It's a blur. It's one of those video montages where they throw in several different scenes and moments of time and then turn up the time lapse to hyper speed. You're left wishing you could view it a couple more times because, surely, there is something you missed. Or, you wish you never saw it at all. I find myself a mixture of both.
Today is the first day of 2011. A full 365 days to get this year right. 8760 calendar hours (it's not leap year) to sleep, make a change in this world, and earn a living to live life.
My first 9 days, my very first 216 hours will be spent either wondering, worrying or walking with my daughter through her I 131 treatment. (to read: I hate technical terms, she's getting radiation. A lovely little pill filled with radioactive Iodine to kill off her thyroid.)
In the December 2010 haze, we found out that Rachel's remission was over. Her thyroid levels had sky rocketed to 4x normal. The size of her thyroid had doubled from it's previous size of 3x normal. Her heart rate, while exercising (we're talking moderate exercise. Jog, walk, jog, walk) was 175 beats per minute and resting of 120 which is too high for a 16 year old. She's lost almost 30 pounds in the past couple of months (although she has been trying) and headaches, arm pain and leg pain plague her daily.
I want to take it away. I want her to be fine and not have to deal with anything more than being young, having fun and making her plans to change the world around her. She is so amazing in her heart and mind and the compassion she has for others that I struggle with the fairness of it all.
My hope, my Prayer...is that Rachel comes through this better. Not only health wise but her spirit too. That she uses the uncertainty of the coming months to learn and grow.
And, for me too.
Happy New Year.
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