Put some glue on that...

Ya know, when you can't just go and have a giant greasy Cheeseburger, smothered with Pepper Jack cheese and bacon, a Boca burger is a nice substitute. That, or I am just desperate. :P

Dinner was late tonight. Rachel has been gone camping (I miss my baby and am sometimes at a loss when I don't have her needs to consider first) and I have been just fending for myself. I came home from work tonight, and instead of going and working an extra night on the extra job, I fell asleep. For about 2 hours. Luckily, my sister gave a call to go on our nightly walk. It was good (thank you Sarah!) and got my blood going. I then spent the next 2 and half hours on the phone. Each time I talk with this guy, we tack another several minutes onto our conversations. We were well on our way to 3 hours, when we thought we should get some sleep. But I was hungry...

It's funny how certain things trigger our memories. I remember reading on Trixie's site about triggers. And I thought I would like to do that, the writing exercise, but couldn't really think of anything at the time. It made me think that I was sliding back and losing touch with "myself". (which was hard to get back after a long time of conforming married to my daughters father) I get so caught up in work and home responsibilities, I forget myself sometimes. Such is one of the reasons for having a journal. Anyway, In talking with this "guy" (I really need to think of a name for this one) I have been having all sorts of triggers. He grew up in the same town as me in California. He visited all the same places, cruised the same streets, went to the same clubs and grew up doing the same types of things. Our likes are similar, cravings, the stuff we actually miss about California in general and the stuff we absolutely don't. We talk about how we love it here in Oregon, all the beautiful and glorious reasons to stay here and how so many people, not all, (down there) lack the ability to just...notice. I explained my reason for feeling connected when I take pictures. Why photography is fulfilling to me. You have to stop, focus and listen. You listen with your eyes, your heart and your mind. It forces you to step away from your own concerns and hurry, to see something and hopefully capture it, instead of just walking past.

They've been some interesting conversations. Where you lose the sense of time in the present. And while he agreed that the past doesn't define who you are now, they certainly are a piece of the puzzle that make up who you are becoming. And it's ever changing and growing.

I just know that when it comes the time for me to put that last piece in place, I hope I leave a pleasing picture.

Pullin the chain

I've tried thinking of something I needed to write about to get out of my head, and while there are many things I could...the words just aren't there. That, or I just don't feel the importance in it to give it a life on here. Work, is busy, my co worker is being a butt but I am chalking it up to the fact that she is immature, selfish and doesn't know when her "jokes" have gone too far. I met a guy that thinks I am "adorable" and can't wait to see me this weekend (that is so weird to me). He was also the first one to ask about Faith. What I believed, how and what Church I attended. I then had to suck it up and tell the truth that I hadn't been going to Church. My Faith is still strong, nothing has changed there, but that I still find it hard to go, alone. He understood though and went on to tell me his testimony. I was impressed. I was also a little surprised. In talking with him the past couple of weeks, I wasn't sure if he had just said he was Christian cause he felt he needed to pick something or if he really knew what that meant. Turns out, he is just a regular old "joe" like me, that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is more.

**Oh...and i just wanted to come back and add something. In a somewhat joking way, I had always said that when I meet the guy that is the right one, he would have a note from God himself, saying so. (Since I seem to be so bad at choosing) Well, I didn't get a note when this guy came by my office yesterday to see me, but he did hand me a pen. Yes, a pen. Kind of an odd gesture and gift, but it made me think...curious hmmm? And, I handed him (a pen) right back. :)

Anyway, I wasn't going to talk about it was I? I think I just gave it life beyond my head...scary.

Today we climb the hump...give me strength.

Nachooooooo...

I think my daughter has had like a 4 day birthday. It's over...and I am a little glad. I'm pooped. I am not sure how to top it next year. I overheard one of the girls say, at 2am this morning, that "Rachel? You have the BEST birthday parties Ever."

I am going to have to rent a dance hall by the time she is 16.



They had fun though. And, I like being known as the "cool" mom within her friends group. Although I don't think Rachel thought I was so "cool" at 3:30am this morning when the serious voice came out and told them all to knock it off for the night.

Quote of the night -

"Chancho, When you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants, in your room...just for fun."

And white ones too

Happy Birthday my baby :)

You are growing so fast. Still, such a little girl in my mind but outwardly, so grown. It's hard to combine the two sometimes. I still want to snuggle you on my lap, fill your sippy cup with "joose" and watch Sesame Street while we giggle at Big Bird. I miss those days of my little girl. I wondered what you would be like now. "What would she look like? How would she be?"

And now I see, just how blessed I am. You are so full of Love, Faith, Humor and Grace. You are as much a Joy now, as you were then. Your smile still lights up my world, your laugh...tickles and your sensitivity to others inspires me. Our time together is different now, but just as precious and just as valuable.

I Love You, a million red gummi bears.

They

I'm procrastinating. I am good at that. Even though I have learned that it gets me nowhere. I need to clean, I need to wrap presents and I need to well...more stuff. My head is just filled with the cleaning part right now. Which is inclusive of my entire property. It's overwhelming me, when I know it won't be so bad once I get started. I'll get in that groove where I won't want to stop and even a phone call will seem like a nuisance.

So, while I try to psyche myself up to just getting started, I am roaming on the net. I read some funny stuff. Some things that are funny to me, but really are just kind of pitiful. Just makes me chuckle.

I think there are some people that have been in my life, for whatever reason or purpose, that I just don't think I will ever feel differently about. They may have changed, or made better choices or really just transformed who they are inside. The fact remains, I only know the person they were with me. The experience I shared with them and the actions or non action taken. That is what I know, that is what I have learned from and that is all I have to go by. Granted, some people deserve a second chance. Some, deserve reconsideration. Some, that want to make it better, heal and move past, the past. But then there are some, that just suck. No two ways about it, it's a given.

It isn't anger, lack of forgiveness or even sadness. It's simply what it is.

I just realized how dirty the mini blind in my kitchen is.

Ew.

The low down

I stopped the whole online thing. Again. There is only so much disappointment, or rejection or lying...that one person can subject themselves to at one time. It gets old really fast. There is one person I am still talking with, aside from Kelly (yes he is still hovering wanting to be "friends"), so we will see how that goes. If it doesn't, I am done for a while. Life is so busy in the Summer anyway. I am sure loneliness of some form will set back in eventually.

My house is a sty. In true Tech fashion, I need some Hot Maid (a male one) dressed in something skimpy, to come and clean it for me. While I sit on the couch. Not really...it would actually drive me nuts knowing someone other than myself was cleaning my home.

I started walking again this week. It does a body good. Not only exercise wise, but it helps me sleep...hard. I don't make it much past 10pm and I am falling. I fell asleep last night, with my phone clutched in my hand, texting with Kelly. Ha! I suppose I left him wondering for a change. At any rate, my scale loves me again. Not so much at my WW meeting this week.

Tomorrow is my baby girl's birthday. I hope I can make it the best one yet for her...

I'm full

I like lilypads. And the lilies that accompany them...but I took this one at my daughters father's house. We drove out to Elmira, Oregon to see him on Saturday. Well, actually I figured it was a good idea because then I could spend some time in Eugene shopping for my daughter's birthday and yet be the good guy and take my baby to see her "dad". I admit my motives weren't exactly, completely honorable. I still find it odd to call him her "dad". I still find it inconceivable, that I was once married to him. And that, ya know...we had a child. She is the blessing from that situation. And for that and that alone, I am glad for it all. But dang, it still blows my mind.



After a yummy Father's day breakfast this morning and some whirlwind shopping, we went to the free Sunday in the park concert. This is why I love where I live. This is why I am willing to bear through the cold winters (which aren't really as bad as others) and sometimes wet Springs. Every weekend from the end of May, through September, there is something to look forward to each weekend. Whether it's a free Sunday concert, some festival or event, there is something. Today was Mingo Fishtrap . They are one of my fav's. They come every Summer with an awesome performance and today was no exception.



Hanging with my family is always fun. Ok...ok we have our moments, but I have to say I really do value these times. The kids are little, full of energy and smiles which only serves to make you smile too. How can you not like that?

I am sentimental tonight. Partly 'cause, well, I am a girl and we just have those moments. Mostly once a month :P But partly, 'cause it just feels good to feel a part of something.

You can pick your friends...

My living room...is littered with remnants of school. Tomorrow is the "actual" last day, but today, everything came home. Good golly...

Conversations with Rachel

Her: Today, in school, Miss Mills read our poetry out loud. And everyone thought that the poem I had written was actually by someone else. Isn't that COOL!"

Me: You mean you think it's COOL that everyone thought your poem was by someone else?

Her: Yeah, 'cause the person that they thought it was, is a really good poem writer.

Me: I see. Maybe, You are a good poem writer too.

I read the poem. I like it...but I like this one, the Best.

What The Mirror Says by Rachel Anne

I see a young girl, wise and strong
With eyes blue and legs long
A woman she's not
And yet a girl is too little
While hoping for more
She's stuck in the middle

*weepy*

Two flipping years from High School.

Today has been a day. Just ask my Mom. I think I had her in stitches earlier. See, I had a date. Sorta, it was a coffee date. And I made it quick, friendly and tried not to show any fear. I told my Mom, that this is a classic case of online dating. A classic case of Why, you shouldn't. I don't want to be mean, I am sure he will find someone to love him just as he is, earwax and all. Don't ask.

But let me just add one thing, and this should go down in the Dating Book of Etiquette, at NO point should any party stick a finger in ANY orifice while chatting with said person.

That's all I have to say.

Annie go get 'em

I have to stick by my guns right? I have to stand up for what I believe is right for me, not someone else, in order to live honestly? right? I have to risk looking like a witch with a capital B in order to do so? Even if I put it in as nice a way as I can think of.

So why does it make me feel bad?

Kelly sent me a message last night. I got it this morning. I wrote him back explaining that he must have sent it to me by mistake. And, that perhaps he should remove my cell number from his phone so that he doesn't confuse me with one of his "other" hook ups. That, I would appreciate it. He wrote and said, "I was only saying hello. It won't happen again. :(" I wrote back and said " Sorry Kelly, but I am looking for someone that wants me and just me. I am not good being one of many..."

It's a fine line, I know, between saying that you only want to date one person and keeping options open. But when you are willing to go to a level of intimacy that should only be shared with one person, that is when you cross that line. I know, too, that most men don't see a line. (The world of dating is one giant football field.) They don't even have a clue that one exists. Which is fine. Live the way you choose to do so, life is all about choices, but don't expect me to choose you or feel that you have value in my life when you don't have that for me. I have more worth than that. I have learned, and am still learning...

But it still kind of sucks, and I am not sure why.

And she was

So, had a Dr.'s appt this morning and I had to give more blood than any one human being should ever be required to give...

I am happy to report, however, that my blood pressure is perfect. Absolutely perfect. I attribute that to my weight loss, but I swear, just as I think the same of my scale, I have never seen me and that number associated before. This is a weird journey...

So, because I was depleted of so much of my needed blood, I found myself starving and headed for the grocery before returning to work. I go straight for the produce and am stopped by the produce "guy".

"Soft fruits are in full glory this time of year." Huge grin plastered on his face, and a nectarine gripped in each fist.

Glory? I think..."Ok...that's great. I just want some Cherries and can you tell where the grapefruits are?" I ask.

"Well, let me get a bag for you! The grapefruits, are right there, aren't they beautiful?" He points and opens a bag up so I can plop some cherries inside.

"Thank You..."

Now, I know it doesn't look like much. But seriously, I felt like I was in some sort of commercial. Or he was on something. He was so boisterous and happy and cheery. It took me off guard, and while that used to be the normal attitude in this town, it has changed a lot over the years. It's getting big around here, which also makes anonymity.

Anyway, I have now eaten about a pound of fresh Cherries. Yum...and ick... They are so good for you with all the Vitamins A and C, and potassium, but you can only do so much before you have to push the bag away.

Wonky

Far and away...my most favorite. Balloons Over Bend was this weekend. I love this event. And this years, was just as good. Even better with the company. :)

I had about 3 hours sleep last night. It's 12:30 and my pillow is calling me home...

In a shell, you can hear it

It's these moments of absolute quiet that puzzle me. When everyday in the week has passed, with me at a run trying to make it to the next thing and then all of a sudden, I am at a complete stop. There is nothing. No one wanting something, or needing me. The house is clean, laundry done. I wonder what to do and what I am for. Those thoughts that can I either take you to a high or an extreme low if you let them. I tend to like a happy medium mostly. But I get extremes. I need to find a way to moderate it all. Spread it out. I keep myself busy as much as possible to keep the thoughts from coming. But then, inevitably, I'll run out. It's easier to stay positive, telling yourself what is best, when you don't have time to think on the negatives or what you could have done different.

I reserved a weekend at the coast for me and Rachel in July, today. My sister Sarah referred me to this place that sits right on the beach. Just outside your sliding door, lies the path. It's a part of the Oregon coast I haven't been to, so I am thinking it is going to be fun to explore. Lots of beach combing, lighthouses and in July, there is a garden show and music festival. We might even throw in a 2 hour horseback ride along the ocean one day. It sounds dreamy. It's my most favorite place to be. I wish we were there now...

Stones and Miles

You know you have been on the internet too much lately, when you go to sign your initials on some documents and you write "com" (as in .com) instead. Sheesh...

So, what's been going on the past few days? Hmmm?

Aside from Blogger having issues, all is ok. I do appreciate them getting stuff figured out, in a pretty timely manner. This service is free, there isn't much room for complaining.

You might be happy to know, I just told Kelly to go pound sand. Well, not in so many words. I was nice, of course. It's just better this way. I know I said he hit a lot of thing right on for me, but I think it was those things that aren't good for me, that he hit on. I need to move past being attracted to people like that. I honestly can't trust someone like him. And how is there ever going to be a true friendship, much less relationship, when someone lies to you? (I even ran a background check on him. But those don't tell you about a persons character. You take your chances with that, whether online or offline.) Why not just move on from here before anymore feelings get hurt? I really tried to tell myself that I was just being hard on him, etc...but making excuses for other people and not abiding by my own feelings is what gets me in trouble. So I am moving forward. :)

My baby girl's 12th birthday is 2 weeks from today. T.W.E.L.V.E. My sweet pea...I remember when she was 2. *sigh*

Maybe so

It's a beautiful Spring day here in Central Oregon. It's about 75 degrees, flowers bloomed and on my way back to the office from my lunch break, I saw a cloud in the shape of a moose.

Truly.

I thought, "..how strange to see a moose in a cloud?" I think it was a first for me. Even with all the times that me and Rachel played the game of "Name that cloud" I don't think I have ever seen a moose.

Anyway, it is pretty today. I decided, after the drama of last week unfolded, that I am just going to keep my options open, too. I normally like to put myself into something whole heartedly, but really? How can you when you know the same isn't being extended to you? (We talked and everything is supposedly OK, we'll see how it goes.) Right..so now I am busy answering emails from prospective "options". Yeesh. It gets a little monotonous having to be "open" and going over your life story with each and every one of them. Good Lord. I still think playing the field is anything but sincere. It's sort of like going over a checklist...of all my values, hopes, desires. Then, of course, I have my own basic assessment of them. A few are...

1. Ever been arrested?
2. Ever had a restraining order against you?
3. Do you stand taller than 5'11", without shoes on?
4. Do you smell? and is that in a good way or bad?
5. Is that really your picture or one of those models in the picture frame at the drug store?
6. Any white stuff that accumulates in the corner of your mouth when you talk for long periods of time? If so, it is an automatic and immediate exclusion from further conversation.
7. Can you spell? This is a must as online communication is a given and reading about how I am "So purtie an reelly a good with the camerah." kind of drives me nuts.

I think I will just end that there...trust me, there's more.

Anyway, I still like Kelly. He hit a lot of stuff right on for me. But, I will keep my eyes open for now. I am not so sure how serious he is about me still, after all my nervousness the week prior to our date and the other crud, the week after. Our communication has all but hit a brick wall. But, I am not going to obsess about it either. If it works out, great, if not, eh..that's just how it is.

It's my party

Why blog?

My workmate, doesn't understand the concept. "Why in the world would you want or even need to put your personal 'stuff' out there for everyone to read? It just doesn't make sense to me. I think it's stupid." She asks, and insults.

Aside, from my personal viewpoint on how she runs and displays her own life, I can understand her lack of understanding. Everyone is different in their beliefs, convictions and operations. Everyone has their own individual outlets, ways of communicating, or not, whether they are creative and how they view beauty. I could go on and on.

As such, I can only explain why it works for me. Not only is it a diary of sorts (with limitations), but it is also a creative outlet for me. It motivates my photography, writing and learning the in's and out's of web page design (which wasn't expected but just kind of comes with the territory if you want to make it your own). I know anyone can read it and it isn't so much about recognition or wanting that. I think if I did, I would advertise it more than just having it available on a simple search if someone knew what they were looking for. It's also a place for me, to be me. I can say what I like, display what means the most to me, how I love, how I hurt and really just let myself out. I can't tell you how many times in my life, I set my own aside to satisfy or appease someone else. And to what end? The only one was left feeling lonely, forgotten and unworthy. This is my place of self worth. It gives me importance. And no matter if that makes you feel sad for me or even a pathetic view, It doesn't really matter to me. 'Cause...it's my page. Simple as that. At any rate, it is creativity that suits my needs. It's technical, hardly time or money consuming and I can utilize it whenever I have the need. Not to mention, I have gotten to know some awesome people through this medium. Life's responsibilities doesn't always lend itself to making new friends.

If you read me, you have no idea how appreciative I am.

I wasn't sure how to explain it to her at the time. And really, I don't think it would have made much of a difference. She is 26 and well ya know...she knows everything.

Here's a little of Wiki has to say about it...

A weblog (usually shortened to blog, but occasionally spelled web log or weblog) is a web-based publication consisting primarily of periodic articles, most often in reverse chronological order. Early weblogs were simply manually updated components of common websites. However, the evolution of tools to facilitate the production and maintenance of web articles posted in said chronological fashion made the publishing process feasible to a much larger, less technical, population. Ultimately, this resulted in the distinct class of online publishing that produces blogs we recognize today. For instance, the use of some sort of browser-based software is now a typical aspect of "blogging". Blogs can be hosted by dedicated blog hosting services, or they can be run using blog software on regular web hosting services.

Like other media, blogs often focus on a particular subject, such as food, politics, or local news. Some blogs function as online diaries. A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, web pages, and other media related to its topic.

There's a ton more of course. You can find it Here.

Theraputic tendancies

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from Heaven to the soul." ~ Unknown

So, here I am again. Reaching for song to keep my head in a good place.

Last month, I downloaded the New Dixie Chicks CD. I haven't really paid much attention to it since I got it. But now, I am finding much resource. I also picked up The Wreckers. I love Michelle Branch and am so glad she paired with the newbie Jessica Harp and made such a great album. Artists that can display talent in a multitude of genre are ok in my book. For sure. Anyway, My fav so far from Dixie Chicks is I Hope. Although, from my more recent attitude, you'd think Not Ready to Make Nice is more of a theme song for me. Ha!

Nada es Libre

We went off on our seperate ways today. Rachel to school...me to work. I have to say, even though we both felt yucky, it was nice spending the days curled up in bed with Rach. My sweet pea...

Anyway, work...is work. Same 'ole thing and people. I didn't miss much.

So, now that a day has passed and I have nothing more to say to Kelly, he text messages me this morning asking how I am. If I feel better etc.. Why? Why is he being the nice guy? It makes it so much easier for me, if I just don't talk to him at all. He is the one that wants to keep his pole in the water and see if some better fish comes along. I say Fine. Go for it, but don't expect this fish to be bitin' again. Whole lotta fishermen out there if you ask me. I just think that we aren't on the same page as he so thought. I am done playing the field, I want something lasting and with someone that values what it takes to get to know someone. If I don't have worth in that for him...then adios.

I let my guard down with this one. I let myself get sucked in and let myself want more. I thought he was different... I wish I was wrong.

When the stars go blue

Yeah so I heard back from him today. He was so flattering, about how wonderful and amazing a woman I was. Kind, thoughtful...loving..he laid it on thick. How much I am just the kind of person he would want a relationship with. But the distance ya know...and he doesn't want to take the chance of it not working out. How he feels/felt something for me. He also cherished our time together. Blah...and more blah. He laid it on thick the last couple of months too, so much as to say he loved me. ?? (I didn't reciprocate the sentiment however. Just because it takes a lot more for me to feel that and to truly express it. I don't take the word lightly.) I am thinking he doesn't know the meaning or just likes playing with words. It is fine, but I would have preferred a straight out "I don't think it's going to work and let's just move on." It works for me. Then I can just not think he is nice at all. Much better than the lies he threw my way over the last couple days or the lead on since we began. Ugh is it really so hard to find a good honest man?

So, here you go Kelly. My final words for you...

THE WRECKERS
Leave The Pieces

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't wanna see my tears
So why are you still standin' here
Just watchin' me drown

And it's alright yeah, I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothin' you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyways
So just leave the pieces when you go

Now you can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with (Will you get it over with)
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you left for me
I can clean it up, you'll see
Just as long as you're gone

You're not makin' up your mind
It's killin' me and wastin' time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Leave the pieces when you go
Oh, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah


Leave the pieces when you go

Hand in hand

So, we're home again. This flu thing is really getting on my nerves and kicking my butt. Not to mention men. Not all of them, just the ones that date me. I am not going to see this guy again. He lied to me twice yesterday. Apparently, it is a regular existence for him. Granted, I wasn't exactly honest in my way of getting the truth, but my reason for doing so paid off. I called him on it and now, as he has stated himself, is trying to "..pull his head out from my (his) rectal area."

Heh. My "feelings", as proven time and again, seem to be right on. Too bad my heart wants and hopes to believe otherwise. I try to tell myself I am just being paranoid, difficult and un-trusting. But then each and every time, I am right. How sad, I really had hoped he was different. But players exist in what seems the nicest and most genuine of people. The power of deception hmmm?

And so, while I had really enjoyed the attention and the thought of someone actually taking interest in who I was, I am left wondering how I could have been fooled yet again? It really is just my own fault.

Dizzyness is setting in, so, enjoy your day.