The slate

Once again, I don't know where I am going with this. I woke up early again this morning and feel like I need to get this stuff out of my head.

My thoughts lately, have been riddled with the past and trying to get back to now. I am distracted, unmotivated and lacking some serious inspiration. My emotional stability has been teatering on the border of normal daily function and I don't know what. I have been just going through the motions and walking on egg shells within my own self. Am I some psycho about to blow and lose it? No. It just has been a tough time for me and I am working through it. An example would be Easter. While at my folks' house, I was having a cup of coffee. I was bumped into and the coffee spilled all over my sweater. I was fine at first, but while trying to wipe it off I broke into tears. ? It had nothing to do with the spill, I am just on edge and need to get myself to some solid ground.

I tend to do things wholeheartedly. I put all of myself into something I believe in. Sometimes, all those things at once. No one can function daily, for a long period of time, when they spread themselves so thin. Something gets neglected, such as my home, when you do that. So, I have been thinking of ways to simplify and be able to transition from work to home and back again. A big part of this is my attitude. I can't let myself be thought ridden over something I can't change, can't "fix", or even get some sort of understanding on to validate it. I need to be satisfied, in my own self, that I know what was right and is, for me.

And so...let me make some issues clear and put them in their place.

Matt, (this one is hard, and I will sincerely try to put some clarity here) I know that a big part of my hurt here is because I still care for this person. In a deep way. Ok fine...I still have love for him. Yeesh..make me say it why don't ya? :P So getting past all the stuff has been hard. But my realization has been, that because I still feel this way then I need to forgive. I am forgiving it. I know full well that I had my own issues at the time and I certainly don't mean to put all the fault on him. A huge part of it, yes...but not all. I played my part. It was difficult for me to understand the actions, when I had, for so long, cared so much for him. Even through my last marriage my thoughts would go to him and if he was happy. I like to think that if you treat others the way you would like to be treated, then they will naturally do the same. It isn't so. And it taught me a big lesson in humanity. Even the people, that you think only the best capable, can let you down. And show you what they are truly about. It has made me so sad to have to think this way about someone I saw and believed to be more. I don't expect you to understand my feeling and how deep it runs. Soemtimes, emotions don't have a word to describe. But that doesn't give them any less hold or meaning. I am trying to be honest here...I can't say that I am not going to revisit it again. Hurtful memories like to creep back up on you when your not lookin'. I am trying to be realistic here too. But I can say that, if i should see him on the street or about town, then a simple hello and smile will be all I will snap back with. No harsh words or digs, I promise.

Work and Noggin'. My mom has prayed with me that she reveal herself. That the flirty, southern charm she emits when around a man, 25 years or younger or my boss, be nothing but a thin sheath over her true self. (One that she definitly shows to me) God is faithful I must say. (Even if the answers aren't what you seek, see paragraph before). The pile of stuff I am still trying to sift through and worries me? Will get done. Even if I have to tell the intern to get out of my face and leave me be. His constant questioning and getting in my face is taking it's toll on my production. I need to get this stuff done, period. He was going on and on yesterday about how well we jive. Yeah it is great that we get along so well. He said he wants to find someone for his office just like me. That is great too, and just so you know...my loyalty is with my Current employer. Noggin', however...is up for grabs. ;) Let me open the door....

Right, so now I have taken too long and need to get ready for work...my alarm clock went off about an hour ago and has been going off in the distance.