Whoa Nelly

I don't care what anyone says, Apples DO NOT belong in Oatmeal. Ick. I feel like I need to plug my nose while trying to eat this. No...it should be filled with brown sugar and nice cool milk.

I swear you give an inch and people want to take a foot. Damn it people I only have one right now anyway!? My daughters father wants her for another weekend. Of course, it is a weekend that we already have planned with other activities, so I said no. Technically, according to the agreement, he has visitation with her every other weekend. But, there are a lot of other parts of our agreement that he has not adhered to, so I am certainly not going to fret about denying the request. I am still a little irritated that they just assume that we have nothing happening and plan all kinds of stuff before they even ask me if it's ok. Hello? Do you really think my and Rachel's life revolves around you? Umm...No.

His new interest in his daughter is getting to me though. She has been all mine for the longest time, and now that he is married, he has suddenly started wanting to spend time with her. It is a hard thing to get myself used to. And, it's hard to release the grip.

Good Lord I just cannot eat this oatmeal...

Speaking of letting go, it is still an issue I struggle with. And not just My letting go of something, but being let go of. My point of (almost) no return was when someone I thought understood how it felt, took me in his arms, told me that I needed to tell him that I loved him and when I did, said... "I am not going anywhere. You can trust me." And then, ya know, left, shortly thereafter cause someone better came along. It was the biggest slap in the face, stab in the back, punch in the gut I had ever experienced. It was like someone handing you a winning lottery ticket and then saying "Psyche! Just kidding! *insert manical laughter here* (which I am sure he did.)" I don't think I can ever truly forgive this person for what he did to my insides (that were already twisted in knots). I can move past it, and certainly have, but remnants remain of the fear it produced and instilled.

As such, I am having problems with this new relationship. I feel something and I want to say something too, but dang me I cannot get the words out of my mouth. I just can't. It's like handing myself the noose. He keeps hinting and talking about the future.

What's the hurry anyway? I like it how it is. I feel safe with my feelings locked away tight inside. At least, for now.