See ya real soon...

I take my mom to the shuttle at 6AM tomorrow. Our visit was sort of...there. I am not sure how to explain it. She was her usual quirky/odd self. I was my usual stand offish self. I didn't get too close, I didn't strive to work out past issues, I just let it be what it was. And now, I wish it could have been better. I wish the past would have melted away and evaporated into thin air. Funny how scars can suffocate and create a barrior. I understand it's protection, but I don't like it's titanium like toughness. I don't know that if it were different, that it would have been good. I think it is just that part of me that always wants something to be good, to be better. I dont' do well with acceptance, to me...it is like giving up. To just accept something as it is, when you know it could be so much more, just doesn't seem right. I am not talking about how some look at the other side of the fence and say the grass is greener, I am talking about working with what you've got, finding joy and the good in what you already hold in your hand. It's different...

I wanted to hear something good from her about my life. Maybe that is selfish, I dunno. I just wanted to hear her say she is proud of me. In some way, about some aspect of it...but all I got was what I was doing wrong and how I could do better. "You shouldn't be doing 'this' Michelle and you need to change 'that'." Ok...well, what about this and that and what about the other thing? Does she only see that things I need to do better? Does she really think I am not aware of these things? Why does she still treat me like I am an 8 years old when I have raised a child on my own that is nearly 12? And look at her? Is she not absolutely wonderful in every sense? I sure as hell think so. And she didn't get that way on her own.

It frustrates me, and yes...it even angers me. How many times do I have to apologize for being a burden on her life? How many times and for how many years do I need to carry around guilt for something I had no control over? How many times do I have to apologize for not creating a life that she deems as acceptable? So I don't have a lot of money, I don't have a big fancy house in the city or expensive cars. Maybe I don't want those things...ok the "a lot of money" part would be great. But I like living in a small town with a cozy house. There is a lot to be said for simplicity.

I am ranting, I know. I think I just needed to. For two weeks I have held in the urge to look at her and say "NO! You are not allowed to make me feel this way!" On the other side of that, I know that no one can "make" you feel anything. It your choice, your decision to take those words heard and put meaning and truth behind them. But it's hard when they are words you had heard so many times, gestures, looks, and implications that riddled your youth. It is hard to take those same things now, and look at them in a new way.

Anyway, Rachel and I are planning a trip to Disney World in Florida this year. I think we need a bonafide vacation. I really wanted Hawaii...but I think Rach would have more fun with Mickey.