White Horses

Sometimes my head is a thick forest full of underbrush. So, as I sit here with my mind wandering in every direction, I listen to my Train CD.

I went through my mail. Can't say as it was anything interesting...bills don't ya know. Tomorrow, I will go to work in my attempt to maintain.

Work. I have been with my company for 4 years now. It wasn't the direction I ever thought my life was going to take. But things aren't always what we "think" they are going to be. Will I stay here till I retire? Will I be able to retire? Will I ever have the resources, desire, time and nerve to start my own office like so many say I should do? Perhaps this marketing thing I am working on will actually take off and become something profitable...who knows. I think it can. But I feel like an important element is missing. I want to give my daughter opportunities that I didn't have. I don't want her to hear the words from her boss "Some are just more fortunate than others." like I did. As if to say, I am not. I am still not sure how to make any of it come to fruition. I feel like I have the type of salary that is meant to supplement rather than be the main source.

Emotions. I haven't written creatively in over a year and a half. A poem here...one over there, but that is it. I get letters asking for a new submission. I toss them out. I lost something back then. Maybe it was the situation I was dealing with that caused me so much grief. My camera brings me relief these days. I can say something without finding the right word. Somehow, just the putting it here, the fact that I haven't written, makes me want to. A little.

Desire. I went and saw CJ last week. It was his birthday today and I took him a card. But my intent was more selfish than anything. I wanted the opportunity to look him in the eye and tell him how I felt. No chat, online, where he could run. I told him that I was wrong. That no matter how many times I had said that I didn't want a relationship, I was wrong. The truth is that I do. One that is equally monogomous, honest, caring, nurturing and supportive. That a healthy relationship is two people coming together as individuals. Maintaining that individuality while simultaneously able to come together and appreciating being one. (Ideally with that emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical connection) I told him that I once wanted that with him but that I realized he doesn't understand the concept of "relationship". At least not one that is different from that of a 14 year olds thinking. I know I didn't have to go to see him to believe it. It was like some sort of proclaimation to myself. When you have to face someone and tell them some sort of confession, it makes it real. For me it does, and I wanted to be sure he knew where I was coming from. He tends to have this all knowing way of thinking. The type of person that tells you how you feel versus listening to how you truly do. Anyway, I told him I was sorry for him, in that, he didn't understand the value. He argued with me, and then admitted that he had thought sometimes, that he did want some of the same as I had mentioned. (Not with me but in general.) He also talked about the little brown haired girl I caught him with and the bunch of others that are just, ya know, friends. But, then he told about how he was trying to reach a girl he saw online in a personals ad and wasn't sure how to get a hold of her. Heh. Some will never get it.
I may have to deal with those lonely moments a bit more often, instead of seeing him every now and again. But it is much more rewarding to be true to myself.

Friends. Real life and real time. Close to home or far away. The world seems so small when you talk with someone at a distance that connects to you in some way. Until you wish they were closer...and then the world is so large. You can't meet them for lunch on Wednesday, catch a movie on Friday, or walk through the park on Sunday. There is no seeing that flash in their eye when you confide a secret or share a laugh. But it is just as valuable. Just...different. A new kind of lonely.

Fear. I didn't go the BendFilm festival this year. It was this weekend. I was told I could volunteer and work with a friend at Midtown. I thought that I would...but couldn't bring myself to do it. He understands why I hope. Sorry "Jake". The possible run in with someone was more than I wanted to think on or do. I am disappointed in myself that I felt strongly enough to avoid something I love. And there were certianly some independent films I really wanted to see. I am sure it was awesome. But, time moves on, as do others, and next year is another. Who knows where I will be then...

Hope.