Peeling the layers

I know I don't write so much anymore. It doesn't have to do with "the boy" considering I haven't seen him since the weekend, but more that my head is full of "stuff" and I haven't come to any resolution on it yet.

There is only so much complaining you can take from a person, before it just becomes exhausting. Mentally...physically. Your attitude kind of changes where this person is concerned and you find yourself pulling back and rethinking. I know i have my fair share of complaining. We all do but usually it is for valid reason and not just for the sake of it. Make sense?

I have learned the fine art of "sucking it up". When you have to do something you don't want to, or if something doesn't make you feel so great. You do what you have to do. So I have a real problem having sympathy for someone who can't do just that. Suck it up. Take care of business. Be a man. And, it takes me a while, after the luster is lost, to believe that they are just that. I dont' mean to sound cold or mean or like a difficult person, I have needed my "help" too at times and have been very thankful for it and continue to be so. But at what point is it just too much and a person is just lazy?

Oh I know...It's when they are filling a job application and they ask you to do it for them because they get "writer's cramp". Sheesh...

Rosemary

I had the first pain free night of sleep in a really long time. And...yeah...I have to admit that my foot problems were caused by my knee. I needed the boot to heal the Plantar and the Tendon, but had the muscle that ran down the outside of my leg from my knee not been out of wack and made me walk funny, I wouldn't have had the other issues. Now that they are healed, or at least about 80%, and the outside muscles inflammation taken care of with the shot, I feel about as "normal" as I did before this mess many, many years ago. I hope it lasts and hope it helps me to get what I need done to keep it this way. It's freeing. Now that I have a taste of what it can be like, I want to do whatever it takes to keep it.

My WW meeting last night had me bouncing off the walls. :) Finally, a move in the right direction. It's been a stand still for some time, and I am glad I went back to basics and got my butt in gear. It's paying off once again. And a little discipline, never hurt anyone. Woot!

My work...hmmm...my work is interesting. There is nothing on the new job front. I am just trying to make my current situation a little more right in my head until there is something on the new. It's hard though when I feel like I have someone I work with, shooting me down when I am not around. I need to get a bit more forceful with my boss and stand up for myself, that's my own fault, I just need to find the strength to do it. And at the same time, know that I have the right to say what I need to say. Wish me luck.

Happy Monday....really...

Conversations with my Dr.

Dr. C Says: You have Osteoarthritis in your knee. I can give you some anit-inflammatories and a Cortisone shot to help you out until the MRI comes back and we decide if you need surgery. The cortisone shot is up to you.

I Say: Well, will the shot help? Is it worth it?

Dr. C Says: Most assuredly.

I Say: Ok then. Whatever will work, I am game. What are the benefits?

Dr. C Says: The inflammation will go down considerably thus relieving some of the pain you experience. (with syringe in hand) Just lay back.

I Say: Ok.

*poke* !GRIPPING TABLE WITH BOTH HANDS WISHING I HAD A PIECE OF STEEL TO BITE DOWN ON!

Dr. C Says: We're almost done here. Feel any pain?

I Say: Uh...Yeah?! Holy $%?$#%! (I didn't really say anything bad but you can be sure it was in my head. Much like Elaine from Seinfeld and the Subway episode where she is standing there yelling at the other people annoying the "stuff" out of her)

*Lifetime passes before my eyes and I think I am going to throw up*

Dr. C Says: I am sorry about that, but we're all done now.

I Say: *sigh* Dang me, it felt like you put that needle all the way into the joint.

Dr. C Says: I did. *grin* I pulled out some fluid and injected the Cortisone and Novacain.

I Say: Oh, well that explains that.

It was an interesting experience. I kept thinking that this must be what the orthoscopy feels like without anes...without anescep...without drugs. But I am certainly exaggerating. It was a little freaky though. Dang me...

I am glad I did it, however. I can't believe the difference in just a few hours. He said it would get better progressively over the next few days and would last about 6 months. :) yeah! I still have to have the MRI, and possible surgery, but no mention of a reconstruction (Hallelujah!) was uttered.

MY baby comes home in approximately 26 minutes. I am giddy! I can't wait to pet her pretty hair (my Mom is rolling her eyes as she just read that :P) and hug my girl tight in my arms. Ugh...I am chomping at the bit.

It's a good day :)

Bitter Sweets

Did you know that I am a Bluebell? Yep...tried posting it the other day, but the html was all wonky and I really didn't feel like messing with it. So there ya go...

Did you know that I can get my house clean in an hour flat? Yep. Well...cleaned up anyway. Certainly not spic and span and completely sanitized. But certainly presentable.

Did you know that I am missing my baby girl so much, that i took one of her blankets and held it to my cheek. The thought of her being close, when she is so far away, is comforting. I want her home soon. I do.

Did you know that a single glass of wine, or just a little exhaustion, can let your fears (walls) down a little? Yep. Sure can.

Did you know Chris Loves me? Yes...yes he does. :)

Hope you have a good weekend.

Every which way

I am not sure if this post will work...I logged in, it gave me the dashboard, I selected new post and got an error. Hmmph. I went to blogger known issues, didn't find anything pertaining to the issue, hit back on my browser and Walla! Here I am.

Go Figure.

Today has been a whirlwind day. I awoke to no less than 7...S.E.V.E.N. messages on my cell from Chris. He has been working early (5am people) and he likes to call me and leave me sweet nothings on my phone. He knows better than to call my home at such hours. (I had a guy do that before just because he knew I had trouble sleeping sometimes. So he thought he would check to see if I was up. Duh! I was sleeping and do you know how incredibly precious that is to me? yeesh) Anyway, 7 messages of him telling me how great I am. Oh and ya know...how we will be able to say the "L" word soon. We actually had a conversation about that last night. Because he has been bringing it up a lot lately. I just said that I don't take words lightly. So many people say them without truly understanding the meaning behind the ones they choose. Or what actions make them valuable. I explained to him, that I am more of an action girl. If I "L" you, I'll show it in any way I can. "L" is a verb too, afterall...

*many hours later*

See? That's how my days have been going. Complete distraction from any single train of thought. Now I can't remember what it was that I was going to continue going on about. Arg.

Um...hmmmm...

Oh yeah! No..that's not it.

Hey! did you notice I put a new song/artist over there ---> He rocks. My brother turned me on to him a couple years ago. Check it out, you might like it too. :)

I am procrastinating tonight. I have to pack my daughter's stuff for a five day girls only camping trip on the coast. It's a great program put on by the Distrcit Recreation dept. I know she will have fun...but I am going to miss her. So, I keep staring at her sleeping and overnight bags. *sigh* The last Hoorah! before school starts in 2 weeks.

I wanna go dancing. All dressed up, lookin good, a few glasses of wine and boogie my butt down. Doesn't that sound like fun? Ok I just called my friend Christine, cause she is the "party girl" of the friends I have, and she doesn't even know where I can go to get some grooves in. What's with that?

Alright...I suppose I should get to it. I still can't remember what I was going to write from before.

Hodge podge

That's my baby girl. Trying something new. I got to try too. It's my brother's Kayak, but he let any of us that wanted to, take it out. I am in love with the thing. So much so, that I think me and Rachel need to get a couple. How fun would it be to take a Saturday out on the lake (of which we have an abundance here) and spend the day on the water? Much, I say. Where there's a will...

I checked my Gmail tonight. I noticed how my spam has taken on a new look. Just about every one of them were in some foreign language. Interesting...

No news on the job front. I went into the office on my lunch break last Friday, for said interview, but the girl who was to do the interviewing, wasn't there. Go figure. I dropped off the info she requested from me the day before, complete with references and such. She seemed so into me before, with wanting to put me "On the fast track to management..." that I am a little skeptical as to how serious they are. Or, really, how organized. At any rate, I have Faith that I will be where I am supposed to be, when I am. Luckily, I have the means for patience.

Exciting stuff huh? My brain is wonky from lack of sleep and too much thinking...

The sweetest ones to you.

Can't take my eyes off of you

He's cute huh? He was peeking out from this drain, under the old lodge at Odell Lake. I had fun this weekend, I hope everyone else did too. It's such a cool place. We went and checked out some of the cabins they have for rent. They are open year 'round, and we thought it would be great to rent one in the Winter and try our hand at snowmobiling. :) I have to say, I like being with someone that is up for trying new things, right along with me.

Life, can be an adventure, if you let it.

Chris and I talked a bit tonight, about my apprehension. For closeness that is. It isn't that i don't like him, I do...very much so, I just seem to be taking my time or really trying to figure out, how to get back to the kind of person I was where relationships were concerned. I used to be passionate, took risks and sort of a carefree mentality and openess when I was falling for someone. I am different now. And I suppose that all these years of getting beat up emotionally, and beating myself up emotionally, has taken it's toll. I understand better, about walls and the difficulty in breaking them down. The more he talks to me about his feelings for me, all the wonderful things he thinks I am, and how he sees nothing but good things between us, the thicker that wall feels. The more I try to absorb his words and tell myself he is true, that much less the light comes through the cracks in the concrete. It's like I am losing air...

He says he understands and knows I feel the same, and he said he was patient. That I would say how I felt when I could. How odd hmmm? All this time I had wanted to find a person that treated me well, cherished me and protected me and now I am the one having difficulties. This time, I am the one with the problem.

Even so, he sings "You must be too good to be true..."

Tossing rice

I don't believe in Karma anymore. There was a time when I did. I thought "What goes around, comes around." But not so much anymore. I think it just leaves you wondering when those people who did bad things to you, get theirs. But, I only see those "bad" people getting what would seem to be good. So why waste my energy? Not that i sit around on a daily basis just grasping at what little hope I had that something would show them, teach them to be better people. How sad would that be? No, I have been living my life and carrying on, but that little binky part inside me, that nasty dark part, secretly wished a big bucket of mud would befall their big fat head.

And, no, I am not harping on the past. Just expressing the fact that I don't buy into it anymore. I think life just sucks sometimes. How you cope and move past, will be the deciding factor on how your life continues and flows. There is no regard for those you choose to disgard from your present. Other than the fact it was the best one you had made yet. :)

With that! We are going camping this weekend. The whole famdamly. I am excited. It will be so much fun!

Have a great weekend!

Look at the Moose

I am officially legal. I've been driving around with an expired license since my Birthday. Yeah...and in the industry I work in, it isn't exactly good karma. Whatever that means. I actually like my picture too. I thought for sure I had blinked and that it was caught in the photo, seeing as the flash they use on that camera could blind someone with duct tape over their eyes. He kind of caught me mid blink, however. Even with the somewhat sleepy look to my face, it's the best looking drivers license I have yet to own. :) At least it looks like me now. I look happy. The last one was pretty bad. I was a bit dishelved and looking might beat up. (I just moved back to town after...well...just after. :P)

Anywho, I have a job interview already. Kinda makes me nervous, or maybe just more anxious. Do I really want to start over again somewhere else?

Low down

It isn't the boyfriend that is keeping me away, nor the video game that is distracting my attention or the fact that I am super tired come 10pm and find myself already curled into my sheets while talking on the phone with Chris. (Ok maybe a combination of all those things) Work, has been a bear. I am surprised that we have so many, still, moving to our town with the way real estate is going. But they come anyway. A lot of them. From all over the country. Our little town is getting crowded and it's hard to keep up. The cost of living is rising like crazy.

As such, I have started looking for another job. I need one that can keep me afloat. I have been with my company for 5 years, I love my work and most of the people I help, but my boss doesn't find any sort of value in me. Monetary value anyway. See, I don't hold a degree. Without that piece of paper, he has stated that I am not worth much despite how long I have been there and how much I do. (Work experience and knowledge doesn't mean jack to Mr. Golf Shoes.) He has left me no choice. And although the thought of starting over in a new career is scary, I think it would be better for me in the long run. It's sad, I'd love to be able to stay.

I guess that's it...

And many more...

Yesterday, was a good day. As a present to myself, I cleaned my house top to bottom. It was so nice to wake up this morning to everything spic and span. Yes! I get an odd sense of clarity and control when my home isn't run amuck. It gives me peace. I know it's weird and when I would tell people my plans for yesterday, I got a strange expression. My friend, Debbie, thinks I am a neat freak. Like I have some sort of mental issue when it comes to my home being clean. I don't think that is true. (Well, not if you saw it on the weeks when I am working all kinds of hours and busy riegns on the weekends too.) I think neat (I actually typed "meat freaks" but luckily found that little typo :P) freaks would cancel fun stuff just to get things in order. I won't, but there is a little part of me in the background wincing, if someone should mention coming over. A small panic attack ensues until I tell myself "Who really cares?" They like me...not my house. (Don't open the closets however, Pack rats unite!)

Anyway, Chris came to spend the day with me and Rachel (after my cleaning frenzy). He brought me a really nice card ( no Mom, he didn't say those 3 little words but when you open the card, it starts to play "She a Brick House" by KC and the Sunshine Band. :P Ha! He knows me so well already.) He took us to the movies (Which I really, really wanted to go. I said no presents but being together would be perfect. Sharing time is a gift unto itself. It's enough for me. Mostly :P) and then my Mom and Dad took us to dinner. (Thank you :) After that, we met at Ben and Jerry's with the Fam to share in some ice cream. That, to me, is a great B-day. All my favorite people involved (aside from those with prior stuff going on). After that, we just came back to my place, watched a movie (no Brian, we weren't one of the 2 in Ten Million Birthday's that end in complete nudity. *sigh* Maybe next year. :P) and he went home. I cuddled up with my girl to watch another movie on the couch and we both fell asleep. :) It was perfect.

Hope you are enjoying your weekend too.

Whoa Nelly

I don't care what anyone says, Apples DO NOT belong in Oatmeal. Ick. I feel like I need to plug my nose while trying to eat this. No...it should be filled with brown sugar and nice cool milk.

I swear you give an inch and people want to take a foot. Damn it people I only have one right now anyway!? My daughters father wants her for another weekend. Of course, it is a weekend that we already have planned with other activities, so I said no. Technically, according to the agreement, he has visitation with her every other weekend. But, there are a lot of other parts of our agreement that he has not adhered to, so I am certainly not going to fret about denying the request. I am still a little irritated that they just assume that we have nothing happening and plan all kinds of stuff before they even ask me if it's ok. Hello? Do you really think my and Rachel's life revolves around you? Umm...No.

His new interest in his daughter is getting to me though. She has been all mine for the longest time, and now that he is married, he has suddenly started wanting to spend time with her. It is a hard thing to get myself used to. And, it's hard to release the grip.

Good Lord I just cannot eat this oatmeal...

Speaking of letting go, it is still an issue I struggle with. And not just My letting go of something, but being let go of. My point of (almost) no return was when someone I thought understood how it felt, took me in his arms, told me that I needed to tell him that I loved him and when I did, said... "I am not going anywhere. You can trust me." And then, ya know, left, shortly thereafter cause someone better came along. It was the biggest slap in the face, stab in the back, punch in the gut I had ever experienced. It was like someone handing you a winning lottery ticket and then saying "Psyche! Just kidding! *insert manical laughter here* (which I am sure he did.)" I don't think I can ever truly forgive this person for what he did to my insides (that were already twisted in knots). I can move past it, and certainly have, but remnants remain of the fear it produced and instilled.

As such, I am having problems with this new relationship. I feel something and I want to say something too, but dang me I cannot get the words out of my mouth. I just can't. It's like handing myself the noose. He keeps hinting and talking about the future.

What's the hurry anyway? I like it how it is. I feel safe with my feelings locked away tight inside. At least, for now.

Drawing a blank

Can you type a sigh?

Huuuhhhh.

Hmmmmmm.

Uhhh.

Just doesn't have the same effect.

Here is to lot's of socks at your disposal and anything else you can find to drag around Heaven, Annie Fannie. You'll be missed...

Still

We shared,



and talked.



Fished...



And relaxed.

Back Asswards

There hasn't been much for me to say the past couple of days. The anxiety is taking it's toll with me and sometimes it is better for me to remain quiet. I have talked with her since she has been gone, but last night I called her and she had some sort of weird attitude with me. Like I was bothering her. It doesn't surprise me though. I'll hear about all the negatives he has said, when she gets back. It is like detox after she returns. All the things that I try to teach her to do in a good way, he does the opposite. If there is something that she doesn't normally get to have, he will give to her. I then look like the bad guy. It's frustrating, but I have no choice in the matter when she is with him.

I miss her something awful. And am ready for life to be back to normal when she gets back on Monday. Some don't understand why it upsets me when she is with him. But if you walked in my shoes along the path that involves him the last 8 years, you would.



My distraction? Will be going camping tonight with Chris. He seems to be really understanding since I haven't been quite myself. It will be relaxing to fish by the bank of the lake and toast some marshmallows over a fire. My little temporary responsibility will be fine for one night and gives me a much needed break from it's whining and crying and constant need for attention. (Not to mention cleaning up after it's little "accidents". (it's a puppy and it reinforces, once again, the reason why when we do get a dog...it will be a full grown beast.)

Monday, will be a good day. My daughter returns and the puppy goes home. I swear it can't get here soon enough.

I hope you enjoy your weekend.

Like you needed to know...

Blah Blah Blah Blah...ugh. That is about all I hear these days from my co-worker. I think there are only so many more times I can sit here and listen to her tell her life story to each and every person that walks in the door. I could be sitting there, trying to service my client and she will go off about all the things she has done in her oh so short of a lifetime. It's really great that she has had such an opportunity. But she puts off this "air" that she is so much more experienced and really just better than everyone else, attitude. She knows it all, don't ya know.

Grrr.

The PMS minus the P, isn't helping with my patience much, either.

'Course, if she knows Sooo Much, then why is she sending me emails asking me for a phone number? I sent her an email back telling her that I didn't know the number off the top of my head but was certain it would be in the phone book. Open one. Sheesh.

That's my rant for the day. Wish I could be in a better mood, but I feel a bit pulled in different directions. I need to learn to say "NO" better. The past 3 weekends in a row (I am counting the one coming up, cause it's already taken starting last night), I have been doing things for other people. Taking their children, their animals etc... Don't get me wrong, I love to help out, but sometimes it gets a little overwhelming and I feel like any time I might have free, is immediately zapped by someone knowing this and knowing that I will do whatever they ask cause I can't say "NO". It was nice to take off for the beach the other weekend. I had calls from friends and such wanting me to do stuff for them and I had to say "NO", much to their dismay (What?? Michelle isn't available for me to dump the stuff I don't want to do on? How rude!). But ya know, it felt good. It really did.

I guess I had another rant stuffed in there. I suppose I am coming off as quite the jerk today. I feel selfish for complaining about it, 'cause it really does make me feel good to know I have helped someone, but, sometimes, it would be nice if one of my friends called me, just to see how I am doing and not because they need something done for them, by me.

Say Thank You

Rachel, is going to the coast this weekend with her dad and his new wife. I don't think I need to mention how incredibly nervous and anxious this makes me. If you know the situation, then you know she doesn't see her dad. Maybe once a year for the obligatory visit so I can't file for abandonment. Which, I most certainly would if given the chance. (He has always had visitation, he just doesn't use it 'cause, ya know, he is really busy with other things that can't wait. Like running fromthe law and all...) I already consider it an odd blessing that he isn't as present as a normal father should be. And, although I feel sorry that my daughter doesn't have a "Dad" like all children should and need to have, I am thankful that this particular one isn't involved. I don't feel that my daughter needs anyone in her life that is willing to sacrifice her needs and well being for their own gain. He doesn't understand why I feel the way I do, but then again, we're talking about a person that tells me he is "hurt" because his daughter doesn't call him enough. And, why should he call her when she doesn't call him? (nice attitude) I say "When did it become the child's responsibility to parent the parent?" "At what point, does he make an effort to know his own child?"

At any rate, I wish I could put some sort of tracking device on his car or person, so I can make sure he goes to the place he says they are going. (he once tried to flee the state with my daughter and threatened to never let me see her again. I can't let go of that threat. What if he decides to make good on it? Why would it be any different now?)

I am scared. She has never, ever, been gone, with him, for 4 days in a row. I'm sending Angels to be by her side, around her and walking with her.

Guardian Angels

God gave us each an angel
To watch over us with love.
They're always carrying messages
To Him in Heaven above.

They warn us during danger,
Encourage us to do what is right,
And will always guard and guide us,
Throughout the day and night.

God sent them to protect us,
When crisis comes our way,
And to aid us with our problems
That we encounter every day.

Thank You, my God in Heaven,
For our Guardian Angels dear.
They're just a token of Your love
To help us overcome life's fears.

~Shirley Hile Powell