1 out of 365

Well, Happy New Year. I am not sure about the way it is starting. Maybe it will be a sampling of what is to come. I hope not. Why does everything have to be such extreme? Just a happy medium is all I seek. I think the benefits of those particular extremes can be, without the extreme itself. But I am thinking that it is just me that feels that way or truly believes it can be.

So here alone I sit. 2am. Wondering when I will be able to let go of this fear and let things just be. Men are funny creatures. I dont' know that I will ever understand them or if they could even try to understand me. I think that you can fall in love with someone and not have that be some precursor to marriage. I have been down that road twice, simply because we fell in "Love" (supposedly) and that was the next thing to come or I guess they were both for convenience, now that I think about it, just different types. Well frankly, I think you can have that kind of love without putting a piece of paper to it. Why can't there be a committed relationship without living together or marrying each other? I don't want to be afraid to feel those feelings either, because someone may think that if I do feel that way then that naturally means I want marriage. Sheesh. How frustrating. I also don't want to feel that for someone if they aren't feeling it for me. One sided relationships aren't relationships at all. I don't want to be used just for someone else not to feel lonely. I am worth much more than just an escort for the evening or a couple months until something better this way comes.

My good friend once said... "I don't have any give left." I understand that. I know it.