Clearing house

I was up till 3:30am this morning. Wide awake and bushy tailed, while the rest of world slept, hopefully comfortably, in their beds.

My Mom is still struggling with her discomfort. And I think discomfort is putting it mildly. But when you are not the one feeling the pain, then how can you describe it? All I know is that it worries me. I think most of me feels such a tight hold on her because I don't feel like I have had enough time with her. (It's been 14 years this last February when I first talked to her on the phone. After nothing short of a miracle that she received my letter. [Who says there isn't Angels?] After 700+ entries in this journal, I am not sure if I have ever posted that story, but I will someday.) It is not that she is on her death bed or anything, but just the thought of someone you love so deeply, not knowing and not getting the help they need when they need it, is disheartening to say the least. I told her, this morning, that I was going to be one of those annoying children that fusses over her every need when she is older. I don't like to think of her as being "older" or even elderly and needing that kind of attention, but it is part of the circle. Like it or not. I plan on sharing that time with her, and damn thankful that I get that time, too.

I am really thankful for the Prayers offered. Thank you Frenzied and Tech. If you were closer, I'd give you each a big hug. I am not sure that what is wrong is anything major or not. I am Praying it's not, of course. But with all that she has sought to correct this last year, it worries me. More so, because the Dr.'s aren't helping.

Anyway, Yeah! For journals where you can put your thoughts of worry, joy, anger, happiness, sorrow and excitement. It has certainly helped me. My own, not so private, psychoanalysis. :P

Ahem, I have had some nice emails with "The Cop". We have a lot in common, he seems really nice and he would like to meet for coffee this week. I guess we will see if it happens. He mentioned getting the nerve up to call me and that he talks about me to his partner. Kind of charming in a way, I think. Why would he be nervous about calling me? Funny. It is just me. He said he doesn't want to make a bad impression. I think that is the first time I have heard a guy say that in a long time. Ever, really. Pretty much all the men I have dated the past couple of years, with the exception of "Lunch Date Guy", were only looking to score. They could have cared what I really thought of them. Needless to say, getting past a first date didn't happen much. If their hands came anywhere near my breasts by the end of the night, I had their number and my interest level dropped to near non existant. If any part of our correspondence prior to the date consisted of sex talk, I pretty much knew it wasn't going to go very far to begin with. I learned quite a while ago, that sex does not equal love. And for me, you can't have one without the other. It's just better that way. And I am all about making it better these days. Anyway, "The Cop" has been totally respectful in our conversations. ANd our conversations don't consist of all of our past hurts or what came before. I love that. We talk about now, our interests and the future. 'Cause frankly, I don't want to hear about who did what, when and how when I am trying to get to know someone. Not until I have some understanding of what makes them who they are. I know the past shapes who we are to a certain extent and it isn't that I never want to hear about it or even tell my stories, but I certainly don't want to put my fears from the past onto someone in the present when they had nothing to with it to begin with. Make sense? You have to give the person in the present the chance to show who they are. Including me.

So, I am off to make some oatmeal and rake my yard afore the snow falls, again.