Who was that?

I plan on spending my day, cleaning out the clutter. That included my computers. (I say computers because my daughter has my old one and I plan on selling it since she received a laptop from her Dad for her birthday. Her desk would be much more usable without the bulk of a desltop on there.)

Anyway, I was going through old documents, and saved messages and came upon this one. I sent it back in March of 2005, which isn't really that long ago but for some reason it feels like a lifetime. I mention in there, how I am not sure what my lessons were from the experience. But seeing as I have changed, some good some not so, I have more understanding. Mostly that I am not going to let someone take advantage of me in such a hurtful way ever again. It may have created firmer walls within myself and difficulties where relationships go, but at least I know now, that a relationship and some outside source does not define me. I may have been used by this person, held down and left to feel worthless and undeserving, but truly, That person wasn't worthy of me. At any rate, Mentally it was a long time ago. I wonder now, how I felt so strongly about it. When there was so much better out there for me. This person is married now. And hey, that's great. He needed immaturity to justify his own.

"Matt,

With things that have happened as late, and with words of people, I am finding myself still feeling events as they had happened. I am hurt, angry, and sad still, as if it was all just yesterday. It was pointed out to me today, how when I express myself about that which is making me feel the way I am, that I talk about it as if it was now. I couldnt' argue, because I do feel as if it was now instead of so long ago.

I am trying to figure out why it feels as such, and all I can muster to explain is that I still do not have any result or learning, or closure I suppose. Don't get me wrong, I am not asking for anything from you. I know that isn't possible from you. You have attempted, which I suppose I should be appreciative of only that, but in the backhanded fashion you choose, it stung more than anything of relief. I know you can't seem to accept or acknowledge to me, what exactly transpired. To you...it was 2 friends enjoying themselves and sharing some good times. I, however, don't see it as good times at all. I shared....not you. I lost more than you could fathom....not you. You are the one who received what he wanted. By any means possible to you. Like you had said..I wasn't worth your time and something better for you lay out there. Apparently you found it.

I am guessing that my anger lies in the fact that you have found happiness. Or rather your version thereof. I have a problem with someone that treated me so badly finding pleasure and happiness when I have felt nothing but pain from them and continue to even now. Some sort of justice seems prudent to me...but I guess then, I am not the one that weilds it.

I am trying to find my way to forgiveness. I struggle with the fact that something so meaningless to someone finds such an anchor in myself. I struggle with how short a time it happened in, commanding such a lasting piece of my life. I dont' understand the hold it has on me and why it remains. If I can find the answers to these questions perhaps I can finally stifle the power it holds on me. I dont' know.

I am sure this means nothing to you. You are building your life in the way you want it. You don't know what it feels like. What I am feeling like. You don't have that kind of comprehension. So I don't expect it from you.

I can't explain my reason for sending this to you. Other than it is a way of me to process this out and feel that it has made some sort of mark on you. Some kind of seed of understanding, that what happened with me during that time was important."

I never heard back from him on this, which was in true fashion since he had/has a problem with accountability. But it didn't really matter. I knew he wouldn't and it was for my own need that I wrote it.

My whole point of this post? Well, that I can change. I can learn from my mistakes. And, while I may be getting older, I am certainly wiser. And that's a good thing!