Um no title

I am learning.

My first inclination is to lash out. For so many years I sat back and let be what is. The past few years, I have found myself unwilling and unsatisfied with the status quo. Unwilling to let those that hurt me walk away without ownership. Unsatisfied with anything less than their complete acknowledgment of responsibility for their actions taken with me. When their lack of consideration for me as a person goes fulfilled, I still sit back in amazement at the absolute callous and misrepresentation of a human being that they are. It is hard to let go of that need for validation from that person. And so...I write hateful words. I cut as deep as I can. Perhaps they will feel something within their own mind. A bleeding, a gaping hole where thoughts were once solid and formed. It sitll could never compare.

I wrote out those words today. Published it here. Luckily, I don't think anyone saw them. I took them back when I realized that once again I was letting it get the better of me. The situation only hurt me. Not them. Feelings and emotions are not something they possess. I have been living as if this person never existed. A blank spot, complete erasure from any kind of importance. They say "Better to have loved and lost..." I dont' think so. The loss always nullifies the love that was thought to be true. I have to say that I understand my friend CJ. Why bother? Loss is inevitable. And, haven't we felt enough?