Come Firth!

Well I'll be a goon dog sniffin at the possum at the door. (hard to explain that one but a good book) Anyway...

Someone actually links to me. Me? Me? Hummm....me...the girl that says way too much and expresses her opinions and convictions way too freely (I am getting better on this as I have written some really nasty things the past few days and haven't really posted it. I am proud), has someone that likes to read it. Well, I think likes it. How cool. :P

So I actually talked with this person that is ticking me off as late. He is so completely frustrating that it makes me want to jump his bones. Arg! Drives me nuts I swear. Men that challenge my way of thinking are so incredibly attractive it does me in. I shouldn't be saying any of this either, cause if he should happen to read then I just gave him some leverage. It is ok though....my strength has been put to the test before. B average...high C. Not exactly an acceptable grade point average but passing, nevertheless. My average dropped drastically with the last relationship or whatever you could call it. Relationship was a bad word. Anyway...I crumbled...folded...gave in. Only to find that he wasn't challenging intellectually...but challenged mentally AND emotionally. Ha! I crack myself up with that one. Exit stage left...or however you can get the heck out of there. I have been slowly building it back up from complete failure.

This current one is leaving me "vexed".

Ok cracking myself up again, cause we watched Pride and Prejudice tonight...the Really really long version, really long. The dang thing was a mini series spread over a few weeks and we watched the entire thing in one night. Vexed, It is my new word, well until I get bored with it. It is amazing how many times that word is used in the movie. But to see Colin parading around all wet and stuff....on the screen...was well worth the time. His big brown eyes are to die for...dang me. Yes, Colin can be that dark haired guy I always see in my dreams. Not fantasy dreams...sleep dreams. I have talked about him before though...ugh.

Ok straying again...

So we talked...sort of. I am not sure what happened. I mentioned that I am not a mind reader. I can only go by what actions are or are not taken. I said something really crude and was reminded at how crude it was. I know...I can go there but don't like to. Sometimes I am driven to a point of complete harshness and it spills forth like the molten lava it is. So I apologized. I will admit when I am wrong and/or inappropriate. It can be a plus. So...I understood some of his points and I think he understood some of mine. I really can't be sure. It is very odd...because listening to both arguments it would seem we are saying the exact same thing. But yet...neither one of us is getting the others words. Frankly...the baggage is in the way. His, is still laying open and not fully packed and me...I can't find the frigging key to undo the handcuffs from the handle.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other night. The guy that keeps asking me out and I keep backing out with. I told him of my issues with this situation...and he said "Why does he think you want marriage? You have put it pretty plainly to me and most likely him, that you do not." I said... "Because, men (generally speaking) assume and put this stigma on women, that if you want to feel love or some sort of closeness with a particular man, for reasons of just enjoying who they are and sharing your precious time with them, that automatically means that you are expecting marriage down the road. It is a stigma that I have not been able to overcome." (now this is all so contradictory to my belief in the Bible. It is hard for me to explain and I am thinking that the reason that this can't be is because it is not what is dictated. Do you see my struggles? I do take my Faith into consideration and what is the good thing to do. really.) I just want to be in it all right now, not what could be or might or should or can't. If you keep thinking about all the what if's...they turn into the can't be's. But yet I am being pushed back cause I am not allowed to feel the right now.

Is this making any kind of sense? Or am I just rambling at this point? Right...rambling.