I talked to the sperm doner today. (I know sperm donor sounds aweful. I can't say ex-husband, 'cause by definition, he really wasn't one except that a peice of paper said so. And calling him her father, well again the definitions and paper.) Why? you may ask. I don't know. I have been contemplating too much lately and I wanted answers. Not that he could give any but my resources were at an all time low for someone wanting certainty. I got certainty alright. Certainty, that he is still what I had always believed him to be. Not that I had any doubt to begin with. He didn't even ask how his daughter was. It has only been a few months since he has talked to her, mind you. He basically went on about how hard life has been for him and the things he has had to go without.
Now, I am a pretty empathetic person. So much so, that it can effect my own state of mind. It has been a fault in the past, as far as discernment is concerned. But, I found myself totally repulsed by his victim perspective, again. It was all a lead in to the fact that he still cannot help support his child. I am not only talking monetary support. I have been supporting my daughter alone financially for a long time. There isn't a choice where that is concerned. I can't say "Sorry Rach but I can't feed you this week 'cause I had to take this really great trip without you and you will just have to wait. Some things are just more important." Grrr..
I am also speaking of emotional support. The fact that I hear my daughter telling her friends that she has no father, digs at me everytime the words leave her lips. These are her own realizations. They are not of my own doing. I told my best friend tonight, that it is the one thing that really gets me. It is the one thing that I can't fix for her or stop her from learning. The disappointment in her eyes and tone of emotion where he is concerned, is making that turn I knew was inevitable. As much as I disliked the Disneyland Dad syndrome, I think I hate this, even more.
He speaks of how much he loves her. What kind of love is that exactly? The one I know of means that you can't go a day without speaking to her. Holding her, laughing with her and sharing with her. The kind of love that finds you smelling her coat when she is away at a friends for the weekend because you miss her. The kind of love that finds you working a job picking the gum off the bottom of chairs if it means giving her all she needs. Loving her isn't conditional to his schedule. There are no conditions on love where your child is concerned. Period.
He made promises, then recanted, saying he didn't want to disappoint me again. I said "It is great that you feel you have so much choice. It must be liberating, really. However, I don't believe there is choice where your child is concerned." I said much more but can't remember the exact words. He made a comment that there were others in his life that couldn't wait. Couldn't wait? Meaning what? That they are more important and your daughter can wait? News flash...she isn't waiting. She is growing up and before he can blink those vacant and clueless eyes, she will be moving on. He has already missed out on so much. All by his own choice.
Well, glad I got that out of my system.
Rachel was sitting in her room doing homework, I, on the computer. (as usual)
Her: "Mom...?"
Me: "Yeah?"
Her: "What is zook-kitche-knee?"
Me: "What?"
Her: "What is ummm Zuck-kinch-ee?"
Me: "Spell it."
Her: "Z U C C H I N I. Does it have to do with Art?"
Me: "Depends on the artist."
2 comments:
it's agonizing to read your sharp perceptions and to hear you convey not only your torment, but the kind felt when we long for something better for someone we love.
I hope he doesn't know about this blog because he doesn't deserve to get the intimate reality of your perceptions. I don't necessarilly wish ill to people like that, just that they should at least earn/otherwise deserve the right to have our deepest thoughts shared with them (except for all of us anonymous web voyuers, of course--but to justify ourselves: there is a certain amount of objectivity or separateness in anonymity that doesn't have the same standard as for those we deal with in the "real" world... i mean for those of us who are anonymous, which of course i am. Therefore those of us who are reading these intimate insights and deep thoughts are exempted based on the fact that we are anonymous and consequently not required to meet the standard of: deserving to vicariously partake in any emotions or otherwise "feelings" we may be exposed to here. So help me...)
and what does it take to earn/otherwise deserve to share in our deepest thoughts? not much, usually only the desire to partake as well as contribute (is that what God is looking for?). what a sad world when people are so involved in what they want that they don't see the value, the riches, the depth and meaning of sharing ourselves. They really believe that serving themselves will bring more fulfillment than the joys that go with be able to share your heart. hmmm. sorry... you shouldn'ta got me all riled-up there with that talk...
But isn't that what love is about? Wanting better for those we deeply love? It is putting our own desires and what we feel are needs, aside, if they do not benefit the whole.
He doesn't know about this blog. Not because I am hiding anything, but because My life is not his concern. (not to include his daughters) He already knows my feelings and my perceptions of him, this situation and the results of his non-action. I am more than forthcoming with that knowledge. But it falls on deaf ears. Ears that can't hear anything unless it has something to do with what benefits him. And benefit, in the description of what he deems as beneficial, not what you or I, or most, might see otherwise.
There are people that understand the value, and there are those that just don't. It doesn't exist within them. Something I see as a vacancy inside but they have filled with selfish need and so, see no reason for change. I honestly think that these types of people are missing something fundamental. Something just didn't split right, during conception. That isn't to excuse it, either. We are all capable of making better choices, learning and growing. Some are just more willing, satisfied with status quo and trailing the heels of another, than others.
Anonymity, with the purpose of sharing positive contributions is a sweet gift. It is giving to someone without the expectation of praise or thanks.
But, thank you anyway...
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