7's

So...my days have been filled as late with the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. I love it though. I actually had to take some help in getting to sleep last night because my body was still on overdrive, exhausted but ready to move on to the next task. Bare with me...I am a bit soggy feeling this AM. When I was walking to my desk, I actually thought and felt my knees sinking to the floor. I thought "UhOh...I'd better get my butt to a chair quick, before I land face first with hot coffee in hand." Such an interesting sight and no one to laugh at my folly.

Folly? Ok anyway...

My home is quiet this morning. Which brings me to lots of thought. Mostly about Christmas and family and those of the past. I read, recently, on a blog I visit, about the sense of belonging. How hard it is to sometimes find when inevitabilities of life sweep through and change up what we think of as stable. (not in so many words but you get my point) I have to say that I am so lucky.

Growing up with my family that raised me, I actually didn't have any sense of belonging. I felt awkward...isolated...and just plain wasn't supposed to be there. The reasons were many and varied. But the result was the same. Don't get me wrong, our Holidays, when I was in the single digits, were filled with festivities and sometimes distant family visits and sharing. There was something missing, however, not just the real meaning of Christmas but it was more. It all seemed so "obligated". (Have I mentioned how much I despise the word Obligation? Or at least the way most use their obligations in life. Obligations can be wonderful if given the right attitude which wouldn't make them "obligations" at all but choices.) Like..."This is what we are supposed to do even though it is a hassle and costs way too much but you kids are little so we will do it anyway to get you off our back." There was always the sense of "we have to" that permeated their skin regardless of how many white washed smiles they painted. And you could definitely see through how much they disliked it all. (one thing I have learned, is that life is all about Choice. We don't "Have" to do anything. but that is another subject I won't delve into now and the consequences/results/paths of those choices we make) And don't get me wrong again, I do love them and value all they gave and did/do for me.

But today...it is so different. There is laughter, warmth, the real desire to share and I have never felt so cared for and loved. This family that has welcomed me, has answered prayers too numerous to mention. (for those of you that don't know me, this is my Birth family)

I still feel a sense of loss, in that, I wasn't raised up with them. So many memories they share that I have no memory of. I wasn't there to be a part. It is all for reason, I know, and I am truly thankful to have been given the blessing. A second chance really, to know what it is like to "belong" somewhere.

My daughter has been raised with this beautiful family. She has shared in every holiday, and family event. She has been given what I so longed for at her age and the years before. I can't explain how thankful I am that she has had this opportunity. And will continue to have for many years. I hope, when she is older, she can understand how precious it all really is. How different it could have been. Part of me thinks she already realizes. Last year, we spent Christmas with my fam in California (adopted family). It was different from what she had always known. This year, she said "Please Mom...can we stay here for Christmas? I love Christmas here..." How could I say no? How could I deny what brings her absolute joy? (when we went down there last year, she was completely indulged with presents and "things". But I think even she realizes that Christmas is more than getting stuff.)

Anyway..I think I have rambled enough...