20 Lbs

Well then. Today was Monday eh?

I added word verification. I had no choice. The spam...the nasty, fatty, you can't even call it bologna, chopped meat by-product that it is. Bleah..

There were obstacles today. Some cleared, some not. Some, I am just too frustrated on to mention. Or well ok, maybe I can. In a way. Ugh. I am just frustrated because i am tired of not being heard. Of not getting some sort of respect for my opinion. I know I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder. The "I am a single parent and can't handle it" chip. Sometimes, I overcompensate. Sometimes, I am completely stubborn and don't accept help when I really need it. I know. I am aware of it and even when I am trying to let help come or backdown from something I hold as really important, it is hard. Truly hard and it weighs on me heavily until it is over. Anyway, I am not sure that this is a fight I should battle. Or just let it go. I am upset that I was just dismissed as some questioning fool that has no place to question or disagree. But it has to do with my daughter. And I don't have any compromise in me, when it comes to her.

On the work front, Noggin' gave her two week notice. She is moving back to Louisiana. I am sorry for that. I really am. But my feelings were mixed. Part of me, relieved. Which in turn makes me feel horrible for being happy about it. Part of me, feels angry. So much time and money invested, for her to walk away. And part of me, is just not sure. I met with my boss after work, he said he wasn't angry with her, that there wasn't any problems with her that he knows of (that he knows of...I could carry a good conversation on that one) and he informed me of the load I am going to need to carry, once again. I know I can do it, I know I will do it...I am just wondering at what price. The "Be careful what you ask for..." keeps ringing through my head.

Lunch date guy...turned out to be just a lunch date. He did call last week and said he would call me so we could do something this last weekend. He didn't call. Which is really just fine with me. I wish I could say I was disappointed. I almost feel odd, that I am not.

My youngest brother is still confused. I don't get it. I know I was pretty oblivious when I was his age, but this just seems of magnificent proportions. I wish I could tell him and for him to understand, that what he is thinking he is seeking, is right before his face. But unless you know otherwise and have experienced it, then I guess you can't see it, can't understand it. I don't know. I only know my own experience, and it was much different than his. I can't even imagine the kind of worry, the kind of sadness, anger and disappointment my folks are feeling. But with all of that, they love him still. I don't know that I would have done anything different if it were my child.

But with all this going on around me, I am thankful. My daughter is healthy, I have a home and a place to lay my head. I have food on the table even if it isn't until 8pm, and heat to warm us through this 23 degree night. I have my dreams of someone close and a pillow that is just the right size to wrap my arm around. I have an awesome extended family, and parents that love through the toughest and most trying of times.

It's good.