Reflections

I read a lot of "Fat" blogs. People that are trying to lose weight, what they go through and what "plan" they are using. Those that treat it as a way of life, seem to be having the most success. They've come to grips that their bodies are different, they eat for the wrong reasons etc. But they have their moments too, of giving in, yet understand that it doesn't mean the journey stops, it just may be delayed a little. It's interesting reading, I think. For me, since I am finally, at 38 years of age, getting a clue. Part of me wishes I had done this so many years ago. How my life would have been different, more confident and that feeling of deserving better.

It's sad when I think that my weight had so much bearing on that inside part of me. But it did and still does although the light is at the end of the tunnel. So many years I feel have been wasted, when if I had done this before, I may have accomplished more. Simply because I felt better about myself.

It's been odd coming to terms with the smaller version of me as well. Not that I am done, mind you. I still have 35lbs to go (Technically 33 but I may shoot for 40). But, I still see myself as the larger person. When I go look at clothes, I go to the larger section of the store, when I know I can shop in regular sizes. Although, those regular sizes still sometimes fit "funny". Or at least, I think so. I am not used to clothes being snug where they are supposed to be ya know? Instead of binding around the larger parts because they stick out further and me trying to find something that much bigger to hide it. I recently bought a pair of jeans (in the regular sized womens department, I was super excited :P) and people keep telling me that I look good in them. But because they fit...right I guess, I feel self concious. I can feel the fabric against my butt, my legs etc.. and it feels like everyone can see the "stuff". When I look in the mirror, I still see the stuff from so many lbs ago so they must see it too, right? I think I have gotten even more critical of my body, whereas before, I just delt with it cause that's the way it was.

My point? Not sure, I am just rambling. Maybe that my insides still need a lot of work. On self image, confidence and acceptance.

Part of me feels that my weight was a part of my wall. It kept people out, I could use it as an excuse as to why I couldn't hold a relationship, I couldn't be a part of life other than work and my child and family. Now people are starting to see "me" and not the fat. I am starting to see "me" and while it feels good, it's a little scary too.