Regurgitatus

I had this post all typed out in my head last night, and actually started to put it on here. But, I thought about many times I had already posted yesterday (one would think I did nothing but), and the substance of my current thoughts, and the friend that posted about "Whiney Hineies" (you know who you are) and decided I would just sleep on it all.

Yesterday, was a weird day. This past week has been filled with thoughts and not so much regrets, as lessons that just didn't go over very well with me. It is like I didn't get it quite right and let's walk through this one more time shall we? No. 2 pencils only, and no calculators or notes allowed.

Talking to the JYD yesterday was sort of the pinnacle. He really hasn't changed. No difference. Still the same "It is all about me and what I want and how might you be able to give it to me?" person. It blows me away and I really have nothing to draw on to understand that mentality. There are so many of them too. I have had three, truly important, in my heart of hearts, relationships in my life. Each one of them, have been this type of person. I used to think they were the minority and I have had some really bad luck. Now, I am seeing that they are the majority. How do people become this way? Is it something they are born with, or are they simply victims of a society that is all about focusing on the self? I can't seem to chew well on the victim mentality. Something about the texture makes me gag.

I know I go on a lot about relationships. Successful ones have eluded me and I have tried to find ways of improving my thoughts, perceptions, and ways of dealing with a given situation. It has been my crux, my wall, my "can't get over this gap 'cause I can't see the bottom and I am afraid of falling" thing in my life. (we always seem to focus on what we don't or can't have) But how can you have something good if you are with someone that isn't made of the same mojo? No matter how important something is to you personally, if it isn't for them, then it is all for not. Maybe a small seed was planted, but even the little packs of seed you buy have some, that just don't grow. Then, there are those that tell you they have changed because of your words, because of how they hurt you and realized within themselves that they needed to do it different. But they didn't do it different with you. They did it with someone else. They thrive, profit and find happiness they didn't know existed. Well, that's great. I am truly happy for them. Meanwhile, I am sitting here alone. Wondering when someone will do it right with me. It is sweet to know that you have inspired change to come about in someone, it is bitter when that change isn't reflected back on you.

I don't think it is selfish to believe you deserve what you would only give back ten fold.