I wasn't going to post. I wasn't going to write anything on here and I thought, for maybe a long time. But I am sitting here in this quiet house. There is only so much surfing one can stomach and the TV doesn't work for me. I make really stupid choices sometimes. And then, I pay the price, feel sorry for being such an idiot again. It just keeps circulating these past couple years, well actually I guess more than that if you think about it, and I still let myself get caught in the crap. What is with that? You would think I would have wised up by now. Am I so lonely and (I can't believe I am saying this) desperate that I take a risk that isn't even a risk but a given?
I have a lot on my plate that I am trying to resolve. With finances, work and my ever messed up personal life. I didn't need to see what I saw today. Did the Lord really think it was something I could handle dealing with right now? Apparently so. Cause there it was. And for whatever reason I took the drive up his street and stopped at his house. I was meant to see it. The little flip flops on the entry and their two heads bob up as I stood in the doorway. They looked really cozy laying together on the couch, arms around each other. There is nothing wrong (to him) with how he lives his life. And truly, there is nothing I can say about it. It isn't like I didn't know he had "other" girls he talked to. Talked to. But again, that is my stupidity for believing. And for letting him...with me.
Anyway, I am thinking God pushed me a little to far this time.
5 comments:
It seems when we make choices we regret 'God" takes the blame. (You are not the first to do this...and I'm pretty sure you won't be the last.) Risk's are like anything else, they come with their own 'rules'.....only somehow more dangerous. You took one and it didn't turn out as you'd hoped. But one note: You knew before going ahead it was 'risky'.
History is destined to repeat. It's true for me.....for you....and for all time. I'm sorry it resulted in pain once again. Sometimes 'God' must reveal the obvious in a way we will notice or we are 'destined' to repeat our own history....ergo, repeating the pain. "He" is loving you, protecting you. "He" will heal your heart. "His" timing is perfect. (I must admit I question that part) but alas it's true.
Hang in there. The loveliness that is you will find what you are looking for. I just feel it.
XXOO
I know...I didn't mean to blame Him. It is just the timing. I don't get it. And it isn't that I didn't know the risk. I did. Full well and so I feel...stupid. For lack of a better word to describe my actions.
My disappointment isn't in this person, or God but with myself.
I am fine. No worries...
I didn't mean to place blame or fault.....and the jerk to whom you refer is the issue here....not you. I do believe that sometimes the Lord will reveal a truth to us in a way we will recognize. That's all...not blame. AND you are so not stupid. Sincere and caring comes to mind. Romantic even......
XXOO
I said I wasn't going to cuss today...
Anyway Mee-shell, lol!
I think you and I are similar in that we often see the best parts of a person's soul, long before those aspects are made manifest on the outside. My child's father is a hero in my eyes... but so far, he's behaved something like a big fat ZERO. Deep down I knew that he was trouble... I guess if I had been more critical or even distrusting, I could have spared myself this drama... am I venting on your blog? There's definitely a point coming somewhere... excuse me while I try to locate it. LOL! To wrap this up, we're not stupid at all. But I don't think we can honestly live our lives completely from a logical level. Somethings we have to simply feel our way through. I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes, but I honestly think that we can be who were are and something good will come out of it. At times I feel like I'm my own worst enemy... with my willingness to offer the benefit of the doubt being my life's falling anvil, at some point I believe it will pay off. Someone will hold my heart safely and I will be allowed to be me. Same theory applies to you sweetie.
I sure hope so Melissa. I see good in some really less obvious type people. Or maybe I am just hoping the good exists. I don't know... I am ready for it though.
And, You can vent on here anytime you want!
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