Would you erase me?

I made it through most of my day. Although, I took a couple hours off early to come home and possibly sleep....to no avail. Dag nab it anyway. I tried. Desperately. But sometimes, when you try too hard, it just doesn't happen. It is hard for me to sleep during the day. I feel like I need to be doing something, be somewhere...or accomplishing, anything. It always sounds so good though...

I set up my daughters computer yesterday. (My old one) In doing so, I went through some old old stuff I had on there. Files, documents, writings, videos, pictures and emails. I was surprised by what I had saved. Things I hadn't thought of in such a while. Well, since I got this system. It was sort of like setting a huge piece of my life aside and moving on to something fresh and new. Like an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" therapy. But then of course...there is this blog. A full and hearty reminder of past events and emotions. ( When i first saw that movie I thought...how could anyone want to erase anything?, when what you live and learn from is valuable. But I must say, I find myself sometimes understanding the desire to do such a thing.)

I found an old email. One of apology. I thought...hmmm...it really was very nice. At the time I didn't think so. I was so angry. I don't think anything said by him would have stirred anything but anger, at the time. And obviously, that is still sometimes so. But mostly I am ok with it all. Which really only makes any difference to me. It never made any difference to him which is what caused a lot of the hurt. I wanted it to matter enough to make a difference. But...that is ok. It is for him to deal with one day. Not me.

I read back through old stories, poems...my unfinished book that will remain so it seems. I don't have the discipline, the structure that real writers do. I can't seem to force it to come. If I do, then I inevitably find myself critisizing it to death. A slow, smoldering burn seems just.

I read the deep, philosophical letters sent to me by my friend Chris. He had this amazing way of interpreting scripture, life and emotion. Our friendship was brief, and for valid reasons. But, I am thankful for the time shared. I am still hoping that one day I will go to his Vid Production site and see that he is making a full go of it. He is talented and needs to see that his dreams are just as important as anyone elses. It can take priority and be profitable too.

It was odd, going through the hard drive of my brain. But glad I did.

"It is only through the process of loss, that you discover what you had to begin with..."