Funny face

Ya know...I started this new account on another site and my log in name is Hypocrite. Hummm. Just the fact that I picked hypocrite...has some meaning to it, however. Makes one think.

Anyway...the whole relationship thing is way too complicated. I, frankly, am tired of arguing my point only to have it twisted into something it isn't. Perhaps, I am not getting my thought across in the correct way. I do much better with communication when I can write out my thoughts versus actually having to explain them with voice. I lose track and get distracted with emotions and then the whole thing I was going with, turns into something else or just a different direction. Ugh. I am frustrated. Well, I was. Now...I am fine. :P

Ya know...sometimes I feel like a guy. And then there are times when I am so much a female, it is scary. To my own self even. (I am speaking emotionally...not physically. Just thought I would clear that up for ya.) Sometimes, I have to wonder if I am upset with someone because of their behavior or if it is with myself, because I know the things I want aren't right. (this is where the hypocrite part comes in) I really just don't know. (No..I am not plagiarising. *inside joke*)

With my past relationships gone sour, I have learned to stand back from what I am feeling, most times, and look at why I am feeling or perceiving a certain situation in the way that I am. What is it that I want? Do I feel the way I do because of what I am/not getting from this other person, or is it because I am fearful of past circumstances repeating themselves? Fearful of feeling too much? Or fearful that I have to give up something that I value? My friend told me that I am not "ready" for a full blown relationship. I agree with that. I am not. I don't want nothing, but I don't want it all. I feel like it should be so simple but yet it turns out sooo complicated. Then, (I know..another "then") I have to wonder if the complication I feel, is because it doesn't work with my morals and beliefs. What to do? I just don't know and end up confused.

Tonight...I gave up. I said fug it, this is what I want right now, this moment. I don't want to think about tomorrow...yesterday or next year. Just, right now. I like that. It works for me when in that frame of mind. Regret? Nope. Because it was my decision. (the last 9 statements are the guy part) I can't complain about something that I made a conscious decision to do.