My daughter was "Haunted" last night. You might ask...or most likely will...What in the world is that? Well it is a really cute idea, and it brings the gift of giving and thought to a mostly "all about me" holiday. I like it, and I think we will start the chain next year...

It goes like this:

This is the time for goblins and bats
Halloween spirits and ghosts and cats
Weird happenings and witchs' brew
These are the things I wish for you

May the only spirit you chance to meet
Be the spirit of love and warm friends sweet
May the only goblin that comes your way
Be the local phantom that you'll want to give away

So by tomorrow pick the three friends sweet
And give them each a Halloween treat
You only have one day, so hurry!
Leave that treat on the door step, and then flee in a flurry

Now this is what you'll need to do..
1. Make three copies of this letter and a copy of the phantom ghost for each
2. Post the Phantom on your door to ward off returning ghosts.
3. Take your letters, phantoms and treats to homes that don't have the Phantom posted.

'Tis better giving than receiving
We all know this to be true
Show your love to all the world and remember
Now the Phantom is you!

Well, then we need to go get dressed to fulfill our part in this sharing. And if you read this and you are haunted? Teehee...you didnt' hear it from me.

Witchy-poo

Yes...my daughter is even beautiful dressed as a witch. Tonight is her first "Dance". Not just any dance, she has done the school social, but this is a Night Dance. From six to eight pm they will dance their butts off, laugh, eat and at the end, a huge net full of candy drops from the ceiling and the mayhem ensues.

I hope she has fun...

Medium Well

It was a good lunch. He is a very nice man. I talked with Christine and she had told me that he felt as uncomfortable with the age difference as I. I was a bit relieved to hear that. And I guess he mentioned how young I looked. :) How can you not like that for a compliment? Anyway, I appreciate the time he took to spend time with me and share some of his life. He talked mostly about hunting and such, which I didn't have much to add to that conversation, but he did talk a bit about his mother. When he walked me to my car, he told me how his father passed away when he was ten and how his mother raised both he and his brother on her own. He said he had immense respect for me and what I do on a daily basis. It was nice to hear. If I was closer to his age or he to mine, then I could consider more. But it was good nonetheless. I am glad I went.

Autumn is in its thick, the nights are cold and the days make you stand up and take notice. I love it!

At a loss

Christine calls me up and says..."Hey I know this guy. I work with him. He is a little older than you but he is a nice Christian man." I think...great. I am now being set up by my friends. Ok. I ask how much older he is. She says "Oh 50.." And she says it with that linguering. One that insinuates "Around 50...somewhere." I am ok with somewhere close to 50. Or at least this side of it. No. He is almost 60. Yeah... Of course I didn't find this out until today. The day after I spoke with him on the phone.

I received an email from this man. An interesting one. He said that he really enjoyed talking to me on the phone. (I actually didn't say much since he had dominated the conversation) He told me that I sounded so petite and demur. And I seemed like such a happy person. So happy in fact, that I must be a party girl. And since I was a party girl and he had quit drinking, that maybe he was going to have to take it up again. What? I ask you ... What? For one...I am not petite. I am 5'8" complete with a capital T and plenty of A (and my share of side orders to go). Demur? A bit, perhaps. Except when in private and only then if you are a keeper. LOL Happy? I most certainly am. Party girl? I don't even think so. I don't drink for one...and would prefer not to be with someone that may have issues with that. For two..I am not looking for someone to Party with. At least not in the way he made it sound like. I have already said I would go out to lunch with him. And I will because I stand by what I say I will do. But his personality takes me back a bit to say the least.

I called Christine, tonight. And explained how I felt about it all. She basically said that she ..doesn't know what I am so worried about, it isn't like I am going to marry the guy. That I should just have fun with him. "You haven't even gone out with him yet Michelle..." It isn't that I am worried. I am not worried about anything to do with him. But I am concerned about any expectation he may have.

Is it just me? I know age shouldnt' be a factor. And mostly it is not for me unless it sways heavily in one direction or the other. This one sways hard. And it really isnt' just about the age difference.

Just a note. A guy (preferrably within 10 years of my own) with a note in his hand...from God almighty Himself. Yeah...that should do it. Until then...? Where is my Costos Lunas?

Maybe I am wrong in feeling this way. But it just doesn't feel right to me to date someone that is older than my parents.

Quickies

I think I need to make some soup tonight. Not sure which though. If I left it up to Rachel, it is a given. But I am craving something different. Hummm...

Work is a little on the ridiculous side. It goes to show, that when you are shorthanded, that is when you need the most help. I am hanging in there. And the up side is that the days fly by when you have but only a moment to take a breath. And the nights? I am asleep in a matter of me reaching over to set the alarm. Awake, shortly thereafter, to the sound of it. Nice... So as you can see I am using my lunch break to post. Not that I have anything important to say, or complain about or rejoice in. (Other than my really cool lawn! :P Well ok I have ton to rejoice in.) And I could think of a zillion other ways to spend my lunch break, but ya know that usually requires another warm body, preferrably significant, and that just isn't in the works lately, so..here I am.

And, here I go. Sheesh...that was quick.

Between my toes

I have been really fortunate lately. I am not sure what I did to deserve so much. Not only did something happen earlier this month that just left me flabergasted and feeling so relieved, (I love you Mom and Dad) but my friend Christine and her husband Bob had just put fresh sod in their backyard. Not that...that...is it.

They had about 2 pallets left over and said that since they appreciated me, they wanted me to have it. Now, my yard has pretty much been an issue since I moved in here. It was barren, pine needle ridden and I couldn't grow much of anything. I tried. I planted grass twice, flowers of all kinds but still no results. I sort of gave up this last year. I just figured my house would forever be residing on a patch of dirt, a graveyard of pansies and petunias. Christine called me up Saturday morning and told me what they wanted to do. I argued at first. 'Cause I just seem to do that when I am offered something without being able to do anything in return. Then I kicked myself in the butt and thought "HELLO! You need this. You want this. Accept it graciously and with many thanks. And then shut up." So I did. I spent Saturday afternoon and evening cleaning the heck out of my yard and preparing the way. Today, we loaded up the patches of grass, fertilized and laid the pieces down. I am still giddy. *giggle* I am still, so thankful. Rachel and I took a trip to the grocery this evening. When we got in the car, the Christian radio station here was on. I am not sure how it got there. It is on my pre-selects but the last time we went anywhere, I had a cd playing. And, the cd is still in the player. Hummm....

And now...for a Gilmore Girls moment...

Her: Goodnight Mama. I love you.

Me: (tucking in Rachel) Goodnight baby I love you too. Sweet dreams. And if
you need me, I will be standing outside, staring at our new grass.

Her: You know that's going on your tombstone, don't you?

Booty Shakin'

Ok...wow. How cool is it that I entered my picture Oyster's Secrets for the Lensday theme of Autumn and I took third. Or number 3, not sure what it means. Well, it means that people actually voted for a picture I took. Me. My own. Teehee... I am surprised that out of all the fantastic photos, like 100 plus, I got No. 3 on the list. Me. ME... :P

Pumpkin, Pecan and Buttermilk

Rachel got home last night at 7:30. She swooped her arms around my waist and said she missed me yesterday. I missed her too. We crawled into my bed and began, yet another, Harry Potter movie marathon. With her arms wrapped around my own, her head on my shoulder, she drifted off to sleep. I slid from between her grip, kissed her head and tucked her in. She is still asleep this morning, clutching to every last piece of my blanket.

I am so thankful for today. It was a busy week. Not only with activities but mentally. The whole lunch date thing with lunch date guy, was ya know...lunch. It was the second time we had gone out and the second time he was really late showing up. I didn't say anything about it to him, until he mentioned how fast our time goes when we are together. I dont' remember how I put it, but basically said that I was only giving him another 5 minutes before I was headed home for the rest of my break. He had about 2 minutes left on the five, when he walked through the door. It shows a red flag to me. Being late and all. That the person isn't really interested in being there. As far as dating is concerned. I dont' want to be someones obligation, I want someone that is actually excited about spending time with me. I am old fashioned I suppose. I want the guy to make the move, the contact and the push. I have tried to be the 21st century woman and be aggressive. But I don't care for what goes with it. And, if a guy is wondering how I happen to feel? I am pretty straightforward about it. I dont' play the games. At any rate, he is a nice person. I really do think so, but I think we could be good friends and that is about it.

I sent my marketing plan to my "friend". I was going to include with that attachment, an email stating that I think he should find someone closer (He is in Illinois) to handle the marketing director position. But, just before I was ready to hit send, he sent me another email that was a complete turn around from his previous several. It was human, and nice. I thought..."Ok Lord, does this mean I give it another chance? I've been praying all night...and though I thought my decision was made, I get this." And so I changed my words. I received a reply to my document and outline yesterday morning, and he said, my friend, that it was awesome. :) So I am going to give it a go but if he batters me emotionally one more time, I am gone. It isn't that I can't take criticism. I can even though it can be a bit salty. But when it is an assault on my character and drive with nothing more than assumption and no fact to back it up, I retreat. One of my comments to him was..

"I am not going to go on anymore or argue with you about how hard I am or am not pushing myself. I push myself daily. I know what it takes to make a go of nothing. And I do damn well at it day in and day out."

End of story.

Rachel is now awake, munching on her mini wheats, and thinks that Thanksgiving should happen every month. I couldn't agree more. MMmmm pie.

Don't look down

Is it so odd these days to stand by a commitment? In this day and age when most people find it easy to walk away from some previously agreed circumstance, be it personal or business related, just because it keeps them from being inconvenienced, is it strange to still feel like you need to follow through regardless of the difficulties it may bring? I mean, you made the choice, weighed the options and hopefully came to a solid decision. Or maybe you didn't think on any of those things but instead, went with your gut feeling. Either way, a commitment was made and it should be stuck to. Wouldn't you think?

I have a hard time walking away from something once I have made the choice to work it through. I was the same in my marriages. I didn't want divorce, I wanted to work it out and to my own detriment, probably stayed longer than I should have. I don't like to "give up" at least not without a fight. But this marketing project, has just gotten the better of me. It is now this little cat and mouse game. I don't do games unless you're talkin' the kinds that are actually fun. Like video games or board games or...ya know..bedroom games. Head games don't do it for me and it's a waste of my time. I had answered his last email to me, asking if I was going to continue with this project. I told him I would like to give it a go, I have the work, it is done and that I needed to have reassurance from him that he wanted me on board before I forwarded what I had. I heard nothing back. Even after his urgency, time restraints etc...I heard nothing. I am taking that for my answer. I now have some free time in the evenings.

Today is the first day without Noggin'. And while I am already feeling the effects of a one person office, it was nice to come in today and not have to worry about what mean spirited thing she might say or do. All the while giving me the cutsie baby voice "Why you must have misunderstood my intentions, I certainly didn't mean it that way..." I say...good intentions paved the way to hell. At any rate, I hope she makes her way to Louisiana safely. :)

And on that note...We need to hire a new person. Know anyone that wants a job in Oregon?

Feelin' Feisty

A while ago I received this email asking me about my blog titles. How sometimes they are a little to Vague in what the meaning is behind them. Actually, I don't see it. I think they are pretty much out there. Ok yeah, sometimes it is my own little inside joke and if someone catches on, then great. But I do it mostly for me and it sort of solidifies what I am thinking on at the moment. I don't name my posts until after I have written them. Like this last one for instance....100% Cotton. My thoughts were about my mini meltdown last night. How, when it rains, it pours. And when it rains and you are in the middle of it, you get wet. Thus, the picture of the fountain. And when you get wet, at some point, you get to dry off and all is well. And when you think of drying off you think of towels and there is no better towel than one that is 100% Cotton. So I got dry, by writing my post and felt better. That was it and it worked for me.

I had drops of rain from my boss, then CJ, the ultimate drip, came into the forefront this last weekend too and we got into it (By the way, any potential men that may be reading this page might like to know that if you begin to date me, that after about 6 months it is a known fact that you will suddenly meet the girl of your dreams and I will no longer be needed. It is true, she will appear just like that. Out of nowhere like magic. Just keep that in mind. I can make your dreams come true. Ask Chris, or Matt or CJ. Several years invested in the research. I should have my own patent. Hey, maybe they could do something with the scar on my right butt cheek from the subcutaneous protrusion I had in my accident?), The marketing project is in limbo and I had to read yet another email drenched about my lack of enthusiasm and how "I won" and he was going to remove all the work I had done on the website (which is completely unfounded and the misunderstanding is being rectified, I think), as well as a host of other internal nasty manifestations about my own self worth. Anyway, I melted. My mom had some sage advice too. She said "Ya know, if you cry really hard, really fast it keeps your eyes from swelling too much." Or it was something like that anyway. I cried hard last night, but it was for a long time and the effects of it showed this morning.

Lunch date guy started calling again. He asked me last week, if I thought he was ignoring me. I said.. "No, I pretty much figured you weren't interested in hanging out with me. No worries, really." He didn't say much to that. I am not sure if he wanted me to be heart broken or what? I am pretty much OK these days when it comes to rejection. It is a given I think. There is obviously something wrong with me in the eyes of men. I am what I am and I won't pretend to be something I am not. Anyway, he called tonight too and the conversation consisted of the fact that he is never - ever - never and he repeated never going to get married again.

OK.

So what exactly am I doing talking to him? I mean, it isn't that I am looking for marriage. But I am not going to spend all my time and energy with someone that leaves no options for the future. It has just been laid on the table that his future consists of what he has right now. Right...so there are no choices, no room for growth etc.. Why would I look to open something that is sealed shut indefinitely? Ugh. We are going to lunch tomorrow. I am sure that if I continue to see him on a regular basis, that some girl will show up and change his mind around. Yet another of the male species redeemed. And all they had to do was get together with me, to figure out what they really wanted.

Perhaps I will join NaNoWriMo and write a book about the ten steps to getting the woman of your dreams. Step One...call Michelle on the phone and ask her to lunch...

100% Cotton

Ever feel like you were drowning? Drowning in your own emotions, fears and questions? I felt it last night. My poor daughter. She just gives me her big blue eyes and asks "What's wrong Mama?" and it breaks me up all over again. She is so amazingly sweet and genuinely caring that I feel bad for her to even see me that way. Although, I know it is good for kids to see that there will be difficulties and setbacks in life and that they can be worked through, it is hard for me to let her see mom upset. She takes on this protective place over me, watching out for me and wanting to do or say something to make it better. I don't want her to grow up too fast or to feel the burdens of being an adult just yet. I don't want her to think that it is ok to not deal with stuff either. Sometimes dealing with it makes tears, or feelings of anger or even happiness. You got to feel the bad, just like you want to feel the good.

I have been dealing with my friend on the whole marketing issue, email thing I received last week. I was angry at first. Which is why I had to step away for a few days and let that pass before I could answer his email objectively. I actually have learned over the years that I need to not respond out of emotion to everything... Anyway, it is going. The communication part. Just not sure how well as yet...

Runnin' with the flag

I was tagged again by Tech which, ya know, is probably a good thing today cause I need to search for some joy. And while I can find it, it isn't so easy to feel it.

Here you go...

THE SEARCH FOR JOY

Search your blog for the word "joy" used in the context of "happiness." If you cannot find the word in your weblog, you may use any of the select list of synonyms below.
joy, amusement, bliss, cheer, comfort, delectation, delight, ecstasy, elation, exaltation, exultation, exulting, felicity, gaiety, gladness, glee, good humor, gratification, happiness, hilarity, humor, jubilance, liveliness, merriment, mirth, pleasure, rapture, regalement, rejoicing, revelry, satisfaction, wonder

If your weblog does not include a built-in search engine, then you can use Google to search it only for the word you wish to find.

If you've found the word and it was not used facetiously or sarcastically, good for you. All you need to do is link to your earlier entry, and write a few words about that joyous moment. If, however, you have no joy (whole words only) in your weblog, you must dig deep in your soul and find something wonderful in your life right now. One little thing that fills you with warmth, that bubbles you over with quiet happiness, or tickles you with its good-hearted hilarity, or makes you glad you just took a breath, and are getting ready to take another. It doesn't have to be anything big. A smile someone gave you; your cat on your shoulder; the way the light angles through your window and casts rainbows on your floor. All it has to be is something genuine, something real, something that matters to you.

~

I only could find two posts that listed the word joy. I thought for certain that there was more...but it says not. One is Baby Bumble Bee that went on about our sick cat Sophia and how much my daughter cares for her. Not exactly a joyful moment. And the other was TMI in which I listed 100 things about me. There was a line about how nothing brings me as much Joy as my daughter.

So on that note...and seeing as I don't really have a joyful moment other than, I will list what bring me joy now, or always has...I guess.

My daughter, Rachel. It is true that nothing brings me as much joy as her. The way the sun reflects in her hair on our drive home, the way her eyes sparkle when I make her laugh and the way she kisses me softly on my cheek when I am crying. I love the way she belts out a song in the car (I almost had a video to share with you all on that) and the way she lays in bed before sleep reading her Bible. She is my treasure and my key. Without her, I really don't know where I would be. Maybe I am one of those single parents that makes their life, their child, but that is a pretty damn good thing if you ask me. Maybe there isn't much more to me than that, maybe some can't see the value or the worth in me with only that, but ya know...it is a hell of a lot and way more than some. And it brings me joy.

~

Because we all need joy in our lives, and need to take the time -- from time to time -- to recognize it. And sometimes, we need to pass it on.

Even if we're a big pain in the ass when we do.

When you've dealt with your own joy, pass the quest on to five other bloggers.

Again, I don't have 5 bloggers to tag but I will ask Melissa cause she could use some joy, too.

Screamin' Mimi

Rachel wasn't your average baby. She didn't oogle at candy on the counter, or cry because she wanted just one more cookie. No...to Rachel, salad croutons were "cookies" and ears of corn were the silkiest of chocolates. If an ear of corn was in eye shot of that bundle of blue eyes and blonde hair, she would let out this wail as if she had been deprived of food for days. I couldn't get it to her fast enough. Even when her teeth hadn't even fully grown in, she would find a way to suck every morsel out of that thing. I remember once the Dr. had asked me what I was giving her for snacks, making sure that I kept it healthy. I told her I didn't have much trouble with that. I give her corn on the cob. After her look of shock, she said that she was going to mention it to other mothers. What better thing? It is sweet, good for you and it keeps them entertained for a good twenty minutes. :P

It was a beautiful day today. Much warmer than I expected and I really over dressed for a day at the Pumpkin Patch. Nine acres of Corn Maze later, I was sweatin' bullets. We only got lost a couple times and probably would have made it through much faster had I not kept stopping to take pictures. There is really only so many pictures you can take of corn, and stalks and...corn, but it takes a lot of shooting to get just one that you might like. I got three that I am happy with. And the one I have up here, isn't one of them. ;) This photo was from the little farmer's market they had set up in one of the barns. Very sweet with homemade jams, and such. And yes, I got the LAST Apricot preserve. Yeah me!

So I am trying, via Paint Shop Pro, to get my photos to have a drop shadow. With the help of my sis in law Amy, I think I may have gotten it. After a few tries, which hopefully none of you saw, I figured out a way to get my background matched up with the photo. Yeesh...I am Paint Shop Pro illiterate.

How does this look?

Still hungry

I sat down to blog and had my page up. Rachel walked by and said "Whoa! that is a cool picture Mom, where did you take that?" (In reference to my last one posted.) I said "In the driveway. I was hopping back in the car to go back to work after lunch, and there was this leaf." She said "Yeah but it is a leaf that has lived it's life and a pine seed next to it, looking for life. That is really cool."

She sooo gets me.

So..I was tagged for a Meme by Tech. Frankly, I would prefer if he tackled me but ya know...you take what you can get. ;)

Ahem...here you go...

1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to I used my 22nd).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

Ponder it for meaning, subtext or hidden agendas.

5. Tag five people to do the same.

My entry was titled Such goodness in a Pair of Nuts

"Just like I like my men...warm down deep, hard on top, soft in the middle, a little nutty, smooth and creamy in my mouth and just a bit of sweetness to seal the deal."

I know what I was thinking then, and it is pretty much the same to this day. I was just a single girl enjoying her peanut butter and jelly sammich. And well, thinking about how I would like to find a man as finger lickin' good.

So there ya go...I have no one to tag. Or even...tackle.

I freaked out my posts, tried to delete a bunch of drafts that I needed to just let go of and ended up doing something weird and now I can't fix it. Ah well...It is still Friday. All is right in the world.

Under cover

My boss has been a little tense lately. Well, ok...a lot tense. Yesterday he hit his boiling point, apparently, and seemed to feel that I was a good target. He burned me a good few times with said spew and as it turned out, was in regards to Noggin'. I called him on his cell phone last night and confronted him on his recent behavior. I understand the points he made about the pressure he is under right now, but at the same time he needs to find a constructive way to deal with it. It is said that those you feel the most comfortable and secure with, are the ones you are more likely to, for lack of a better word, abuse. I felt pretty good about standing up for myself, seeing as I have a hard time doing that, and I made my mom proud too. ;) He is only now realizing some of the things that I already knew and dealt with daily where Noggin' was concerned. I am glad his eyes have been opened, but the death rays he is shooting out keep hitting me. Yeesh.

With whipped cream

Rachel and I had the most fun at the Pumpkin Patch last year. It is held out on a ranch in Tumalo, just north of Bend. We got huge cups of hot cocoa, Ooo'd over the Clydsdales, took a ride on the tractor pulled wagon, got lost in the giant corn maze and saw ghords and pumpkins of every shape and color. I was thinking of it this morning, and my mom asked about it tonight. I need to find out when it is this year.

I never cared for the whole Halloween thing much. Even when I was little. I didn't like dressing up in costumes (I think that partly stems from the costumes I was forced to wear. Lord help me, the pictures...), or walking from house to house with my plastic pumpkin, begging for candy. I am not much of a candy person, unless of course, it is gummi bears. (Never grew out of that one.) I did the deed with Rachel. I think she enjoyed it...but for me, it was much more fun watching her do it.

I received a five page email from the person I was working on the marketing project with. I forwarded it to my work, printed it out and still haven't read it through. I am just not sure how I am feeling about it as yet. I had it set in my mind that I was done. I deleted all the links, reference material and research I had on my computer. I did, however, keep my documents and one sheets I had created. I could go either way. My tot is still teetering.

*Correction*
The ranch I mentioned is in Terrebonne, just north of Redmond. I would link to them, but they haven't kept their website going.

Seven Down

It was February of 1998. I was working for this company that made rooftop carriers for SUV's. The job sucked and didn't pay much, but it was something to pay the bills since my daughters father couldn't hold a job or at the very least find one that paid an actual salary. (he was my husband at the time) I was unhappy at how my married life was turning out, weighted with bills and worries of being able to raise my daughter "right". Just before work timed out for the day, I talked with her father on the phone. He had wanted to take what money I had made and go on some trip with his co-workers (party buddies) that weekend. I had told him that we needed to pay the rent and we couldn't afford it. We argued. I don't even remember the words spoken but I was upset, he was angry that I made getting his way difficult. I knew in my mind that he was never going to change and there was nothing I could do except try to be a wife and mother in spite of him. I took my vows seriously, and though I had realized the bad choice I had made, it was made just the same. There was just more of the worse than the better.

I left work late. It was a mucky February day. Thick with fog and moisture. It was heavy. Seemed pretty appropriate given my emotional state. I drove my usual route to get to my daughters daycare (she was three at the time, such a cutie) All the while thinking about our situation. Bills left unpaid, because we just didn't have the money and a marriage that shouldn't have happened. I knew this drive by heart. I drove it everyday like clockwork. Each turn, bump and stop were like the creases in my palm. But this day was different. The fog was so dense. I kept my speed slow since I felt as though I were on some new road. Something I hadn't traveled before. A road that I had no pre-planned navigation for. It was different.

Before my mind could register what I had just done, driving through a stop sign, I was T-Boned by a 1 ton landscaping truck. His speed and my slow movement was as if he had hit a parked car. It sent my little sedan through the corner home's fence and into the side of their 2 car attached garage. I remember seeing his headlights, the sound of the force of impact and of my body hitting the steering wheel when I came to a stop. (I was wearing my seatbelt, it just didn't lock like it was supposed to.) People came and asked if I was ok, I couldn't speak. They called 911 and the police and paramedics came. The only question the police asked was, if I had insurance. I didn't. It was one of the bills we couldn't pay. My daughters father showed up on the scene and didn't say much either. I remember looks of, I am not sure what... Not astonishment, not fear, not anger and certainly not love. He didn't say anything to me. He just left to go get Rachel and then to my folks' house. The next hour or so (I am really not sure of the time that passed) I had paramedics trying to get me free of the car. The passenger side that was hit, was completely collapsed around me. I remember thinking how thankful I was that Rachel wasn't with me when it happened. I don't' know what I would have done, if anything had happened to her. As they were pulling me out and onto a stretcher, they noticed a "projectile" in my backside. Yes...my backside, my rear...my fanny. (It is ok...you can chuckle. I certainly am.) A pen that was in the console had been forced into my right cheek. Nice huh? So with all the humiliation I was already encountering, I had to go through these, and if I may say so, extremely handsome, strong and brave paramedics cutting off my pants so they could stabilize it. By this time, I had sobered quite a bit from my "just hitting a house" daze and told them to just pull it out. To PLEASE pull it out. They wouldn't do it. So let's just say, that I looked like I had a giant bulls eye complete with double bonus score enhanced with white medical tape on my butt. (This story does become a bit more colorful linguistically when I have had a drink or two, but that rarely happens seeing as I don't drink but maybe 2-3 times a year) Anyway, I get to the hospital. The Dr., and he oh so sweet, told me that the object was only subcutaneous. Meaning...it was only embedded in fat tissue. I remember looking at him and saying "So are you saying the I have a fat ass?" I know...I know...I can be a bit crass when under pressure. He did laugh, however. Then he asked if there was a chance I could be pregnant. My answer "Don't you need to have sex to get pregnant?" Yikes... So we progress with the tests and the painful maneuvering of my body to get xrays. I just wanted to be home, with my baby and have it all be over with. Rachel's dad didn't come to the hospital, My Mom and Sister Amy did. He was at my folks' house with my Dad, stressing over what he was going to do when I died. No concern for me and if I was going to be ok, no concern about our now huge bill and expense for an uninsured accident or the fact that we were now without a car. It was about him and what he was going to do with our daughter. I was ok...some major bruising (my entire torso was black all the way up to my neck and some minor scratches and cuts.) But it really was a blessing I wasn't seriously hurt, moreover Rachel wasn't in the car.

Why did I tell this story? Because I did travel a different road that day. It was my turning point. It was the realization that this marriage and this life I had been leading, needed to change. Truths needed to be told, people needed to take responsibility for their actions and choices. I knew in my heart, that day, that this marriage would end soon. And not by my own hand but by his. He left that following 4th of July weekend for another trip with his co-workers, with the understanding that if he went, he wouldn't be coming back to me. He took the money we had in our bank account and left me with forty dollars in my purse.

This event, was just one of many that made our marriage what it was. Too many to put in one post. But as I look back on that one particular day, I know that the choice was a good one. It literally took a truck hitting me upside my head to get it.

...in the shoe

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

But first...a post.

I had such a productive weekend. I think the clearing of that ginormous obstacle made me want to clear everything else as well. My car smells yummy, my house is fresh and clean and my yard has been de-pine needled. (ok at least the most obvious part of it. There is a little more effort to be extended there...er...a lot.) Anyway, I also got to thinking that this is my most favorite time of year. Although I do like all of the seasons, but this one with the colors and such, brings on a feeling of warmth or being close enough to feel it. Even though it isn't so warm outside. And I haven't taken a single picture. Not one. Hello? I need to do that.

Speaking of close, and yes it is time for a small whine about relationships and the lack thereof, I was talking with someone about something a personal friend of theirs is going through. (Would this constitute as gossip? I mean doesn't gossip have to be speaking with someone and they know this person as well and you are spreading personal information? I hope not 'cause service on Sunday was about "Minding your Mouth". And reminders that there is never a reason to tell confidential information, not even in the ruse of well meaning Prayer.) Anyway, he was telling me about this particular situation. Where a man and wife were having some marital issues. The issues? The husband was cheating on his wife for a second time with the same woman. He had told my friend in confidence, that he wasn't going to give up his extra marital affair for anyone and his wife would just have to live with it, even though he had just told the Pastor of their Church that he was going to stop. Wow.

But you know what bothered me even more? Was that this husband was 40 years old and his mistress is 22. Twenty-Two! Ugh..I swear it gets me everytime I hear about how someone is seeing someone half their age. I like to think that age has nothing to do with maturity, it is gained through experience. And ya know, I get that attraction doesn't necessarily have anything to do with maturity. But my gosh, what in the world are single women my age supposed to do when the single men our age and older, think we are too old? 37 isn't old...is it? I am more confident and feel better than I ever did in my 20's. I am getting the feeling that I can't win. Which is too bad. 'Cause I would make someone a good girlfriend. :P


Fo Drizzle

High Noon

Ok, so, I am staring at this blank screen, like I have for a few days now, and am still not sure what is going to come out here. I have had lots of thoughts, memories, blessings, worries and what if's about the future the last couple nights. But just have lacked the words to put them down. There was an article the other day, on the DailyOM page, that had to do with Grace. How it fills our lives each day. Some small, some large and obvious. I was Graced on Friday. In a huge way. I feel such a release of this, what I felt, was a burden, that it has pretty much left me speechless. My thoughts are of wanting to do something to express my thankfullness, my appreciation, and my gratitude. I just don't know what.

In the family I grew up in, love didn't come without condition. There was a price and they were sure to let you know what it was and how it was to be accomplished. And, if you didn't follow through, there was certain punishment. At least it was their definition of love. I am not saying it wasn't, it was just different. I have learned others over the years, some better, some not, and some were told to be love but really didn't even come close to the dictionary.

What I have experienced this last few days, doesn't come close either. It is more than "strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties" and more than "warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion ". I can't think of the words and Merriam-Webster doesn't do it justice.

I have woken up each and every day with the object filling my head. The questions of how to resolve it, deal with it until it can be, and just the amount of brain matter it has taken up, has left me sort of dazed that it is gone. It isn't there anymore. It has been there for so long and has been such a part of my life for the past couple of years that I am not sure what I am going to do with space. It is an amazing relief.

On a side note...
My daughter is scaring me. She spent the afternoon and night at her friends house yesterday, and when she walked out of her bedroom, all dressed and ready, I about fell over. I am not sure why I don't notice it on a daily basis. The way she is changing. But some things that she wears really show off her...uh...figure that she is getting. She has grown another inch in height since June, and the bras that I had on layaway for the last month, well, let's just say I will be exchanging them. Lord help me the girl is only 11! She did, however, snuggle up to me on the couch the other night and asked if we could turn back time. And if we could, what age would I want her to be? I told her if I could, I would go back to the day when I found out she was in my tummy. I would want to experience it all over again, every moment with her. I then told her how much I loved her and enjoyed her right now, too. Rachel is truly my saving Grace. If there was ever a definition of love, then all I have to do is look at her.

Pants on Fire

I was going to post last night. I really was. I thought "Wow, I don't usually go this long with keeping my mouth shut." (Metaphorically speaking. Or however you would describe writing as mouthing and actually speaking, but really isn't.) I am not entirely sure that aside made complete sense. But neither is anything else these days. I swear someone will say something to me, and I hear something completely different. That, or they are playing a really mean trick on me. Yeah. That must be it. They tell me something and then come back later and say "No what I said was this. You must have heard it wrong." Right. I heard it wrong. Anyway.

I didn't post last night cause I took some of those Tylenol PM's. I knew with all that was in my head I wasn't going to sleep. Heck, I couldn't even sit still. I kept finding myself pacing, and fussing about like if I walked long enough, I would get somewhere in my head.

I am rather pissed off with a friend of mine. The one I was (and I stress was) doing a marketing project with. He made a comment that I had lost my enthusiasm and he was just going to progress alone. My question was - How can he know where my enthusiasm level is, when I haven't even been given the time to go over what I had done? How can he know what my enthusiasm level is, when he doesn't take the time to respond to my questions or requested needs to get my end of the project done? I get blown off each and everytime because he is just too busy with the technical end. Like I don't know about busy? Grr. My time is precious and I have given that time to this supposed project, with only the faith that what he says will happen, will. I have reaped no reward thus far for my time and efforts. Disappointing, to say the least. I spent my evening deleting programs, documents and research before the PM's kicked in. I have had no response from this person. Which just leads me to believe he was only pulling my chain to begin with.

And ya'll wonder why I have trust issues? heh.

20 Lbs

Well then. Today was Monday eh?

I added word verification. I had no choice. The spam...the nasty, fatty, you can't even call it bologna, chopped meat by-product that it is. Bleah..

There were obstacles today. Some cleared, some not. Some, I am just too frustrated on to mention. Or well ok, maybe I can. In a way. Ugh. I am just frustrated because i am tired of not being heard. Of not getting some sort of respect for my opinion. I know I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder. The "I am a single parent and can't handle it" chip. Sometimes, I overcompensate. Sometimes, I am completely stubborn and don't accept help when I really need it. I know. I am aware of it and even when I am trying to let help come or backdown from something I hold as really important, it is hard. Truly hard and it weighs on me heavily until it is over. Anyway, I am not sure that this is a fight I should battle. Or just let it go. I am upset that I was just dismissed as some questioning fool that has no place to question or disagree. But it has to do with my daughter. And I don't have any compromise in me, when it comes to her.

On the work front, Noggin' gave her two week notice. She is moving back to Louisiana. I am sorry for that. I really am. But my feelings were mixed. Part of me, relieved. Which in turn makes me feel horrible for being happy about it. Part of me, feels angry. So much time and money invested, for her to walk away. And part of me, is just not sure. I met with my boss after work, he said he wasn't angry with her, that there wasn't any problems with her that he knows of (that he knows of...I could carry a good conversation on that one) and he informed me of the load I am going to need to carry, once again. I know I can do it, I know I will do it...I am just wondering at what price. The "Be careful what you ask for..." keeps ringing through my head.

Lunch date guy...turned out to be just a lunch date. He did call last week and said he would call me so we could do something this last weekend. He didn't call. Which is really just fine with me. I wish I could say I was disappointed. I almost feel odd, that I am not.

My youngest brother is still confused. I don't get it. I know I was pretty oblivious when I was his age, but this just seems of magnificent proportions. I wish I could tell him and for him to understand, that what he is thinking he is seeking, is right before his face. But unless you know otherwise and have experienced it, then I guess you can't see it, can't understand it. I don't know. I only know my own experience, and it was much different than his. I can't even imagine the kind of worry, the kind of sadness, anger and disappointment my folks are feeling. But with all of that, they love him still. I don't know that I would have done anything different if it were my child.

But with all this going on around me, I am thankful. My daughter is healthy, I have a home and a place to lay my head. I have food on the table even if it isn't until 8pm, and heat to warm us through this 23 degree night. I have my dreams of someone close and a pillow that is just the right size to wrap my arm around. I have an awesome extended family, and parents that love through the toughest and most trying of times.

It's good.

How about you?

A great Meme I saw on Tech's page that he found on Trixie's. After seeing this list from my year of graduation...I remember how much I listened to music that wasn't current mainstream stuff. More of that of the 70's and beyond. But here you go...

Go to musicoutfitters.com. Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year. Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you hate and underline your favorite. Do nothing with the one you don't know or don't care about.

Here are the top 100 songs from 1986, the year I graduated.


1. That's What Friends Are For, Dionne Warwick, Elton John, and Gladys Knight
2. Say You, Say Me, Lionel Richie
3. I Miss You, Klymaxx
4. On My Own , Patti Labelle and Michael McDonald
5. Broken Wings, Mr. Mister
6. How Will I Know, Whitney Houston
7. Party All The Time, Eddie Murphy
8. Burning Heart, Survivor
9. Kyrie, Mr. Mister
10. Addicted To Love, Robert Palmer
11. Greatest Love Of All, Whitney Houston
12. Secret Lovers, Atlantic Starr
13. Friends And Lovers, Carl Anderson and Gloria Loring
14. Glory Of Love, Peter Cetera
15. West End Girls, Pet Shop Boys
16. There'll Be Sad Songs, Billy Ocean
17. Alive And Kicking, Simple Minds
18. Never, Heart
19. Kiss, Prince and The Revolution
20. Higher Love, Steve Winwood
21. Stuck With You, Huey Lewis and The News
22. Holding Back The Years, Simply Red
23. Sledgehammer, Peter Gabriel
24. Sara, Starship
25. Human, Human League
26. I Can't Wait, Nu Shooz
27. Take My Breath Away, Berlin
28. Rock Me Amadeus, Falco
29. Papa Don't Preach, Madonna
30. You Give Love A Bad Name, Bon Jovi
31. When The Going Gets Tough, Billy Ocean
32. When I Think Of You, Janet Jackson
33. These Dreams, Heart
34. Don't Forget Me (When I'm Gone), Glass Tiger
35. Live To Tell, Madonna
36. Mad About You, Belinda Carlisle
37. Something About You, Level 42
38. Venus, Bananarama
39. Dancing On The Ceiling, Lionel Richie
40. Conga, Miami Sound Machine
41. True Colors, Cyndi Lauper
42. Danger Zone, Kenny Loggins
43. What Have You Done For Me Lately, Janet Jackson
44. No One Is To Blame, Howard Jones
45. Let's Go All The Way, Sly Fox
46. I Didn't Mean To Turn You On, Robert Palmer
47. Words Get In The Way, Miami Sound Machine
48. Manic Monday, Bangles
49. Walk Of Life, Dire Straits
50. Amanda, Boston
51. Two Of Hearts, Stacey Q
52. Crush On You, Jets
53. If You Leave, Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark
54. Invisible Touch, Genesis
55. The Sweetest Taboo, Sade
56. What You Need, INXS
57. Talk To Me, Stevie Nicks
58. Nasty, Janet Jackson
59. Take Me Home Tonight, Eddie Money
60. We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off, Jermaine Stewart
61. All Cried Out, Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam With Full Force
62. Your Love, Outfield
63. I'm Your Man, Wham!
64. Perfect Way, Scritti Politti
65. Living In America, James Brown
66. R.O.C.K. In The U.S.A., John Cougar Mellencamp
67. Who's Johnny, El Debarge
68. Word Up, Cameo
69. Why Can't This Be Love, Van Halen
70. Silent Running, Mike and The Mechanics
71. Typical Male, Tina Turner
72. Small Town, John Cougar Mellencamp
73. Tarzan Boy, Baltimora
74. All I Need Is A Miracle, Mike and The Mechanics
75. Sweet Freedom, Michael McDonald
76. True Blue, Madonna
77. Rumors, Timex Social Club
78. Life In A Northern Town, Dream Academy
79. Bad Boy, Miami Sound Machine
80. Sleeping Bag, ZZ Top
81. Tonight She Comes, Cars
82. Love Touch, Rod Stewart
83. A Love Bizarre, Sheila E.
84. Throwing It All Away, Genesis
85. Baby Love, Regina
86. Election Day, Arcadia
87. Nikita, Elton John
88. Take Me Home, Phil Collins
89. Walk This Way, Run-D.M.C.
90. Sweet Love, Anita Baker
91. Your Wildest Dreams, Moody Blues
92. Spies Like Us, Paul McCartney
93. Object Of My Desire, Starpoint
94. Dreamtime, Daryl Hall
95. Tender Love, Force M.D.'s
96. King For A Day, Thompson Twins
97. Love Will Conquer All, Lionel Richie
98. A Different Corner, George Michael
99. I'll Be Over You, Toto
100. Go Home, Stevie Wonder