Gardening 101

Again...tonight...I read the term "What goes around comes around...eventually". Now my question would be - Does this happen for all things? I mean does it come around for the good too? or is it just for the bad things you may have done? I am banking on the good. Hoping for it, I guess. I have a lot of good in my life..and of course some bad, although it isn't really bad in comparison to some. But there are specific things I would like to see some return on ya know? I don't know if I will get that. If I really even deserve it. I am having those confusing feelings again. I am starting to fall and am having trouble catching myself before I hit the cement. I feel like it is inevitable. The cold hard ground of reality is just waiting for my flesh to burn and sting. Sheesh, that's dramatic. No, I am not "hysterical". It is just my way of getting across the point of I don't want to get hurt...again. There. Ok?

I think I need to move away from this subject...

My sister in California left a message for me tonight. She said "Hey, where are you? Call." That was it. She has such a way of communicating. Of course it left me to wonder what was wrong. My mom down there, has been very sick the past couple years and hasn't been progressing in a positive direction as late. I tried calling her back (my sister), but only got her voice mail as usual. (I call quite often and leave messages with no return from them. After my 8th or 9th attempt I either get them on the phone or they actually call back.) Lately my attitude has been "Why Bother?" But then, I get the attitude from them that I don't try. Seems I can't win. And what good is it for me to argue the point? I could say "Yes I call but you don't return my calls and then when I don't call, you say "I don't call." If you get my point or reason from any of that which I just typed, then understand that this is how it has been my whole life with this family. (They are my adopted family by the way. My family here in Oregon, is my birth family. Just trying to keep the reference straight.) At any rate, it is frustrating. This is where my "I am not good enough" little voice in the back of my mind stems from. Deep roots were nurtured there. And they like to water them frequently and with lots of fertilizer. Don't get me wrong either, I love them. Truly. They have supported me in many ways, and the best I think they new how. I am thankful for them. I want to make sure to get that across too. Not just the ugly. Anyway, I don't think this was such a good topic for me to ramble on about either. My mom is sick. And I am worried that something has gone very wrong. I am just not sure when I will actually hear about it.

G'nite.