ClearingHouse

DO you ever wish that certain people would just go away? Move. Leave town. Go to that place that they think might actually fit their ego. That, I am a big fish syndrome. I know it would be ok with me, if they did.

I saw Matt tonight. My daughter and I went to the Cascade Festival of Music. It has become our thing to do together. It was awesome as usual. But I had that weird sense of dread that I might see him. And so I did. With the girl he started going with when I was pregnant with his child. Of course, he didn't know it, the pregnancy, as I didnt' know it at the time, myself. I didn't know until I had lost it. I didn't even tell him then. Heck, I only told my mom not too long ago. It all seemed rather pointless. I was the one that felt it, the loss, the pain and the tears. So, why bother telling someone that didn't even think I was worth his time and effort and "chance". And why tell family when the whole thing seemed so foolish to begin with. "Yes, my family, not only did I let this person use me to get his needs met, but I let myself get pregnant too." (on birth control no less) He got together with her 2 days after being with me and telling me how he "was letting himself have feelings for me". I was so caught up in his drama, that I actually believed him. When at the time, that day, he knew he was traveling to go see this girl. Hedging his bet. Nice.

When I had told him of it (the miscarriage), some 3 months later, he had nothing to say. No "I am sorry.." no "It must have been hard for you to go through alone..." Nothing. He merely said "I don't know what to say..." (his theme statement) and "it must mean more to women than to men." Apparently. It was then that I realized how this person I had been in love with for so many years, had no compassion. He didn't know how to give, only take. No sense of remorse for the way he had treated me. He denied using me to get rid of his current girlfriend. But how would you see it? If he let this girl believe that we had been "together" when they were still "together" when the truth is that we weren't. Or so he had said to me... I doubt, now, the honesty of anything he said to me. How can I not? He is kinder to strangers than he was to me, someone he knew for several years. He made an apology in an email. Backhanded, as it was, the cowardess it possessed in email form, but an apology of sorts. He referred to me as a friend he let down. huh? A friend he let down? How about a woman that he used and treated with nothing but malice? He has never, yet, to this day, acknowledged the fact that I lost his child. He has never, once, acknowledged anything that transpired. Apologies are meaningless if the person giving it doesn't know what the apology is for. I don't expect him ever to do so. He is one of those people that feels victimized when someone expresses the hurt he has caused to them, as if the person that was hurt is the one that had done wrong. Amazing, the manipulation. He has benefitted from his actions with me. Which leads me to the "It's not fair" feeling. But what can I do...except be thankful that she, isn't me. He gives himself a lot of credit, but truly, it isn't merited. Sorry, but you aren't worth as much to me, anymore, as you think you are Matt. I see you as someone so completely pitiful and sad. And what goes around comes around. It truly does and it Will come back to you.

Don't take this post wrong. I am not upset, not sad, or even angry. I really just feel "matter of fact" about it all. It is what is was. I am not looking for sympathy. I am just writing it out. I don't want to go on about something that really is, so long ago. I just needed to write out some of the details that I tend to "leave out". I began, once, to write the whole thing down. But it was too raw at the time. And, it is better than going on about it to friends when they could really care less. It was a long time ago, just sometimes, the hurt still feels wet and the scar tissue takes up space in my head.

I don't know if I will ever have another "love" relationship. (I honestly don't think I have had one yet) I don't know if I will ever be able to fully trust someone. I truly do try. It isn't right to put my past on anyone else. I dont' wear past hurts like War metals on my sleeve. There is nothing more annoying than going on a date with someone and hearing how their last girlfriend did them wrong. All the things she did that he didn't like and how bad she hurt him. It isn't that I don't care, but how can I ever be confident that I am being viewed for who I am versus what the last person was to them? Make sense? I don't talk about this stuff when I am dating someone. Have I been hurt? Hell yeah. And it sucked and took me a long time to get over. But it isn't his responsibility to make it better or do it different. All I ever expect is for them to be who they are. And, sometimes, who they are, isn't what I want. Vice Verse I am sure...

Yeesh...