Screaming...on the inside.

I was just slapped across the face in the form of a paycheck.

I had a great title but I really can't remember what it was...

"Conversations with Rachel"

Her: "Mom?"

Me: "Yeah?"

Her: "Since I didn't have an Ice Cream Sandwich for dessert last night, can I have it for breakfast?"

Me: "What? No..isn't there anything else you can take for breakfast?"

Her: "No. The cupboard is empty."

Me: "No it's not. But I guess I do need to do some grocery shopping."

Her: "So I can have the Ice Cream Sandwich?"

Me: *sigh* "Yes, but only 'cause I am a really cool Mom like that, instead of making you take this head of lettuce in the crisper."

Yeah, I sent my daughter off to school with nothing but an ice cream sandwich in her belly and a smile on her face. I dropped her off at the bus stop, kissed her good bye and mumbled something to myself about being a horrible Mother.

A week from tomorrow, I go in for some Surgery. I haven't mentioned it, 'cause it isn't really all that serious. Just outpatient stuff for my Knee. But the closer it gets the more I start thinking about the risks. Then the paranoia sets in. I have to "go under" (unless of course I want a spinal tap and stay awake for the thing. HA! Like I wanna see him digging weird tools and knives into my leg?). All the complications that can arise just from that alone. I am putting my life into the hands of some guy with ether and a tube. He controls my breathing for the next 2 hours and decides whether or not I come back to the land of the naturally living. It weirds me out.

And, Chris has decided that I am going to need his constant attention that WHOLE weekend. I told him I would be fine. I'd appreciate it if he wanted to stop by to see how I was but that I can manage on my own. My Mom is going to get me to and from the hospital. But he keeps insisting that he be there to get me water and help me walk...etc...

There is something he needs to learn about me. I don't like be treated as if I am incompetent or needy. I am sure I can manage a glass of water, getting up to go to the bathroom and wiping myself...thanks. I dont' like being fussed over. Well wishes are one thing, ya know like "Hey, I hope you are feeling ok." "Hey, how are you doing?" etc, I am not talking about that, I am talking about if I breathe or stir or moan, he is all over me wondering what's wrong. It drives me nuts. In my mind, I want to be as normal as possible as soon as possible. If he fusses, he is going to make me feel worse about the situation. Call it denial, but I already know what I need to do and not do and I just don't want to be nagged if I should get up out of bed. If he wants to be helpful, then maybe bring over a chicken garlic pizza, pour me a diet Dr. Pepper and watch a movie with me while I doze in and out of my drug induced coma. Then go home and leave me to my ginormous bed and purring kitties.

I suppose I sort of sound like a jerk, I am thankful for his concern and attention but he tends to go to extremes (big dramafied extremes) and I dont' want him to make more out of this than it needs to be. He already thinks that because I don't sleep good some nights that I have some sort of sleeping disorder and should go to one of those clinics. Sheesh...

No pun intended

I am trying to figure out what to wear to work today. I may have to settle on a dress. Dang it. I prefer pants but I am currently down to one pair of nice dress slacks for work (2 pairs of jeans as well but I can't wear jeans to work). And I have used those up so far this week. They need some at home dry cleaning. So what to do? Wear an uncomfortable are my legs showing too much, I have really fat ankles dress? or go for one of the pairs of pants I have that would allow me to fit a pillow in where the butt should be? Why do clothing manufacturers think that all "women of substance" are shorter in stance and larger bringing up the rear? We aren't all round and stuff. We still have bodies and waists and bustlines. Not every bit of the extra goes to the backside. There isn't just one body type whether large or small.

*sigh*

I shouldn't be complaining. But since I can now buy clothing in a regular section of the store, I don't have the funds to do so. At least for myself. Figures. Maybe I should just break out the sewing machine that is sitting in my closet. Ya think?

And here we go..

If you blog, do you ever go back and read what you wrote a year ago? A month? Two years? I did. Some, tonight. Just this time of year, last year. I am so glad that I have my entries. To go back and read what I had written and see what my thoughts were, where I was emotionally, physically...even spiritually. I am not sure, however, if I have advanced much. But I did make myself laugh at some of my words. I was funny, even if it was in my own mind. :P

I think I can still be funny. Sometimes. I just get caught up in "stuff". I.E. work and staying afloat financially and ugh, relationships.

After we went hiking this last Sunday, we stopped at the Goodwill store to look at some stuff to make a costume out of. We found a great outfit for Rach but while we were there, me and Rachel started in on our goofing around. Chris had never seen that before and thought it was great. He was like "Wow! I like you like this." I said "What are you talking about?" He said "I don't know, you are so happy and like a little spitfire. It's cool." I thought...Hmmm aren't I always like this? But I guess not. At least not when I am stressed about the day to day clutter.

I read my entries where I talked about how if a guy went out to lunch with me, then he would find the woman of his dreams shortly thereafter. Chris and I have never gone out to lunch together. Never shared a meal during the noon hour. He has come to my house for lunch, but that doesn't count. It has to be an "outing". I still think it's true. So, I am going to tell him tonight that he can never take me out to lunch. Never. Unless I change my mind about this whole "relationship" thing. Then I will make the reservations. (I am not going to tell him that part) I just don't know still. And when will I know, do you just "know" when someone is right? I mean, my gosh, in the past when I thought someone was right there were so Not right and it was my bad. So, since I don't know and am completely confused at times, does that mean it is right? Is it a good thing to be confused and turned around inside that you don't know where or how far you want this to go?

A Monarch?

He'll be a butterfly next spring. Things can change in a just a season's passing.

I thought it would be great to get out and take some pictures yesterday, so we went for a walk at one of my favorite parks, west of here. It's amazing how much it has changed over the Summer. The girls and I were there at the beginning of Spring. The trails were flooded, all sorts of growth going on and now it was dry, dusty and crawly creatures are scrambling to make their way before snow.

A sweet older German couple, who were speaking thickly in their tongue, asked if we'd like them to take our picture for us. We said sure, but I wondered if he must have thought we were a family.

Our walk was a little short lived since I was hoping to catch some Autumn colors, but all that was there was the remnants of the heat. Rachel seemed a little bored with it anyway.

Chris and I talked, a little. I explained how I felt but that I understood and that I have my own issues I am working on. What counts is that we can come together to talk and work it out. Communication is what is going to decide if we make this relationship work. So, he is going to find a better way to express himself when he gets frustrated or fearful and I am going to listen.

Every which way

I didn't get to talk to him like I wanted yesterday. I ended up with a house full of girls and when he came over he said "I think the reason that I went off like I did, and this isn't to excuse it, but it was something in your tone when you told me that you were going to call me back after you got off the phone with your sister."

What?

So it comes back on ME that he acted like a jerk? I don't think so. I simply told him that I would call him back in a few. That was it. I didn't want to go into it with the girls in the room, so I just told him it wasn't MY fault and left it at that. He acted like a jerk because he is insecure with our relationship and he over analyzes everything to death. Guess what Chris?! There isn't always something there between the lines. Sometimes it is...just what it is. Mmmkay?

I thought I was bad. I was tired after working my butt off all day since the crack of dawn cleaning my house and my yard. (Autumn is here in the NW in a big way) now I was finding myself BBQing for a bunch of girls and him. All I asked, in my own mind, was that he not piss me off while I felt so wore out. He managed ok. But I was happy when he went home so I could just fall into my bed and be done. I dont' even remember falling asleep.

I am so still learning where relationships are concerned. Seriously. I haven't had a real one with a normal "man" ever. I think Chris is as normal as they come. The men I got myself invovled with, were manipulating, lazy, drug induced leeches that weren't happy unless they sucked all the life and will out of you. Nothing left but a puppet version of your self remained. And that is exactly how they liked it. It keeps them in control. Chris isn't like that, but dang me if he isn't a little boy sometimes. Um ok most of the time unless he is putting on the "I am a big burly man" thing, like all guys do.

It's hard getting the ideal of what men should be out of my head. I am trying. I am working on my patience and I no longer keep my tennis shoes by the door. I am thankful for this place in which to put my frustrations. At least I get them out of my head and somewhere "out there", instead of taking them out somewhere else. I will still talk to him about my take on the situation. But I will do it when my head is in the right place, not exhausted and completely annoyed by his lack of accountability, so my words are right. Maybe after Church today. I am much more understanding and compassionate when I get infused.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend. :)

Hellomoto

I hate my scale. (I know it's not the scales fault, but it feels better to have that unaccountable for my own choices, moment)

I think I am dating someone that is even more insecure about relationships than me.

Good gosh.

Since I was on the phone last night with my sister in California, who is rather long winded, I wasn't able to talk with him. He called on my other phone and I told him that I was long distance with my sis and I would call him back in a bit. The reason for her call afterall, was that my mom is in the hospital, again. It was a wee bit important, aside from the part about the reunion and me helping her with her computer. He seemed fine with it, but then, while I was still on the phone with her, he left me a voicemail stating that he was tired and going to bed. He'll talk to me tomorrow etc.. I thought, hey that's cool I'll just call him tomorrow. Well, apparently he momentarily "forgot" he had left me that message and at 12am he was leaving voicemails about how I didn't return his call, am I having problems with our relationship and how I need to talk to him if I am thinking of not seeing him anymore etc. (There was more but it really doesn't deserve any sort of validation on here. All it did was piss me off.)

Ok.

Where in the world did he get all that from? At what point did I express anything about breaking up with him? (recently anyway, and even then it wasn't to him directly) I simply took his message to me as what it said. He was going to bed and I thought, silly me, that it would be best if I didn't disturb his sleep by calling him back, late at night. Was I wrong? I don't think so. But he took and received some serious rejection out of that. Frankly, I don't need the drama. And eggshells don't feel particularly good on the bottom of my feet.

I probably shouldn't be writing about this on here. I dont' want to sway opinion of him just because we have some negative moments. For the most part, he is a great guy. I am just a little frustrated by his outburst that was completely unwarranted. I feel like he is putting past experiences on me, with women that he couldn't trust. And, I certainly understand that (I am trying my hardest not to do the same), but it's not fair. And I am not that kind of woman.

His yucky message was followed by about 6 other messages apologizing. Realizing he had told me he was going to bed, earlier. I just sat there, listening to his voice mails thinking "Too bad you can't go back and erase messages already sent before the intended party hears them. Cause that's what I would have done. Ya Big Dork."

We are planning on talking tomorrow a little more in depth. My bottle of wine is ready to add that little touch of inhibition. He's going to get a rational, firm yet understanding, ear full.

Wendy's stitch

My sister. My Sister, MY SISter MY SISTER! Ugh. My sister in California, that is. Our conversations are interesting, although I must say this one was better than those that have come before. But, now she is pressuring me to go to our 20 year class reunion. In California. In November. I told her I couldn't afford it. Even if I did drive down. And not only because the tickets are a couple hundred dollars, Two, to be exact, but then I would have the Gas money to contend with much less Airfare (like that is going to happen). I would honestly like to go but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. She is disappointed because she thought I would and made plans to go herself. Once again I disappoint her. I am good at that where my family in California is concerned.

The pressure.

Anywho... I think I want to be my daughters shadow. There was a day when I would pick her up after work and she would tell me every detail about her day. Who said or did what, what was done in school and whether it was good or not. *sigh* These days it's like pulling teeth to get anything out of her. I didn't have to ask before. She's getting older (pubescent and way more developed than any child her age should rightfully be), and so...I want to be her shadow. That way, when those "boys" ask her for her "digits" (yes...they call a phone number "digits" these days) I can smack them upside the head as she walks past. And firmly whisper that they "Better get your head on straight "boy" before I do it for you!" *insert pissed off mother bear look here* as her "shadow" grazes the tops of their gawky too big for their legs yet feet. (that's me...the shadow. And as I grazed, you can bet there would be some firm pressure on those over stepping the boundaries, gawky, too big for their feet yet toes. Hmmph. Can you tell I am adding this in as I go because I keep getting more worked up each time I think about some "boy" messing with my child?)

She told me today, after some digging, that she has a new friend. And guess what? That friend is a "boy". He taught her how to make a triangle. In Science. *swoon* I told her that if she gives him her "digits" and he calls, I am telling him that she doesn't live here. He has the wrong number. And, that if he calls here again I will track down his scrawny little butt.

I may have some issues with this.

Ya think?

A stones throw

Sometimes it necessary, in order to move forward, to rid people from your life that are "toxic". They inhibit your growth, try to stop you from becoming a better person and have nothing but mean things to say when you make those strides anyway. I am not talking about myself but a close friend. Whose friend is being rather odd in my book. To me, friends are supportive, whether in agreement or not. Just because a friend doesn't agree with your choice of religion or occupation or girlfriend...doesn't give them license to harass you and try to force you into something else. If it makes you happy, then why can't they be happy for that and that alone?

I have friends that I don't agree with. I wouldn't make the same choice they made, but they aren't my choices to make. If it makes them happy and they can live with the outcome, whatever it may be, then I think that is awesome. Kudos for you and way to go. I hope it turns out well for you etc...

Anyway, that's just my take on it.

On to other things, my daughter and her friend, had it in their heads that the school dance this Friday was an event of magnanimous proportions. That, or they just wanted the excuse to have a really fancy dress. After giving them the opportunity to try on super sparkly, plunging formal gowns, Christine and I got them to consider wearing a denim skirt with a cute top. Heh. It was our plan all along, but lets let them have a little fun in the formal department shall we? It worked out well and I am learning the fine art of getting my daughter to think it was "her" idea, for the denim skirt, instead of my own. Reverse psychology? Manipulation? I don't know but we both seem to be happy with the choice (and I didn't have to endure the eye roll). So is my pocketbook. :P

I am sooo sleepy.

Um.

Yeah, that's it.

Who was that?

I plan on spending my day, cleaning out the clutter. That included my computers. (I say computers because my daughter has my old one and I plan on selling it since she received a laptop from her Dad for her birthday. Her desk would be much more usable without the bulk of a desltop on there.)

Anyway, I was going through old documents, and saved messages and came upon this one. I sent it back in March of 2005, which isn't really that long ago but for some reason it feels like a lifetime. I mention in there, how I am not sure what my lessons were from the experience. But seeing as I have changed, some good some not so, I have more understanding. Mostly that I am not going to let someone take advantage of me in such a hurtful way ever again. It may have created firmer walls within myself and difficulties where relationships go, but at least I know now, that a relationship and some outside source does not define me. I may have been used by this person, held down and left to feel worthless and undeserving, but truly, That person wasn't worthy of me. At any rate, Mentally it was a long time ago. I wonder now, how I felt so strongly about it. When there was so much better out there for me. This person is married now. And hey, that's great. He needed immaturity to justify his own.

"Matt,

With things that have happened as late, and with words of people, I am finding myself still feeling events as they had happened. I am hurt, angry, and sad still, as if it was all just yesterday. It was pointed out to me today, how when I express myself about that which is making me feel the way I am, that I talk about it as if it was now. I couldnt' argue, because I do feel as if it was now instead of so long ago.

I am trying to figure out why it feels as such, and all I can muster to explain is that I still do not have any result or learning, or closure I suppose. Don't get me wrong, I am not asking for anything from you. I know that isn't possible from you. You have attempted, which I suppose I should be appreciative of only that, but in the backhanded fashion you choose, it stung more than anything of relief. I know you can't seem to accept or acknowledge to me, what exactly transpired. To you...it was 2 friends enjoying themselves and sharing some good times. I, however, don't see it as good times at all. I shared....not you. I lost more than you could fathom....not you. You are the one who received what he wanted. By any means possible to you. Like you had said..I wasn't worth your time and something better for you lay out there. Apparently you found it.

I am guessing that my anger lies in the fact that you have found happiness. Or rather your version thereof. I have a problem with someone that treated me so badly finding pleasure and happiness when I have felt nothing but pain from them and continue to even now. Some sort of justice seems prudent to me...but I guess then, I am not the one that weilds it.

I am trying to find my way to forgiveness. I struggle with the fact that something so meaningless to someone finds such an anchor in myself. I struggle with how short a time it happened in, commanding such a lasting piece of my life. I dont' understand the hold it has on me and why it remains. If I can find the answers to these questions perhaps I can finally stifle the power it holds on me. I dont' know.

I am sure this means nothing to you. You are building your life in the way you want it. You don't know what it feels like. What I am feeling like. You don't have that kind of comprehension. So I don't expect it from you.

I can't explain my reason for sending this to you. Other than it is a way of me to process this out and feel that it has made some sort of mark on you. Some kind of seed of understanding, that what happened with me during that time was important."

I never heard back from him on this, which was in true fashion since he had/has a problem with accountability. But it didn't really matter. I knew he wouldn't and it was for my own need that I wrote it.

My whole point of this post? Well, that I can change. I can learn from my mistakes. And, while I may be getting older, I am certainly wiser. And that's a good thing!

And one two three..

Right...Brush...Left...Brush...Right...step...Left...step OUCH! Dancing last night was fun. But, um...we need some more lessons for sure. Chris got a little frustrated and felt his feet were too big (my toes can vouch for that) But he is willing to keep going and get to a point where he can sweep me around the dance floor as graceful as, uh a ... well, more graceful than we are now. :P The dance instructor is awesome too and when he butted in to show Chris a thing or two, he made it as non obtrusive as two guys dancing together can be.

I think we have made another step in our relationship as well. Chris surprised me last night (after an earlier warning that he got me a gift but a "Don't freak out, it's not jewelery or anything like that." statement. He is a little paranoid since I have shared with him my fears about moving too quickly.) with a new cell phone. He added me to his plan and bought me a really nice phone. With a camera and stuff. Nothing like the little basic prepaid thing I carried around. He assured me that it wasn't a statement of trying to control me, but more of an assurance that he could reach me and not have the worry of using up my minutes. I suppose there is a bit of a control thing going on there, but at least it's reasonable. :P

Anywho...off to get new pictures done. Have a great day!

The Bus!

Yup. I did it again. But my kitchen is clean and well...the laundry is almost folded. I am finding myself back in that familiar schedule of not having enough time to get stuff done. So, I do it where I can. Be it six in the morn or my lunch break. Yeesh. I;ll post now, and finish the laundry on my break. (or in between getting ready for work and running out the door :P)

The "boy" attention on my daughter this year is making me nervous. My insides scream "She is only T.W.E.L.V.E.! TOUCH HER AND YOU DIE!" and the rational part of me is saying it's just innocent flirtation and I remember back to when I was twelve. *sigh* times were different then. I was a different kind of kid, though. Shy, quiet and rather homely. Rachel, is outgoing, cute, funny, smart... All I can do is Pray, and keep her involved in as many Church programs as possible :)

As the year is coming closer to the end, work has been a bear. The pressure is on to make goal. My boss is getting on my last nerve. Maybe a raise after 2 years of not having one, would be a little incentive for me to get excited. Maybe if I had a little feeling of worthiness in his eyes, I would feel a bit more value in what I do for him and in turn, it would be for me too. He doesn't get it though and i am not holding my breath for a change of heart anytime soon. He seems to be getting worse, and others notice it too. You have to wonder when a client makes a comment.

Tonight! We go dancing! Our first Ballroom thing. Woot! I am excited. I am looking forward to dancing close, laughing at our tripping over our feet and dancing close. (I said that already huh?) My attitude is better where Chris is concerned. In all my telling him he needed to be a more positive person and not bring his world and me down all the time, I heeded my own advice. I kept looking at all his faults. Focusing on that. He has made the effort to be excited about life, I am making the effort to be excited about someone like him, in my life. And maybe all his cooing about how great I am to him and how much he Loves and Adores me, is rubbing off. Maybe he really does feel that way about someone like me. Maybe, it isn't just "talk". I still see him as a big ol' teddy bear but at the same time, he has my back and on the word go he'd turn into a grizzly...for me. I like that.

Anyway, it's Friday! Yes! I hope yours is a good one :) I am going to make mine one.

My 10 minutes

A client asked me yesterday, what the date was. "Is it September 11th?" he asked. "Oh, yes...it is." I answered. And then like so many others, I went back to thinking about what I was doing that day.

I knew of the events as they were happening. I was up early, taking my, then husband, to the hospital for back surgery. I was already stressed about the day with worry for him, and then the world changed. I sat in awe, in despair with tears streaming down my face at the thought of what was happening. Life was going in my world and standing still in others.

Right foot first

Chris and I were just talking about how my daughters father once tried to get state disability for claiming he was ADD. Of course we got a good (sort of sad) chuckle out of it but now I am starting to wonder if I am the with ADD. Clearly not, but I do find myself flitting from one project to another without fully starting one much less completing it. Yeesh. I sat down to write this post no less than 3 times, but would find myself either manicuring my nails or folding laundry when I would remember what it was I was beginning to do, to begin with! So here I am now, with only ten minutes before I must find myself rushing to the bus stop. Let's see how I do...

Things are better with Chris. At least for the moment. I have to keep reminding myself, that he is not "other" people. That because there is something he says or does that triggers my fears of relationships past, it doesn't make him completely that person. I am trying to look at those things about him, that are completely different and completely what I want in a person I spend time with. He has a lot of those qualities, and while I can't ignore or look past the negatives, he certainly has a lot of positives that are keeping me in the game. I can't just walk away from him, because I get scared. I know what that feels like, when someone doesn't give you the chance you deserve, and I don't want to make anyone feel that kind of rejection. It hurts, deep and long. I do care about him that much. Heck, I think all people deserve that much respect.

He asked me, last night, if he asked me to tie the knot in a year or so, if I would run for the hills. I said I didn't know how I would feel in a year or so, but the fact that he mentions it now, doesn't scare me. But I am thinking it's because I know I am not going to make a wrong decision. I am not going to marry someone, just because they ask or I feel sorry or because I don't want to be alone. It's going to be because it's the right decision for me and my daughter. And, for our relationship. Whether that is with him or not, remains to be seen.

Reflections

I read a lot of "Fat" blogs. People that are trying to lose weight, what they go through and what "plan" they are using. Those that treat it as a way of life, seem to be having the most success. They've come to grips that their bodies are different, they eat for the wrong reasons etc. But they have their moments too, of giving in, yet understand that it doesn't mean the journey stops, it just may be delayed a little. It's interesting reading, I think. For me, since I am finally, at 38 years of age, getting a clue. Part of me wishes I had done this so many years ago. How my life would have been different, more confident and that feeling of deserving better.

It's sad when I think that my weight had so much bearing on that inside part of me. But it did and still does although the light is at the end of the tunnel. So many years I feel have been wasted, when if I had done this before, I may have accomplished more. Simply because I felt better about myself.

It's been odd coming to terms with the smaller version of me as well. Not that I am done, mind you. I still have 35lbs to go (Technically 33 but I may shoot for 40). But, I still see myself as the larger person. When I go look at clothes, I go to the larger section of the store, when I know I can shop in regular sizes. Although, those regular sizes still sometimes fit "funny". Or at least, I think so. I am not used to clothes being snug where they are supposed to be ya know? Instead of binding around the larger parts because they stick out further and me trying to find something that much bigger to hide it. I recently bought a pair of jeans (in the regular sized womens department, I was super excited :P) and people keep telling me that I look good in them. But because they fit...right I guess, I feel self concious. I can feel the fabric against my butt, my legs etc.. and it feels like everyone can see the "stuff". When I look in the mirror, I still see the stuff from so many lbs ago so they must see it too, right? I think I have gotten even more critical of my body, whereas before, I just delt with it cause that's the way it was.

My point? Not sure, I am just rambling. Maybe that my insides still need a lot of work. On self image, confidence and acceptance.

Part of me feels that my weight was a part of my wall. It kept people out, I could use it as an excuse as to why I couldn't hold a relationship, I couldn't be a part of life other than work and my child and family. Now people are starting to see "me" and not the fat. I am starting to see "me" and while it feels good, it's a little scary too.

Round and Round

Chris and I have decided to take some Ballroom Dancing lessons. Yes, you heard right, Ballroom Dancing. It was his idea, too... Now, I love dancing. Always have and was part of our Dance Production class in High School and College. I haven't danced in years, however. I am hoping it's like riding a bike, once you get your balance, off you go. Chris himself, was forced to take lessons when he was younger. He knows the standards but would like to learn the Tango with me. Frankly, I think he just wants another reason to get extremely close. Not that, that, is a bad thing. :P

I think it will be fun and some different type of exercise. In looking at their website, they also hold events throughout the year. Dinner and dancing formals to utilize the skills you learn as well as have a good time doing it. My first thought...was "Ooooo I get to wear something fancy? WooHoo! I get to go shopping!" I don't think I've worn a fancy dress since Prom. And that really was just a costume (kind of like a wedding dress) I am thinking...Black, Sparkly...and really low cut ;)

This guy (Chris) is really trying so hard to get on my good side. Which can be kind of tricky when I am constantly turning in circles.

Smile pretty

A pretty scary picture, no? Speaking of...my Mom showed me a picture I had taken several years ago with my daughter. One of those mom/daughter portraits. It was soon after her father left and I felt I wanted something to show our new family. Which consisted of me and her. But, the picture is old, it looks nothing like me...and I mean nothing. In fact, I almost wondered who it was posing with my cute little girl. I made an appointment yesterday to have some new ones taken.

So, while I sit here waiting for the gray to be covered, Rachel had a great day at school yesterday. It was fun, last night, to hear about her day, all her new teachers and how she got the Top locker :) Yeah!

6 Months

I have GOT to color my hair...

What AM I going to wear?

I hope everyone had a good holiday. Those long weekends seem to fly as swift as the normal ones. But I am always grateful for the extra day.

First Day of School! I know most parents are so happy to be sending their kids back. They're out of the house, occupied with the days activities and lessons, and the parents that stay home with them have some sort of peace. But...I have never felt that way. It was nice to be able to come home on my lunch break and spend a little time with my daughter. I like having her home. I even like her many...many phone calls to my work asking where the bagels are, or what she can make cause she is hungry, or the fact that she is bored and wants something to do. Even though I work all day, I miss her when she is at school.

I hope she has a good day today. I can't wait to hear all the "stuff" about who she has in her classes, if she likes her teachers and if her locker is top or bottom. (I am hoping top 'cause I got her the cutest locker decorations Ever!)

I hope you have a good day too ;)

Oh, don't you hesitate...

"Three little birds sat on my window, and told me I don't need to worry."

I suppose I should explain my prior entry. And seeing as the coffee is brewing on this cool early Sunday morning, Rachel still snug in her bed, resting from a busy and fun day yesterday, I have the opportunity to do just that. Get some coffee too, (or your morning drink of choice, I have some yummy sweet tea in my 'fridge if you'd like a cup :) it's going to be a long one with many "asides". :P

Speaking of one...

Have I ever mentioned how much I just adore and cherish my child? I suppose I have, but really, there are times, usually in the mornings before the world takes over my thoughts, that it brings my eyes to mist. I realize how my world is her. She is my glue, my hold, my every miracle and more. If only she knew. Someday she'll understand, when she has her own. Many...many years from now. *wiping brow*

"Just more than I could take, pity for pity's sake."

Chris and I have been having a bit of trouble. Frankly, I am just setting my boundaries. I have learned a lot over the years and I am certainly not going to waste those experiences (lessons) by letting go or looking past familiar
patterns that arise in a relationship. I am older now, wiser (I like to think) and a heck of a lot more direct with what I feel, think and know. (I thank my Mom for that. Her directness in the reality of a situation, helps me immensely. I have done pretty much all my "growing up" since I have known her and my Dad. It was just delayed a little ;) Ok then, Chris and me...he is in a situation with a roommate and in his personal life, that resembles that of someone much younger. He flips from job to job, he has a roommate that takes advantage and since he hasn't had much responsibility, other than himself in the last 36 years, he hasn't learned the fine art of sucking it up and doing what you have to do. He has spent the years of his life just doing what he can to get by. It's all rather...insecure. And as such, he goes into a "pity me" mode. I can't stand that kind of attitude. I have no sympathy for it, especially when I see so many busting butt and living with disabilities, heartache, true and real pain etc...

In my opinion, it's time to grow up.

"Summer came like cinnamon, so sweet."

Our relationship started out great. He was so considerate, concerned with my needs. And while he still shows absolute respect and continuously goes on about how "amazing and beautiful" I am, his focus is himself. In all conversations, it revolves around his situation, his drama. I am a bit tired of hearing the grief, it's time to change it. If you don't like what's going on in your world, then you take the steps to fix it. Period. No more whining about headaches, how it's too hot and how everything makes him uncomfortable. How much he hates getting up early to go to work, or how it's interferred with his "inner clock". Give me a break. It's time for a positive attitude and seeing just how good your life is and can be. It isn't about what you don't have, it's about what you've got.

"The more you stay the same, the more things seem to change. Don't ya think it's strange?"

I told him just that. We had several long talks. And this is new for me. For years I would be afraid to tell those I am in a relationship with, just what I thought straight out, because of my fear of "losing" them. When in the reality of it, it was probably best that I did. So I did this time. And it seems to be making a difference. HE is more positive in our conversations, he is finding value in his new job and talking about the long term with this company. He is finding ways to make his home life better in the interim and changing the long term with his roommate as well. Most of it is just "speak", his actions will tell me, for sure, if it really made a difference, I am hoping it does.

"Maybe sometimes, you feel afraid, but it's alright."

I do care about Chris. He is intelligent, witty and knows a ton about History and such. He loves God (and about time he put his Faith in Him). He loves music. all kinds like me, and when our relationship is good...it's really good. But right now, I feel like I am having to raise another child and it's putting me off. I want a relationship with someone that's another adult that takes care of business. So I think if I stay in this one, it might take me a while, after seeing if these changes he says he is making come to fruition, before I can get back to what I felt when we first met. It's another test for me. About letting go of the negative, myself, and believing a person can be better than the examples shown. It depends on his actions, however.

"Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams."

I am not walking away just yet. I am stepping back and slowing down though. And, ya know, it feels good to be respecting myself. My needs are important, my values and how I want my future to evolve. Frankly, I feel pretty damn liberated this last week or so. My ugly relationship past has paid off. I see and feel what I've learned.

Self worth is an amazing feeling :)

"Your gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow."

(My quotes are from Corinne Bailey Rae's song "Girl, Put Your Records On". She is awesome and her link is in the sidebar. Highly recommended!)