Take a load off...

First..I would to ask that a prayer be said for Noggin'. She is from Lake Charles, LA. Moved here about a year and half ago. Most of her family is there and while they did evacuate, it is still their home. I sincerely hope all is well and they come through this storm with minimal catastrophe. She was quite distraught yesterday, and while I don't necessarily agree with how she went about gaining support, I do feel for her worry and sadness.

And while you are there and really most important to my heart, (and I know we all have our own issues and there are people out there that need it right now) say something for my mom (birthmom) if you can. She is an amazing woman and has been having some difficulties with her health. She has been given the run around by Dr.'s and really just needs some answers. I adore this woman, she is my inspiration, my second chance (I need to explain that someday) and this solid rock in my life that I am not sure how I made it without. Well, I was pretty screwed up there for a while and I honestly am not sure where I would be or how I would be, had I not met her some 12 years ago. (and since you will most likely read this mom, I am not sucking up...I just love you and you can never have to much prayer and people rooting for you), I have never (and I don't use such permanent words lightly) known anyone that understood my thoughts as much as she. She knows what my heart feels and how it feels, she knows the questions and the longings that I think about, she knows the difficulties and worries that I face. She has been there and remembers. It is a value I can't explain.

So, while I sit here with my coffee (yum) and watching FoxNews go on about how money is going to be used for reconstruction in the recently affected areas of the storm (instead of reporting what the destruction is and who needs help. Burns my guts I tell ya, I could care about how the money will be used, at this point, and who is going to monitor it, Lords knows the people of this glorious nation will come to the aid of these folks if the gvrmt doesn't. Not to say that they shouldn't or won't, I just get tired of hearing them "analyze" it. And now this guy makes a comment, with voice inflection and drama about "the damage done" as if to say who cares. Uh..I am sure the people whose lives were affected care, ya big rating loving, suit wearing pompous... Ugh. What is this guy's name...he is getting on my last nerve. Oh then he say sarcastically "Oh look the levees again What do you know..." I really am taken aback my his style of reporting. Smart ass...)

Excuse my really long "aside" and um...vent. My post was going to be a bit more selfish. What was I doing...oh yes my coffee. Which is now about to the bottom...I was thinking about my cynicism and trust issues. See, i went on this lunch date the other day. I met this guy, Dave, through a single parent group which is pretty much a "personals" group because, let's face it, we are all single. Anyway, he is single but doesn't have any children of his own. He was married to a woman that had 2 children and he was step parent to them for many years, pretty much since their toddlerhood. Anyway, he considered himself a single parent and felt that, at his age (39), he wasn't going to be with a woman that didnt' have children anyway. He has also been in the military for 22 years. Active 11 and reserves for 11.

My trust issues, we went to lunch. It was great, we talked and the time seemed to pass too quickly. He asked if he could call me that night and said he would ring at about 7pm. I told him sure, he could call and he also mentioned that he was helping a friend move. I left the date feeling pretty good. Although, I questioned my move of shaking his hand. Shaking his hand? Why did I do that? It was like saying "hey it was to have had lunch with you and have a nice life." So I thought I screwed up there. I was just trying to be polite and let him know I had a good time without being too...I dunno...touchy or something. I suck at the dating thing and the awkward moment of saying goodbye. Anyway, I made sure to stay offline so he could call. I didn't exactly sit by the phone or something, I busied myself with the myriad of other things I needed to get done. 8pm came around and no phone call. Ok. My immediate thought was that "Why the heck did he say he would call if he couldn't?" He was helping a friend move afterall and I am sure it went longer than expected. And if that was the case then don't tell me you want to call and a time etc... Then, I thought, maybe it was just his way of getting out of that awkward goodbye moment and it was easier to say he would call instead of saying "Well it was nice having lunch, have a nice life."

I analyze too much. I talked to my mom and griped because another guy was seemingly typical. That I didnt' appreciate being told something and then no follow through. It is a huge red flag for me and sometimes I rip it off the flag pole and run with it waving over my head. Sheesh. Granted it was just a first date, just lunch etc. It isn't like he owes me anything. But, I took it for more meaning too soon.

That, was Wednesday. On Thursday my mind was made up that it was just a closed door and I was fine with moving forward. I had a good time at lunch and it was another nice experience I can chalk up to the dating game. I have gotten a bit immune to this stuff. He called that night. I was surprised, really, and didn't expect it. He, first off, apoligized for not calling when he said he would. That, the moving took longer than expected and he didn't feel right calling me so late at night. I said it was ok and that I understood. He then said, it isn't ok because he doesn't like it when he says he is going to do something and then doesn't follow through.

Huh.

An intimate snack of crow soon followed within my ownself and we had another good conversation. He is out of town this weekend but would like to call me next week.

I realized that my thoughts were unfair. I realized how I am so quick to pass some sort of judgement on a man, specifically, because of my own past experience. I think to myself that I am just being careful with my heart. Careful that I don't get hurt, that I don't let myself fall for someone too quickly without measuring all the options. And while I do still believe all that is important and necessary, I think I have gone to the other extreme. I need to balance and let my wall down a little.

At least enough to peek over and see something more than what I have already written on the brick.