Monday, December 03, 2012

Has it really been so long?

I have needed this page so many times. I've missed it.

Friday, February 25, 2011

a little space

I would love to say this year has started out peacefully. That it is the best yet! But, so far? It's been trying.

The events of late are bringing everything to a head. It's about to spill over. Action has to be taken in order to keep the scales in balance and my checkbook.

I've been praying about it all. Praying for insight, for wisdom and for...peace in seeing all of it through however that unfolds.

I have an appointment with a lawyer on Thursday. I have to do what I have been avoiding hoping that I could make it happen, make a way to pay all the medical and everything else that's been piling up since Rachel got sick and her dad decided he didn't want to help support her anymore. My income hasn't changed and I only have so much to pay the piper(s). If I pay one, another has to wait and they don't like that so much.

So, I am here. I am having to give up or so it feels that way. And, yet, it feels like the right thing to do. I need to have a clean slate in order to move forward. Otherwise, I will find myself in the constant struggle of trying to make it happen.

And, It really isn't up to me, is it?

Letting go of the control over something you have no control over, is such a relief.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

and now we are here

Now that I have finished redesigning this thing, although I am still not satisfied with it (my posts are off and I can't get the width where I want it and the post title CSS was messing with me and the new Design template made my design Wonky!), I'm too over it to post.

I had a good one too, I think. An update on Rachel, on school and the fork in the road I am facing.

Another day, perhaps.

Saturday, January 01, 2011

december is missing

It's a blur. It's one of those video montages where they throw in several different scenes and moments of time and then turn up the time lapse to hyper speed. You're left wishing you could view it a couple more times because, surely, there is something you missed. Or, you wish you never saw it at all. I find myself a mixture of both.

Today is the first day of 2011. A full 365 days to get this year right. 8760 calendar hours (it's not leap year) to sleep, make a change in this world, and earn a living to live life.

My first 9 days, my very first 216 hours will be spent either wondering, worrying or walking with my daughter through her I 131 treatment. (to read: I hate technical terms, she's getting radiation. A lovely little pill filled with radioactive Iodine to kill off her thyroid.)

In the December 2010 haze, we found out that Rachel's remission was over. Her thyroid levels had sky rocketed to 4x normal. The size of her thyroid had doubled from it's previous size of 3x normal. Her heart rate, while exercising (we're talking moderate exercise. Jog, walk, jog, walk) was 175 beats per minute and resting of 120 which is too high for a 16 year old. She's lost almost 30 pounds in the past couple of months (although she has been trying) and headaches, arm pain and leg pain plague her daily.

I want to take it away. I want her to be fine and not have to deal with anything more than being young, having fun and making her plans to change the world around her. She is so amazing in her heart and mind and the compassion she has for others that I struggle with the fairness of it all.

My hope, my that Rachel comes through this better. Not only health wise but her spirit too. That she uses the uncertainty of the coming months to learn and grow.

And, for me too.

Happy New Year.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

because it's beautiful

Beautiful Things

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Oh, you make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Making me new

You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)

You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of us
(You are making me new, making me new)

Oh, you make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

Thursday, November 04, 2010

clothed in rainbows

Sometimes it's better to move on. Move on and let go and know that there is a plan.

A plan for them and a plan for me.

Focus is a good thing. Walking the steps you need to take. Walking the path laid before you. Being obedient and trust the direction. Faith that it will come when it is supposed to come. Believing that your feet will have walked the steps to land on that firm solid piece of ground.

It will be.

Music moves me. Inspires me. Speaks to me and guides me. All it takes is one song to fill. One voice and one melody. It's life giving breath and sweet peace.

You are my everything and I will adore You.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

pumpkin spice for me

do(me) verb \ˈdü\me\
did\ˈdid, dəd\done\ˈdən\do·ing\ˈdü-iŋ\does\ˈdəz\
Definition of DO(me)
transitive verb
1: to bring to pass : carry out
2: Contrary to "Honey Do's", Do Me's means I have to do it all myself.
3: perform, execute
4: bring about, effect
5: to bring to an end : finish —used in the past participle
6: to put forth : exert
7: to wear out especially by physical exertion : exhaust

A list of "do me's"...

1. Mid terms. It's mid term weekend at my house. Come over, have a cup of jo' and help me procrastinate (I won't be responsible, however, for your part in my lack).

2. 3 loads of laundry to fold and two to wash ( maybe three more, I haven't entered the teenagers room yet).

3. Another cup of coffee and some pondering of the early Christians.

4. The backyard. 30 days and two dogs. Do the math.

5. A really good hand washing and the tossing out of my tennis shoes.

6. Yet more coffee and some C = 2piR (symbols aren't readily available on a laptop and I'm too busy procrastinating to look it up)

7. Shoot! I forgot to put the pot roast in the crock pot...

-be right back-

8. Another cup of coffee. I think I might be sick.

9. An essay on Genetic technology and personal ethics. Seriously...such amazing brains in these scientists but yet they lack something so fundamental to our society.

10. Church. Ahhh...Goal! I am looking forward to this one.

Speaking of worship, my most favorite part, I got to go see Tenth Avenue North in concert this week. They were absolutely amazing, along with Addison Road and Matt Maher. Just...WOW. I sang my heart out for 3 straight hours. Luckily there were a lot of people, so aside from the poor girl in front of me, no one could hear me. I have the heart of a singer and the voice of a moose. Okay, maybe not a moose, I can carry a tune. With a crowd of people...really quietly...or ya know, in my car.

Anywho! Here is a little snippet of them explaining their song "Times". Download it from iTunes. You'll be glad you did.

Monday, October 18, 2010

revelation song

I can tell you right now, that this little, insignificant page of mine, is going to take a turn.

I'm giving you fair warning.

Those that might actually still read...

My Faith is growing. It's bursting out and I don't care who knows or disagrees. I'm going to share it cause it's what I feel and this little, insignificant page of mine is what it's about. How I feel. What I have to say and that's going to include my love of my God. I'm not going to preach. But He is interwoven into my mind and my heart and my life. It's part of me and I am so thankful.

So if you don't want to know...then don't read.

I hope you do though. 'Cause He's amazing. And I want you to feel it too.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

watching my feet

See that article over there...the one on the right about centering yourself? I really felt connected to it until they started talking about your "solar plexis".

What the...huh?

The overall meaning of the article does apply to me, however. I've been, or feel that I am, pulled in different directions. But my place of center is my Faith. It's the one thing where I feel grounded and still. The one place where I can come and know that I am still me. Not the Michelle that has homework that fries her brain, not the Michelle that has to get dinner on the table and the laundry done and not the Michelle that has to make sure your insurance program is up to par and your bill is right.

I can be the me that knows He loves me and has a plan for me. I don't know what that is yet, exactly, but I'm trying to walk the path I feel led.

My hope, is that in a few years I'll be in Yuganda or South America or Haiti. Maybe, I have no idea! I'm not there yet..and who knows if that is what I'm really walking to go do? I'm a little confused and really trying not to think about it cause it drives me nuts not to know. I'm God's problem child. Stubborn and willful and impatient.

He sighs...

To add to my already jumbled brain, I find myself having a crush. "Good Michelle add to your confusion!" I know...I know..

I haven't felt this way for a long time. Four years long...Now, I find myself nervous, full of butterflies and insecure. And yet it feels so awesome at the same time.

Go figure.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

left field

School starts soon. I wasn't nervous, actually excited, until today. I'm suddenly feeling overwhelmed, unprepared and as if I'm setting myself up for failure. It's an attitude I don't want or need to have.

Overwhelmed...because I'm working full time, schooling full time, parenting all the time (which includes all the house work, shopping, yard work, cooking, bill paying etc.) Granted, I only have one child which people like to remind me of, however, I don't have a spouse to share in it either. Even if they didn't help with the chores, I don't have that extra person to at least know I am in this together with. The pressure is all on me, the failure is all on me. I have no partner to cheer me on. I need that and I'm feeling completely alone in this.

Unprepared...mentally. I have what I need in books and supplies. My friend Debbie saved me $140 on my book fees by loaning me her history book. She already completed the course and by doing that I was able to afford the graphing calculator Rachel needs for her trigonometry class. I have paper, pens and a planner. I'm good in that department. But, it's been a long time since my prior college or schooling of any kind except for the constant training and continuing education for work. Which doesn't count cause I've been doing this job so long I feel like I already know what they're going to say anyway.

Failure...ugh! do I have to talk about this one? Fear. Fear of failure and proving all the naysayers right. "You don't need to go to college..." "I never had a college education and I'm doing just fine!" "You won't get any further than you are now." "You won't make any more money than you do now!" "You didn't make it before, so what makes you think you can do it now?" (ok...maybe that last one was all me...)I didn't finish my college education when I was younger because life got in the way. I'm worried it will happen again.

I'm not sure what happened. I was so positive up until now. Feeling "knowing" that I was moving in the right direction. I Prayed, asked and gave it up. Everything was just falling into place, and now my brain is out of place.