Oh, don't you hesitate...

"Three little birds sat on my window, and told me I don't need to worry."

I suppose I should explain my prior entry. And seeing as the coffee is brewing on this cool early Sunday morning, Rachel still snug in her bed, resting from a busy and fun day yesterday, I have the opportunity to do just that. Get some coffee too, (or your morning drink of choice, I have some yummy sweet tea in my 'fridge if you'd like a cup :) it's going to be a long one with many "asides". :P

Speaking of one...

Have I ever mentioned how much I just adore and cherish my child? I suppose I have, but really, there are times, usually in the mornings before the world takes over my thoughts, that it brings my eyes to mist. I realize how my world is her. She is my glue, my hold, my every miracle and more. If only she knew. Someday she'll understand, when she has her own. Many...many years from now. *wiping brow*

"Just more than I could take, pity for pity's sake."

Chris and I have been having a bit of trouble. Frankly, I am just setting my boundaries. I have learned a lot over the years and I am certainly not going to waste those experiences (lessons) by letting go or looking past familiar
patterns that arise in a relationship. I am older now, wiser (I like to think) and a heck of a lot more direct with what I feel, think and know. (I thank my Mom for that. Her directness in the reality of a situation, helps me immensely. I have done pretty much all my "growing up" since I have known her and my Dad. It was just delayed a little ;) Ok then, Chris and me...he is in a situation with a roommate and in his personal life, that resembles that of someone much younger. He flips from job to job, he has a roommate that takes advantage and since he hasn't had much responsibility, other than himself in the last 36 years, he hasn't learned the fine art of sucking it up and doing what you have to do. He has spent the years of his life just doing what he can to get by. It's all rather...insecure. And as such, he goes into a "pity me" mode. I can't stand that kind of attitude. I have no sympathy for it, especially when I see so many busting butt and living with disabilities, heartache, true and real pain etc...

In my opinion, it's time to grow up.

"Summer came like cinnamon, so sweet."

Our relationship started out great. He was so considerate, concerned with my needs. And while he still shows absolute respect and continuously goes on about how "amazing and beautiful" I am, his focus is himself. In all conversations, it revolves around his situation, his drama. I am a bit tired of hearing the grief, it's time to change it. If you don't like what's going on in your world, then you take the steps to fix it. Period. No more whining about headaches, how it's too hot and how everything makes him uncomfortable. How much he hates getting up early to go to work, or how it's interferred with his "inner clock". Give me a break. It's time for a positive attitude and seeing just how good your life is and can be. It isn't about what you don't have, it's about what you've got.

"The more you stay the same, the more things seem to change. Don't ya think it's strange?"

I told him just that. We had several long talks. And this is new for me. For years I would be afraid to tell those I am in a relationship with, just what I thought straight out, because of my fear of "losing" them. When in the reality of it, it was probably best that I did. So I did this time. And it seems to be making a difference. HE is more positive in our conversations, he is finding value in his new job and talking about the long term with this company. He is finding ways to make his home life better in the interim and changing the long term with his roommate as well. Most of it is just "speak", his actions will tell me, for sure, if it really made a difference, I am hoping it does.

"Maybe sometimes, you feel afraid, but it's alright."

I do care about Chris. He is intelligent, witty and knows a ton about History and such. He loves God (and about time he put his Faith in Him). He loves music. all kinds like me, and when our relationship is good...it's really good. But right now, I feel like I am having to raise another child and it's putting me off. I want a relationship with someone that's another adult that takes care of business. So I think if I stay in this one, it might take me a while, after seeing if these changes he says he is making come to fruition, before I can get back to what I felt when we first met. It's another test for me. About letting go of the negative, myself, and believing a person can be better than the examples shown. It depends on his actions, however.

"Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams."

I am not walking away just yet. I am stepping back and slowing down though. And, ya know, it feels good to be respecting myself. My needs are important, my values and how I want my future to evolve. Frankly, I feel pretty damn liberated this last week or so. My ugly relationship past has paid off. I see and feel what I've learned.

Self worth is an amazing feeling :)

"Your gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow."

(My quotes are from Corinne Bailey Rae's song "Girl, Put Your Records On". She is awesome and her link is in the sidebar. Highly recommended!)