
Did I mention that I am going to the beach? I am going to the beach. Ya know...the ocean? The Oregon Coast? The very thing I have been drooling (needing a bucket under my chin) over wanting to do? Did I mention that?
It is Thursday. I am so happy for that. Cause that means tomorrow is Friday. Another weekend cometh. Hot dog. I have to say that it has been so busy this week at work, that the days have been flying by. And, I am trying to get more sleep at night, other than my usual 4 hours, to keep me going for the next round about the clock. The sleep helps my health too. It has been waning of late.
Ok...since it is taking me all day to write this post, it is actually 2:15 in the PM, I am going to update on my recent daily events. See, I have this client. He was having a rough time of it this last year. Divorce, becoming a single parent etc... All of which I understand the difficulties of and so we talk every couple months or so. So we were chatting on the phone and he asked if I was going to go to the County Fair this weekend...I said "yeah..most likely at some point." He said "Well, do you have someone to go with?" "Ummm not really, if you mean like a guy or something." He said "You don't???" really surprised like... I said "Come on J, you know what it is like being a single parent, who says you get to have a social life too?" He said "You want to go with me?" I about fell over in my chair. Ok, No one ever asks me out. I always figured, not only because of my looks, but because I have been told that I am un approachable. Which I don't get...apparently I come off as too confident or something. Whatever...usually I am rushing past trying not to get noticed.
So, now I am going to the Fair with one of my clients. Yeesh.
Oh and did I mention that I am going to the beach?
It is Thursday. I am so happy for that. Cause that means tomorrow is Friday. Another weekend cometh. Hot dog. I have to say that it has been so busy this week at work, that the days have been flying by. And, I am trying to get more sleep at night, other than my usual 4 hours, to keep me going for the next round about the clock. The sleep helps my health too. It has been waning of late.
Ok...since it is taking me all day to write this post, it is actually 2:15 in the PM, I am going to update on my recent daily events. See, I have this client. He was having a rough time of it this last year. Divorce, becoming a single parent etc... All of which I understand the difficulties of and so we talk every couple months or so. So we were chatting on the phone and he asked if I was going to go to the County Fair this weekend...I said "yeah..most likely at some point." He said "Well, do you have someone to go with?" "Ummm not really, if you mean like a guy or something." He said "You don't???" really surprised like... I said "Come on J, you know what it is like being a single parent, who says you get to have a social life too?" He said "You want to go with me?" I about fell over in my chair. Ok, No one ever asks me out. I always figured, not only because of my looks, but because I have been told that I am un approachable. Which I don't get...apparently I come off as too confident or something. Whatever...usually I am rushing past trying not to get noticed.
So, now I am going to the Fair with one of my clients. Yeesh.
Oh and did I mention that I am going to the beach?
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Ponderment
Can something be referred to as a Blessing when said "Blessing" is achieved through malice and hurt to others?
Somehow...I don't think so. I suppose they tell themselves stuff (ya know, lies?) in order to feel better about themselves. But hey? How else to get through everyday...
Heh.
Somehow...I don't think so. I suppose they tell themselves stuff (ya know, lies?) in order to feel better about themselves. But hey? How else to get through everyday...
Heh.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
A moment
Conversations with Rachel
Her: "Welp, It's bedtime."
Me: "Ok, put your shoes on."
Her: "What? I am going to bed."
Me: "Yeah, ok, but you can't go without your shoes."
Her: "MooOm, Where are we going...?"
Me: "Duh! Dairy Queen."
Ok it is a lot funnier after you watch the movie 13 Going on 30. She made fun of the fact that I actually used to dress like that, talk like that and wear hot pink lipstick. It was cool...once.
Mark Ruffalo has nice lips by the way. Yeesh.
This week is turning out to be a busy one. Work is crazy, Noggin' is downright irritating (between you and me...I think she may be having some hormonal issues) I offered her some vitamin B Stress Complex but she just sort of stared at me, blankly.
On the brighter side of life....I finally get to go to the beach. I cannot even tell you how flipping excited I am. Teehee!
Her: "Welp, It's bedtime."
Me: "Ok, put your shoes on."
Her: "What? I am going to bed."
Me: "Yeah, ok, but you can't go without your shoes."
Her: "MooOm, Where are we going...?"
Me: "Duh! Dairy Queen."
Ok it is a lot funnier after you watch the movie 13 Going on 30. She made fun of the fact that I actually used to dress like that, talk like that and wear hot pink lipstick. It was cool...once.
Mark Ruffalo has nice lips by the way. Yeesh.
This week is turning out to be a busy one. Work is crazy, Noggin' is downright irritating (between you and me...I think she may be having some hormonal issues) I offered her some vitamin B Stress Complex but she just sort of stared at me, blankly.
On the brighter side of life....I finally get to go to the beach. I cannot even tell you how flipping excited I am. Teehee!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)