There's this bridge...

My messenger was visible. Dag nab it! I didn't know. Really. I had booted my system and for whatever foresaken reason, I was logged on. "Come on strong guy" saw me...(I took him off my list and now cannot control his vision)

COSG: i will try and say hi one more time.
COSG): hope it is okay
Me: It is fine...hi
COSG: are you sure? i was beginning to think that you didn't want to talk to me any more
Me: yeah i am sure. It is just that when I talk to you, you presume to know how I feel and what I want. We have talked about this before. I feel like I have to live up to what you are expecting.
Me: make sense?
COSG: i guess so.
COSG: and i am not expecting anything anymore. i didn't before but know better now from anyone.
Me: (huh?) ok
COSG: am i interupting something right now?
Me: no just surfing around
Me: how have you been?
COSG: just busy with work and the boys
COSG: nothing unusual and getting ready for out summer program to start at work. the university if finally out for the summer on friday
Me: what is the program?
COSG: just the summer camps.
Me: ah ok
COSG: how is your summer looking?
Me: hmm well pretty much like the rest of the year
Me: working...taking care of my daughter
COSG: i know how that can go.
COSG: would you like to get together?
Me: are you talking like next week or maybe perhaps sometime in the future?
COSG: any time
Me: I think maybe, perhaps sometime in the distant future. I don't know. (A firm No would have been more appropriate)
COSG: if you wouldn't mind i could let you know when i can.
Me: that's fine...and we could see if it would work out for me too (ya think?)
COSG: okay.
COSG: i do miss you.
COSG: and sorry for the delays. i am running kids in the shower
Me: no worries
COSG: all done.
COSG: are you still there?
Me: yeah I am here
Me: just reading a friends website
COSG: k
COSG: what do you think about getting together?
Me: as friends, maybe
COSG: just as friends or a chance for more?
Me: I don't know about the chance for more (just say No Michelle)
COSG: that makes sense.
Me: I guess it is part of my "issues" or whatever you want to call them...I like time
COSG: i guess i deserved that.
Me: deserved what?
Me: I wasn't making a dig on you or anything
COSG: i am the one that ruined our chance at getting together before so yes i did deserve that. i don't plan on doing it again
Me: well I didn't mean for it to sound or come out that way
COSG: i didn't say that you did
Me: ok (didn't he just say that he "deserved that" as if to say I was making a remark towards him?)
COSG: you seem very distant
Me: just reading...really. I have been writing a bit too
Me: its something to do
COSG: that is true
COSG: i will brb
Me: ok
COSG: sorry that took so long. i am back
Me: no worries
COSG: you were supposed to miss me!
Me: ok (I think I am definitely missing something)
COSG: what are you thinking about? (I don't think there has been a conversation with him that didn't include that exact statement)
Me: I am looking through template designs for my webpage
COSG: sounds like fun
Me: interesting anyway....gives me ideas
COSG: k
Me: well I am off to bed
Me: have a good night
COSG: you too michelle. sleep well.

Perhaps, this conversation doesn't look like much. Perhaps, I look cold in my responses. You have to know the history with this person. Within a week he had me married, having babies that he had already named, moved me to another state so we could live closer to His family, and had talked about the house we would buy and live in. He went so far as to look at property. I hadn't even dated him. He said he wanted to adopt my daughter etc...

Not once, in all of our conversations, has he asked me what I felt, thought, wanted, in regards to the situation. Not once. When he asks me "What are you thinking?" He would usually follow up with "I know you are thinking about being with me huh?" If I said anything different, he would get withdrawn and sullen. So, I have learned to just not answer the question. Notice in this conversation above, he didn't even ask me how I was doing? He said he would let me know what worked for Him as far as getting together would go. He used to tell me that he already knew how I felt and how much I needed him. He knew that I laid in bed thinking of him. Ummm...no. Perhaps, laid in bed and wondered if he was some kind of control freak? That I admit. He had fits of jealousy if I mentioned anyone that was male in gender and we, COSG and I, hadn't even gone on a date.

The guy scares me. Period. Not just from a relationship standpoint, but from a humanistic place as well. Something just isn't right...