On the brow...

Whew!

I got a clean bill of health from the Dr. Well, minus a few things I need to focus on this year, obviously, but other than that it is nice to know that all my organs and stuff are working like they'otta...WooHoo!

Black and Blue

My poor camera. I dropped it when I went to see Rachel's concert. Luckily, nothing broke. But it is beat pretty good. I haven't been spending much time with it, either. It's lonely and like a car that has been sitting in the drive, it needs it's gears turned. Notice the little indentation on the side of the lens? Yeah...I did that.

"Doh!"

Rachel's visit with her dad seemed to go well. His fiance was very nice. Really nice. Odd to me, seeing as he is, well...who he is. At any rate, my best wishes and prayers go out to her. He was on his best behavior and I was thankful. After the visit, Rachel and I went to see Nanny McPhee. Great movie. I laughed, I cried and rooted for the happy ending.

Tomorrow, is a big day. Not only is it a Monday, but I have my follow up with the Dr. I am interested and nervous to see how my tests came out. I also have my first weigh in at Weight Watchers. That, I am sure, is going to go well. :)

In Central Oregon...

I haven't been posting as much as I normally do. I am not sure why, except that life is pretty basic right now. I go to work, concentrate, for the most part, on this weight loss and do what I normally do each day. I don't have much to fret about or past issues that are haunting me. Well there are always, it seems, certain issues that spook, but I manage through those daily. Ther eisn't anything I can do to change the past, however much I don't like it, so I concentrate on the day at hand...

Today, my focus is the fact that Rachel's father is coming to visit. I am not to thrilled about it. And my mind has been going through all the different kinds of scenarios that could take place. I think about what stunt he is going to pull now that he is getting married and feels righteous for some reason. And I think about Rachel's heart. It has been shattered by this man over and over for so many years, and I see the hope in her that he will make it right with her. I worry, about his version of "right" and what the future holds in that relationship. I wish I had an invisible blanket to wrap around her. One that protects her heart and her mind from him. It is frustrating just thinking about it, much less having to deal with it.

Other than that, today is a gorgeous day. The sun is shining brightly on the new snow, the crystals sparkling against the rays of hope.

Tickled

So, I started Weight Watchers this week. (See The Great Slim Down 2006 over on the links) Now, I am a bit of a skeptic. About many a thing...especially when it comes to dieting. I just think, "...it won't work for me." But ya know? After just doing it for a couple days, eating a ton of food (which I am not used to) I am losing. I got on the scale this morning, and TaDa! Wholly schmolians, Batman! I have lost a couple few pounds. Now, I am guessing that with all the healthy stuff I am eating and cutting way back on my salt and fat intake, that much of this weight is water. But who cares! Weight is weight, and as my Mom said, the water weight was counted as weight in the total to begin with, so it should be counted in what comes off. I can't wait for WWIN4 next week.

I am still amazed, however, that I can eat so much flipping food. I mean...a lot. And here I felt that if I stuck anything in my mouth, I would gain. After just a couple days, I find myself hungry in the morning, for lunch and for dinner. And...it is OK to eat. Ha!

4 to 1

I have to say, I feel good today! I don't know why exactly...maybe cause I actually ate decent, got my exercise and stuff. I dunno. I think I am excited because I am looking forward to being a thin and sexy me. Yes...I can get sexier than I already am. Hey! I am sexy...just in a soft and squishy sort of way. Don't even bring your thermometer near me in a few (x2) months... :P

~

My baby girl is sick...again. One of her closest friends was down for a week with this nasty bug, and now Rachel has it. I picked her up last night before my meeting, and all I had to do was look at her face. The flushed skin, glazed eyes and droopy nature was all I needed to see. Poor baby...

~

The bonehead sperm doner is coming for a visit this Saturday with his Fiance. He wants to take Rach out for lunch and some time at the fun center. Oh goody. I am getting the impression, that this woman he is marrying is under the guise that he is some attentive and caring father. Since his announcment of engagement, he has been calling me every week. Not to talk to Rachel, but to ask me one thing or another. I am not used to having to hear his voice so often. I preferred it when it was only once a year, if that. I know this man very well. And I can only imagine what his comments regarding me, were to his soon to be wife. You can bet that I will be as sweet as cherry pie come this Saturday.

~

I am chomping at the bit for my new furniture. I sit, in my newly rearranged living room, envisioning the new look. I am hoping it arrives this week. The store said it could take up to three weeks but usually hits around two. I am gunning for two.

Well-meaning

Ya know....I had written this whole post just now about my Dr.'s appt today (it went well except I am going back next week for test results), about depression (no I am not depressed) and how so many people choose to live their lives, numb.

And then I turned around, from my computer to watch the TV. I watched the last scene of "Related". I have come to kind of like this show. It plays right after 7th Heaven (Rachel's favorite) and just after she goes to bed. I hear it in the background while I type most Mondays. I listen to their dialogue, laugh at their light jabs at one another in the name of sibling rivalry and tonight? Tonight I got all teary in the last scene.

Anne, the second to the oldest of the sisters, talked about how she had this recent realization. One that stems from the fact that her Older sister, Ginnie, wanted to ask her to be the Godmother of her unborn child. She had realized how she was living her life in the wake of a breakup with a man that she had once thought she would marry. She was being careless, risky and not living as a responsible adult. (as far as relationships were concerned) Anyway, she began talking about how she had dealt with the loss of the man (her long time boyfriend) but didn't realize, that she hadn't dealt with the loss of the dream. That one of having the nice home with the picket fence and the children running about. That one of raising a family with a partner, together. 'Course it isn't like it will never happen. It's TV. Who know's what the writers will produce.

But it got me thinking. And it made me realize what I couldn't voice in my own breakups. It wasn't just the guy I was sad over. Obviously, that particular guy wasn't the one for me, or me for him. We broke up, how much of a smack in the face do you need? But it was that loss of that dream, I guess. I suppose, to some, it isn't much of a dream. But since I was a little girl, playing with my baby dolls, all I ever wanted was to be a Mom and a Wife. I just naturally thought it was the way it was going to be. I did get the Mom part. To a beautiful little girl. Of that, I am so proud. But it isn't exactly how I thought it was going to go. That is what I struggle with from time to time. That's all...

My bell

I think I am officially out of steam. I kept myself busy this weekend, as to ward off the thinking too much (I am a little nervous about the whole Dr. thing), and steam cleaned my carpets (I still have to do my bedroom), rearranged my living room (I never knew how big it really was) and put together the new end tables and lamps I got a huge deal on today (ya got to love clearance!). I also went through some things and am clearing some space. There was just too damn much stuff in this house. Clutter drives me nutty. But I am just as guilty of it as anyone (Why was I saving a phone book from 2004?).

My home looks so different. Now all I need is my new sofa and chair and I am good to go (fingers crossed it comes this week). I think I have succeeded (thus far) in re-doing my home. I wanted to make a fresh start this year. In all areas of my life. I think I am making good time, and by the end of the month, I can check this one off the list!

Do you hear that?

Listen real close...

Hear it? There it is again...

It's my bed...

Cuento hasta diez

I am bored.

I exercised. I beat myself up cause I don't seem to be getting anywhere. (Of course after the goodies of last night, I can't imagine why?)

Anyway, these are the times when I miss having someone to talk to into the wee hours of the night. Rachel is sleeping. The kitties are doing their thing...whatever you call jumping up and attacking thin air and the fish...are well...doing fish stuff.

I suppose I could clean. Or, organize something... I could play a video game. Lord knows, I have enough of them. I could read. I did just go to Barnes and Noble and pick up the book I keep getting told I need to read.

I could go out and clean the nasty orange stuff that the neighbor kids threw at the front of my house. Little bratz...er I mean...boogers.

I could just go to bed and not think about being lonely. But then there is morning...and it will come too quick if I go to bed now.

Yeah...I am bored.

Erin's fan club

Rachel had her first Choir concert last night. She was awesome, as usual. I was amazed at how well these kids did. For sixth graders that just took up an instrument, they were up there with high school level, I would say. Really good, and very impressive.



No, it's not on the diet. But dang me if it wasn't just the thing to round off a fun night.



I love the moments like last night. Me and Rachel with my Mom. It is an interesting feeling to be sitting there, laughing and talking with the three generations. It is something that about 14 years ago I didnt' think could happen. And here I am in the thick of it. It makes me appreciate what I have. It makes me appreciate the people I call family and the fact that I was given what I honestly feel is a blessing.

Obligatory

Yes...yes it's me. I am here. Lurking about my own website.

I think I have been having some sort of, I dunno, mental break, in a way. After having my home filled with guests for 3 weeks, I just turned off. For the most part anyway. I have been thinking too much the past couple days, which doesn't help. It makes my mind fill with a bunch of "stuff" and then it creates a sort of blockage in the drain. I will sit here looking at my blank screen, unsure and unable to clear my thoughts. So I give up, play a rousing game of "Granny in Paradise" and then go off to bed.

I need some spice in my life. Something that makes my heart go pitter patter with excitement.

I did just buy a treadmill...

Like a limb

I received the invitation to my daughters father's wedding today. It was, ya know, interesting. The invitation that is. It is for a wedding chapel in Vegas. You can actually go online and view the wedding. There was no RSVP with the invite. No phone number to call, no little card to write my response on etc. Perhaps he was trying to not give me another opportunity to say no. I'll find a way...anyway.

Looking at the online site, was kind of funny. You can view other peoples weddings. Some had this look of shock on their face. Or, maybe it was just my perception. I couldn't help but be curious and I couldn't help but to giggle to myself. Frankly, if I were to ever get married again, give me barefeet and a sundress on some exotic island in the sunshine. Yup Yup.

Speaking of, that sort of thing, I haven't heard from lunch date guy since before Christmas. I pretty much figure he met the woman of his dreams. That always happens. And, we went out to lunch about 5 times I think, that should about do it. The dream girl should have come a long by now. All the best to him...really.

Life is good, despite the sound of my post. I am looking forward to what this year has to hold.

Water colors

I am thankful for today. It's Friday.

*insert obnoxious laughter and snorting here*

I know this is going to sound odd...but I am looking forward to my Dr.'s appointment a week from Monday. It has been a while since I have had a physical. One of the reasons I haven't gone, is because of the lack of insurance and money. Another...is my absolute fear of Dr.'s. It stems from the death of my adoptive father and it has been hard to shake. But this time, it feels different. Maybe because I am so tired of feeling, not right. I keep thinking of my age, my daughter and how I want to be healthy enough to enjoy my grandchildren someday. Someday far away, I hope...but someday, nonetheless. I would also like it, that if there were any guy that actually felt I was worth his time shared, that it wouldn't be spent nursing me to health cause I didn't take care of myself. Make sense? Not that I think there is any guy at all out there that would, but hey? Ya never know...

In just a couple of days, I will have my home back. Just me and Rach, doing our "thing". We are both looking forward to a little time to ourselves.

What to expect...

*sigh* It is those pictures I look at of Rachel, that makes me yearn for another.

Baby that is...

I loved being pregnant, and I love being a mom. I read everything out there to do with pregnancy, the babies development at every stage, and I analyzed every movement. I wanted to treasure the experience and remember each moment. I can honestly say that it was the best experience of my life. And still is. I am inexplicably thankful for the one opportunity I was given.

I guess that is why it bothers me, when I see other mothers out there, that feel their children are such a burden. They have been blessed with not just one child, but two or three. They treat their having another child as some sort of bad event in their life that has brought them down. I know it is a lot of work. There is a lot of sacrifice, expense and time invested. But I don't see it as an obligation, I see it as a desire. A want, to provide for my baby and make her life the best it can be.

I am not trying to make myself sound like some sort of super mom or something, I just don't understand how some parents can put their regrets and wishes for different decisions, on that of an innocent child.

Cha-Ching

Rachel, two years old at the county fair. Cutest little turtle I ever saw...

Two and a half hours later, the Treadmill is together. Sheesh...it was a workout just doing that! Now I am too tired to walk on it. Go figure. It is kind of an odd feeling to spend that kind of money on something other than bills. But it sure is nice to not have the bills anymore to pay. Let's pray they stay away...

I also picked out and paid in full, some new furniture for the living room. It is about time too. My couches are pretty old. We're talking, 'Rachel doesn't remember anything other than these couches' and she is 11. When I got them, they were already used. I am now actually buying new furniture. I have never had new furniture. I am so excited. :P

2006. This is the year I fix myself. It is the year I get healthy, the year I get my debt to income ratio in my favorite color of green (My new sofa and chair are in a pretty shade of sage green in micro-suede. And how funny is it that I am talking about debt but yet, buying stuff?) and the year my daughter and I take a bonafide vacation. I am done wondering and worrying about having another relationship. If it happens, then great, if not, then I am damn happy with what I've got.

And that is more than anything I could have asked for.

Needy

*pushing*

I...want...to *sigh* blog...

Just...a minute...to myself. Somewhere. somehow...

Ugh.

Jimmy Neutron said it best...

This is my kitty on drugs. She was hurt last night, either by a dog or large cat. She crawled, barely, into the house last night at eleven. The pain she displayed made me think she was hit by a car and had a broken bone. But as the vet discovered, it is just a puncture wound to her leg muscle. Poor baby girl. She is feeling rather good now, however. :P

Now that my Mom has made it home safely, I have Lindsay for the next week. Her folks are in Mexico. So far, the conversation tonight has consisted of pus and mucus. Nasty. I swear I dont' remember talking about that kind of gross stuff when I was eleven and twelve. I have to say that they have been getting along really well. The giggles are infectous.

I took them tonight to Macy's and let them try on every formal gown and dress they could find that interested them. It was a lot of fun, and quite the eye opener to the fact that we will be seriously shopping for formals in the next few years. Yeesh.

I am beat, and I don't think the laughing and goofing off will end unless I leave the room...

Sweet dreams.

An answered one

It was midnight, and she was stirring again. I was playing a video game in my room, laying on my bed and she walked in. She stumbled around with her words for a minute, and then grabbed my hands and told me that she was proud of me. Not more than 15 minutes after I had written my post. She said "I am so proud of how you have raised Rachel and I know that it has been difficult for you." I said "Thank You. How much I appreciated her words and that I couldn't have done anything without the support of my family here, my family in California and how much I appreciated the support in whatever shape it took."

It was something, and I was happy with that. We sat and talked about Christianity, which was rather an odd conversation to hold with her. She doesn't believe in God or Christ. I told her that I did, and that I believe in my heart of hearts that it is real. SHe feels that religion as a whole is just something for people to hold on to because they are weak. I told her she was right, in a sense, that as humans we are weak but that weakness and dependability on our Faith isn't meant to be an excuse to not take ownership of our own responsibilities. Life is a lesson. That what we learn from the choices we make in any given situation, is what will determine the growth we achieve. Being a better person, each day and serving our fellow man does more to produce and serve our "own agendas" than any selfish motivations. And, it is a much more rewarding way to go, I say.

I think I was going off the deep end and am not sure she really heard me talking. But I think I got her thinking that there is life after death...that is something more beyond this life as we know it. Maybe...just maybe.

See ya real soon...

I take my mom to the shuttle at 6AM tomorrow. Our visit was sort of...there. I am not sure how to explain it. She was her usual quirky/odd self. I was my usual stand offish self. I didn't get too close, I didn't strive to work out past issues, I just let it be what it was. And now, I wish it could have been better. I wish the past would have melted away and evaporated into thin air. Funny how scars can suffocate and create a barrior. I understand it's protection, but I don't like it's titanium like toughness. I don't know that if it were different, that it would have been good. I think it is just that part of me that always wants something to be good, to be better. I dont' do well with acceptance, to me...it is like giving up. To just accept something as it is, when you know it could be so much more, just doesn't seem right. I am not talking about how some look at the other side of the fence and say the grass is greener, I am talking about working with what you've got, finding joy and the good in what you already hold in your hand. It's different...

I wanted to hear something good from her about my life. Maybe that is selfish, I dunno. I just wanted to hear her say she is proud of me. In some way, about some aspect of it...but all I got was what I was doing wrong and how I could do better. "You shouldn't be doing 'this' Michelle and you need to change 'that'." Ok...well, what about this and that and what about the other thing? Does she only see that things I need to do better? Does she really think I am not aware of these things? Why does she still treat me like I am an 8 years old when I have raised a child on my own that is nearly 12? And look at her? Is she not absolutely wonderful in every sense? I sure as hell think so. And she didn't get that way on her own.

It frustrates me, and yes...it even angers me. How many times do I have to apologize for being a burden on her life? How many times and for how many years do I need to carry around guilt for something I had no control over? How many times do I have to apologize for not creating a life that she deems as acceptable? So I don't have a lot of money, I don't have a big fancy house in the city or expensive cars. Maybe I don't want those things...ok the "a lot of money" part would be great. But I like living in a small town with a cozy house. There is a lot to be said for simplicity.

I am ranting, I know. I think I just needed to. For two weeks I have held in the urge to look at her and say "NO! You are not allowed to make me feel this way!" On the other side of that, I know that no one can "make" you feel anything. It your choice, your decision to take those words heard and put meaning and truth behind them. But it's hard when they are words you had heard so many times, gestures, looks, and implications that riddled your youth. It is hard to take those same things now, and look at them in a new way.

Anyway, Rachel and I are planning a trip to Disney World in Florida this year. I think we need a bonafide vacation. I really wanted Hawaii...but I think Rach would have more fun with Mickey.

10 Cents a Glass

I honestly thought she had taken her straw, filled it with lemonade and shot it straight at my daughter across the table. We were at Izzy's last night, taking advantage of their salad bar. Rachel yelped and I saw the steady stream of liquid hit her face, her shirt and then up over her head to the table behind us. "What in the world" I thought...I looked over at my visiting Mom...minding her own business of chomping on a Pepperoncini (yes that is the correct spelling, even though it doesn't look right) She had bitten into it and it squirted all over the place. I first checked my daughter to make sure the pepper juice hadn't gone into her eye and when I saw that she was ok, I sat agast at how much juice was in that sucker. "Mom....MOM...you are squirting pepper juice everywhere!" I said cleaning the mess from the booth and wall.. "Huh?" she looks up. "The pepper Mom...it exploded." "Oh...ok." she says as she gets up to head off for seconds. Rachel gave me that knowing look, one we have developed with each other over the past few days that says..."It's almost over mama..."

My adopted mom and I have never had much of a mother/daughter relationship. It was more one of tolerance. Even when I was a child, I had a nanny. I thought of her as my mother rather than the ominous figure my adopted mother's shadow cast. I called my nanny, Grandma, Grandma Jo. She was sweet, loving and hugged me all the time. She made cookies and tea for us when we came home from school and read us books. She would sprinkle a tiny bit of salt on our apples and even peel them if we asked. She would let me wear my shiny red Mary Janes out to play. I cried the day my adopted mom sent her away, I was 8.

It was at that time, that I got to know who this person was I called Mom. And it really didn't get much better. In fact, it was worse. I was an inconvenience etc...and in the way. I have already gone on about some of the things that went on, in this blog, and there are some I just would rather never mention, the thoughts alone are enough. At any rate, I guess my point or where I am trying to go with this is that, I don't like my adopted mom. I love her...but I don't like her. I can be civil, courteous and respectful. I can chit chat, help her and listen. But I can't seem to find my way to be her "friend". I feel bad about that.

A finger in my eye

I got a lot going through my head. I am not offering excuses for not posting, really. Frankly, I have just been tired. With my adopted mom visiting, it has kept me pretty busy and a little paranoid with someone watching my every move. It's an odd feeling when you sit down to eat your turkey sandwich on your lunch break and have someone staring at you while you eat. Not just watching, but staring, directly at you, about 6 inches from your face. I am trying hard not to write about it. I am trying hard to be patient. I am trying hard to just get through this visit without any altercation in which something ugly could be said. I really don't want that to happen. I just want it to happy, however much I have to hold my frustration under a big fluffy pillow smothering it to death.

So...I plan on posting again later. Really...