Down and Dirty

The lake was so beautiful yesterday. The weather here has just been....perfect. I think the high today was 70 or so. It's kind of odd to have such cooler temps this time of year, but I am certainly not complaining! I also found out, that I suck at horse shoes. The game, that is.

We tried our hand at mini golf today. A fun game, but I don't think I am going to win any tournaments anytime soon. :P Chris won, of course, booger, and Rachel...well...she gave a good hearty try. It made for a good few giggles.

I like the relationship thing. I admit, that it has been a while, or really ever, that someone has taken such an interest and genuine liking in me. I sometimes feel a little overwhelmed by all the attention and even a little wary. The wary is not because of anything he has said or done that would cause me to be so or to question his motives, it's just that little fear that creeps up on me that says it can't be real. Can't he see all those little things in me that aren't all good? And when he does, will he run too? He is by no means perfect himself. He has been honest, about the good the bad and the ugly. As have I. And I can accept those things about him. It's what we learn and how we view them today, that makes the kind of person we are. I like who he is and is striving to be. But, how long will he accept those things about me before he decides too, that he would rather not? Eh...that is what is hard to let go of. That fear of what happened so many times before, happening here. I know it isn't fair to put that onto this situation. So I am trying not to and enjoying every moment I can and taken that leap of Faith. Free falling even with the hopes that he will catch me. Luckily I've lost a little weight. :P

Just a little self (anal)ization for tonight...

Anywho... Today! Was Tech's Bday! Happy Birthday Sugar Dumpling! ;)

Well Deserved

I love love love the BOOT. It's big and gets in the way but dang me i can walk without pain. I really can't wait for my foot and leg to be back to normal. After just a few days and nights of wearing this mass of metal and velcro I can see a difference. My left leg looks like one. I have a calf. You can see the muscle and actual definition from leg to ankle. Woohoo! It's already feeling much better too. But I still have several weeks to go...

The weather here has finally taken a brief respite. Much cooler with temps in the 70's and 80's. YES! No more 100+ for a while I am hoping. It also helps with the nasty fires we have going on with one threatening a whole town just west of here. Several of my clients were evacuated from their homes, with no word as to when they can return. My prayers go out to them and their families. Please keep them and those affected in your's too.

Have a great weekend!

Made for walkin'

Ok then..this Dr. is much better. I like her. She knew what she was doing and was able to tell what my problem was after a few tests. I now sport a giant black orthopedic boot, but it actually makes walking easier. Apparently I have Posterior Tibial Tendonitis combined with Plantar Fasciitis. The Plantar was something that has developed because of the tendonitis. Had I let it go much longer, my tendon would rupture. It may still, but we are hoping the boot works (much easier to deal with than a cast). If it doesn't, then I may have to have a hard cast put on anyway. Once I get it healed, 4-6 weeks, I can get by with orthotics when I am active so as to keep myself from reinjuring/straining it.

My sis had a great idea, since we can't walk together now, and that is to go swimming!

Woohooo! I need to get back on track. I've been a little bummed about not losing the last couple of weeks and the lack of exercise isn't helping... Why didn't we think of this sooner?

Say it like ya mean it

Eh. Went to the Dr. today. I couldn't get in to see my regular one until the middle of August so I went ahead and went to urgent care. So much for figuring out what is wrong. I know it isn't broken. Heh. He did give me a brace and some pain medication. The brace helps, but the meds just make my tummy upset and my brain loopy. And, I think it gives me a touch of terets. I was coming back into the office from running some office errands, and I bumped my foot on the curb. Let's just say I am glad no one was standing around 'cause I yelled a not so nice word. But, I have noticed lately, that my mouth has been running amuck. It must be the stress, the heat or just a general lack of something.

At any rate, I am going to an orthopedist (sp? I don't feel like looking it up) on Thursday. He is the same guy that did my knee surgeries. I have confidence in him and hope he can help me to remedy whatever the issue is. I am only 37. I have a lot of walking to do yet...

Aside from that...today is ahappy day! It's Frenzied's Birthday!! Woot! Happy Birthday sweetie girl ;)

Stepping stones

MMm kay. I am not sure where they got our local weather guy from, but dang me if he isn't a nut. He talks like he has had major botox. His lips don't move, his cheeks...eyes...nothin'. And I swear he has a slight lisp. I am cracking up here...

I was going to talk, or whine rather, about my foot, but this just sort of takes the cake. Nothin' like a little small town local news to lighten the mood.

Anyway, my foot hurts. It's been bugging me for a while but it is to the point where I think I need to go to a professional. No magical "All of a sudden it was better..." type thing. Which, ya know, sucks, 'cause I hate going to the Dr. I hate this pain more, however, and unless I keep myself up on pain meds, I can't deal. I don't want to stop with the walking either. I was going so good with the weight loss, (at my half way point) and now I feel like it has come to sudden and not so happy halt. I am frustrated and just want it to go away. Hmmmph.

That was my whine. Fini.

This weekend was great. So much fun hanging out with Chris. Yes...his name is Chris. There ya go. We went to hang with the fam up at their camp spot yesterday and today he came over, hung out with me, Rach and her best friend. We went swimming, made lunch together and just enjoyed each others company. It's nice to be with someone and feel comfortable...and...he feels no "pressure" about spending time with my family. They are a big and important part of who I am. It comes with the package. He gets that, when so many others that I dated thought it was some huge step or some scary commitment to know my world. Frankly, if you are interested in me, then you'd be interested in that part too. You can't pick and choose what parts of a persons life you are involved in. I like that he is interested in all of it. :)

So, tomorrow is work. Eh. Another weekend just blew by...

Chunky Dunk

They say if you have a clean space, that your mind won't be so cluttered either. I am trying to work towards that. Taking off last weekend, even though my house was clean when I left, has put me behind in "keeping up". I worked a lot of hours this week too. And this weekend is chock full of stuff as well. I did manage to clean out my fridge, wash my car and am about to "de-hair" my nice pretty sofa. I love the darker color, but dang me if it doesn't show Everything...

There is a lot going on around me. Although my own personal space is quiet and relatively event free, I can't say the same for those closest. I can't stand to see those I love....sad, disappointed or angry. I want to fix it. I want to make it all better and make it all happy ever after. It's frustrating when I can't. It's frustrating to stand by and wonder when some will come to their senses and realize there is a better way. A nicer way that shows respect, appreciation and perhaps even a little humility. I suppose it comes with age, but I am not big on excuses. And while I know age can play a big part in behavior and maturity, I think wisdom comes with experience which can be achieved at any number of years. I see both sides, I understand them but it was just done wrong. And my words just don't seem to be enough. I try to stay neutral, but if you ask me what I think you can be sure I will say so. I am just not one to offer up my opinion without the need or desire to know it.

So, I am cleaning. It makes me feel like I am doing something to get rid of the mess. Even if it is just my own.

Now, if this nasty heat will go away, it will be even better. We are going to campground today, by the river. I am hoping it is somewhat cooler there, being next to the river and all. I just don't think the company would appreciate me wanting to skinny dip. 'Course, I am not sure you would call it that...

Of an eye...

The water looks purple. The pinks in the sand, mixed with the reflection of the blue in the sky. Kinda neat.

I can't tell you how thankful I am that me and Rachel had our time at the coast this year. Thanks to an extremely inexpensive and low in amenities kind of hotel, I could swing it. The belt will still be a little tight until the middle of August, but it was well worth it. It is a memory for her and I, that will not soon be forgotten, if ever. Honestly, I wish I didn't have to come home. It was perfect there. Just perfect. And, it went so fast.

But, I am here. Work is a bear. I was plunged right back in the thick of both jobs yesterday, as well as getting caught up from being gone around the house.

I have my pictures though. They give me the sense of being back there, even if only for a moment.

"As white as the ocean blue."

(click Here)

We're home. Well, actually I am. I think there is some sort of sensor that goes off in my daughters friends, that let's them know when she is free for the taking. We were home no more than one hour, and she was getting ready for yet another sleep over...pool party...etc. At least we had the weekend, un-interrupted.

It was an awesome one too. We slept, ate really bad, walked a bajillion miles on the beach, traveled along the coast a bit and just generally enjoyed being together and laughing our butts off. I took a ton of pictures, way more sunset pictures than anyone would care to look at. Even Rachel couldn't tell the difference between some of them. She would swear they were duplicates. But I got to playing with some of the settings on my camera, and there are some differences, some are just more obvious than others :P

Anyway, home is where I am. Although, I wish there was a way I could bottle up the Oregon Coast and let it spill out here. I miss the air, the cool on my face...and the sand between my toes.

Rachel: "Mom, I was thinking?"

Me: "UH OH."

Rachel: "Hey!" *hands on hips, wrinkled nose*

Me: "I love you Rachel."

Rachel: "I love you too Mom." *sigh*

Hittin' the road

Have a great weekend!

Half full

People are starting to notice the changes in me. It feels good to hear the compliments and such, but at the same time kind of weird. I know it is because I see myself everyday, but it doesn't really look any different to me. I know the numbers on my clothes are different now but the image in the mirror...not so much. I should have kept an extremely unflattering before photo of myself (which you wouldn't dare catch me in front of a camera candidly - strategically placed perhaps - but no way was someone going to snap that shutter while I wasn't looking, then.) at least I could compare and understand. I have read about people who have issues with losing weight, and then looking so different they have a hard time accepting the new "you" so to speak. I, myself, am kind of torn. And truly, I am not so sure I want to see the way I was. I would say I am only at 65% of my goal. But, apparently, it makes some difference.

Anyway...

The "Man" is coming for dinner tonight. Yeah...I (nay We) are to the point of cooking for each other. He made me dinner this last weekend, so I said it was my turn. And, since I am gone for a 3 day weekend with my daughter, I invited him over tonight. I am hoping my enchiladas don't come out too spicy. I have a habit of letting them runneth over with diced jalapeno, but I am going to do my best. :P

My posts are pretty..um..humm drum lately. I am thinking that maybe I have worked out the angst I had been feeling for so long. I no longer feel that emotion welling inside when I see certain people around town. And it tickles me to know that I have truly moved on. It, of course, helps to have your attention and focus withdrawn from yourself for a bit too. I am thinking the beach this weekend is going to draw a bit of thought out of me. There is no place I feel more relaxed and open than I do at the coast. I am hoping to come up with motivation to start what I have been wanting to for some time. Perhaps a business plan or at least an outline of how I need to be in the position to even begin a business plan or be in the position to get the equipment I need/want. I think I could do it with a minimalist attitude, yet provide good quality. Doesn't everyone want the best...for less?

Pushing play

That's what I did. Hard last night. At about 6:30pm, after getting home work.

It's funny how you can find people that sort of mirror your life. They have the same thoughts, dreams and goals. And, perhaps, they are achieving those dreams, making them reality, while your side of the glass isn't a reflection, as yet, but still a mere thought. I don't feel defeated just because I didn't make it happen first or something. I am certainly happy that they are making a go of it and hold such immense talent, it's almost a given that they will be successful. But, I just wonder if I can do it. Only time will tell I guess. And, of course, effort...

In getting much sleep, I had a dream. (I am envious of my friend Debbie, because she has such elaborate dreams all the time. Wild and crazy ones where she will wake up over joyed or angry and smacking her husband on the head. It cracks me up but then I wonder why I don't dream?) I don't remember a whole lot of it except the end. I was standing in a yard, much like my own and I walked over to a tree in the middle of the grass and there beneath it was a lamb. Pure white, resting in the shade.

*shrugging* Not sure why it's significant. Just seems like it should be...

On the fly

How you doin'? I am ok. I have been doing a lot, which leaves little time to sort out my thoughts. Tonight, it's just me. I can relax, put my feet up and just be. I just have to get through work first. My body is aching for a rest. Literally.

I am hoping that going to the coast this weekend will remedy that. It's just me and Rach. Nice and easy going, no itinerary of stuff to see except some slow walking along the water with camera in hand.

The new guy thing is going good. I've made it to the 4th date. It has been a long time that I can sit and talk with someone about the future. Each of our own futures as well as what we can do together. He talks and expects that I will be a part of his and he, mine. It's nice... He makes me feel protected, like I am some precious treasure but yet, respected.

He is making a little effort with my daughter with being friendly and asking how she is doing on the phone. I think it makes her feel a part and recognized as a prime person in this relationship. She was having a few issues at first, and is a little still, about me dating. She doesn't like it when I go out with someone. And it doesn't matter who really, she doesn't like anyone.

Her comment to me last night, just before bed, was "You know Mom, I still want a little brother or sister. Maybe you guys can get married?"

I think she is warming up to him a little...

Inhibited strides

Work, has been incredibly slow this week. The phone just isn't ringing. You know why? 'Cause everyone is out and about enjoying this awesome weather. They are on vacation, off visiting foreign places, camping on beautiful lakes and letting their children run rampant in the thick blades of grass. *sigh* I want to...too.

Since it is so slow, I have been thinking (while going through the motions of the mundane) about this whole making my dreams a reality thing. I need a partner. I need the boisterous one that can charm the masses into needing my services, our services.

I feel like there is a future with this new person I am seeing. Even though, part of me is feeling the fear. He says such nice things to me. About how beautiful he thinks I am, how smart, caring and that I have all my ducks in a row. He says I give him youth and energy, that my personality makes him feel alive and makes him want to be a better person. Which all sounds great but I have been told charming things before only to find out that it was only a way to get what they wanted before they moved on. That's what scares me, how long before he goes away too? And, how much will it hurt this time? Aside from all that (it isn't what I wanted to clear out of my head) I think he would be a good partner in crime, so to speak.

It's just ideas running through my brain. Possibilities. It's too soon to tell if it's lasting or just a rush of endorphines. With all this thought, I feel like there are many roads in front of me and i need to decide which one I am going to follow, climb even. Do I take the road to higher learning and take some online courses to get my degree so as to make more money? Do I take the road that takes my "hobby" into a loved profession? Or do I stay on my current path and hope things get better? The latter of the three seems to be waning in the "hope" area. Thinking of the future is hard and scary when you have been just trying to get by each day. I am leaning towards the first two.

Perhaps, even, trying to walk them both.

For the fire

There are dreams I want to realize. And when I see someone actually doing their dream, making it come to fruition, I get a bit jealous. But that feeling doesn't get me anywhere. It does, however, provide a little fuel for thought. Perhaps even a little motivation. See, I want to start my own business. I have wanted it for so long, but just didn't think it was in my grasp. All those little voices telling me that I was too poor to get it off the ground, not strong enough or smart enough to figure out the fine details and not schmoozy enough to round up the clients. Why would they hire me? I would most likely screw it up anyway right? It started out as just a little twinkle of an idea and notion that "I can do that. I want to do that. Wouldn't it be great if that was my profession?"

How do I know unless I try?

I am going to start thinking about how I can make this happen. My quality of life would be so much more.

One for you, Five for me

I was going to wait to post today, until I was able to download my photos from yesterday. I took over 150 pictures and just haven't had the chance. Out of all of them there will probably only be about 4-5 of them I really like or feel proud about taking. I am thankful for Digital...

At any rate, I needed to post. Well, actually, I needed to vent. My coworker has been getting a bit head strong lately. And while I appreciate people, even admire, with conviction, I admire and respect it more when they show the same consideration for me. Apparently, she went off into some pissy fit because she assumed that I had gone into our boss' office, shut the door and left her to fend for herself when the office got crazy. When I had actually gone to lunch, at my regularly scheduled time and told her so on my way out the door. (Yes she heard me because she waved me on) After that was rectified (heh), she went on to tell me that there is nothing wrong with my extremely bruised and painful hand (I had a bit of tetherball game with my brother-in-law yesterday and now it is a challenge just to pick up my water glass) I am sure I just went a little nutty on the competitive spirit and bruised it up pretty good, but she came over to my desk and told me that it was nothing and how much worse her injury was when she had simply broken a blood vessel in her arm. Certainly, mine couldn't be any more than that.

Well, OK Miss. PHD. Thank you for the quick diagnosis, eye roll and hair flip.

Arg. I really do like her 'cause she is smart and quick and I don't have to show her something 5 times over before she takes notes. But, the whole "Know-it-all" mentality is getting to be a little much.

Happy 4th!

"You have to do it yourself, no one else will do it for you. You must work out your own salvation." ~Charles E Popplestone

This time of year is significant for me. It was a time when I actually stood up and said what I believed, and held true to it. It was many years ago now (my daughters father), but it is a constant reminder, to me, that what I feel and think is important. I choose my own happiness and no person, place, circumstance or outside source is responsible for it. I gave myself a true feeling of independence.

Now, it has taken me some time, and I am still learning, on just how to get on with living. And in trying to be independent, you have to learn to accept help, too. Sounds contradictory, I suppose. But sometimes you have to swallow that pride and know within yourself when you just can not do it on your own all the time. Being able to accept help, can be just as liberating and self learning as taking it on yourself. Make sense? I am not quite sure how to get that point across.

At any rate, I hope you all enjoy a Happy and Safe Holiday today. For all those that gave for our Independence, we should give some heart felt Thanks. :)

All around me

Funny little signs, that pop up here and there, are normally unnoticeable. It wouldn't catch your eye with a regular mind set. And, it isn't that I am looking for them, they just seem to be there and keep making me go Hmmmm? It's a good Hmmmm? Don't get me wrong. But there is that part of me that is trying to stand back.

Standing back and making sure I am not seeing or feeling things that aren't really there...

Cautious, I guess. It's sort of like a flinch.

Anyway, I have to work today. Bleah! I say... It isn't fair that the others in my company that work on the West side of the Cascade Mountains, get today off, while us Central Oregonians must work. Why? Just because we live in the best part of the State? :P You will punish us by not letting us enjoy an extra day of it's beauty? Fine I say...be that way. But just you believe that I will be a soakin' in the sunshine all the while, not feeling an ouce of pity for your wet soggy skies. Neener, Neener...

A thousand words

Today was a fun day. I got to go exploring. I saw some places that I have never been to in the 12 years I have lived here. The weather was awesome, the company...fabulous. :)

Today, was a first date to remember. Woot!