Ok saw the movie Sideways last night. My evening turned out much different than what I thought and it was so much fun. But the movie...was funny. Dang me. Not what I expected at all...but then I didn't really have any expectations. I had no clue what it was about. It was one of those...somewhat artsy, film festival types that had me hoping I didn't pee my pants there in the seat. Too much...
"I've been a bad bad girl" *laughing my ass off*
Ok so...spending time alone this morning I read something that I shouldn't have. Now it brings a flood of memories I don't want to remember. It hurts. And I am kicking myself for doing so. Duh Michelle...and you thought this would be good why? I have those questions in my mind again as to why I am so easy to lose. Why am I so dispensable? Do I mean so little to some that meant the world to me? I hate that feeling. And it gets me everytime I ponder on the person that really felt different. I know this sounds horrible, but I sometimes wish they were gone from the face of this earth. Some sort of permanence to the escape of their existence. I dont' get why this one has been so hard. What is so freaking different about it that I have this trouble? It was much easier letting go of others (in retrospect) and this one stays with me for some inexplicable reason.
(looking back on that last paragraph...I see it as the metal brick in my wall of fear. Not even metal...but some impenetrable, indestructible material not of this planet. It is the nemesis...the force to be reckoned...and the one thing that holds me back from being completely happy. I see in my mind this place of that happiness but yet a small gray cloud hangs in the corner. Sometimes increasing in size and then releasing and reducing back down. But always there, just the same.)
So...I have so much to do today that I am hoping this will be the last thought on it for today. I have many possibilities and opportunities to move forward. My focus is those and where I need to place the importance.
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