left field

School starts soon. I wasn't nervous, actually excited, until today. I'm suddenly feeling overwhelmed, unprepared and as if I'm setting myself up for failure. It's an attitude I don't want or need to have.

Overwhelmed...because I'm working full time, schooling full time, parenting all the time (which includes all the house work, shopping, yard work, cooking, bill paying etc.) Granted, I only have one child which people like to remind me of, however, I don't have a spouse to share in it either. Even if they didn't help with the chores, I don't have that extra person to at least know I am in this together with. The pressure is all on me, the failure is all on me. I have no partner to cheer me on. I need that and I'm feeling completely alone in this.

Unprepared...mentally. I have what I need in books and supplies. My friend Debbie saved me $140 on my book fees by loaning me her history book. She already completed the course and by doing that I was able to afford the graphing calculator Rachel needs for her trigonometry class. I have paper, pens and a planner. I'm good in that department. But, it's been a long time since my prior college or schooling of any kind except for the constant training and continuing education for work. Which doesn't count cause I've been doing this job so long I feel like I already know what they're going to say anyway.

Failure...ugh! do I have to talk about this one? Fear. Fear of failure and proving all the naysayers right. "You don't need to go to college..." "I never had a college education and I'm doing just fine!" "You won't get any further than you are now." "You won't make any more money than you do now!" "You didn't make it before, so what makes you think you can do it now?" (ok...maybe that last one was all me...)I didn't finish my college education when I was younger because life got in the way. I'm worried it will happen again.

I'm not sure what happened. I was so positive up until now. Feeling "knowing" that I was moving in the right direction. I Prayed, asked and gave it up. Everything was just falling into place, and now my brain is out of place.