High Noon

Ok, so, I am staring at this blank screen, like I have for a few days now, and am still not sure what is going to come out here. I have had lots of thoughts, memories, blessings, worries and what if's about the future the last couple nights. But just have lacked the words to put them down. There was an article the other day, on the DailyOM page, that had to do with Grace. How it fills our lives each day. Some small, some large and obvious. I was Graced on Friday. In a huge way. I feel such a release of this, what I felt, was a burden, that it has pretty much left me speechless. My thoughts are of wanting to do something to express my thankfullness, my appreciation, and my gratitude. I just don't know what.

In the family I grew up in, love didn't come without condition. There was a price and they were sure to let you know what it was and how it was to be accomplished. And, if you didn't follow through, there was certain punishment. At least it was their definition of love. I am not saying it wasn't, it was just different. I have learned others over the years, some better, some not, and some were told to be love but really didn't even come close to the dictionary.

What I have experienced this last few days, doesn't come close either. It is more than "strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties" and more than "warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion ". I can't think of the words and Merriam-Webster doesn't do it justice.

I have woken up each and every day with the object filling my head. The questions of how to resolve it, deal with it until it can be, and just the amount of brain matter it has taken up, has left me sort of dazed that it is gone. It isn't there anymore. It has been there for so long and has been such a part of my life for the past couple of years that I am not sure what I am going to do with space. It is an amazing relief.

On a side note...
My daughter is scaring me. She spent the afternoon and night at her friends house yesterday, and when she walked out of her bedroom, all dressed and ready, I about fell over. I am not sure why I don't notice it on a daily basis. The way she is changing. But some things that she wears really show off her...uh...figure that she is getting. She has grown another inch in height since June, and the bras that I had on layaway for the last month, well, let's just say I will be exchanging them. Lord help me the girl is only 11! She did, however, snuggle up to me on the couch the other night and asked if we could turn back time. And if we could, what age would I want her to be? I told her if I could, I would go back to the day when I found out she was in my tummy. I would want to experience it all over again, every moment with her. I then told her how much I loved her and enjoyed her right now, too. Rachel is truly my saving Grace. If there was ever a definition of love, then all I have to do is look at her.