Red ball bouncing

I have these times when I find myself contemplative. Not so much sad...just deep in thought. I reflect on the people in my life present, past and possible future. Although I try, mightily, not to look into the future. The future and my hopes and dreams bring me down to earth, inevitibly, as to where I am now. And now is what counts. And now isn't so great.

I have been seeking, with great desire, how to forgive. And I am not talking about blowing off something insubstantial. I mean something that wrecks you down to the core of your being. To what some might call unforgivable, depending on your perspective. It may not seem so deep and meaningful to some, they may truly believe and feel it to be not much at all. But they aren't the one that experienced it and or have your own personal way of thinking. At any rate, I need to learn forgiveness. Truly, honestly and deeply. I think of all the reasons why I shouldn't. And then all the reasons why I should. I think upon, that if this person had asked forgiveness about what was done to me of God? He surely would have it. No questions asked. It is there for the taking. I think that I should be able to do the same. If He can..they why shouldn't I be able to as well. All I can think is that...I am not God. I am Michelle...human, fleshy, mistake ridden me. I wonder, that this may be the one thing that is holding me back. If I can forgive, I can be free of it. But how? How truly does one do that and mean it deep within? I have tried and said to myself that I do...but honestly? (and ya'll know I am) I don't forgive it. And how many times can one say they are sorry? Until they get it right.

I don't preach. At least I don't think I do. I am sure...someone would tell me differently. If someone questions me on my Faith, then I will gladly answer. Faith is about choice. Why were we given human will? To make the choice to believe. How much honor does it give to choose Him out of our own desire? Quite a bit, if you ask me. I don't throw scripture to anyone but myself. And I don't appreciate it when someone does to me, because as it says... those in glass houses should not throw stones. (metaphorically) (I am not going to quote the exact scripture cause I just said I don't do that...ok ok John 8:6) Anyway, in example, would be Mag Bast. Hello? Like I don't know who you are. And you are quoting this particular scripture to me? Maybe, just maybe, you have been forgiven. Maybe you have stooped lower than you normally function and asked for it to be given. Great. I am happy for you. What a great step towards the right direction for you. Truly and sincerely, that is awesome. It is always a blessing when someone can be humbled in such a way. But it doesn't take it away for me. It doesn't help me deal with what transpired. I am bothered that here this person has possibly made some sort of step towards making things right and is thriving, while I stay behind, still trying to work through it. I was the one treated bad and wronged but yet I am the one stagnant. I thought today about how if I could only treat people in such a fashion then maybe I would move forward. Be hateful Michelle...be uncaring and superficial, be greedy and selfish and just maybe you will win over all. It would seem to work for most. (Yeah I know..I am "here" again. Sorry...)

I know I can't do that. I know that it just isn't my makeup as a person to be that way. I know that what I say here now is contradictory to how I feel about this person. I know that I am not only angry about what transpired with this person, that I am also angry that my prayers feel unheard. I am blind to whatever answers may have been given, even though discernment is requested daily. There are a lot of things I know. I have been told, I have read and I have listened. But I still feel at a loss.